Monday, February 10, 2014

78: the other side of the equation (just realized how algebraic that figure of speech is....)

I've been so stressed out this weekend. Friday night I tried to tune out school anxiety but the lump in my stomach remained late into the evening. Saturday I slept all day and cried. Yesterday I lesson planned and felt a little better. Today was a day from . . . the unnamed place. I thought maybe Monday would prove that the mountain of Friday, Saturday, and Sunday wasn't as big as imagined, but instead it confirmed it.

They say tomorrow will be better. Just get some sleep. It'll all look better in the morning. I've already experienced that that's not necessarily true.

It is hard to even enjoy being at home, not to mention the weekend, when you have IMPOSSIBILITY scribbled across your chalkboard future.

I am struggling, really struggling, with this whole "I can't do this, Jesus can" thing. I'm not struggling with the concept as much as with the practical application. I know I need to give it over to Jesus, but I forget that the other half of "I can't" is "He can." Because over and over inside me is "I can't do this!" "I don't know how." "I don't want to." "I want to give up." And a thousand nameless emotions swirling like a whirlpool winding downward.

And I completely lose faith.

Because faith requires hope.

And hope requires...hope. Hope that tomorrow will be better. That the second half will be better than the first half. That I'll do better. That they'll do better. That someone will come and fix something.
A tangible hope. A lifeline out there that if I can just catch....

But all of those hopes are man-dependent.

And since currently I've lost almost all hope in man being able to fix my problems, I find I lose faith. Forget to have faith.

Forget that it's not Jesus can because I can.

But just, Jesus can.

Lord, act.

"From the end of the earth I will cry to You,
When my heart is overwhelmed;
Lead me to the rock that is higher than I." (Psalm 61: 2)

"He sent from above, He took me;
He drew me out of many waters.
He also brought me out into a broad place;
He delivered me because He delighted in me." (Psalm 18:16, 19)

"Oh, that You would rend the heavens!
That You would come down!
For since the beginning of the world
Men have not heard nor perceived by the ear,
Nor has the eye seen any God besides You,
Who acts for the one who waits for Him." (Isaiah 64:1, 4)

P.S. I did have one redeeming moment today. I began the day talking about God's standard of love, how much we fall short, how we need Jesus, and how willingly God forgives us. Later in the day when two of my students were particularly having issues, another student came to me humbly and quietly told me he just prayed for them. Yes! Because God can do SO much more than we can do.

Used audiobooks that keep me smiling while driving--
especially dear old Jeeves

These are a few of my favorite things.

Because it's not cool to post pix of your food on FB anymore

Saturday, February 1, 2014

77: regrets

The last couple days I've been watching an Jane Austenesque youtube channel (actually, last night I watched over 50 vids...but it was the weekend!). In between gasping and laughing and awwwing, a recurring commercial keeps popping up every few videos about a soldier's homecoming.

I remember when I was dating a soldier, and he came home on break from Afghanistan. I remember being self-centered and petty from the moment he stepped in the car.

That girl. The girl you look at from afar and think "I can't believe she's acting that way."

I don't ask God to forgive me, because I know He has.

But I wish I could go back in time and redo several things in that relationship. Not so that it would have worked out, but for the sake of doing things right in a relationship with another human being. For the sake of no regrets and not causing pain to a friend.

And I do pray that I have changed. That I have learned.

To Him who can keep you from stumbling

My new window decoration in my bathroom

P.S. If you want some good reading/watching, try Dear Mr. Knightly by Katherine Reay, Amanda by Debra White Smith, Jane Fairfax by Joan Aiken, or the youtube channel "Emma Approved." Admittedly, those all have to do with Emma (except for Dear Mr. Knightly, which really doesn't), but they are all highly enjoyable!