I am not sure I am using that term right. I'm thinking it means that undefinable factor that makes something work, no?
I was watching Mystery 101 tonight. It's a Hallmark mystery.
I've been watching a lot of Hallmark mysteries lately, courtesy of Frndly TV (for the first time ever, I can watch Hallmark NOT on YouTube??). And I've noticed something.
Those characters give eye contact. A lot. They give each other their full attention. I mean, they hold that eye contact when any normal person would look away.
It's not realistic. At all.
And yet.
Have you ever interacted with someone who actually looked at you when you spoke? Whose expression said that they were completely focused on you and understanding what you were saying? Not just understanding, but listening to you, your soul.
And not just giving you their full attention, but liking what they were seeing?
It is rare. I think it must be a personality mutation that only a few people have, to be able to give that full focus and bestow that feeling of worth.
And that's what some of Hallmark's actors capture through much professional labor and experienced directing by the makers of theatrical romance.
But, is it possible that we could bottle up just a little bit of that fake focus and actually employ it in our real lives? Because you don't have to have movie makeup and hair stylists and be a model to make someone feel like they are the most valuable person to you right now.
via GIPHY
Showing posts with label not quite online dating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label not quite online dating. Show all posts
Friday, February 28, 2020
Sunday, December 16, 2018
243: not worth a title
Apparently I wasn't willing to put the work into blogging every day when I started that series on my interests.
It has been a hard last few weeks. But Friday was a good day at work, and today it has been wonderfully dark and drizzly outside, creating a feeling of rest and comfort inside.
I am doing the Teachers in the Word Christmas reading plan this season. It's really nice to have something to keep up with consistently! And I also have a mini-reading plan on names for Christ by Natasha Metzler. And I started Ann Voskamp's The Greatest Gift in November to give me a running start (which also has daily Scripture passages). I'm actually not ridiculously behind, which is nice!
In the singles social media group I am a part of, arranged marriage (and its ilk) has been a recent topic of conversation. Lord, is this desire within me of You or my flesh?
And yet, something stirs when I hear the stories of God putting two people together. The difference is that in my culture, two people come together in love and feelings, but in other cultures, two people come together with commitment.
I want that.
Is it practical? So not!
But the idea of choosing someone, or of being chosen and choosing back, and then basing the future on a commitment that will not fall into divorce because there is nothing to "fall out of," the idea of working through differences without the backdoor that you would have in dating--no, you get to work it out knowing that this is who you are meant to be with--that is supremely attractive to me.
I suppose all that (commitment, choosing, working through differences) happens in marriage no matter what relationship you have had to get you there. But there is a reason why arranged marriage cultures have a lower divorce rate. And the perfection of feelings and circumstances that we require of single people today before they can commit to marriage is fantastically also unreasonable.
A girl tonight shared that in Russian Christian culture, the guy prays about who God wants him to marry, hears from God, goes and proposes to the girl, the girl prays, and then they marry. No dating. No wondering if they married the wrong person, because God showed them.
Oh, Lord God.
I do not understand why He works differently in this culture. If He does work differently. I do not know why I am part of a FB group of some 400 conservative Christians who are unmarried and yet (most) want marriage. I do not know how to balance the stymie inherent in my American early 21st century culture with the sovereignty of God in individual lives.
But there seems to be something wrong in this culture that is preventing what seems more doable in other cultures or in other centuries.
I want to be part of whatever that is in other places and times that makes this thing of getting to marriage less impossible and more natural. Is it supposed to be this ridiculously hard for so many my age and older?
And at what point would I be willing to lay aside my culture and all my fears for the sake of "marriage"?
And what does God's wisdom say?
Meanwhile, school is back in session tomorrow for one more week. We got a new washer and dryer after using the neighbor's for, what?, 3 weeks? And Christmas is a-comin' and I already have been using my recently-purchased-from-Hobby-Lobby wrapping paper! (granted, for non-Christmas presents. Ah well.)
I think I can still say I am content with single life. I don't think I'm discontent. But content does not mean sit back and do nothing, now does it?
Wednesday, December 28, 2016
185: the illusion of nearsightedness
In prep for New Years, I got out my old journals. Last year's entry wasn't interesting (except for the part where I started falling asleep and wrote nonsense), so I began reading other entries and other journals. I found a few entries in one book where I was gushing about a guy. Like, really gushing.
It was rather nauseating. You know why? Because I am no longer interested in him. At all.
But at that time, all I knew was there stood a tiny doorway into a beautiful garden. All I knew was that I couldn't get in there.
I know that I don't see the whole picture, the future. But still, like Alice, I fixate on something (someone) I want and believe that it (a relationship with said someone) would be amazing. Part of that is hope. Part of that is complete nearsightedness.
Of course, despite my nearsightedness, I do know a few things about him and a potential "us", some gathered from direct observation, some from generalizations based on observation. Combine that knowledge with my flittering emotions (which are part chemistry, part natural-born desire for there to be something more), and BAM! *creeeeak* my scope swivels to the target and focuses in, because, as I said, I'm pretty sure this would be amazing if I could only have the chance to pass through the narrow passageway and through the door.
I actually think it's fine that our vision is based in hope and nearsightedness. If we waited to act until we had full knowledge and understanding, nothing would ever happen. Perhaps we often haven't acted enough even. Rebellions are built on hope, after all. Rogue One reference there.
But, facts being facts, we must concede that besides the few character traits we've observed, besides the flutter of emotions, we don't know much else. Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen--that has nothing to do with faith in a potential relationship. There is no virtue to holding on to an imagined amazing relationship by faith. We can pray and crack twigs and make ourselves available, but when it doesn't happen, we really had no idea if we were pursuing a lovely garden or, alternatively, a land filled with queens chopping off heads and slowly vanishing Cheshire cats (and I'm not saying the guy was a closet jerk--I'm saying we don't know what is best for him or for us). Our faith and hope and longing is not for the unseen future husband. It is for the only One who can see the end from the beginning (Is. 46:10), and who gives good gifts to His children (Mt. 7:11).
It was rather nauseating. You know why? Because I am no longer interested in him. At all.
