282: online dating?

Every once in awhile, someone will ask me if I've done online dating. If you have ever read back into the early posts of this blog, you will know, yes, yes, I have. I don't do it now, though. Because how on earth can I decide whether to initiate a hi or respond to a smile to any of these guys based on a photo (that I may not even like) and sparse info?

But, you know, every once in awhile, I log back into my ChristianMingle account and browse for 20 minutes until I can't take it anymore and get off.

Tonight, however, when I logged in for my regular check-up, I found not only had the format of the site changed, but suddenly I had a whole list of matches, and several of them said they were "NEW." Whether they are new matches for me or new to the site, I don't know.

Dragon's Teeth rock formation in Maui

But I do know this:

There is nothing new about these matches. :-P

Oh, hello. I think I messaged you before. Or hearted you? You never replied.

Same with you. I know I favorited you.

Oh, and you. Yes, I actually went on a date with you (which I totally forgot until now). Well, it wasn't really a date, because I made it soooooo lowkey. But, you didn't want any more kids, and that was a dealbreaker for me. So, we faded out. Except, after talking with you, I began reconsidering if a guy not wanting any kids was truly a dealbreaker. It still is something I wonder about.

And you! Ah yes. We emailed quite extensively until you ghosted me. I was never ghosted before or after, but now that I know what ghosted means, your abrupt cessation of all communication definitely qualifies. It was a good, short-lived acquaintanceship though. I think well of Huntsville, Alabama, because of you.

Oh, howdy-doody, I met you in person at an event in Oregon a few years ago. You're cute, but as we didn't hit it off then, I have my doubts now. Or maybe I'm just too proud to offer myself up when you were interested in other girls on that trip.

And you, well, ha! Yes, I had a crush on you for a long time. But we've been around that mountain before, haven't we?

And there's the guy that's been on there for years. I can't remember why I've never made an effort for him (and I don't remember him ever messaging me), but if I opened his profile, I'd probably see why. (I looked. He goes to church "occasionally." Sigh. He is cute and local.)

All that to say, online dating is a tool that totally works for some people. The most I've ever gotten out of it is an innumerable host of friends I met because one guy asked me if I had heard of Homeschool Alumni and told me about a retreat they did up in Oregon. So, I may still be single, but I think I got my money's worth out of the deal in friendships, multiple travels, and a singles community. :)

In the words of my friend in response to today's matches, "Well, that's just so reassuring that, you know, our chances of meeting guys on ChristianMingle are still what they always were. Nothing. Nothing at all."

Lol, that's not a slam on ChristianMingle or other sites. Just how we feel when people ask if we've tried online dating.

P.S. There is one really cute "Bible teacher" guy on there that I've never seen before. But I can't message him until I pay $50 for a month's membership. #facepalm

173: date-turned-Mormon processing

I want to write more. Originally this blog was supposed to be a place for me to write my thoughts without trying to tailor it for an audience. Maybe I can get back to that more.

So many thoughts.

To tell you the truth, when I see the date-turned-Mormon profile pic, I still feel a pang. The day before he was supposed to turn Mormon I talked with him again on the phone and told him about two articles I read by Mormons about Mormons. I told him what I had learned and why I disagreed. At his request, I sent him the articles and also added the Scripture verses I had brainstormed refuting the main points I had culled from the articles. He said he'd read them. But he still became Mormon. I haven't heard from him again. He joined LDS singles groups on FB.

When we had lunch, he had talked about Mormonism, but I didn't think he was considering joining them. I thought I was talking to a believer--I didn't realize I was engaging in apologetics. When I told him on the phone that I didn't want to touch Mormonism with a ten-foot pole, I didn't mean that I was ostracizing him because I couldn't philosophically deal with someone becoming Mormon. I meant that I couldn't go there relationally, that emotionally I couldn't even continue a friendship with him because it would be too much a temptation to crush on an unbeliever. I am too weak; I HAD to set my boundary. But did he recognize that? Is there anyone in his life that can still dialogue with him about what Scripture says? Not to tell him he's wrong or that Mormonism is stupid, but to truly dialogue with him like he so enjoyed.

The church. Where was the church as the LDS missionaries drew him in, counseled him? One of the main things we talked about in our lunch was how Mormons disciple new converts and keep them accountable and follow through. And the church is so lacking in that area. I know personally that if I want accountability or fellowship, I have to seek it. And I have the spiritual maturity now to be able to seek it. But what about someone who has only be saved a few years? Why are we--why am I--not encouraging one another to follow the Lord? Oh sure, we "fellowship," as in, we hang out, we talk, we "do life" together. But how often, how RARELY, do I discuss with someone how they are doing spiritually, how they are doing at obeying Scripture's commands to love one another, and then follow through the next time I see them, instead of dropping it like the only point of bringing it up was to have a deep conversation, not cultivate TRUE Christian fellowship? And how defensive and shallow do I feel when someone asks me what I am reading in the Word these days or some other spiritually probing question? Are we a community of believers, or are we really just a social club? And what part am I playing in making it one or the other? Because he was looking for something, and the Mormons had it.

