266: not quite my covid-19 life

God's crinkly nature

When it comes to world events, I admit, I tend to be an ostrich. Perhaps not burying my head in the sand, but just not taking any effort to read the articles, watch the news videos, etc. (Dorcas Lane would call it "my one weakness," but alas, it's not.) So, while the world was stocking up on toilet paper and complaining about the hoarders and theorizing about whether the corona virus is overblown, deadly, or part of a conspiracy, I was very focused on my own little world. I was listening to a book about the Donner Party and reading absolutely GRISTLY ways that people tortured other people. I had to stop reading.

I'd been thinking about evil a lot lately, about persecution, about torture, namely. What is the corona virus compared to the imaginations of a human being completely given over to hate and wickedness? And the thing is, the Holocaust wasn't that long ago.

A friend mentioned, almost in passing, the church of Smyrna. So I looked up the passage in Revelation 2. Verse 10 stopped and held me.

"Do not fear any of those things which you are about to suffer."

Do not fear. Don't do it.

Not because everything will be fine. Just because we live in a sanitary world of flushing toilets, soap at every sink, and non-stop laundry facilities does not guarantee us a continuance of our cushy lives. How can people live with the threat of terror? How did the women pioneers crossing the plains and the Rockies find the courage to continue on when they knew they could be captured and scalped? How do people in Africa live life when the threat of guerrilla fighters overtaking their village is a possibility? How do pastors in China relax when they could be imprisoned yet again--and I won't even recount the torture I have heard of in third-world prisons.

Do not fear.

Not because God will protect me from it. The verse explicitly says that the believers in Smyrna were about to suffer.

But, do not fear.

Scripture says it over and over and over again. Do not fear. I am with you. Do not fear. I will provide for you. Do not fear--I see every sparrow that falls, and are you not of more value than many sparrows? Do not fear, highly favored one. Do not fear, I am with you wherever you go. Do not fear any of those things which you are about to suffer. Fear God. He neither faints nor grows weary. He never slumbers or sleeps. He is a consuming fire, and He WILL see justice is meted out on the wicked. He is jealous for you. He has secured You as His child with the very blood of His Son. A mother may forget her newborn baby, but God will NOT forget you. You are His bride. You are His future. Greater is He who is in you than he who is in the world.

So, stop fearing. It is a directive. It is not conditional on circumstances. Just stop. And trust Him for the grace in that moment, whenever, if ever, that moment comes. But for this moment, right now, do not fear. Do not fear.

What is the victory that overcomes the world? Our faith. Not faith in the seen, but faith in the unseen. And not faith that all will be well. Not blind faith. Have faith in Yahweh God Almighty, who is and who was and who is to come, and in His Son Jesus Christ, who is coming on the clouds, and every eye will see Him.

He's got us. And we have Him.

255: ONE ONE!

My great-niece texted me the other day. It was a video, followed by the words, "He won't stop saying that."

The video was of my 3 yr. old great-nephew bouncing on the couch singing, "In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. Genesis 1:1."

After babysitting him the last three days, I can testify that he does sing it multiple times a day.

The thing is, up until Wednesday, all he could say was 1:1. Then suddenly, the song I had been drilling into him for months clicked, and now he's so proud of himself as he unintelligibly sings the first verse of Holy Writ.

It absolutely made my day.

I am surprised that teaching a child about the Lord must happen so intentionally. Is it because there is something off about how I live my life that the gospel cannot be absorbed naturally? Is it because I see him so seldom? Or maybe it is for this reason that Deuteronomy 6:7 says explicitly "You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up." It *must* be intentional. It must be in your face, as a sign on your hand, frontlets between your eyes, written on the doorposts of your house, and on your gates.

And as it intentionally comes out of the adult's mouth, the truth is re-examined and re-imprinted on the adult's heart: "beware lest you forget the LORD" (Deut. 6:12).

