269: the security

I look out over my kids (students) as they take their science standardized test. It is a moment of silence and calm in an otherwise hectic career. Having just taken some moments myself to reconnect spiritually via the last several day's devotionals in God is on the Cross (Dietrich Bonhoeffer), I am ready to  not just see the frustration of trying to educate willful and sometimes ignorant human beings, but now to catch a glimpse of the potential of each individual life that is sitting in these desks before me. Every person here is so unique, with their own interests, looks, desires--futures.

I pray, Lord--may they know You.

Why?

I mean, because that is the way of salvation, obviously. To have their sins covered, washed away, so they do not have to bear the punishment for their own sin.

But also--

That they can have the security that comes with knowing God.

With God, I am never alone.

With God, I have an all-powerful loving Father willing to work on my behalf.

Perhaps most impactful for me in my singleness, with God I have a reason for living, for every moment of my day. I live for a kingdom not of this world. I may not do it well. I may not live it fully. But I have an eternal purpose outside of my temporal circumstances. I do not find meaning only in loving a husband, in showing the world that God's design of marriage is good, in being sanctified as my selfishness is put to the test in living with a man to whom I've pledged my life, body, and heart. That's what we as singles want so badly. But--

Glory be! My life has MEANING and PURPOSE apart from my circumstances. Apart from any and every circumstance. Not just that *I* have value, but that my little life living at home with my parents, teaching at a country school, visiting with my friends, trying to hear God's voice through His Word and prayer--THAT life has meaning and purpose because the whole point of life is not either to endure xyz situations that seem to be the most spiritual OR to be blessed with xyz dreams, but rather in whatever we do, in word or deed, to live all for the glory of God.

Does it sound trite? Yes. But has it the power to change my perspective from despair over a wasted life because I'm not married to hope that God is still God? Yes.

And with that, I can hold my desire for companionship and intimacy and maternal satisfaction and separate it from the value of this single life that keeps slipping by with each birthday that makes me older. I can still want, I can still "need," all those physical things, but I don't have to feel subpar or under my married peers.

And that's simply from knowing the Lord.

So yes, I want my kids to know that they have value, no matter what family situations or future situations they face, simply because they are part of the kingdom of God. They have a Father to whom they are eternally connected, who directs the path of their lives, and who is with them every second, and wants their hearts.

253: my own little corner and a bit of an overview about life

I love my bedroom.

I love the Paris themed mini set of drawers on my desk where I keep my Flair pens and Sharpies. I love the dried rose that I think came from a singles event, though I could be wrong, and the mini Eiffel tower sitting on top. I love my Farmers' Market themed calendar against my aqua colored wall and the typography done by a college friend's sister that says "Beginnings are always messy" sitting on a bright yellow painted piece of plywood with a glittery pineapple ornament from the friend that hosted my Hawaii adventures last year sitting next to it. I love the random pieces of furniture that do not match but are my own style. I love that this year off I was finally able to learn to have a place for everything and put everything back in its place. It took 34 years for that skill to finally find residency in my psyche but here we are.

I love that even though I am living at home and between full time jobs, I feel settled. I feel settled spiritually, emotionally, physically. Not permanently glued, but less shifting sand, less up and down on the turbulent waters. Who knows what tomorrow will bring, right? But there's the blessed stability of having experienced enough of life and God to be a little less caught up by the uncertainty of the future.

The rug might be pulled out from me next week. And I still have so many questions about the future and the present. And I'm not satisfied with everything about how I live my life. But should we be? Shouldn't we always be striving for improvement?

But for now, I am happy, thankful, and wouldn't revoke this year at home in the least. I'm thankful for my 30s, even though, man, that big 40 just gets nearer.

Lord, that I might not just be settled and happy but that I may truly fulfill Your purpose for me and be willing to take any risk that that may require.

My writing job is going well too. I regularly write both fiction and non-fiction, which means I am always researching something new, or writing about something I'm listening to in an audio book. I love research! I love culling info into a small non-fiction piece that, hopefully, captivates the reader's interest. My writing boss says she loves my work--yay--so I keep plugging away until I hear otherwise.