What was the draw to Mormonism? That question has plagued me. Because there are similarities. They claim to follow Jesus. But they do not believe that God is God and man is man--that line is blurred--and they do not accept the sufficiency and inerrancy of Scripture. Those are biggies! And yet, they're "moral." When I asked a friend about why he might have been drawn to Mormonism, she suggested that people are drawn to the idea of "secret knowledge" and a more works-oriented salvation.

The one thing that I am challenged with through this is to better live out what I believe. To more fully live out Scripture. If I am going to be a light, then I need to continue to let Jesus take over more of my life and not worry about what is popular (or even what is old-fashioned). My date was not looking for what was popular. He was looking for depth. My prayer is that he becomes disillusioned with the "secret knowledge" in Mormonism and comes back to basic Scripture as truth. Oh, Lord, open his eyes!

I mourn the loss of a possible friendship and the loss of a brother.

172: online dating bloopers

Christian Mingle had a sale I couldn't turn down. So amid much prayer and emotions (and despite everything I've said about not being cut out for that world) on Easter I jumped back into the pond. As I told one fellow, "It really is nice to get to know other people, even if only for a couple exchanged messages."


One big positive to online dating (if you don't happen to meet your future spouse) is getting to interact with lots of people you wouldn't otherwise meet and be influenced and spurred on by what they write on their profiles or in exchanged messages. I've had some good e-mail conversations with guys I am truly honored to have virtually met.


But sometimes . . . sometimes you just have to laugh and groan.


I didn't know whether to interpret this comment as a bash on my photos or a compliment to my real self--or maybe he was just trying to say not to judge him by his own photos: "I just got my photos approved so you have an idea what I look like. But like myself, I'm sure you look better in person :)"


A homeschool grad in his late 30s made me realize how weird homeschoolers are if you actually write out everything you think, believe, and want, on screen, for other people to read.


One guy's profile name, with extra symbols removed, is "Love Me." Desperate much? I'm not replying to his smile.


With another guy, after a single chat session about the weather and listing where we've traveled, I was offered his e-mail, FB, Skype, and text contact info. Kudos for being pro-active! (no groaning here, just amused surprise)


Another fellow chatted with me and begged me to ask questions about himself so he could prove he was a good guy. I had never doubted he was a good guy, but he was quite put out when I wouldn't agree to call him the next day after our one chat and two previously exchanged short e-mails.


How soon is soon? "hope i can know about you more. beacause im looking for a person with a good heart and soon to be my partner for the rest of my life." Too soon!


First message: "and dont worry im not a bad guy or a stranger :)" I think we define "stranger" differently.


My profile pic shows me hugging my dog with the caption "tormenting my dog?" A guy replied, "If that is tormenting your dog, torment me too!" A little much? Just a little.


I often get the conversation starter "Hey, beautiful." And I ask myself, would he really walk up to a girl and start a conversation that way?


One guy took out his frustration over me cutting off our brief conversation due to a theological difference by asking me when I was last in a relationship. I soooo wanted to write him back and justify my prospectability, but I refrained.


My coworker likes dubbing the guys I write: "Sketch," "Walt" (he liked Disney), "Red Head," "41 year old."

I had put on my profile that I wasn't going to do much on CM until summer (that ended up being a falsehood), so one guy--who actually seemed like a pretty good guy--wrote this introductory message (ellipses his): "I'll wait until you are ready... I love your profile and find you gorgeous sincerely... Your fan right here..." (I'll admit, I might have felt some flutters despite the hyperbole feel.) When I replied and slightly chided him for assuming so much from a few words on a page, he didn't write back and my coworker chided me upside the head for rebuffing a good guy. *sigh* Apparently I've got issues too.

Acadia National Park, Maine

169: a date, a connection, a hope, and yet

I went on a date this last Friday. With a guy I met online. Actually, with a guy I had met online 3 years ago and had messaged/emailed with a lot, and then who contacted me again after I viewed his profile recently.

Three hours of in-person conversation later. . . I haven't met many people like him. His philosophical, thinker-kind of conversation and attentiveness to my interaction with him touched a part of me that partly stirred up old demons of when I used to get too much into my own head (too much thinking), and partly stirred up a profoundly personal part of me that rarely sees the light of day these days. I was amazed at how I reacted emotionally after coming home and processing.

I think I liked this guy.

We had a connection (What is that? I don't know, but the glimpse I got made me want more!).

And I barely knew him.

The problem was, I didn't know where he stood spiritually. I knew he claimed to be a Christian, went to a mainline Christian church, and had an obviously Christian worldview. But, because of his personality, and because I was trying to pry without asking point-blank questions, it was impossible to pin him down on his personal walk with the Lord. Like, reliance on Jesus' death and resurrection for his salvation, depth of Bible reading, prayer, and personal commitment to follow Jesus, not just the forms of the Christian faith. So I prayed, and wrestled, and prayed, and wrestled, and texted with him, and got replies, and received texts from him (like, he initiated it!), and was elated, and wrestled with the Lord some more. My journal has been getting good use.

Thankfully, this has only gone on since last Friday. Today is Tuesday.

