238: what's been going on with me this summer

I thought I would share some of the thoughts of my heart and brain this last month! Nothing super organized, just what's been ping-ponging inside lately.

Abide. Fruit. Not of myself. Those have been the big ideas.

I'm kinda going through two studies this summer. #Fruited by Bethany and Bonnie of Teachers in the Word is all about the fruits of the Spirit. Teach Uplifted: Devotions for Teachers is more of an in-depth devotional based off of Hannah Whitall Smith's A Christian's Secret of a Happy Life. Amazingly enough (or not, cuz it's God), without my knowing so when I ordered them, both studies address the same topic: We can't bear fruit on our own. Which is soooooo what God was already leading me to after last school year.

Looking back on last school year, I think I was running on spiritual empty all year long. I struggled to fake the fruit of the Spirit and to force the flesh down.

I'm not saying I know this year will be any different. Except, oh Lord, please--

Here's the prayer from Teach Uplifted that I'm holding onto:

I felt drawn to Colossians this last week or so. I opened it up. Everything is about reckoning myself dead to sin and letting Christ live in me. Letting Him do it. The fruit of the Spirit is the fruit of Him. Being transformed is a passive (?) thing that I allow Him to do.

I hate the warped idea of kicking back and not making room in one's life for holiness. It's a pet peeve. As if grace is an excuse to say, "Whatever you did this week, it's okay, let it go." No, it's not okay.

"It would be very strange that what was previously the object of destroying vengeance should now become the object of toleration. Now that the penalty is removed, do you think it is possible that the unchangeable God has given up His aversion to sin so that ruined and redeemed man may now indulge, under the new arrangement, in that which under the old destroyed him?" (Dr. Chalmers, quoted in A Christian's Secret of a Happy Life, quoted in Teach Uplifted)

I love that quote. But simultaneously, what I think God is revealing to me this summer is that I cannot work to bear fruit in my own striving. I can submit myself to God. I can bring every worry back to Him in prayer. I can beseech Him. I can trust Him. I can trust Him to perform His work through me, but by the power of His Spirit.

(Or, as Hannah Whitall Smith would say, do we really think that He who delivered us from the consequence of sin will not also deliver us from the power of sin now?)

I sure hope it makes a difference this school year. I am holding on to faith that what I have entrusted to Him He will be faithful to complete.

Sounds kinda ridiculous to think otherwise because of course He is faithful and powerful enough to conquer my flesh and bear the miraculous fruit of the Spirit through me.

If I remind myself I am dead and walk in the Spirit.

I'm just starting to start to learn about everything I just wrote above. But those are the thoughts pinging in my head. :)

237: to have courage to share this part of life too

"For I am full of words;

The spirit within me compels me.

Indeed my belly is like wine that has no vent;

It is ready to burst like new wineskins.

I will speak, that I may find relief" (Job 32:17-20a)

I went to a new women's Bible study/devotional fellowship this evening with my semi-new-to-me church. We're going to be studying women in the Bible and how they responded yes or no to God. Tonight was on Sarah. For professional development, I've been learning about comprehension strategies, such as "determining importance." Out of all the material a student reads, how is he to determine what is important? With the skill of "synthesizing," importance is sometimes determined by what interests the person. So, all that to say, as we were led through this study tonight, I tried to focus not just on taking notes for the sake of taking notes, but listening for what might apply to me, what God might speak to me as relevant.

There were a couple things that stood out, but as the leader read from Genesis 8, a very familiar story about Sarah laughing when God told Abraham that she would bear a child in her old age, I looked down at the passage and part of the verse whirled off the page with the big question mark, "APPLICABLE?" I don't like to claim promises from Scripture that are not promises, but I did feel like this was for a group I'm part of consisting of older Christian single women. I anticipated sharing this with them.

The study portion concluded. We all traipsed out to the pool and stuck our feet in. The leader asked us for our input about what we read.

I knew. I knew from before we left the living room that I should have the boldness to share what God had showed me about singleness.

But this is a group of mostly older ladies, all women who have had husbands, children, homes of their own. The evening progressed with lots of stories about husbands, children, home repair. Children, husbands. Anyone else have anything to share? Husbands, children, life that (I slowly realized) I literally could not relate to.

And I kept my mouth shut.

"Indeed my belly is like wine that has no vent" (Job 32:19).

Why? Well, first off, I'm just getting to know these people. But I want to be open. I want the fellowship. The other reason I didn't speak is that what I wanted to share had to do with singleness.

I didn't want my sharing to sound like a request for pity.

I would have had to share the context of the difficulty of singleness. And the difficulty wasn't the point. The point was that God had shown up during our Bible study.

I couldn't muster the bravery.

And so I sat and listened and felt the emotional strength drain from me as I listened to stories truly interesting, but unrelatable, until I finally left.

God, give me the strength to be open next time! I won't get the fellowship I crave if I won't speak what is on my heart. And no one is going to read my mind for me.

I am thankful that I think I have found a group to have true Christian fellowship with.

Now it's on me.

"Be strong and of good courage" (Joshua 1).

~*~

Ok, so let me share what I think God may have drawn out for older singles.

I've been looking at this idea of how old we are getting and our desire for marriage still, and I've been wondering how much I need to just acknowledge it probably won't happen. We have absolutely no idea what life not as single is, and, personally, theology + personality + availability = need a miracle to make it happen. But--

"After I have grown old, shall I have pleasure...?" (Gen. 18:12)

Sarah was skeptical too. After she was now old, was it likely that she would enjoy a child--her own child--in her arms? She laughed at the idea. That boat had passed her by long ago.

What was God's response? Why are you laughing? Why are you doubting it could be?

"Is anything too hard for the LORD?" (Gen. 18:14)

And that is...that. Would you, could you, still experience marriage and family and spend the rest of your days in a completely different season of life?

Is anything too hard for God?