In The Return of the Prodigal Son, Henri J.M. Nouwen, talking about God's heart in the Luke 15 parables, says, "God not only offers forgiveness, reconciliation, and healing, but wants to lift up these gifts as a source of joy for all who witness them. .  . . God does not want to keep his joy to himself. He wants everyone to share in it. . . . God rejoices. Not because the problems of the world have been solved, not because all human pain and suffering have come to an end, nor because thousands of people have been converted and are now praising him for his goodness. No, God rejoices because one of his children who was lost has been found. What I am called to is to enter into that joy" (ch. 9).

So, even as my great-nephew drives his family crazy singing his memory verse over and over again, I rejoice that one little seed has been planted. May it, and the seeds following it, bring forth a harvest some day.

254: it's okay to feel that lack

I'm considering applying for a specific job position next year.

And I wish I could discuss the idea with a guy. (Not like a dad-guy, but, like, someone who is somewhat invested in my future...you knooooow.)

My latest writing project just got published.

And I'd like to share it with a guy.

But--

Sometimes in life there are times when we really want to share something with a significant other. And that just isn't possible.

Usually for me that happens when there is someone I'm getting to know, or am somewhat interested in, but the natural progression of our friendship hasn't quite arrived at the point of being able to share whatever it is I want to share.

It's aggravating.

You know what? That is okay. It is okay to not have a guy to share those things with. It is okay to feel that lack.

You can feel that missing piece and still be okay. We can still thrive.

Not because of girl power, or because God didn't say it wasn't good for man to be alone, but because God can and does provide all you need, and if you do not have someone right now, well...I have to believe you have enough until God provides a miracle to fill your need.

That's all.

253: my own little corner and a bit of an overview about life

I love my bedroom.

I love the Paris themed mini set of drawers on my desk where I keep my Flair pens and Sharpies. I love the dried rose that I think came from a singles event, though I could be wrong, and the mini Eiffel tower sitting on top. I love my Farmers' Market themed calendar against my aqua colored wall and the typography done by a college friend's sister that says "Beginnings are always messy" sitting on a bright yellow painted piece of plywood with a glittery pineapple ornament from the friend that hosted my Hawaii adventures last year sitting next to it. I love the random pieces of furniture that do not match but are my own style. I love that this year off I was finally able to learn to have a place for everything and put everything back in its place. It took 34 years for that skill to finally find residency in my psyche but here we are.

I love that even though I am living at home and between full time jobs, I feel settled. I feel settled spiritually, emotionally, physically. Not permanently glued, but less shifting sand, less up and down on the turbulent waters. Who knows what tomorrow will bring, right? But there's the blessed stability of having experienced enough of life and God to be a little less caught up by the uncertainty of the future.

The rug might be pulled out from me next week. And I still have so many questions about the future and the present. And I'm not satisfied with everything about how I live my life. But should we be? Shouldn't we always be striving for improvement?

But for now, I am happy, thankful, and wouldn't revoke this year at home in the least. I'm thankful for my 30s, even though, man, that big 40 just gets nearer.

Lord, that I might not just be settled and happy but that I may truly fulfill Your purpose for me and be willing to take any risk that that may require.

My writing job is going well too. I regularly write both fiction and non-fiction, which means I am always researching something new, or writing about something I'm listening to in an audio book. I love research! I love culling info into a small non-fiction piece that, hopefully, captivates the reader's interest. My writing boss says she loves my work--yay--so I keep plugging away until I hear otherwise.

Meanwhile I help my mom babysit my great-nephew twice a week. He's into trains. I don't think I mentioned it on here, but a couple years ago I was told an incoming student was big into trains. I ended up buying two train books--one the ULTIMATE train book with photos and info about all the trains in history, and the other an historical picture book about people heading west by train. Well, my student ended up changing his fandom to dragons, and the books sat there until I went and snagged them from my class library this year and brought them back home for my great-nephew to enjoy. It warms my heart so when he goes and grabs one of the train books from his little area in my room. I feel like my friend who's a boy-mom--I'm learning more about these mechanical things than I would ever have otherwise!