He called tonight. Thirty minutes of conversation confirmed that we do fit together nicely (at least as much as you can tell from one in-person meeting and one short telephone call). I joked, he laughed his I'm-surprised-you-said-that-but-I-like-it laugh. He made jokes, I laughed because it was nice just to communicate so comfortably and have the hope for this progressing.

And then, somewhere amid the thirty minutes, he dropped the bomb.

He is becoming Mormon.

Say what?

I thank the Lord for answering my prayer SO CLEARLY. And so quickly! I don't have to wonder about his spiritual walk anymore! He is obviously not "the one."

And yet. Not "but," just an "and yet."

I think we actually mutually liked each other. We at least both thought each other interesting. We want the same thing for our future families. We both listen to audiobooks when we drive. I am dealing with the pain of this "prospect"--such a good prospect--draining out of my life. I am sad.

And YET!

Unique as he was, "good" as he was, he was apparently never meant to be a prospect. Why did God put him in my life for such a short time? I do not know, do not need to know. But the hope that my connection with him stirred in me, and the hurt of now-relinquished hope, made me cry out tonight in my journal, "I will keep asking and seeking and knocking until You answer."

Because my God does not give serpents when His children ask for fish, or stones when we ask for bread. Despite how I feel, I'm not missing out, and I didn't lose a good opportunity. And my God says that, like the man who got up in the middle of the night to give his friend food for his traveling guests--how much more will our Father in heaven answer the persistent prayers of His daughters! (Lk. 11:5-8, Mt. 7:7-12, Lk. 18:1)

So that's been my week. On Sunday I wrote in my journal, "I know my God. If He calls me to surrender, it's nothing I haven't done before. He is good". So He is. And so He will continue to be.

How does Admiral Croft's line from Persuasion (1995) go? "And now it's time to begin all over again, with someone else." Something like that. :)

Clarification: God does not promise us spouses. Sometimes He does encourage us to pray for specific things, like a husband, while other times it is enough that we are resting in the joy of His presence without making requests.

girls trip to the beach this weekend

136: a variety of thoughts

something I'm working on

I am really quite exhausted. And I of all people shouldn't write when I am exhausted because I'm liable to say anything.

Might I be allowed on my own blog just to share random thoughts?

Love your neighbor as yourself as applied to teaching. I've tried so hard to be a teacher and an authority and to teach these kids how to act. But I don't like the mirrored reflection now of how I've treated them. So maybe I can strive for a little less hardnose and a little more politeness.

Bearing the fruit of the Spirit, like patience, kindness, goodness. Yes, I am "spending time" with the Lord but I'm not spending TIME with Him, so if I do want those fruits to flow out of me, I need to fill myself up with time with Him more.

I went on MarryWell (another online relationship site of sorts) last night. Looking at the profiles, seeing guys trying to present themselves accurately and desirably just as I tried hard to do, it made me feel yucky. I thought maybe I could go back, especially since I would really like a male friend right now, but I can't. For me, it's so unnatural that I now associate it to something bad, as if I had a negative experience in the past that I'm relating it to. I didn't have a negative experience that should taint how I emotionally react to online dating sites. But I guess that door is now closed to me. I don't know why. I don't mind, because I really would like to meet someone naturally and fall in love naturally (not that that doesn't happen through a tool like dating sites), but it does rather limit one's selection, and depending on how limited one's selection is....

I've been bravely, hesitantly embracing prolonged singleness. *chuckle* Not like it isn't already upon me. *wry smile* But accepting it is very very new to me. There's something else that's really odd. The paradoxical possibility of embracing prolonged singleness and still praying every day in my journal, per my New Year's resolution, asking God for a husband. How can someone move forward and still hold on to a dream of the past? I don't know. How do people act like one thing is reality while still deep in their childlike soul believe/hope/fairytale-dream that something else will occur? (I read a great article that touched on this for me--see the link on the lower right called "Meaning in the Meanwhile".)

make a blurry picture better by over-fixing it?

Speaking of childhood dreams, I used to want, like, 12 kids. I was raised almost as an only child (my sister is 16 years older than me). But I hung out with big families--5 or 7 kids--and that's what I wanted. Now with teaching school? I have a great and enjoyable group of kids. But I enjoy coming home. I can't imagine having the responsibility to parent and homeschool several children much less 12. It's enough to make one want to cry. This week I've been overwhelmed just by the responsibility of teaching academics to 5 children for a couple years. And I think being a full-time parent and homeschool mom would be less stressful? I still want to get married, have children, and homeschool. But, yowzers. (I would need a good man to thrive and not just survive.)

I would share about the book I'm reading--a history book about women during World War 2--or I would share how I'm reading another book for a book review about a pastor and his struggle with reconciling God and suffering--but the only reason why I would would be to show you my life consists of something other than teaching and thinking of singleness, which is a lame reason to keep writing when emotionally one feels done.

So goodnight!

135: relationships

On an impulse the other week I deleted my profiles on Christian Mingle and eHarmony. I haven't regretted it. But lately I've found myself wanting to type in the link...and I have...only to find I have no username to type in anymore, no profile to log into.