Meanwhile I help my mom babysit my great-nephew twice a week. He's into trains. I don't think I mentioned it on here, but a couple years ago I was told an incoming student was big into trains. I ended up buying two train books--one the ULTIMATE train book with photos and info about all the trains in history, and the other an historical picture book about people heading west by train. Well, my student ended up changing his fandom to dragons, and the books sat there until I went and snagged them from my class library this year and brought them back home for my great-nephew to enjoy. It warms my heart so when he goes and grabs one of the train books from his little area in my room. I feel like my friend who's a boy-mom--I'm learning more about these mechanical things than I would ever have otherwise!

My great-niece and I have been spending time more regularly together. She's a hard nut to crack, but I think I'm finally enjoying her blessed insides, lol. Twice now she and I have served dinner at Salvation Army together. She is so brave (despite squeezing my hand as we pass homeless people) and so efficient and responsible in serving food! Twice now she has previewed my writing and made notes on which passages are boring and which are not. I needed the perspective of my target audience! And every time I pick her up from school she wants frozen yogurt! I think it's only going to get worse as the weather warms up. Unfortunately her great-aunt is an ice cream fanatic too!

My mom likes that I am not stressed out, that I am relaxed. And that I'm around. She likes the company.

I haven't done much major traveling because of my year off. I wash my car more by hand now, lol. I know that's kind of random to insert here, but it seemed like something I should do instead of always paying money to go through the drive-thru when I could save money by just exerting a little work and time. One of those homey chores I avoided until I had time this year to reevaluate.

And now I'm just scraping the bottom of the barrel for things to say. So, until next time I stop by, adieu.

247: planning

I've been feeling a bit blue, unusually lonely.

I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because of how early it goes dark.

Tomorrow I'm teaching Sunday School. Our key verse is Galatians 4:4 - But when the fullness of time had come, God sent forth His Son....

I'm reminding myself how God had the birth of Jesus planned for many, many years. He orchestrated all the different events so it would come down to that moment in time when Light would break through the darkness.

God doesn't live my life moment by moment or season by season. He declares the end from the beginning. Whatever He has planned, He started arranging things to make it happen long before right now.

He's got this.

Meanwhile, I remind myself--though lately it's come easy, but for some reason the last couple weeks it has not--that my Hope is not in a person or circumstances but in His sovereignty and goodness, that I belong to Him, and that He is active in our lives.

We can do this, y'all. Let us do it well.

228: unexpected reminder

It's been a temporarily rough weekend in the singleness department. No, no drama to speak of, just a sudden WHACK! of "hey, remember? it's just you. no male half. no other side of the equation. no, 'and God saw the man and woman and it was good.'" And then, I think I was on my blog and glanced at the post from last Christmas Eve. Or somehow Christmas Eve came into my head. And WHAM! hey, you get to be the in-between, unattached person again this year. Your niece is MARRIED, your 70+ yr old widowed aunt has a BOYFRIEND. It's not that I want a fiancé for Christmas or even a boyfriend (let's not be greedy now). I just don't want to be the only person at our family event that is winging it solo.

So what am I thankful for, specific to singleness?

Well, I was communicating my woes to some girls in a Facebook group (probably too much so), and a girl I have never met in person (cuz that's how we roll in 2017), but who had liked one of my recent blogposts replied to me with this:

"Just bring those 30 days of gratitude posts with you and remember you ARE special, God just has you serving a different way right now."

Exactly what I wanted to hear? No, I wanted to hear of a rent-a-plus-one website like in Holiday Engagement and Hitched for the Holidays. Just kidding. Kinda.

But, I am thankful for the reminder that . . .

. . . there are things to be grateful for. And He does have my life in His hands. And He is working. And while I don't have grand hopes of enjoying this year's Christmas Eve (sometimes the stiff upper lip is rather elusive), my life is not in vain. It has eternal purpose, eternal meaning. What more could I ask for?

I needed that reminder again. So thanks, you-know-who-you-are, for the love and Christian fellowship. Truly. It means a lot.

This is my single life. It takes a community.