My great-niece and I have been spending time more regularly together. She's a hard nut to crack, but I think I'm finally enjoying her blessed insides, lol. Twice now she and I have served dinner at Salvation Army together. She is so brave (despite squeezing my hand as we pass homeless people) and so efficient and responsible in serving food! Twice now she has previewed my writing and made notes on which passages are boring and which are not. I needed the perspective of my target audience! And every time I pick her up from school she wants frozen yogurt! I think it's only going to get worse as the weather warms up. Unfortunately her great-aunt is an ice cream fanatic too!

My mom likes that I am not stressed out, that I am relaxed. And that I'm around. She likes the company.

I haven't done much major traveling because of my year off. I wash my car more by hand now, lol. I know that's kind of random to insert here, but it seemed like something I should do instead of always paying money to go through the drive-thru when I could save money by just exerting a little work and time. One of those homey chores I avoided until I had time this year to reevaluate.

And now I'm just scraping the bottom of the barrel for things to say. So, until next time I stop by, adieu.

252: the x factor

I am not sure I am using that term right. I'm thinking it means that undefinable factor that makes something work, no?

I was watching Mystery 101 tonight. It's a Hallmark mystery.

I've been watching a lot of Hallmark mysteries lately, courtesy of Frndly TV (for the first time ever, I can watch Hallmark NOT on YouTube??). And I've noticed something.

Those characters give eye contact. A lot. They give each other their full attention. I mean, they hold that eye contact when any normal person would look away.

It's not realistic. At all.

And yet.

Have you ever interacted with someone who actually looked at you when you spoke? Whose expression said that they were completely focused on you and understanding what you were saying? Not just understanding, but listening to you, your soul.

And not just giving you their full attention, but liking what they were seeing?

It is rare. I think it must be a personality mutation that only a few people have, to be able to give that full focus and bestow that feeling of worth.

And that's what some of Hallmark's actors capture through much professional labor and experienced directing by the makers of theatrical romance.

But, is it possible that we could bottle up just a little bit of that fake focus and actually employ it in our real lives? Because you don't have to have movie makeup and hair stylists and be a model to make someone feel like they are the most valuable person to you right now.



via GIPHY

251: without Jesus, I would be insane

I was recently reading a report from a school that said over 40% of its student population claim that mental health issues, like stress and anxiety, affect their success in school. It was also observed that mental health issues are on an upward trend.

It made me remember what I have thought before, perhaps morbidly. Namely, that without Jesus, I would be in an insane asylum. Granted, this is alternate history and not verifiable. But this is what I think.

Without Jesus, I would be a pleasure-seeker. I would seek fulfillment anywhere and everywhere. Without Jesus, I would have no basis for morals. I would see that even the boundaries I did arbitrarily set lacked foundations, and I would experiment to see how far I could go. I would be desperate for something to fill me, but I would also be lazy to do what it really took to rise above myself and my feelings. I would become depressed. I would grow inward and anti-social. I would become consumed by hopelessness. I would spiral. Without Jesus, His objective Truth, and the counsel of other believers (like my mom), my only recourse would be at least medication, if not suicide or homelessness, because I wouldn't be able to deal with life.

I know that sounds ridiculously grim. But I am so governed by the principles of Scripture, that it is that which keeps me at the level of living which I enjoy, which isn't anything grandiose anyway, but is considerably better than my nature would take me to.

Because of Jesus, I know pleasures are not meant to fulfill. They are blessings from Him, but not soul quenchers.

Because of Jesus, I know that my soul has eternal value independent of anything else. I am valuable because I am a human being made by God and because Jesus died to save me.

Because of Jesus, I know I have purpose apart from circumstances.

Because of Jesus, I know that circumstances and feelings are temporary and changeable. I have Him as my Rock always.

Because of Jesus, I have hope that Someone sees the end from the beginning, and even though I do not understand His sovereignty, I believe He is sovereign and that I am in His hand. Life is not spiraling out of control.

Because of God's Word, I know that laziness is not the correct option, that morals are not subjective, that there is Life bigger than me to live for.

When I was a teenager, I struggled with depression. Although most of that dissipated by the time I turned 18, I think my true freedom came that next year when God revealed the cross more to me. That it's not about me and what I do. It's about the objective act of Christ on the cross.