It amazes me how my world has expanded because of guys I've met online, even if we never went on a date.

Through one guy I was introduced to a dear friend and a huge group of people who I now know better than I do him. Another guy went on to join long-time friends of my family's in ministry--people he didn't even know when we were corresponding. He is now in love with a girl he met through that ministry. Another fellow who I actually did go on a date with is pursuing a girl from out of state and they seem smitten. Seeing photos of them on Facebook makes me happy because he deserved a good match.

I think back to Stephan, a guy I became friends with though we never met. We knew we were just friends from the beginning, not more, despite meeting on Christian Mingle. We enjoyed talking til our subscriptions expired. No romance spoils my memories of our several month cyber friendship. It was good to just have a friend.

Another fellow let me correspond for 3 months before saying we didn't have enough in common (even though we hadn't even met), but because of him I started watching Doctor Who. Is that a good or a bad thing? XD

When I think of Tony--a fellow several years older than me from the to-me romantic state of Wyoming, I feel warm inside. I know, I know, that sounds weird. Even though I had to tell him no way (he was pretty extreme in his beliefs and shunned accountability), he didn't get nasty like some people might when someone strongly disagrees with them. Instead he told me what a wonderful, intelligent woman I was even though it wasn't going to work. How can I not have fond recollections of that brief acquaintance?

It is never a bad thing to love more, whether it be a dog or a friend or something longer lasting. It is never a bad thing to let people into your life, however briefly. It is never a bad thing to get to know your neighbors, near or far.

Online dating did that for me. I'm probably not going back, but I leave it a fuller person.

one of those hilarious things you see on FB

128: a short change of scene

Laurence Olivier as Mr. Darcy, 1940

"That chapter is definitely closed."
--Mr. Darcy in the b/w version of Pride and Prejudice







Guess what I just did?

I closed both my ChristianMingle and eHarmony accounts!

Granted, I haven't been paying for those services for awhile.

However, closing my accounts means I cannot go on ChristianMingle when I feel out of sorts and look at the plethora of profiles viewing my profile.

It also means I won't be waking up to e-mails that say...

So why did I close out my accounts?

I don't know. I guess I am finally ready to let go of my personal security blanket (which wasn't doing anything for me anyway) called my online dating profiles.

Onward!

Hm, I think I need to change my blog description now. :-P

(I still stand fast by the opinion that online dating sites are great tools!)

89: you won't believe it

Since I last wrote, I did something daring and adventurous and out of the ordinary. And no, I didn't go on a hike. I actually went on a date with a guy I met online.

*gasp*

It was all safe and unscary--we had mutual friends, met in a public place, I checked him out on Facebook first, etc.

I only had a couple days to mentally prepare. To psych myself up. Or rather, keep myself calm. To give myself good advice before I acted on instinct instead of wisdom.

And this is what I told myself, or rather, what I typed in my phone as a note to remember:

"Do not critique [his work]--get to know his heart. Don't try to make him work within parameters or worry when he doesn't--get to know him and how he specifically works."

I'm so glad God put these thoughts in my head before I went. Because he wasn't at all what I was expecting...but then, I went in to it not expecting anything. And it was enjoyable! Calmly enjoyable. Two hours of conversation over burgers and chicken strips.

I don't usually do things right when it comes to the male species. Only days before I had walked into a situation where I specifically wanted to make a good impression, and instead, I opened my mouth and inserted my foot. What is up with that? At times like that I'm like, I just want to stay single, forever, because I make such a fool of myself when I try.

So I'm thankful that this time I listened to God's wisdom and just listened and enjoyed the person. I might have got other things wrong (sometimes my face contorts randomly as a memory of something I said or did comes to mind), but I left my witty criticisms and analytical categorizing and cataloguing at home.

So. Online dating. In general, I don't think it's for me. But in July I'm going to another wedding of people who met online!

81: evaluating the different sites

Christian Café offered me 2 free days this morning to entice me to come back. So I checked my inbox. I was greeted with a message from a 20 yr old saying "You say you have no appeal for 40 year olds. What about guys in their early 20s?" and a message from a 28 yr old saying "You'd make a good wife, dear." What a way to start a morning! *cracks up*

Someone asked me if there was a specific online dating site I'd recommend. So here's my evaluation.

eHarmony: eHarmony requires you to take an extensive personality quiz at the beginning and then matches you based on your answers. (It was co-founded by Neil Clark Warren, who has written books on how to find the right match, so you can tell that is his heart.) eHarmony sends you about 7 matches a day (until the database starts running out of good matches), and you can only view the matches they've sent you. When you are ready to begin communication, you go through a somewhat lengthy process before jumping to actual e-mails (although you have the ability to skip this process). Using lists provided by the service, you exchange several multiple choice questions and 0 must have's and 10 can't stands. Then you ask three questions to which the other can reply in paragraph format before jumping into actual e-mailing via eHarmony. As a non-subscriber, you can receive and view profiles, but you cannot see pictures, send messages, or know who viewed you.