But at that time, all I knew was there stood a tiny doorway into a beautiful garden. All I knew was that I couldn't get in there.
"Alice opened the door and found that it led into a small passage, not much larger than a rat-hole: she knelt down and looked along the passage into the loveliest garden you ever saw. How she longed to get out of that dark hall, and wander about among those beds of bright flowers and those cool fountains, but she could not even get her head through the doorway" -Alice's Adventures in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll
I know that I don't see the whole picture, the future. But still, like Alice, I fixate on something (someone) I want and believe that it (a relationship with said someone) would be amazing. Part of that is hope. Part of that is complete nearsightedness.
Of course, despite my nearsightedness, I do know a few things about him and a potential "us", some gathered from direct observation, some from generalizations based on observation. Combine that knowledge with my flittering emotions (which are part chemistry, part natural-born desire for there to be something more), and BAM! *creeeeak* my scope swivels to the target and focuses in, because, as I said, I'm pretty sure this would be amazing if I could only have the chance to pass through the narrow passageway and through the door.
I actually think it's fine that our vision is based in hope and nearsightedness. If we waited to act until we had full knowledge and understanding, nothing would ever happen. Perhaps we often haven't acted enough even. Rebellions are built on hope, after all. Rogue One reference there.
But, facts being facts, we must concede that besides the few character traits we've observed, besides the flutter of emotions, we don't know much else. Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen--that has nothing to do with faith in a potential relationship. There is no virtue to holding on to an imagined amazing relationship by faith. We can pray and crack twigs and make ourselves available, but when it doesn't happen, we really had no idea if we were pursuing a lovely garden or, alternatively, a land filled with queens chopping off heads and slowly vanishing Cheshire cats (and I'm not saying the guy was a closet jerk--I'm saying we don't know what is best for him or for us). Our faith and hope and longing is not for the unseen future husband. It is for the only One who can see the end from the beginning (Is. 46:10), and who gives good gifts to His children (Mt. 7:11).
Friday, February 6, 2015
138: break-up paralysis
I wanted to message him. I wanted to ask his advice about
something.
But we hadn't spoken for 4 days now (yes, I was counting),
and if we could manage not to message each other, then the break would be
definite, the confusion would ebb, the pain wouldn't reconvene.
That's always the hardest part for me: termination of
contact. I get into the habit of having someone to talk to. I build a
relationship. To make that constant interchange end, not naturally but by force,
is, well, sometimes impossible for me. At the very least painful and difficult.
You know, miserable.
So sometimes I don't. I drag it on, talking to the person
I should take a vow of silence for. I prolong the pain, postpone the
inevitable, invite disaster into my life.
Or the Lord teaching you to submit to wisdom so the fruit of self-control can grow stronger in your life and thus serve you in all areas of life for the rest of your life.
Friday, August 22, 2014
106: the star you can almost touch
Some days one's dream feels so close to becoming reality you feel like you could reach out and touch it. No reason for it. No evidence. Just an irrational hope. Irrational, unreasonable, full of fancy and wind and sprightly wisps of cloud. And yet, what is the worth of dreaming without a little hopeless hope?
You know, the Bible has some wonderful things to say about hope. I love the passage in Romans 4 about God and Abraham.
". . . God, who gives life to the dead and calls those things which do not exist as though they did; [Abraham] who, contrary to hope, in hope believed, so that he became the father of many nations . . . He did not waver at the promise of God through unbelief, but was strengthened in faith, giving glory to God, and being fully convinced that what He had promised He was also able to perform." (Romans 4:17-21)
I don't have a promise from God, just a desire. But sometimes it seems right edifying to, contrary to hope, in hope believe, and entrust the impossible to Him who is in my future right now.
You know, the Bible has some wonderful things to say about hope. I love the passage in Romans 4 about God and Abraham.
". . . God, who gives life to the dead and calls those things which do not exist as though they did; [Abraham] who, contrary to hope, in hope believed, so that he became the father of many nations . . . He did not waver at the promise of God through unbelief, but was strengthened in faith, giving glory to God, and being fully convinced that what He had promised He was also able to perform." (Romans 4:17-21)
I don't have a promise from God, just a desire. But sometimes it seems right edifying to, contrary to hope, in hope believe, and entrust the impossible to Him who is in my future right now.
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| Tuesday's back to school art project |
Saturday, August 2, 2014
100: advocate
There is something deliciously incognito about writing a post and not posting it on Facebook for a change.
See, ever since I went to the Homeschool Alumni Reunion, I've both gained a new readership and discovered that girls are reading my blog who I didn't know were.
Which brings with it a level of responsibility. I thought only about two people read my musings. And musings they are. Thoughts and formulations of thoughts.
One fellow read one of my posts and said, "you poor thing, you really need to meet someone already haha."
Slightly embarrassing!
But see, I've been reading this book Getting Serious about Getting Married, and it has clarified what I think I've already known. I want to be an advocate for marriage, and specifically in this time of my life, advocating young people pursuing marriage.
Funny, because if marriage inched my way I think I might freak!
Debbie Maken has so many good things to say in her book about the Bible and culture and generations past and Christianity past and Christianity present.
I can't rewrite what Debbie Maken wrote. You're just going to have to read it yourself.
But if I write too much about desiring marriage . . . I don't know. How can I apologize? Is it shameful to desire what God saw as the completion of the creation process?
Desires can be out of balance, true. And a blog devoted to this subject will look out of balance for sure. But I feel like someone needs to say what we're all thinking.
"The reason we feel a lack of wholeness is because God designed us to feel incomplete without a spouse. God himself called the state of singleness 'not good.' By being dissatisfied with singleness, we're simply agreeing with God!" --Debbie Maken, Getting Serious about Getting Married, p.24 (Isn't she bold??)
See, ever since I went to the Homeschool Alumni Reunion, I've both gained a new readership and discovered that girls are reading my blog who I didn't know were.
Which brings with it a level of responsibility. I thought only about two people read my musings. And musings they are. Thoughts and formulations of thoughts.