Objectivity, and being planted firmly in it, and a personal love within that objectivity, does wonders for my crazed emotions.

So, these kids with mental health issues every day. Yes, of course they do. Because we live in a messed up world and there are no answers. Unless--

Book Review: A Girl's Guide to the Outback

I literally JUST finished this book, am in the middle of cleaning the kitchen after Mom's stirfry dinner, but I want to get this review written now while it's fresh and before days pass like with The Dating Charade.

So it may be a quick review.

First, the setting was lovely. Australia with its accents and different English words for things, the farm setting, the casual mention of kangaroos and koalas--I don't know anything about this author but I sure hope she's Aussie. :) I listened to the audiobook version, so I enjoyed the accents (even though the author's American sounded Canadian!).

Second, I liked the plot and characters. All-business Kim goes to Australia to try to convince called-to-preach Sam, who considers her his nemesis, to return to their youth ministry which is falling apart in the states without him. They both must learn to confront their fears, communicate them, and not allow their fears power to have control any longer. The side characters with their own love story is fun too. :)

Third, there was too much description of physical attraction (and PDA) for me. It was woven well into the character's personality (It was very believable that Jules would use binoculars to watch Nic chop firewood). But, it was a bit much for me. These Christian romance novels are actually ironic (probably not the correct adjective) considering I lean towards having a fairly hands-free dating relationship and no kissing til the altar, and all these books take the general stance of kiss first, build the relationship later.

Ok, out of time! :) Now I get to read Sarah Sundin's book review. I was putting off reading it until I finished the book. :)

P.S. According to Amazon, Jessica Kate IS Australian--yay! And Sarah Sundin's book review (which I DID link) gives a MUCH better synopsis than I did. :)

P.S.S. One of the lines that will stick out to me for awhile is, "What would you do if you weren't afraid?"

250: when you're procrastinating....

250! A quarter to 1,000! Except with book reviews and what not, 250 isn't quite accurate. Ah well. :)

You know what I do when I'm stressed? I procrastinate. You know what I'm doing now?

Well, I'm not reading a school's Self-Study for an upcoming work-related trip. I'm not reading To Kill a Mockingbird which I'm supposed to have read before meeting up with some church ladies this Sunday. I'm not even writing for kids (vs. blogging).

I did limit my stress-eating to one thing of frozen yogurt and grapes. Weight Watchers frowns on the cheese in the fridge, and the frozen yogurt was supposed to last through this weekend of dog sitting. But I had enough points, and it was sooo gooood. :)

It's lonely dog sitting. Or perhaps I'm just in a mood. A mood to chat. A mood to procrastinate, lol. No, several days ago when I was dog sitting (which I rarely do, but I currently have a spate of dates through the rest of this school year), one of the first things I missed was having my mom around. Having another person around to talk with between things.

Writing helps.

If you're single, if you've ever liked a guy, have you ever thought, "Just ask me out! When are you going to?" I mean, this would have been anathema to my courtship soul. But those dating-is-a-bad-word days are gone, and sometimes I'm like JUST GIVE IT A CHANCE. I have yet for telepathy to work for me, but per my usual freak-out manner, it struck me the other day

WAIT

If someone (preferably someone I liked...because I did have a dream the other day about being pursued by someone who, while I don't not like, I wasn't like-liking)--where was I? If someone DID ask me out, and if that date led to another, and if a series of intentional meetings turned into an intentional relationship, and that intentional relationship for once in my lifetime (lol, get it?) culminated in marriage, then

I would never experience singleness again.

At least, not on this side of potential widowhood.

You're single when you're dating, but it's a different kind of singleness. It's not the same sitting on a couch on a Thursday night realizing you have no male to text. Ok, I take that back. I can think of a couple males I COULD text because #friends. And I have a female friend who I can text at all hours. But, girl friends or guy friends are not the same as someone who is investing in you.

And not having someone invested in you, and figuratively standing by to hear from you, makes you have to swallow that urge to lean on someone else and instead check your emotions before God. It's a positive thing.

Having a relationship with someone to whom you are mutually committed is a positive thing too.