Christian Mingle: This is the shopper's paradise! You set your own parameters and can change them whenever you want. You can view your matches or you can search for anyone and everyone. You can even search profiles by keywords (I've searched all the profiles with "homeschool" in them. :-P) Without paying a subscription, you can do almost everything--view pictures, profiles, who viewed you--except read your messages and participate in instant messenger.

Christian Cafe: Christian Cafe is similar to Christian Mingle in that you can search for your own match (but not by keyword). One of the distinctives of Christian Cafe--which is interesting since it is endorsed by Boundless--is that you are required to display on your profile what kind of relationship you're seeking (marriage, open to all possibilities, friendship?) and whether or not you have/want children. Without a paying subscription, you cannot access Christian Cafe, though they give you a several day free trial period when you create a profile.

Which would I recommend? eHarmony is a good starter since it's not as overwhelming as the other sites. Christian Mingle has a great selection of profiles if you are ready to sort through hundreds of them. Remember that each site has different members (though I did see a cross-over once between Cafe and eHarmony :-P), so it doesn't hurt to try more than one service. I would recommend shorter subscription periods (1 month, 3 months) until you know if you really want to try to find someone via the internet.

80: as life turns

I look around my room. It's a wreck. I'm sure all girls my age are supposed to be perfect housekeepers to prove what wonderful homemakers we would be if only "he" would notice, but I have found that all of my friends are horrid at neatness. Oh wait, they're all single too.

Anyway, part of the reason for the tornado-esque atmosphere in here is because next weekend I'm moving. Moving out of my single-girls house of 5 months and back home with my parents.

I've gotten rather fond of living on my own (with two other girls). It was so easy to move from home to on my own, and I got used to it rather fast. Now moving back home seems like the hard thing to do. But we ran out of housemates to split the rent after one of us headed to Ireland,  and so we're all going our own ways. I was home last night looking at my room, deciding whether to repaint, pulling down curtains that I never was particularly fond of anyway, weeding out more books, and figuring out if I could fit my new second-hand desk and overstuffed chair in there. My parents are offering to bend over backward to make the transition a good one.

All my online dating subscriptions have ended as well, though I keep getting e-mails about sales. The 70% off sales only apply if you want to buy a whole year's subscription, and I'm not ready to fling myself into it with all my heart.

The process of the last couple years of trying to figure out who I am so that I could personally know myself truly and then portray myself accurately online has brought me to an interesting conclusion. Namely, I am full of sin. If I only want to be the "real me" I will fall further into sin and my tastes will conform to that. And so, it is all right to put on Christ and want to be a better person than I naturally am.

In other news (or is it the same?), I  started working on my NaNoWriMo 2012 book again. It's a fiction book about an idealist homeschool girl who discovers that faith and love don't come that easy when life doesn't go according to plan. (Am I the only one learning how to deal with life not going according to plan? And I don't just mean romance.)

The epilogue/last chapter has a couple sentences that I want to remember now, before I finish writing the rest:

Except for characters in books and movies, most girls wander through life completely unaware of who they are going to end up with or how it’s going to work out or even if they are going to get to be married at all. The only one who sees the obvious thread intertwining throughout the two lives is He who already sees the end from the beginning.

Like an author, God sees the obvious thread going from beginning to end. It takes a huge amount of faith to walk blindly through life trusting Him to bring about whatever He has planned and trusting that what He does is good. But it looks better on the other side if we do walk it out.

Chau,

LadyM and her own set of distractions

71: more on our favorite topic

Before my friend was engaged (yes, it does still happen...to people like us even), she ruminated that filtering through prospects had less to do with finding the right guy and  more to do with choosing what life you wanted to have. One wasn't worse than another. She could equally enjoy a hippie wedding or a traditional one. But when you say "I do," you narrow your options to one life. That is okay. It just means you don't have to wrack your brain anymore figuring out what you want--you want to be happy with your husband.

Today I visited the Bass Pro store for the first time. It is like toyland for men! Mounted mountain goats and deer and wolves and who-knows-what are everywhere, climbing the walls, decorating the stairs. Live fish swim in a real pond in the middle of the store with manikins in waders fly-fishing among them. Two stories of camouflage for men, women, and children surround you (including camo onesies and camo lingerie--I kid you not).

And I thought, this is so cool.

I could marry a guy that liked this kind of stuff.


Prospects.

The guy who works in finance, lives in the state capital, and enjoys concerts and theatre.

The guy who wants to spend his honeymoon backpacking Europe.

The guy who wants to be an Assemblies of God missionary.

(Did I mention I joined Christian Mingle for one more month?)

Different guys, different lives.

Door One, Two, and Three. Which life will be the one for me?


Camo lingerie with an arsenal of weapons under the bed or high heels and red lipstick for the latest Broadway show?

Tho I'll admit, there's a fine line between cool camo and redneck camo.

And I'm really not a red pumps and lipstick kind of girl either.

But as I'm learning, it's not about the list. It is about loving an in-the-flesh guy and wanting to spend the rest of your life with him. Right? Right.