Where have you received unexpected encouragement lately?

one of my 2nd grader's handwriting work this week <3

I am participating in "Write 31 Days," where a bunch of bloggers write...for 31 days. My theme is "This My Single Life," with a focus on the blessings of this season. Hopefully it's obvious to anyone who knows me or has read my blog that I want to be married and have kids. But at 32 years old, I am quite single, and I think it's God-glorifying to highlight the good things God has given me with singleness. Click here to access the links for my 31 days of writing! And if you want to read everyone else's blog posts, go to http://write31days.com/ and click "Linking Up" for the categories!

217: that my present circumstances are more than enough

Some days, weeks, months are consumed with longing. Longing for something else.

I'm going to an event this weekend where I get to see people I usually only see once a year, if that, and some I haven't met. It is going to be emotionally charged with sleep running low and my emotions probably running the gamut of high to low,  insecure to ridiculously giddy.

So I am very grateful that last night and tonight God is reminding me that the life I have, the life I'll come down to next week, has everything I need. I currently, not wishfully, live with the hope of good things. Like, the good thing of my students and coworkers and upcoming activities and fun lessons. My church triad group starting Tuesday. Faith Bible Institute classes where I am building acquaintanceships. God actively at work, and the promise of His power to answer prayer even for the seemingly impossible.

Ah, Lord God, nothing is too difficult for Thee.

He has set me in a good path.

I may come back with a year-full worth of memories tucked in my heart, but I will come back to an equally, though different, good life.

This is my single life. And today I like it.

Because the Giver is glorified when we actually enjoy His gifts.

What good things has He given in this your life that put a smile on your face?

We had a firefighter couple visit our school today!

I am participating in "Write 31 Days," where a bunch of bloggers write...for 31 days. My theme is "This My Single Life," with a focus on the blessings of this season. Hopefully it's obvious to anyone who knows me or has read my blog that I want to be married and have kids. But at 32 years old, I am quite single, and I think it's God-glorifying to highlight the good things God has given me with singleness. Click here to access the links for my 31 days of writing! And if you want to read everyone else's blog posts, go to http://write31days.com/ and click "Linking Up" for the categories!

209: teacher friendship

School is over, and a teacher friend just walked into my room, fly swatter in hand. "Why is it, " she asked, "that they will fly at your face and mouth and nose, but as soon as you get out a fly swatter, you cannot find one?" And then as we chit-chatted about our upcoming teacher trip, she killed two flies in my room and cleaned up their remains with my Chlorox wipes.

That's a true friend right there. Because I really do not like smashing flies. *bug guts*

(She also has volunteered to vacuum my room when I've been at my wits end. But I bucked up.)

For six years this teacher friend and I have done life together. Almost literally, because we spend every weekday during the school year right next door to each other, our "kids" sharing recess and lunch and special events. We collaborate about teaching--we've heard the same education speakers that we refer back to--and we collaborate about how to do relationships, discussing male/female communication differences and how best to interact with the various men (and male students!) in our lives. Through the years I've heard about her relationship's journey--she finally married her man this last winter. And she has been here through two of my relationship journeys to their respective ends.

When I was gone from school for a year, we stayed friends. When she was gone from school for a year, we stayed friends.

She encourages me in the Lord. She gives me an in-real-life dose of quality time.

(And she plops herself in my special yellow teacher chair and let's me keep working while she just relaxes for a bit at the end of the day.)

Who knew co-workers could be like sisters?

This friendship is part of my single life. And I love it.



a right now pic of my yellow teacher chair and part of our reading area

What friendships make your single season in particular sweeter?

I am participating in "Write 31 Days," where a bunch of bloggers write...for 31 days. My theme is "This My Single Life," with a focus on the blessings of this season. Hopefully it's obvious to anyone who knows me or has read my blog that I want to be married and have kids. But at 32 years old, I am quite single, and I think it's God-glorifying to highlight the good things God has given me with singleness. Click here to access the links for my 31 days of writing! And if you want to read everyone else's blog posts, go to http://write31days.com/ and click "Linking Up" for the categories!

208: the blessing in stress

I'm stressed.