Goodness, this procrastination thing is really going tangential.

My point was, hey, calm down, slow down, enjoy this time of NOT being in a relationship, because once you get that date, that might be the end of this season.

And then my friend astutely observed, uh, we've been in this season for YEARS. You've been there, done that, bought the t-shirt, taken all the selfies (my words, not hers). It is okay to go on to the next season of life.

Good point there.

Still. This is what is familiar. And I'm afraid I'll forget. I'm afraid I won't be able to minister well to other singles because this season will fade as much as other memories have.

Fear.

Why do so many things come down to fear?

If we could only pinpoint our fears and actually examine them, how much healthier would we be as a people?

Fear that I won't actually get this Self-Study read.
Fear that there's no way I'll finish To Kill a Mockingbird by Sunday.
Fear that I will continue not to write consistently, even though I really have tried this week to get back in the saddle.
Fear that I'm a lazy blob.

Look those fears in the face. And then speak truth and act intentionally.

Off to check Facebook, then I'll prioritize...

The book I'm listening to now after seeing the same author-FBers that posted about The Dating Charade post about it...and after clarifying that it was a novel, not a literal guidebook to Australia.

249: gotta quibble

So!

In times past, I have been ALL about how serious a guy is. I've been attracted to those quiet, aloof types. Mystery. Intrigue. And seriousness has been important to me. Very important. Not that I am necessarily a serious person at all. But there's just been something that has compelled me to value a guy who, well, knows when it is appropriate to put aside the silly loudness and to stop and focus. [I still do.] If I were honest, I probably more required him to know when I had switched moods and then switch with me. And, when I am interested in a guy, I can change from fun to serious ON A DIME. Partly because, with simply a sentence, I can plummet from optimism to pessimistic doubt about if it's going to work out with said guy. Partly because I am an introvert who can suddenly be DONE. So, if I'm DONE, then I need him to spidey-sense that and join me for one-on-one serious time away from the raucous crowd.

But, well, there's this thing called change. And maturing. And learning from past foibles.

So, there was this guy. Who I liked for an inordinate amount of time. Thankfully God nipped that in the bud once it started to seem like maybe it was going to possibly but probably not but hopefully be reciprocated, and I started the process of relinquishing that ill-chosen crush. But, one of the best parts about my friendship with this fellow has been our banter. I absolutely love it!

And, once the infatuation had been banked, and once I interacted with him in the light of not-stalking-his-every-movement, and once I could reflect, I realized that I really value teasing and banter. Like, wow, I want that. I WANT that in a future marriage. As a top quality.

I used to force-test guys to see if they could be serious.

Now I focus on being playful. And appreciate when I see that they know how to be appropriately serious and how to participate in my need for quality conversation.

And I'm sitting here noticing the complete difference in my approach and going, actually, this is healthier. Especially for those early getting-to-know-you-as-a-friend conversations. It also removes an unspoken expectation on the guy to somehow know when I need him to tone down. Well, I still have some residual cues that tell me a guy is being too silly and it's rubbing me the wrong way. But, still. Growth. Change.

Except now I'm all worried that I'll be thought of as too shallow and not serious enough. :P

Aaaaaaalll the female over-analyzing. :)

Good night.

Book Review: The Dating Charade

So, a couple times a year a bunch of Christian fiction authors get together and do a Scavenger Hunt.

It's great! You get to jump from blog to blog, read a bit about the author and his/her (usually her) latest book, write down the CLUE WORDS, and enter raffles by "liking" the author's FB page or signing up for her newsletter.

It's how I discovered Carrie Stuart Parks, my latest favorite author. It's why I read Carry Me Home by an Australian author. It's why I was curious about Irene Hannon's suspense novels and No Ocean Too Wide by Carrie Turansky before friends recommended them, even though I haven't read them yet.

And it's why I followed Australian author Hannah Currie and saw The Dating Charade in a stack of her books and also saw it in another author's TBR pile.

Long way of getting to the point.

The point is, the cover was super cute. The title was fun. The idea of it being about online dating appealed to me.