One fellow read one of my posts and said, "you poor thing, you really need to meet someone already haha."
Slightly embarrassing!
But see, I've been reading this book Getting Serious about Getting Married, and it has clarified what I think I've already known. I want to be an advocate for marriage, and specifically in this time of my life, advocating young people pursuing marriage.
Funny, because if marriage inched my way I think I might freak!
Debbie Maken has so many good things to say in her book about the Bible and culture and generations past and Christianity past and Christianity present.
"My goal in writing this book is to resurrect this duty as found in Christian antiquity. Duties inform us of what is expected and affix our responsibilities. Thus duties also affix blame when they are spurned or grossly neglected. If the duty is once again touted with the same force as that expressed in classical Christianity, then those who are in a position to execute it (i.e., the men) are more likely than not to follow through. Instead of taking this duty to marry at a specific time as a personal affront and reminder of failure, let's embrace it and ask for a return to a Christian worldview that believed in this duty to marry and held responsible those who failed to execute it. The older order of things held far more promise for women, for it saw women as vulnerable, had compassion for them, and shamed men who abandoned their duty of timely marriage." (page 50)I have no desire to shame men anymore than I have a desire to shame women. But I do have this deep rooted desire to join Debbie Maken in resurrecting marriage as an expectation in the church, something to be encouraged beyond "Is there someone...? No? Well, just wait on the Lord." I always blush but am thankful when older women say they'll pray that God brings me someone! God did not design us to wait indefinitely for marriage. Nor did He ask us to. He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.
I can't rewrite what Debbie Maken wrote. You're just going to have to read it yourself.
But if I write too much about desiring marriage . . . I don't know. How can I apologize? Is it shameful to desire what God saw as the completion of the creation process?
Desires can be out of balance, true. And a blog devoted to this subject will look out of balance for sure. But I feel like someone needs to say what we're all thinking.
"The reason we feel a lack of wholeness is because God designed us to feel incomplete without a spouse. God himself called the state of singleness 'not good.' By being dissatisfied with singleness, we're simply agreeing with God!" --Debbie Maken, Getting Serious about Getting Married, p.24 (Isn't she bold??)
Monday, July 28, 2014
99: proactive or waiting or remembering the big picture of hearing God's voice
On the Kindle app on my phone, I've been reading Kevin DeYoung's Just Do Something, alternative title being "How to make a decision without dreams, visions, fleeces, impressions, open doors, random Bible verses, casting lots, liver shivers, writing in the sky, etc."
I just got in the mail Debbie Maken's Getting Serious about Getting Married.
I've also been contemplating arranged marriage a lot lately.
Notice a theme?
Despite all the proactive stuff I've read (including The Surrendered Single by Laura Doyle and Get Married by Candace Watters), there is a part of me that still knows that God is in control. I don't know how much is my responsibility and how much is His. I tend to think my generation has been far too mystical and lackadaisical about marriage. I know I'm probably too picky for my own good (tho, as I like to say, how can I be picky when I haven't had that many guys to refuse?). But I also know that God has done good things in my life these unplanned single years of my 20's, whether it is because He planned them or because He works all things out for good.
It took til 26 to bring me to a point where I really had to grapple with my singleness. I always had, but this was different. It was more dealing with unfairness and whether God knew best and why He would withhold something good from me. It began a time of figuring out who I am standing on my own two feet without continuing to hold out for a husband and family to define me. I questioned how hard you should work to be caught and how much God cares about the explicit details of possible suitors (does he just want you to get married and not get hung up over different convictions). It began a time of reconciling myself to the possibility of not getting married. And living without that hope. Seeing that my life didn't have that definite end and changing my course accordingly. And yet not letting go of hope.
I guess God is still God and life is about His kingdom and you still have to have a close relationship with Him and hear His voice whether you proactively pursue marriage, whether you acquiesce to an arranged marriage situation (caring more about character than falling in love), or whether you are still waiting on God to bring it to pass.
Thursday, July 17, 2014
98: admitting interest
"So I talked to this guy for three hours last night. But I'm not interested in him or anything!"
Why is it a virtue to not be interested in someone?
Have you noticed that?
Now to clarify, I'm not talking about teenage crushes that serve no purpose. And I totally understand not wanting to share personal feelings because of their sacredness or wisely being discreet in who you share your feelings with.
Sometimes though I feel like I need to qualify to protect my own hide. No! I don't like him! It's okay. Nothing's happening.
Then sneaking another peek at his profile photo when no one's looking.
But isn't that what we want? How God designed us? For us to like someone and for something to happen?
Maybe that's why I've become less reserved in admitting at times, yes, I'm crushing right now. I would love something to happen. It probably won't. But I'm not ashamed of my choice--he's a good guy. And I'm ready for marriage! There's a purpose in my crushing.
I haven't quite gotten to the point of letting older friends set me up with strangers. I still laugh nervously and roll my eyes. Don't want to be desperate or anything!
"Dishonoring your desire to get married is a way of protecting yourself from disappointment . . . . Saying that you don't want what you want is not helpful."
Why is it a virtue to not be interested in someone?
Have you noticed that?
Now to clarify, I'm not talking about teenage crushes that serve no purpose. And I totally understand not wanting to share personal feelings because of their sacredness or wisely being discreet in who you share your feelings with.
Sometimes though I feel like I need to qualify to protect my own hide. No! I don't like him! It's okay. Nothing's happening.
Then sneaking another peek at his profile photo when no one's looking.
But isn't that what we want? How God designed us? For us to like someone and for something to happen?
Maybe that's why I've become less reserved in admitting at times, yes, I'm crushing right now. I would love something to happen. It probably won't. But I'm not ashamed of my choice--he's a good guy. And I'm ready for marriage! There's a purpose in my crushing.
I haven't quite gotten to the point of letting older friends set me up with strangers. I still laugh nervously and roll my eyes. Don't want to be desperate or anything!
"Dishonoring your desire to get married is a way of protecting yourself from disappointment . . . . Saying that you don't want what you want is not helpful."