*here's where I tell all the details of my life that you can skip if "I am stressed" is sufficient info :-P*

I have Faith Bible Institute homework due Wednesday evening that I'm farther behind in than I like to be by Monday eve. I am leaving for a teacher trip also on Wednesday so I need to make sure my students have their home study packets in their backpacks before they leave tomorrow, and then when I get home I need to pack for the 6:45 a.m. departure. When I get back from that trip, I have a full weekend, limiting the amount of time I can lesson plan for the next week, but really I need to lesson plan for 2 weeks because I'll be leaving that Thursday for an extended weekend, which means preparing for a sub for a couple days. And for that trip I'm going to be in the mountains where there is the possibility of snow, so I'm really stressed about figuring what to wear since I'm in the hot weather with sleeveless tops mindset, not the cold weather, will I really need boots and sweaters mindset. I need to get out my winter clothes and decide what will look cute! All that within a very limited amount of time.

And I have a blog post to write and what am I going to write on?

The blessings. The blessings that will come on the other side of these stresses.

I get to go on that trip to the mountains and I am so excited about hanging out with new and old friends!

I get to have a job where littles depend on me for their education, and I have the independence to assign to the sub whatever work I think will best enhance their learning.

I get to go with my fellow teachers on an all-girl trip to a beach house! And we get to go to a teacher conference too, and I always enjoy conferences.

I get to spend 3 hours a week doing satellite Bible college classes and being straight-up fed the Word!

So while I have this limited time with lingering stress (Lord, take this worry and help me accomplish everything!), the blessings are numerous, meaningful, and worth the extra push.

This is my single life. And it is good.

Because the Giver IS glorified when we actually enjoy His gifts.

 

 

I got to go watch Bella's agility class tonight.

What stresses in your life are actually blessings in disguise?
 

I am participating in "Write 31 Days," where a bunch of bloggers write...for 31 days. My theme is "This My Single Life," with a focus on the blessings of this season. Hopefully it's obvious to anyone who knows me or has read my blog that I want to be married and have kids. But at 32 years old, I am quite single, and I think it's God-glorifying to highlight the good things God has given me with singleness. Click here to access the links for my 31 days of writing! And if you want to read everyone else's blog posts, go to http://write31days.com/ and click "Linking Up" for the categories!



195: most recent thoughts on believing in the beauty of God's unknown plan

I have completely lost my voice, it's getting close to a time when I should be getting ready for bed, my throat feels scratchy, but I want to write what I've been thinking. Might not be as coherent or well-examined (or succinct!) as if I had more time. Disclaimer there.

Do I believe in the beauty of God's design? Do I believe in the beauty of His redemption?

I'm reading Laura Story's When God Doesn't Fix It. For those who don't know, Laura Story is a Christian songwriter. Shortly after she and her husband Martin married, he suffered from brain trauma and now has short term memory loss (reminiscent of the movie Remember Sunday but not that bad). Her dream had always been to be a stay at home mom, like her mom before her. But instead she had to deal with seeing that dream die as she became the breadwinner for the family. And she and her husband have had to walk through his medical issues and figuring out how to do life differently than they had ever imagined. She writes:

"When Martin and I said, 'I do,' we set out on a boulevard of marital bliss. Then came a bumpy detour called 'Brain Tumor.' We took the detour and followed its winding ways. but I kept thinking the detour would take us back to the main road. It took me several years to realize that it wasn't a detour; it was the road. It was taking us farther away from anything familiar and would never lead us back to the boulevard of dreams where we started. . . .
 
I had to reconsider other dreams. Our parents had always been our role models--both our dads worked outside the home while our moms took care of their homes and children. That was our dream too. I'd always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. Now my only option was to a be a working mom. I didn't know what that would look like, or even if I could do it." (ch. 9)

"It's easy to sign up for a short-term mission project or donate money . . . . But would you be willing to sign up for the brokenness in your life, if you knew your brokenness would bring glory to God and enable you to learn to trust him in everything?" (ch. 10)

"When Martin and I walked through his medical trials, we saw a lot of things die. Our vision for our future. Our dreams for each other. Our idea of a perfect family. Sometimes they died all at once; other times, our dreams slowly withered away. When they did, I thought they were gone forever. But occasionally God allows a dream to die so that we can see his power greatly displayed." (ch. 16)

(I did NOT summarize the book, just picked the relevant parts, so get the book for yourself! Here's a vid of Laura Story singing her song "Blessings.")