Basically, it sounded like a really shallow chick-flick novel that I should not check out.

But the cover was soooooo cute.

And I finally caved. As to a guilty pleasure.

And the first several chapters WERE fun. Cassie has been there done that with the online dating thing and she has the first date down to a science.

But, this book is no guilty pleasure.

Because after several chapters (each chapter trades off between Cassie's perspective and Jett's perspective), I was drawn heart and soul into a story about foster care.

I really don't want to ruin the book for you, but the depth here is what pulled at my emotions. It's what made me enjoy this book so much. The "dating charade" took a back seat to the side-story of kids needing stability, and single people with hearts to help but no idea what they're doing. (That last line was a generalization because, again, I don't want to give too much away.)

I have had a heart for foster care for a long time. Caring for other's kids. Taking in those kids who have had to build up walls or have created unacceptable behavior patterns and give them love and stability until they begin to relax and relearn how to live well. I don't have any experience, but it's been a one-day dream.

So that's why I liked this book. And besides, the cover really is so cute!

248: Valentines Day post

I brought the Sunday school kiddos (all 1 of them, and then another joined us) into the sanctuary for worship this morning. We were singing "At the cross You beckon me, You draw me gently to my knees." It's not my favorite song, lyrics-wise. But two sections popped out to me and set me really thinking.

"On it my Savior, both bruised and crushed

Showed that God is love and God is just"

Ack! I love SO much that God is BOTH of those things and not just one. There is such fullness in knowing that God is not just loving, but that He is powerful and that He doesn't put up with garbage (not my usual terminology, but it suits). He doesn't put up with the wicked coming against Him as though they can fight against the Almighty God of the Universe and win.

But, that doesn't have anything to do with Valentines Day.

The second part that stuck out was, "wholly surrendered."

It resonated with what I was pouring out to the Lord while the songs were being sung.

This hope of a relationship all us single girls hold--it's fragile. I have been through "failed" relationships. It HURTS. A couple have broken me. I've been through other circumstances too. I've felt the deep darkness of a black hole when my world rocked with new, unexpected information.

It makes me want to wrap myself up, build my castle walls, and look with a very, very wary eye at hope of a relationship. Mmhm. Yeah, you can feel slightly elated, but I wouldn't count on it happening for nothin'.

(Every time I hear of a single I know online getting into a relationship I'm like, mmm...probably won't last. I mean it's great, but statistically...)

And that's not right (well, at least the hopeless-kind of skepticism I direct at myself). That's being governed by fear and skepticism instead of hope. It sounds like self-protection, but it is not healthy.

The thing is, even if I'm never in another reciprocal relationship (because we all know non-reciprocal, unrequited "relationships" will continue to happen cuz they're our life-blood :-P). Or even if I'm in a relationship that bombs out. Or if I'm not. No matter if I'm single for the rest of my days--WHATEVER, and I mean WHATEVER the future holds as far as companionship and marriage--I have hope.

You know that hurt and black hole I mentioned before? I know I've blogged about this before. Those experiences--those experiences of pain and tears and cannot-Cannot-CANNOT--I am so so so thankful for them.

Because they have PROVEN God's faithfulness. They have PROVEN that life will not end in pain. They have PROVEN that I have hope on the other side of brokenness. They are my guarantee that even if I fall onto the shards of shattered expectations again--if I let myself open up and I'm shattered--that my life is not over. He will get me through. His plans for me are not through. I am held in hands that redeem. I am held in hands that can use me. That to live is Christ and to die is gain, and, as another song goes, "In the hands of our Redeemer, nothing is wasted."

(Y'all. If I ever do get married and have kids, I want to name one something like "faithfulness." Like "Fidelidad" or "Leal.")

Anyway, so this Valentines Day, I'm trying not to focus on the ROMANCE (in big, fluffy letters) of the holiday. Because, discontentment is painful too. :-P I am embracing the holiday (girls partayyy!). And I'm focusing on NOT clinging to expectations--positive OR negative--but clinging to God's goodness and faithfulness no matter what.

Valentines Post 2018
Valentines Post 2017