--Laura Doyle, The Surrendered Single
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
97: the trickiness of talking
I recently went to the Homeschool Alumni National Reunion in Oregon. For the last week or so since it ended, Facebook has been alive with friend requests, new photo albums, comments, likes, and instant messages. Crazy socialization frenzy!
The question used to be can you be "just friends" with a guy.
The question for me now is can you have instant message conversations with a guy on Facebook without leading him on and him thinking you like him?
I mean, I just minimized three instant message conversations I'm in the middle of with three guys that I'm not interested in!
I don't know. I wish I had someone to ask.
Would my future husband be bothered that I discussed favorite music with one and offered a virtual cookie to another over instant messenger on Facebook? And enjoyed doing so?
Am I willing to forego virtual male company even if it means I suffer that horrid alone feeling I know so well?
What does God think?
I don't want to be bound by extrabiblical rules. I do want to be wise and live rightly. I don't want to threaten my future husband. I don't want to be careless with others' feelings.
Lord, grant me wisdom.
(Maybe I'll find someone with brothers who will get their input for me!)
The question used to be can you be "just friends" with a guy.
The question for me now is can you have instant message conversations with a guy on Facebook without leading him on and him thinking you like him?
I mean, I just minimized three instant message conversations I'm in the middle of with three guys that I'm not interested in!
I don't know. I wish I had someone to ask.
Would my future husband be bothered that I discussed favorite music with one and offered a virtual cookie to another over instant messenger on Facebook? And enjoyed doing so?
Am I willing to forego virtual male company even if it means I suffer that horrid alone feeling I know so well?
What does God think?
I don't want to be bound by extrabiblical rules. I do want to be wise and live rightly. I don't want to threaten my future husband. I don't want to be careless with others' feelings.
Lord, grant me wisdom.
(Maybe I'll find someone with brothers who will get their input for me!)
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| me at the reunion talking about church with two edited-faceless-for-privacy guys as we wait for the talent show to start |
Thursday, June 12, 2014
92: opposites attract?
Tonight I sat on a grassy knoll in the warm, but breezy, shade, watching an ultimate frisbee game that I wanted to join, but since I can barely catch or throw a frisbee, I just couldn't bring myself to go do the whole act-like-I'm-playing-when-really-I'm-just-running-around-on-the-field thing.
There were three teams so they rotated out. And in one of the teams was a very cute couple.
I know the guy a very little. The girl came up and introduced herself.
I am quite thankful I refrained from saying what was going through my head: I know who you are. I've stalked you on Facebook. You're with so-and-so, right?
So thankful.
She was all girl. Petite, wearing a cute bright pink shirt, not playing much when she was on the field. He was all boy. Tanned, sweating, putting his all into the game.
I watched them interact when they weren't playing (call it reality TV...without the cameras). They made each other laugh. He'd grab her hand and they'd walk down the hill together and then they'd let go and race the rest of the way.
So cute.
And, once again, I am baffled. Ok, I understand why girls like guys. Because they're GUYS! But why oh why would a guy like a girl? We're nothing like them. We put demands on their time. We aren't their buddies that do all that guy stuff with them. And sometimes, we're silly.
And then, how on earth do two people fall in love?
The verse in Proverbs 30 came back as oh so true:
Hear ye, hear ye! This, indeed, is a mystery!
One of God's mysterious planned ironies.
There were three teams so they rotated out. And in one of the teams was a very cute couple.
I know the guy a very little. The girl came up and introduced herself.
I am quite thankful I refrained from saying what was going through my head: I know who you are. I've stalked you on Facebook. You're with so-and-so, right?
So thankful.
She was all girl. Petite, wearing a cute bright pink shirt, not playing much when she was on the field. He was all boy. Tanned, sweating, putting his all into the game.
I watched them interact when they weren't playing (call it reality TV...without the cameras). They made each other laugh. He'd grab her hand and they'd walk down the hill together and then they'd let go and race the rest of the way.
So cute.
And, once again, I am baffled. Ok, I understand why girls like guys. Because they're GUYS! But why oh why would a guy like a girl? We're nothing like them. We put demands on their time. We aren't their buddies that do all that guy stuff with them. And sometimes, we're silly.
And then, how on earth do two people fall in love?
The verse in Proverbs 30 came back as oh so true:
There are three things which are too wonderful for me,
Yes, four which I do not understand:
. . . [T]he way of a man with a virgin.
Hear ye, hear ye! This, indeed, is a mystery!
One of God's mysterious planned ironies.
Saturday, March 22, 2014
80: as life turns
I look around my room. It's a wreck. I'm sure all girls my age are supposed to be perfect housekeepers to prove what wonderful homemakers we would be if only "he" would notice, but I have found that all of my friends are horrid at neatness. Oh wait, they're all single too.
Anyway, part of the reason for the tornado-esque atmosphere in here is because next weekend I'm moving. Moving out of my single-girls house of 5 months and back home with my parents.
I've gotten rather fond of living on my own (with two other girls). It was so easy to move from home to on my own, and I got used to it rather fast. Now moving back home seems like the hard thing to do. But we ran out of housemates to split the rent after one of us headed to Ireland, and so we're all going our own ways. I was home last night looking at my room, deciding whether to repaint, pulling down curtains that I never was particularly fond of anyway, weeding out more books, and figuring out if I could fit my new second-hand desk and overstuffed chair in there. My parents are offering to bend over backward to make the transition a good one.
All my online dating subscriptions have ended as well, though I keep getting e-mails about sales. The 70% off sales only apply if you want to buy a whole year's subscription, and I'm not ready to fling myself into it with all my heart.
The process of the last couple years of trying to figure out who I am so that I could personally know myself truly and then portray myself accurately online has brought me to an interesting conclusion. Namely, I am full of sin. If I only want to be the "real me" I will fall further into sin and my tastes will conform to that. And so, it is all right to put on Christ and want to be a better person than I naturally am.
In other news (or is it the same?), I started working on my NaNoWriMo 2012 book again. It's a fiction book about an idealist homeschool girl who discovers that faith and love don't come that easy when life doesn't go according to plan. (Am I the only one learning how to deal with life not going according to plan? And I don't just mean romance.)