*sits at computer and stares at screen*

68: full disclosure of my online dating experiences this year

November 28, 2012 -- the day I signed up for a year subscription to eHarmony, my first paid online dating site subscription.

What a ride!

In commemoration of the expiration of my subscription, I would like to share a summary of my experiences. Ok?

First there was J--. He's the reason I joined eHarmony. I had heard from him in the summer and was intrigued by his profile even though I couldn't see his picture. After thinking about him for months, and praying about if it was okay with God for me to even pursue relationships at this time, I subscribed and immediately replied to his 5 questions. He had been homeschooled, came from a large family, loved backpacking (uh oh) and traveling (yay), and went to a church that was emergent (red flag). He wrote wonderfully lengthy e-mails but didn't want to talk in depth about doctrine (or even spiritual things, it seemed) via e-mail, but then he never really pursued meeting in person either (frustrating!). After three months he said we seemed too different, and all I felt I had lost was a great e-mailing companion.

(Thanks to him, though, I tried out Doctor Who and am now a definite Whovian. Just in time for the 50th too!)

Then there was T--. He lived in Wyoming. He was 9 years older than me, mostly bald, and 5'9". But I thought he was the cute kind of bald, and hey, he's from Wyoming, how cool is that? Like J--, he had contacted me months earlier, before I subscribed. One of the voluntary profile questions he had answered was "Was Michael Jackson a genius or crazy?" (actually I can't remember what the question was exactly). He answered a genius, and that he used that genius to lead millions astray. I laughed, considered, wondered if he was too over the top (based off of other things he had said), and decided to give him a chance. Unlike J--, our conversations went deep, fast. I ended up telling him it couldn't go anywhere romantically because he would not submit himself to the accountability of fellow believers (and with some of the things he believed, he kinda needed it). But it wasn't all for naught. His last e-mail to me started with,  "I fervently enjoyed your rebuttal to me. You are a wise and wonderful woman," and ended with, "It is not often that a woman will write like you so I pray the Lord will bless you and keep you and make His face shine upon you. Go in peace." :D

Then I got a hit from a guy I had seen on Christian Café maybe a year earlier. He lived in southern California, and I had been really, really interested in him. I had even printed out his profile and KEPT it. He sent me 5 questions, I replied, he replied, I replied...and he's still sitting in my inbox. Maybe I scared him off?

By this time it was summer, and I had been keeping an eye on my unpaid ChristianMingle account. A fellow from only an hour away had sent me a message. He wanted to homeschool his kids, was 30, short, established in a job, and, to put it simply, hot. And he had sent ME a message. After thinking that over for a couple weeks, I dug deep and paid a three month subscription so I could read his e-mail. I wrote back...and didn't hear from him for the next six weeks.

So, meanwhile, I contacted CPS. His profile was funny, and I wanted him to know so. I wasn't interested in him--he was rather unattractive and I wasn't sure if I was okay with that. He wrote back. I asked him another question about his profile, reportedly out of curiosity for how a fellow believer thinks. We continued to write back and forth, back and forth, and, funnily enough, he went to the same church the original J-- went to! Small world! We ended up becoming good friends (as much as you can virtually). At long last (a month and a half?) he asked if I wanted to meet. And I had to tell him--after a month and a half of rollercoasting it--that I wasn't interested. He took it very well--he was so kind and patient and good-humored--and told me he hadn't thought my original message to him had been an expression of interest anyway, only friendship, so, in other words, I thankfully hadn't led him on. Since both of our subscriptions were about to expire, he said we could keep on messaging since we just enjoyed each other's company. Right before our subscriptions ended, I found out he had a couple of girls he was pursuing, so I didn't feel bad at all, and our friendship and subscriptions just quietly came to an end.

During my whole friendship with CPS, and while I was waiting to hear from short hot guy (SHG), I had two instant messenger conversations with two young homeschool guys. BC from Arizona was 25 years old, good-looking, went to a family-integrated church (which I thought was cool), and was definitely not ready to support a family. He also never really asked questions about me. ER from San Diego was 26 years old, Reformed (which I'm not), and creepily reminded me of the actor who played the paranoid husband in He Knew He Was Right. That was hard to break off because at that moment I really enjoyed the attention but I was really not interested and he kept IMing me.

Finally I heard back from SHG--he had been in a car accident, thus the long response time. I wrote back. He took another several weeks to reply. I wrote back. And as my subscription was expiring, I did the ultra bold thing and sent him my personal e-mail address (and not even my junk e-mail address)! And then I waited, nervous that I had just shot myself in the foot. But what could I do? I wasn't going to subscribe AGAIN for him!

Meanwhile I went back to eHarmony and responded to J-2, a heavier set (not a problem at all), highschool teacher that also lives somewhat nearby. We e-mailed back and forth, but his e-mails were short and rather unsubstantial. Finally he said he didn't spend much time on his computer and that, if I wanted, I could call him, and he left me his number. I decided I wasn't that interested.

Around this time I also realized that maybe I don't want to meet a guy online. Not ideally. Ideally I want to experience that flutter of butterflies from seeing someone in person that you like, but the interest or possible interest has yet to be expressed.