My mom and I went to Sight & Sound's movie production of "Jonah" last night. They characterized Jonah as a man who had been waiting for 17 years for God to give him another prophecy. When he heard God say He was going to destroy Ninevah, Jonah was ecstatic. Then he realized, wait, why would God tell him to warn them unless . . . . And at that point Jonah began fighting God. He wished God had never spoke to him. He told God He was asking too much of him. He ran away. He decided he couldn't do what God asked and decided to disobey and separate himself from God. He even was willing to be thrown into the sea and die instead of having to do what God wanted him to do. Of course, God kept him alive. God got him to the point of reluctant obedience.

When I think of redemption, I think of a mosaic sun catcher of colored broken glass. Like something made "perfectly" has been broken and recreated. Usually I think of the breaking being a result of sin, and so God redeems the ugly to make something beautiful.

What if God does, or allows, the breaking? What if He breaks what I think is perfect? How much do I believe that whatever beauty He is going to create from the brokenness is better than what I thought was perfect?

We all have what we think is perfect. And we all experience brokenness. It is common to man.

Ok, not sure where I was going with that.

Not sure where the thread of Laura Story and Jonah and the mosaic weave together....

God. Do I trust God when He breaks my plans and presents me with the unknown. Do I look at the unknown and then look back to Egypt and say, but THAT would have been better, Lord? Or do I look at the unknown and say, You are good, You create amazing beauty, and I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.

Or is it (more likely) two steps forward in faith and one step back in wishful thinking?

How much do I trust that, in His power, He will make something more beautiful (by His definition) than I would have, and how much am I willing to let Him?

Rainbow Suncatcher by Elsieland Mosaics on Flickr

194: ...and a sound mind

Fear. It's powerful in relationships. It's no coincidence that when 2 Timothy 1:7 says that "God has not given us a spirit of fear" that the corollary is His giving us "a sound mind." Because when I am fearful about a relationship, I do not have a sound mind. Obsessive. Overanalyzing. Worried. Stressed. Predicting the future. Jumping to conclusions. Reading into things. Seeing doom. Giving up. And all within hours of the last interaction.

There is no buoyant hope. No steadiness. No waiting to see what will happen next if I let it rest a day in God's hands.

If I squint and cock my head, I can vaguely see the writing on the wall, and even though I have no divine interpreter, I can agonizingly surmise it says, "This person has been weighed on the scales and found wanting; this relationship's days are numbered." The former butterflies in my stomach transform into a knot that drags me under. No more information needed. It's the end. I'm going to bed.

Been there, done that, Lord, please, teach me to have a sound mind.

The other day I was sitting across from a little girl who deals with possessiveness when it comes to friendships. And one of her male friends had been particularly chummy with another person lately. Not good. So as we sat there coloring, she told me resignedly, "So, I think this *her name* and *his name* thing is over." After I got over the humor of hearing a little girl refer to herself in the third person, I started talking to her about how friendships go up and down, and, yes, it's hard when we have to wait. She was like, "I know. It's been TWO days." Inwardly chuckling, I replied, "And it feels like FOREVER." But it's not. It's hard to wait. It's really hard. But things will change. (I may have even promised her chocolate if it doesn't . . . I don't always have wisdom when interacting with kids.)

I know firsthand how hard it is to wait and want a guy and try to surrender him to God and then see him get married and want any guy and get one and lose one and spend months recovering from the loss and wait some more. I literally know emotional pain very well, like the back of my hand, like an old blankie actually.

I also know that God has been there with me in every painful season of my life. He has been so close. I also know that the days upon days that sucked me under were seasons. They did not last. Two days is not forever. A painful day or two (or week) where the anxiety over a guy makes me want to keep sleeping and I'm eating two bowls full of chocolate ice cream and yet my stomach still is in knots? It will not always be like that.

But even if the disappointment is more severe, God has been with me through so much emotional turbulence already, and He's continually taking me back to the basics of who He is as my baseline. He is my baseline. THE baseline, apart from me. My life will have highs and lows. But the Rock does not change. Do you know how much having a sound mind is related to clinging to that Rock and knowing He'll get me through even this, because I've seen Him do it in the past over and over? My memorial stones were agonizingly set, but they are there, witnesses of God's faithfulness.

