Three hours of in-person conversation later. . . I haven't met many people like him. His philosophical, thinker-kind of conversation and attentiveness to my interaction with him touched a part of me that partly stirred up old demons of when I used to get too much into my own head (too much thinking), and partly stirred up a profoundly personal part of me that rarely sees the light of day these days. I was amazed at how I reacted emotionally after coming home and processing.
I think I liked this guy.
We had a connection (What is that? I don't know, but the glimpse I got made me want more!).
And I barely knew him.
The problem was, I didn't know where he stood spiritually. I knew he claimed to be a Christian, went to a mainline Christian church, and had an obviously Christian worldview. But, because of his personality, and because I was trying to pry without asking point-blank questions, it was impossible to pin him down on his personal walk with the Lord. Like, reliance on Jesus' death and resurrection for his salvation, depth of Bible reading, prayer, and personal commitment to follow Jesus, not just the forms of the Christian faith. So I prayed, and wrestled, and prayed, and wrestled, and texted with him, and got replies, and received texts from him (like, he initiated it!), and was elated, and wrestled with the Lord some more. My journal has been getting good use.
Thankfully, this has only gone on since last Friday. Today is Tuesday.
He called tonight. Thirty minutes of conversation confirmed that we do fit together nicely (at least as much as you can tell from one in-person meeting and one short telephone call). I joked, he laughed his I'm-surprised-you-said-that-but-I-like-it laugh. He made jokes, I laughed because it was nice just to communicate so comfortably and have the hope for this progressing.
And then, somewhere amid the thirty minutes, he dropped the bomb.
He is becoming Mormon.
Say what?
I thank the Lord for answering my prayer SO CLEARLY. And so quickly! I don't have to wonder about his spiritual walk anymore! He is obviously not "the one."
And yet. Not "but," just an "and yet."
I think we actually mutually liked each other. We at least both thought each other interesting. We want the same thing for our future families. We both listen to audiobooks when we drive. I am dealing with the pain of this "prospect"--such a good prospect--draining out of my life. I am sad.
And YET!
Unique as he was, "good" as he was, he was apparently never meant to be a prospect. Why did God put him in my life for such a short time? I do not know, do not need to know. But the hope that my connection with him stirred in me, and the hurt of now-relinquished hope, made me cry out tonight in my journal, "I will keep asking and seeking and knocking until You answer."
Because my God does not give serpents when His children ask for fish, or stones when we ask for bread. Despite how I feel, I'm not missing out, and I didn't lose a good opportunity. And my God says that, like the man who got up in the middle of the night to give his friend food for his traveling guests--how much more will our Father in heaven answer the persistent prayers of His daughters! (Lk. 11:5-8, Mt. 7:7-12, Lk. 18:1)
So that's been my week. On Sunday I wrote in my journal, "I know my God. If He calls me to surrender, it's nothing I haven't done before. He is good". So He is. And so He will continue to be.
How does Admiral Croft's line from Persuasion (1995) go? "And now it's time to begin all over again, with someone else." Something like that. :)
Clarification: God does not promise us spouses. Sometimes He does encourage us to pray for specific things, like a husband, while other times it is enough that we are resting in the joy of His presence without making requests.
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| girls trip to the beach this weekend |
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