The epilogue/last chapter has a couple sentences that I want to remember now, before I finish writing the rest:
Anyway, part of the reason for the tornado-esque atmosphere in here is because next weekend I'm moving. Moving out of my single-girls house of 5 months and back home with my parents.
I've gotten rather fond of living on my own (with two other girls). It was so easy to move from home to on my own, and I got used to it rather fast. Now moving back home seems like the hard thing to do. But we ran out of housemates to split the rent after one of us headed to Ireland, and so we're all going our own ways. I was home last night looking at my room, deciding whether to repaint, pulling down curtains that I never was particularly fond of anyway, weeding out more books, and figuring out if I could fit my new second-hand desk and overstuffed chair in there. My parents are offering to bend over backward to make the transition a good one.
All my online dating subscriptions have ended as well, though I keep getting e-mails about sales. The 70% off sales only apply if you want to buy a whole year's subscription, and I'm not ready to fling myself into it with all my heart.
The process of the last couple years of trying to figure out who I am so that I could personally know myself truly and then portray myself accurately online has brought me to an interesting conclusion. Namely, I am full of sin. If I only want to be the "real me" I will fall further into sin and my tastes will conform to that. And so, it is all right to put on Christ and want to be a better person than I naturally am.
In other news (or is it the same?), I started working on my NaNoWriMo 2012 book again. It's a fiction book about an idealist homeschool girl who discovers that faith and love don't come that easy when life doesn't go according to plan. (Am I the only one learning how to deal with life not going according to plan? And I don't just mean romance.)
The epilogue/last chapter has a couple sentences that I want to remember now, before I finish writing the rest:
Except
for characters in books and movies, most girls wander through life completely
unaware of who they are going to end up with or how it’s going to work out or
even if they are going to get to be married at all. The only one who sees the
obvious thread intertwining throughout the two lives is He who already sees the
end from the beginning.
Like an author, God sees the obvious thread going from beginning to end. It takes a huge amount of faith to walk blindly through life trusting Him to bring about whatever He has planned and trusting that what He does is good. But it looks better on the other side if we do walk it out.
Chau,
LadyM and her own set of distractions
Thursday, December 12, 2013
71: more on our favorite topic
Before my friend was engaged (yes, it does still happen...to people like us even), she ruminated that filtering through prospects had less to do with finding the right guy and more to do with choosing what life you wanted to have. One wasn't worse than another. She could equally enjoy a hippie wedding or a traditional one. But when you say "I do," you narrow your options to one life. That is okay. It just means you don't have to wrack your brain anymore figuring out what you want--you want to be happy with your husband.
Today I visited the Bass Pro store for the first time. It is like toyland for men! Mounted mountain goats and deer and wolves and who-knows-what are everywhere, climbing the walls, decorating the stairs. Live fish swim in a real pond in the middle of the store with manikins in waders fly-fishing among them. Two stories of camouflage for men, women, and children surround you (including camo onesies and camo lingerie--I kid you not).
And I thought, this is so cool.
I could marry a guy that liked this kind of stuff.
Prospects.
The guy who works in finance, lives in the state capital, and enjoys concerts and theatre.
The guy who wants to spend his honeymoon backpacking Europe.
The guy who wants to be an Assemblies of God missionary.
(Did I mention I joined Christian Mingle for one more month?)
Different guys, different lives.
Door One, Two, and Three. Which life will be the one for me?
Camo lingerie with an arsenal of weapons under the bed or high heels and red lipstick for the latest Broadway show?
Tho I'll admit, there's a fine line between cool camo and redneck camo.
And I'm really not a red pumps and lipstick kind of girl either.
But as I'm learning, it's not about the list. It is about loving an in-the-flesh guy and wanting to spend the rest of your life with him. Right? Right.
*sits at computer and stares at screen*
Today I visited the Bass Pro store for the first time. It is like toyland for men! Mounted mountain goats and deer and wolves and who-knows-what are everywhere, climbing the walls, decorating the stairs. Live fish swim in a real pond in the middle of the store with manikins in waders fly-fishing among them. Two stories of camouflage for men, women, and children surround you (including camo onesies and camo lingerie--I kid you not).
And I thought, this is so cool.
I could marry a guy that liked this kind of stuff.
Prospects.
The guy who works in finance, lives in the state capital, and enjoys concerts and theatre.
The guy who wants to spend his honeymoon backpacking Europe.
The guy who wants to be an Assemblies of God missionary.
(Did I mention I joined Christian Mingle for one more month?)
Different guys, different lives.
Door One, Two, and Three. Which life will be the one for me?
Camo lingerie with an arsenal of weapons under the bed or high heels and red lipstick for the latest Broadway show?
Tho I'll admit, there's a fine line between cool camo and redneck camo.
And I'm really not a red pumps and lipstick kind of girl either.
But as I'm learning, it's not about the list. It is about loving an in-the-flesh guy and wanting to spend the rest of your life with him. Right? Right.
*sits at computer and stares at screen*
Friday, November 22, 2013
67: my turning point
Maybe the turning point is when you can (after a decade of not being able to) pick up and move on. When the strong wave of infatuation sweeps over you and, after a couple days of recovering from the tsunami, you can continue on with the crush as part of last week's history instead of today's trauma.
Maybe it's when God hands you this thing called life and you finally, FINALLY, accept, with reluctance--but it grows on you--that whole cliché that life is now not sometime down the road. When you harness your hope as a tool to become the person you want to be now instead of sincerely believing you'll be that person once you have another person by your side.
It's not about giving up hope or losing the I-like-this-guy-and-can't-believe-I-finally-have-someone-to-like moments or leaving behind the depressing and-now-there-is-no-one-to-like-and-no-one-likes-me times or never again sitting in front of the computer and living vicariously through a Christmas Hallmark movie (because, personally, sometimes that's the best kind of therapy).
Maybe it's when you more often realize that the reason you are obsessing over this deeply held desire is because you haven't had any quality God time in the last three days, and that if you just spent some quality time with your Sustainer you wouldn't feel so desperate and thirsty and hungry and crazy in need of attention from a boy right now.