God has also blessed me with people who listen when I'm hovering at irrational highs and dragging through irrational lows. Sometimes they just listen; sometimes they speak steadiness and insight into my crazy, rubberbanding, emotional self.

Fear. It's powerful in relationships. But God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

During a very hard season,

I played/sang this song over and over.

187: this year's Valentines post

I have a new theme for my blog. Embracing the Present.

But I don't want to be always zipadeedooda either.

Basically, I don't know what to write about anymore. I feel like I've already said any thoughts that I continue to regurgitate.

I recommend 2 books. Pain Redeemed: When Our Deepest Sorrows Meet God by Natasha Metzler, and Blindsided by God by Peter Chin. Neither have to do with singleness, but both apply.

I haven't experienced the hardships that other people go through. I haven't experienced infertility or infidelity or wayward children or financial crisis or cancer (which is no respecter of marriage status).

I've only experienced singleness and living at home.

That's it.

So God uses the putty at hand to teach me what I desperately need to learn.

Like, it is okay for life to derail. In fact, it is normal.

When I read my Bible and hear testimonies, I discover that God has no reverence for the "ideal." I'm not sure where we come up with the "ideal" life or the "perfect" life or the most virtuous way of doing things, even down to me thinking that bigger families, living in the country, and not dressing trendy is, by default, "better."

I have completely subjective ideas of what is the ideal life. My ideal would have been to marry NO LATER than 21 years old, have probably a dozen children, raise them so that I have a close relationship with my children and none of them rebel, and have a marriage that would show the older, less-romantic marrieds that this is how you have a good marriage.

What does God do? He gives me, oh, none of it.

I have yet to see where God observes our ideal.

God does not work with ideals. God does not work with your perfect dream.

Sarah was barren for about a century. Her ideal? NO WAY.

Ezekiel's wife dies. His plan? No!

Hosea marries a woman who leaves him for other men, and their relationship is publicized before the whole nation. His idea of a good life? Uh, no.

Moses is sent away by his mother while a toddler, forced into a adoption/foster child type situation where he (my conjecture) fits neither as an Egyptian or as a Hebrew.

Elijah feels all alone in the world.

Daniel is castrated as a eunuch while a teenager.

Esther is forced to marry an older man who sleeps with many women.

Jeremiah is cast into a pit just for doing what God says.

We dismiss these examples because that was God's plan for them. Because we see how God was going to use it. Because they're in the Bible.

No, no, no. These were real men and women who had their lives upended because having your life upended by fate is NORMAL, but God is not fazed IN THE LEAST when your life derails. He does not have to come up with a Plan B. He is right there. His ideal for me was never dependent on me getting married, having children, and homeschooling. His plan for me never involved the path of sanctification I wanted--I wanted, I've always wanted, to be sanctified through marriage, to grow up through the crucible of marriage, to mature through parenting, to fulfill my life's purpose alongside my husband.

Instead, God's plan of sanctification for me means I have to say, no, I have no idea what it's like to be a parent. I've never had to stay up nursing or taking care of a sick child. No, my heart has never broken over my flesh and blood. I have not had to deal with miscommunication with a spouse. I haven't had to learn to compromise with a husband. I haven't had to feel the pang of selfishness being scraped away through marriage. I haven't. And not because I don't want to. But because this, THIS, is God's plan for ME. And the whole world can think I have the easy life as I shake these iron bars and cry out that it wasn't my plan, but--

God is in Heaven, and He does what He pleases. He chooses the paths we trod. Why, why do we hold on to our dreams so tightly and forget that EVERYTHING could go wrong in our lives and, still, EVERYTHING would be ours through Christ? His ideal for us is not temporal and circumstantial but spiritual and eternal. We lose nothing through singleness that every other Christian before us hasn't experienced in their own God-ordained way--the loss of something dear so that we might gain the intimate knowledge of Christ, apart from circumstances.

inside recess on a rainy day

"[T]o be a witness to God is, above all, to know, believe, and understand Him. All that He asks us to do is but means to this end. He will go to any lengths to teach us, and his manipulation of the movements of men . . . is never accidental. Those movements may be incidental to the one thing toward which He goads us: the recognition of Christ." --Elisabeth Elliot, The Savage My Kinsman

186: not living the supposed to life but/and being thankful

Some days I feel like I was made to be a homeschooling mom, not a private school teacher. Like, that would be more "me." Especially when I read great articles like this: A Missing Piece that Public School Can't Provide.