To my surprise and excitement, SHG wrote back on my personal e-mail address! To make a drawn-out story short, we are still e-mailing, but he takes so long to reply that I'm wondering if it's even worth replying anymore, if I'm really that interested (and if I'm willing to pursue something with someone as short as I am).

And that sums up my year-long journey through online dating!

As a final note:
After all the profiles I have viewed, I like to think that my current listening of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy will make me a more eligible match to any future prospects. :-P

60: we all have our crazy stories--these are just mine

I got a smile from a 50 yr old, asking me if he could take me to dinner.

After blocking him, I decided to look at his profile because the first line interested me. It read

If you are older than me or Aferican american (a black woman), I am NOT INTRESTED, As I really perfer younger woman the younger the better

In his profile he also mentioned that he's been at the same job for 27 years. Considering I just turned 28, I think it rather ironic that men his age would try to attract a woman who has only been alive as long as they've been at their job.

I got a message from a 41 year old with the subject title being "Hello Missy." I cracked up! Because how can you take an older man seriously in a romantic sense when he starts it off saying "hello, missy!" :-P

He then called me pulchritudinous. Which I had to look up.

I got another message from a fellow my age (yay!) who used "cheese and rice" in the way Josephine March used "Christopher Columbus!" or I might say, "For goodness' sake." Cheese and rice??? What on earth? Oh wait.

(Say it out loud and you might get it like I finally did.)

My subscription for ChristianMingle ends in 9 days. I don't plan on renewing. But I am waiting to hear back from one fellow. He's the one I paid the subscription for and then didn't hear from for some two months. Now we've exchanged a couple e-mails, but I'm wondering if that'll all die with the end of my subscription.

Ah well. The ebb and flow of life.

59: believing what you believe

I know God has put me at this school as a 3-grades combo teacher. Some days I want to really complain. Some days I really want to say "I CAN'T do this." But, I swallow the emotions in spite of myself because I know that this is where God has me. And ya can't really argue with that.

I know the fact that this whole online dating thing hasn't produced any "results" is okay, and God's got charge. Recently I was even thinking of writing a post about one area (among others) where I just realized I have major relationship issues and that maybe it's a good thing God hasn't given me a relationship in the last year or so!

But then an uber-quiet fellow I know told me he found success on a dating site after only 3 months and is going strong with a girl.

"You?" he asked me.

Nope.

I tried not to internalize the passing thought of "So what's the matter with you?" After all, this shy, unsociable fellow has a girlfriend, so...what's the matter with me?

I found myself coming home, getting online, and looking to see if there were any guys I hadn't been particularly attracted to that I could now send a reply to, casting my bread upon the waters, just so I could have a better chance of success.

(No luck.)

Anyways, I have to reel myself back in, speak the truth to myself that, no, this is where God has me. No rush. No pressure. No asking why not me.

In other words, sometimes ya gotta push the emotions aside and just believe what you believe.

56: I wish I knew you blues

How do you describe an emotional rollercoaster? Turmoil, elation, hope, deflation.

After several days of things-are-looking-up, tonight I'm thinking...

...I don't know.

...Why can't I just meet "the one" and everything fall into place?

...Why can't this be a lot easier?

...At least I have the excitement of school to fall back on.

...At least God has given me school to focus on.

...God is always there. He's what gives my life meaning.

...*sigh*

Y'know how it is.

Insight into myself: I fear the process between unattached singleness and marriage because I have not yet learned how to do the slight commitment but not full comitment, work through things for this relationship but still have a backdoor to jump at any time because it's just temporary, maybe, don't look at other guys because you're in a relationship, do be open to other guys because you're not married yet, relationship maze that so many people pull off and hopefully I will one day too but for now it seems awfully confusing.

Why do I write?

Because I like to. :-P

And hopefully someone out there sometime

will come across something here that speaks to her

and encourages her

that she's not the only one.

 

And maybe she'll learn more about herself

by hearing about this portion of my journey.

53: why a dtr can feel like a breakup (no answers)

He suggested meeting in person . . .

And (after God moved him) I told him I wasn't interested in him romantically.

It went really well, this crash-landing DTR. He was very sensible and kind. But I scratched my head while simultaneously pounding it against the wall because, to me, it felt like a breakup.

I felt like we broke up.

I felt like there was a void to fill.

I felt like I had lost a friend.

"And yes," I wrote in my journal, "I think I'm in the .005% of girls in the world who feel like a DTR = a breakup."

All we did was clarify the acquaintanceship, the temporary friendship. To me, I had rejected a guy.

Just being vulnerable here.

Am I that incapable of enduring emotional discomfort?

I don't think it has anything to do with my level of emotional involvement. Rather, I think it is connected with how much I view that fellow as an individual. If he's someone I've never exchanged a conversation with, *snort*, not interested, dude. But if he's anything from someone I've talked with a little but for whom I'm just am not feelin' it at all to someone I've talked with a lot and I'm thinking it won't go anywhere, it's tougher.

I'd like to say I just have a compassionate spirit. But I don't think that's what it is. Lord?

Maybe *lightbulb moment* I'm too much of a people pleaser.