Thankful for the turning point. Thankful that I can still want to be a wife and mother.
Maybe it's when God hands you this thing called life and you finally, FINALLY, accept, with reluctance--but it grows on you--that whole cliché that life is now not sometime down the road. When you harness your hope as a tool to become the person you want to be now instead of sincerely believing you'll be that person once you have another person by your side.
It's not about giving up hope or losing the I-like-this-guy-and-can't-believe-I-finally-have-someone-to-like moments or leaving behind the depressing and-now-there-is-no-one-to-like-and-no-one-likes-me times or never again sitting in front of the computer and living vicariously through a Christmas Hallmark movie (because, personally, sometimes that's the best kind of therapy).
Maybe it's when you more often realize that the reason you are obsessing over this deeply held desire is because you haven't had any quality God time in the last three days, and that if you just spent some quality time with your Sustainer you wouldn't feel so desperate and thirsty and hungry and crazy in need of attention from a boy right now.
Thankful for the turning point. Thankful that I can still want to be a wife and mother.
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
66: reacting to the love birds
Reactions. My reactions.
Teenage couple standing in the street after dark clinging to each other while I give them a look that says, "Do you WANT to be run over? Good grief!"
Early 20s girl laughing and screaming as she runs away flirtatiously from her late 20s boyfriend as I think, "Oh my word, you are flirting so LOUDLY."
If I am so pro-marriage why do I think this way? Aren't boys and girls supposed to be attracted to each other, flirt, fall in love, and marry? Why am I still rolling my eyes?
No. 1: I'm well aware that not all that glitters is gold. How many flirtations actually end in marriage? How many romances actually make it to the altar?
No. 2: I'm still unconsciously affected by the well-imbedded "why not me" syndrome that plagues every girl from 13 years old (or younger) onward!
No. 3: Flirting is bad because flirting is defrauding and putting yourself forward and generally making a fool of yourself, right? I haven't yet learned the appropriate place--and there is an appropriate place--for flirting in the progress of a relationship.
Skepticism, envy, and shrinking away from bold public displays of inner emotions (or, in my cynicism, "hormones").
Will I ever become one of those women who look on young, "in love" couples and say, "Aren't they so cute?"
*insert raised eyebrow, twisted mouth, and questioning eyes*
Don't know!
Go get a marriage license!
Teenage couple standing in the street after dark clinging to each other while I give them a look that says, "Do you WANT to be run over? Good grief!"
Early 20s girl laughing and screaming as she runs away flirtatiously from her late 20s boyfriend as I think, "Oh my word, you are flirting so LOUDLY."
If I am so pro-marriage why do I think this way? Aren't boys and girls supposed to be attracted to each other, flirt, fall in love, and marry? Why am I still rolling my eyes?
No. 1: I'm well aware that not all that glitters is gold. How many flirtations actually end in marriage? How many romances actually make it to the altar?
No. 2: I'm still unconsciously affected by the well-imbedded "why not me" syndrome that plagues every girl from 13 years old (or younger) onward!
No. 3: Flirting is bad because flirting is defrauding and putting yourself forward and generally making a fool of yourself, right? I haven't yet learned the appropriate place--and there is an appropriate place--for flirting in the progress of a relationship.
Skepticism, envy, and shrinking away from bold public displays of inner emotions (or, in my cynicism, "hormones").
Will I ever become one of those women who look on young, "in love" couples and say, "Aren't they so cute?"
*insert raised eyebrow, twisted mouth, and questioning eyes*
Don't know!
Go get a marriage license!
Saturday, November 16, 2013
64: one-hundred percent
When you are passionate about something, it is easy to drift out of the realm of moderation. It is easy to so over emphasize that good that you seem to take away weight from equal or greater goods.
I am passionate about marriage. I'm not sure why I am passionate about marriage. But I do know that God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16). And I know that homosexuality is a vile passion that is against nature (Romans 1:26). I know that marriage is honorable and the marriage bed undefiled. But I know that fornicators and adulterers God will judge (Hebrews 13:1). I know that marriage is a picture of Christ's relationship with the church (Ephesians 5:22-33). And I know that God said it wasn't good that man should be alone (Genesis 2:18). Finally, I know that "He who finds a wife finds a good thing, And obtains favor from the LORD" (Proverbs 18:22).
So although I may sometimes sound of balance, and sometimes I need people to say, stop, wait, don't forget the overarching truth that God is our all in all and that you are complete in Him (and it is most definitely true that He is enough), I also know that, when taken in conjunction with every other truth in God's Word, God's design of one man, one woman for life is still worthy of being valued and upheld.
And that is why I think it is okay to quote Crawford Loritts' somewhat radical statement on a recent Family Life Today broadcast:
I am passionate about marriage. I'm not sure why I am passionate about marriage. But I do know that God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16). And I know that homosexuality is a vile passion that is against nature (Romans 1:26). I know that marriage is honorable and the marriage bed undefiled. But I know that fornicators and adulterers God will judge (Hebrews 13:1). I know that marriage is a picture of Christ's relationship with the church (Ephesians 5:22-33). And I know that God said it wasn't good that man should be alone (Genesis 2:18). Finally, I know that "He who finds a wife finds a good thing, And obtains favor from the LORD" (Proverbs 18:22).
So although I may sometimes sound of balance, and sometimes I need people to say, stop, wait, don't forget the overarching truth that God is our all in all and that you are complete in Him (and it is most definitely true that He is enough), I also know that, when taken in conjunction with every other truth in God's Word, God's design of one man, one woman for life is still worthy of being valued and upheld.
And that is why I think it is okay to quote Crawford Loritts' somewhat radical statement on a recent Family Life Today broadcast:
"God created Adam with an unmet need. Adam was alone. And, by the way, this is prior to the fall--obvious observation. So, neediness is not a sinful disposition. Neediness is not something that came along later on, because we were sinfully inclined, and it's part of the fall. No, God created--and this is a profound statement--prior to the fall of man, God created, in all of us, an unmet need. To be needy in this regard is extraordinarily healthy."
