85: why I have to go back to Elohim

Because I can be frustrated with turns of events now, whatever they may be, and blame it on this, that, or the other, and call it unfair.

And I can finally, slowly, reconcile myself to these events.

And I can declare that God had a plan.

But, if I still hold onto this ideal of how things should be

If I say THIS is the way things ought to be and reach for this twinkling star

And keep my focus on that twinkling star as the end all of happiness

SMASH!

Because happy wives can become widows

Arms ready for children can remain bare

Et cetera

Et cetera

Et cetera

And so,

this is why I have to remember to go back to Elohim.

It is all about Jesus.

It is all about His glory.

It is about Elohim sitting on the throne of glory high and lifted up, and the train of His robe filling the temple,

And all around Him cry "Holy! Holy! Holy!"

That is Truth. Reality. Beauty.

That remains constant.

That is the twinkling pinpoint that must always center my vision.

I need the reminder now and tomorrow and next month and six months from now and next year.

84: an excerpt from the "book"

I've probably mentioned it several times before, but I'm writing a "book." I put that in quotes, because I'm not sure when it'll be done, I don't work on it consistently, and it's more like me putting all of my thoughts in a fictional setting than "oooh, oooh, I've got this great idea for a story!"

So, here is another excerpt from the "book" where the lines between fiction and life blur. It's sort of a continuation from the last post.

And me? I was resistant. Because if I confessed Him to be enough now, then what of the last few years when my heart adamantly declared He was not enough?  To confess Him now meant confronting my guilt. Guilt that I had not been submitting myself to Him these last few years. I had not been trusting Him. Instead, I had been demanding from Him a reason for my singleness and the singleness of the many girls around me who had grown up only wanting one life path: to be married and have children. I had been telling Him it was not fair and refusing to accept any reply.

But to turn around, say, “ok, I’m better now,” and recommit my trust in Him? It felt like hypocrisy.

Did God have grace for those in pain, throwing temper tantrums, stomping around arguing without listening?

How embarrassing.

I had come to a crossroads.

He was healing the hurt.

He wasn’t even condemning me.

But He was requiring of me a choice. Whether to continue to wallow in grief over lost dreams and what to me was a broken life and family, or to recommit my trust in Him—not because what He did made sense to me but because long ago I had decided He was worthy of my trust.

The worship leader’s voice and the words on the screen struck my senses with personal meaning. “Who can grasp Your infinite wisdom? Who can fathom the depth of Your love?”

I couldn’t grasp it. “Lord God, You are infinite. And at this moment in time, I choose to lay aside my anger, my disbelief in Your goodness, and my grasping for You to change Your ways, and I submit myself to You again.” Embarrassment and guilt combined to bring shame. “Forgive me for how I’ve acted towards You through this.”

83: where were you when He created the heavens?

A couple of today's thoughts...

"Who can grasp Your infinite wisdom? I've been trying to grasp it, while holding onto disagreement at the same time. I need to let go of trying to grasp it and acknowledge that He is too wonderful for comprehension."

She stood on the stage, guitar in hand, yellow and white chevron dress swishing the tops of her bare feet. “The Lord has promised good to me.” Her voice took on the sound of personal meaning as she looked out at the audience, half smiling. “His Word my hope secures.” I knew her story. She had surrendered her love life to the Lord 15 years prior and had had no boyfriend since. Now she was in her 30's. “He will my shield and portion be as long as life endures.” I knew she meant it.

82: should my spouse's theology matter?

An acquaintance challenged me to let go of the idea that whoever I might be pursued by must have the same theological framework as me. For example, that people on opposite sides of the Calvinist/Dispensationalist fence can get along in a marriage.

So, I ask the question, how important are my beliefs to me?

Why do I feel like I must agree with my husband on these points?

Does theology matter? Does it matter in my practical, doing-life-with-my-husband, life?

I believe in a rapture. So how would that belief affect how my husband and I lead our lives? It probably wouldn't. (Though, I suppose if I believed that the church was going to bring God's kingdom to earth, I would be more intent on changing the world's institutions.)

Maybe it would take looking at each theological belief step by step to really figure out how each affects my practical life and why it needs to be shared by a potential spouse.

But what does it matter what a fellow believes about end times theology, about predestination, about a host of other issues as long as he loves God and follows Him with all his heart?

And, as modern day Christians, with all our denominations and church divisions, are we focusing too much on the minor points?

Why does theology matter? Because it is what I believe about the living Word of God. I am passionate about what I believe the Bible says. And why would I invite conflict by marrying a man with whom I disagree over heart-deep beliefs? How could I choose an intimate relationship with someone who disagrees with what I'm passionate about?

Should it matter?

Does it matter?

It does to me.

Why?

Because if what I believe about God's Word doesn't matter, what does?