Still figuring myself out.

52: asking God to move the guy

I'm a Boundless girl, which means I think in terms of DTR.

DTR: an abbreviation for "define the relationship;" what all relationships must have lest they stay forever in the buddy phase.

Buddy Phase: when you are in a dating-like friendship with a guy who is not interested in taking the relationship forward, thereby stunting your own journey towards marriage because you are unwilling to give up having a guy in your life

Anyway, I mentioned in a previous post that I was waiting for a DTR from a certain guy online. I wanted to either hear from him if he thought this acquaintanceship could go anywhere, or have him propose us meeting in person (since another fellow from only a couple hours away had e-mailed me for three months on eHarmony and we never met--wasn't going to do that again!). Of course, what I didn't realize when I was thinking all this was that we'd only been e-mailing for two weeks! :-P Yeah, maybe a little early for a DTR.

I wrote the following in my journal

Sent query to Boundless about what to do when you spent 3 months e-mailing a guy you met on a Christian dating site and after 3 months you never met and he didn't even try to meet you til you hinted and now you've been e-mailing another guy for 2 weeks and want to either meet or find out if the acquaintanceship is going anywhere (DTR-define the relationship-b/c I don't mind staying just friends if I know) but don't know how to encourage such without being forward, scaring him, or taking away his initiative but don't want to still be chumming it months down the road.

Determined to pray that God would move him so I wouldn't have to say anything with dual benefit of seeing if he listens to God's voice. Estimated waiting time: one week.

So I put it in God's all-powerful hands--not the first thing an anxious girl that wants to know thinks of--and you know what? God answered immediately! The fellow IMed that same day, which, in dating site land, or at least to me, was taking it one step forward (real time convo vs. e-mailing). Then awhile later he suggested meeting in person. And then . . .

I'll save that for another post. :)

51: I don't like surprises

A fellow I've gotten to know as a friend on ChristianMingle said something profound the other day. I was telling him how I'm terrified of the process of getting from unattached singleness to marriage. I was telling him how I don't like the part of dating where you have a picture in your head of who someone is, but you don't know when you're going to find out something about them that will change your whole perception and the person will pop out of the box you've put them in. I said extra info confuses me, muddies the waters.

He said that it makes the picture clearer.

Surprises about the person you're interested in, learning more about their past, finding out about secret, unplanned idiosyncrasies--they make the picture clearer.

That's a good thing.

I want to remember that.

50: on saying no

Fellows (my age) have sent me messages, and I've declined to reply. One time I even responded and told him I didn't think it would work out. But these were people I hadn't interacted with, and it was in an e-mail format. Very easy to say no and move on.

I just had to tell someone no via instant messenger, and that was harder.

Because he seemed to be a good guy. Really. But I just wasn't interested.

Maybe it was his pictures (reminiscent of the main character--a creep--in the BBC made-for-TV movie He Knew He Was Right). Maybe it was because I could tell his personality was milder than I prefer. Maybe it was because he was Reformed, and I'm not (ask the people in my church who are!). Actually, it was all of the above.

We had talked once before on instant messenger, which is when I discovered he was Reformed. We had a good conversation, and I found out he knew people I knew from when he debated for a year. By the end of the conversation, even though I had given him a chance, I knew I wasn't interested.

Tonight he IMed me again. Sometime soon, I was going to have to let him know, and I hoped he wouldn't force my hand, but I had a hunch he would.

The moment came when he asked if I wanted to continue the conversation on e-mail. I conveniently ignored it.

Then, at the end of the conversation, he asked again. I made an excuse. He countered. I had to tell him that I understood what he meant, but thanks, no.

We said goodbye.

*sigh*

I'm sure some of you are going what? you don't even know the guy, no biggie!

*sigh*

It's still hard for me to send that message of rejection.

Ah well, it's over now.

49: people watching, the fun of dating sites

You should try online dating if for no other reason than reading other people's profiles. Just kidding! But it is rather a from-home way of going to the mall to people watch.

Hot Squeeze didn't include a picture because he thought it would be best if you saw him in person. He's larger than life!

Weekly attender of a well-known, solid church answered "To me, being a Christian means..." "Be true"

What I really can't understand is why I got a "smile" from a 45 year old after changing my profile to read, "If you are 40+, please don't click on my profile."

Getting profile views from 18 year olds is just as wrong as getting them from 49 year olds.

The introductory words of an older man with a creepy, blue-tinted photo were I'm a serious person and I believe in the Apocalypse.

On the humorous side, one guy starts his profile with, "Describe myself? Well...I'm insecure , lack confidence, still live with mom and dad, and unemployed. Still interested? If your answer is yes...get help!"

One guy didn't know what to write, so he put random facts about himself, like, "I used to be fat... and yes I have the pictures to prove it!"

What about this one? "I am VERY conservative; 100% pro-life; and passionate about adoption, being an advocate for orphans, as well as home-schooling. Also, I'm a firm believer in the Second Amendment. =)"

First reaction, haha!
Second reaction, advocate for orphans...wait, really?
Third reaction, there's hope!