Put this quote in the balance with the revelation of God's sufficiency in your life. Uphold both truths 100 percent.
Saturday, August 31, 2013
58: of girl friends and hidden, long-held dreams
Girl friends are amazing, aren't they? My birthday was last weekend, the first week of school just ended, and I have been surrounded by quality, loving girl friends, and I thank God so much for them. I used to be a rather lonely girl. And sometimes I still have bouts of loneliness, like when I'm hormonal and it's late at night and everyone in the house is busy or gone to bed and I'm left alone with my neglectful dog (she's only neglectful when she wishes me to turn off the light and go to sleep like her). But now God has brought me into a season of bounty. I don't have just one friend far off. And I don't have to say that all my friends are on Facebook, like I did tell someone, quite seriously, rather emotionally, one eve several months ago. God has given me friends right here, local friends. Who doesn't pine for local friends? They might move away or move on sometime in the near future, I don't know, but I have them now, they are a blessing from God, and I'm thankful, so thankful.
Meanwhile, I want to blog for a second about the dream.
I've held onto the dream so long that lately I've wondered if I'm really ready for it to become reality.
I suppose I've thought that thought often throughout the years, but the farther into my lifespan I get, the looser I have to hold onto the dream out of necessity. I have to hold it with one hand while swimming forward into other channels with the other. And sometimes I have to use the hand clasped over the dream to swim too so that I am propelling forward with my "career," fully enjoying the current, knowing I'm in the middle of God's will, as they say, and yet my dream is right there with me, part of me as I go this way and that. But it's hidden inside my palm, stubby fingers wrapped over it. Like Tinker Bell almost, clasped inside so you can't see the light and glitter.
I start to wonder if I opened my hand, if the dream became reality, if it would be light and glitter. Or if the dream has lost all its glow because of the delay, because of the exposure to other elements, other joys, other dreams.
When God opens my hand and lets the dream out into bright of day, will I really be ready to enter that season of life? Will I find marriage and homeschooling all that I ever wanted? Will my new desires and pleasures--found out of the necessity to live with hope deferred--keep me from fully entering in and appreciating what I thought I always wanted?
I say this is all I've ever wanted to be, wife and mother.
Is it still?
~*~
Meanwhile, I want to blog for a second about the dream.
I've held onto the dream so long that lately I've wondered if I'm really ready for it to become reality.
I suppose I've thought that thought often throughout the years, but the farther into my lifespan I get, the looser I have to hold onto the dream out of necessity. I have to hold it with one hand while swimming forward into other channels with the other. And sometimes I have to use the hand clasped over the dream to swim too so that I am propelling forward with my "career," fully enjoying the current, knowing I'm in the middle of God's will, as they say, and yet my dream is right there with me, part of me as I go this way and that. But it's hidden inside my palm, stubby fingers wrapped over it. Like Tinker Bell almost, clasped inside so you can't see the light and glitter.
I start to wonder if I opened my hand, if the dream became reality, if it would be light and glitter. Or if the dream has lost all its glow because of the delay, because of the exposure to other elements, other joys, other dreams.
When God opens my hand and lets the dream out into bright of day, will I really be ready to enter that season of life? Will I find marriage and homeschooling all that I ever wanted? Will my new desires and pleasures--found out of the necessity to live with hope deferred--keep me from fully entering in and appreciating what I thought I always wanted?
I say this is all I've ever wanted to be, wife and mother.
Is it still?
Saturday, August 24, 2013
57: in the midst of busyness
I'm a teacher, and the year starts Monday. A week and a half ago, all the teachers returned to the small Christian school in the middle of nowhere. I was so busy getting my room ready, going to meetings, and juggling a million ideas, that I thought, "A guy? What do I need a guy for? I'm so busy!" And enjoying it too.
Then this last week, maybe Tuesday, I found out that instead of teaching a combo class of 2nd and 3rd graders, I'll also be doing the majority of teaching for 4th grade as well.
I think my world must have tilted a little on its axis.
Despite knowing that this is where God wants me and that He's with me, and I could write a whole post about that, my stress level has gone through the roof the last few days. This last year since I first taught in a classroom, I've largely avoided that miserable sensation that makes you wake up in the morning already overwhelmed. I didn't miss it.
Although my busyness and mental preoccupation has increased ten-fold, I've found myself in the evening hours being struck by a strange acute loneliness. Brief, but strong.
The first couple weeks before school starts has got to be a time of deprivation for fellows who are dating/married to teachers. We obsess out of necessity, because if we didn't, it wouldn't get done.
But even though I wouldn't be able to spend any time with a fellow if I had one right now, and even though he would be a distraction, and maybe that would even add to my stress, I sure wouldn't mind having a husband to lean on emotionally when I want to cry and say I can't do this. I can't teach three grades at once, even though I've been blessed with an aide.
It is not good for man to be alone. I will make an helpmeet fit for him.
I'm leaning on God, and He is holding me up.
Then this last week, maybe Tuesday, I found out that instead of teaching a combo class of 2nd and 3rd graders, I'll also be doing the majority of teaching for 4th grade as well.
I think my world must have tilted a little on its axis.
Despite knowing that this is where God wants me and that He's with me, and I could write a whole post about that, my stress level has gone through the roof the last few days. This last year since I first taught in a classroom, I've largely avoided that miserable sensation that makes you wake up in the morning already overwhelmed. I didn't miss it.
Although my busyness and mental preoccupation has increased ten-fold, I've found myself in the evening hours being struck by a strange acute loneliness. Brief, but strong.
The first couple weeks before school starts has got to be a time of deprivation for fellows who are dating/married to teachers. We obsess out of necessity, because if we didn't, it wouldn't get done.
But even though I wouldn't be able to spend any time with a fellow if I had one right now, and even though he would be a distraction, and maybe that would even add to my stress, I sure wouldn't mind having a husband to lean on emotionally when I want to cry and say I can't do this. I can't teach three grades at once, even though I've been blessed with an aide.
It is not good for man to be alone. I will make an helpmeet fit for him.
I'm leaning on God, and He is holding me up.
Monday, August 5, 2013
56: I wish I knew you blues
How do you describe an emotional rollercoaster? Turmoil, elation, hope, deflation.
After several days of things-are-looking-up, tonight I'm thinking...
...I don't know.
...Why can't I just meet "the one" and everything fall into place?
...Why can't this be a lot easier?
...At least I have the excitement of school to fall back on.
...At least God has given me school to focus on.
...God is always there. He's what gives my life meaning.
...*sigh*
Y'know how it is.
Insight into myself: I fear the process between unattached singleness and marriage because I have not yet learned how to do the slight commitment but not full comitment, work through things for this relationship but still have a backdoor to jump at any time because it's just temporary, maybe, don't look at other guys because you're in a relationship, do be open to other guys because you're not married yet, relationship maze that so many people pull off and hopefully I will one day too but for now it seems awfully confusing.
After several days of things-are-looking-up, tonight I'm thinking...
...I don't know.
...Why can't I just meet "the one" and everything fall into place?
...Why can't this be a lot easier?
...At least I have the excitement of school to fall back on.
...At least God has given me school to focus on.
...God is always there. He's what gives my life meaning.
...*sigh*
Y'know how it is.
Insight into myself: I fear the process between unattached singleness and marriage because I have not yet learned how to do the slight commitment but not full comitment, work through things for this relationship but still have a backdoor to jump at any time because it's just temporary, maybe, don't look at other guys because you're in a relationship, do be open to other guys because you're not married yet, relationship maze that so many people pull off and hopefully I will one day too but for now it seems awfully confusing.
Why do I write?
Because I like to. :-P
And hopefully someone out there sometime
will come across something here that speaks to her
and encourages her
that she's not the only one.
And maybe she'll learn more about herself
by hearing about this portion of my journey.
55: the relative (un)importance of physical beauty
Last night at church the speaker referenced Isaiah 53:2
When I imagine Jesus (or my future husband, for that matter), I don’t imagine a certain look. I don’t picture his face or his build or his hair color or its length. But I do imagine a certain level of attractiveness. I expect a Hollywood Jesus. Hollywood doesn’t cast unattractive people as their heroes/heroines, and we wouldn’t want them to. We like to look at pretty people. We’re attracted to attractive people.
What if Jesus was not necessarily an attractive person? Is it possible?
What if he had the look of a nerd? What if he had a comb over? What if he pushed up his glasses when he spoke? What if he walked funny?
Maybe He didn’t. But is it possible that, even though Jesus was morally and spiritually perfect, He lived in a sin-riddled physical body that had “no form or comeliness?” And if Jesus had no beauty that we should desire Him, and yet we embrace Him as our love and life, is it possible that my future husband could be less than a handsome physical specimen and yet be a perfectly acceptable, even desirable, lover and life-mate as well?
The thought being, would I have accepted Jesus for His inward qualities despite His physical appearance? And if I accept Jesus, would I accept a human despite his physical appearance?
But I also know that God created us to be attracted to whomever we marry, not repelled.
“He has no form or comeliness; And when we see Him, There is no beauty that we should desire Him.”Last Sunday night another speaker talked a little about Paul, the description of him being a short, hunched over man with a hooked nose. Not the most compelling of physical descriptions. Is it possible that Jesus was also less than physically appealing?
When I imagine Jesus (or my future husband, for that matter), I don’t imagine a certain look. I don’t picture his face or his build or his hair color or its length. But I do imagine a certain level of attractiveness. I expect a Hollywood Jesus. Hollywood doesn’t cast unattractive people as their heroes/heroines, and we wouldn’t want them to. We like to look at pretty people. We’re attracted to attractive people.
What if Jesus was not necessarily an attractive person? Is it possible?
What if he had the look of a nerd? What if he had a comb over? What if he pushed up his glasses when he spoke? What if he walked funny?
Maybe He didn’t. But is it possible that, even though Jesus was morally and spiritually perfect, He lived in a sin-riddled physical body that had “no form or comeliness?” And if Jesus had no beauty that we should desire Him, and yet we embrace Him as our love and life, is it possible that my future husband could be less than a handsome physical specimen and yet be a perfectly acceptable, even desirable, lover and life-mate as well?
The thought being, would I have accepted Jesus for His inward qualities despite His physical appearance? And if I accept Jesus, would I accept a human despite his physical appearance?
But I also know that God created us to be attracted to whomever we marry, not repelled.
Saturday, August 3, 2013
54: the spark that will never turn to flame
You two aren't dating, aren't interested in dating, aren't going there.
And yet.
If you could be interested, you would be interested, but since other factors prevent you from ever seeing a profitable future together, you aren't interested.
But you like to treat the friendship as if there was a spark there.
Because there is.
But there isn't.
Because it can't go anywhere.
You feel the freedom of "it can't go anywhere" and are much freer in your attentions to him than if the danger of dating were around the corner.
It's just the way it works. If you are interested in a guy, but good sense and reason tell you "no," then you treat him unlike any other guy you know. You enjoy him on a level you don't enjoy others. You assume a level of closeness that you never take time to develop. So you can tease him without really knowing him. All because there is that unacknowledged spark.
Oh, and if he likes someone else, you tease him. Tease him a lot. And support the relationship even if a twinge of the green-eyed monster lurks behind.
No moral. Just observation.
And yet.
If you could be interested, you would be interested, but since other factors prevent you from ever seeing a profitable future together, you aren't interested.
But you like to treat the friendship as if there was a spark there.
Because there is.
But there isn't.
Because it can't go anywhere.
You feel the freedom of "it can't go anywhere" and are much freer in your attentions to him than if the danger of dating were around the corner.
It's just the way it works. If you are interested in a guy, but good sense and reason tell you "no," then you treat him unlike any other guy you know. You enjoy him on a level you don't enjoy others. You assume a level of closeness that you never take time to develop. So you can tease him without really knowing him. All because there is that unacknowledged spark.
Oh, and if he likes someone else, you tease him. Tease him a lot. And support the relationship even if a twinge of the green-eyed monster lurks behind.
No moral. Just observation.
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