For example, I prefer flexible structure. I like giving my students an unplanned half hour of "stamina reading" (ie. free reading without interrupting anyone). I would rather do corporate Bible reading and "Great Books" (reading out loud to them from a higher-level chapter book) than add in more work pages of close reading passages with exercises. I like throwing up the curriculum pages and doing something different sometimes. Going with the flow and seeing what great things we'll learn simply because the flow of interest is heading that way.

But this is the deal: It does not matter if I'm "supposed" to be a private school teacher (at my wonderful country Christian school) or, alternatively, if I'm supposed to end this year of teaching, get married in the fall, start giving birth to children, and finally begin homeschooling my little brood. There is no "supposed to" when it comes to life direction. Man plans his way, but the Lord directs our steps. I can choose to quit my job and look for another. I can choose to stay at home and build up no savings. These are choices I can make. I can choose to find the first guy on Christian Mingle who loves Jesus and marry him because I don't want to wait anymore. Those are choices I can make.

But if those are not choices I think God is leading me toward, I can also embrace my present situation with thankfulness and positivity, just like, Lord-willing, I would embrace any other season of life with thankfulness and positivity.

Interestingly enough, have you ever tried being thankful for the things specific to your season of life? I started trying to do that the other week, and it is kind of eye-opening.

m' life - L to R - part of MLK Jr.'s I Have a Dream speech in cursive for my students to copy, me kicking back during stamina reading (I asked a student to take a pic of me), a 4th grader's interpretation of Magellan, a selfie while on vacation, dangerous roads while on vacation, watching icecream being made in a minute (it was hard and clumpy)

I'm thankful I can...
-sleep in on a day off
-drive out of state to spend a couple days with a girl friend while her husband is working
-listen to the audiobook of my choice on road trips
-stop for food on road trips whenever and wherever I want
-visit friends nearby and binge-watch a season of When Calls the Heart
-spend my evenings however I want

Selfish items for gratitude? Yes, it's a casualty of being single. But if I'm going to reap the benefits, I might as well enjoy them and be thankful for them, instead of wishing for change or feeling guilty (same could be said with any season of life, eh?). And I really AM enjoying this season of life.

So since this is your life, what are you thankful for?

(P.S. You do realize that a lot of this I write so I can later come back and remind my forgetful self of these things, right?)
(P.S.S. Actually I write them to solidify thoughts and create thoughts and write thoughts because writing makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside.)

181: my current take on contentment

Contentment lies not in wanting your dreams less per se, but in accepting that, if the Playwright completely turns your desired plotline on its head, contrary to all logic and historic normalcy, if He brings years instead of fortnights, pain instead of expected pleasure, lonely nights with no guaranteed end, then He is still in His rights to do so, He is still good, and if, through the years and confusion, you come to know and believe and understand that He is (Is. 43:10), then your life will not be for naught.

While the purpose of your life was suppose to involve investing in a marital relationship and raising children in the fear and admonition of the Lord (and you still hope it does), maybe the purpose for all living is simply to know Him, something that exceeds circumstances. Maybe true ministry to others, true purpose, doesn't depend on anything circumstantial, but rather believing that He is God and living out that growing knowledge of Him, being a witness of the One you love, wherever you are, even in the solitary passing of time. To know Him. Just simply to know Him. To grow in knowing Him.

Accept that, and even as you long for something more temporal, you can be content.

Quoting Elisabeth Elliot from The Savage My Kinsman:

"[T]o be a witness to God is, above all, to know, believe, and understand Him. All that He asks us to do is but means to this end. He will go to any lengths to teach us, and His manipulation of the movements of men . . . is never accidental. Those movements may be incidental to the one thing toward which He goads us: the recognition of Christ."

 Methinks perhaps that's why I'm still single.

"'You are My witnesses,' says the LORD,
'And My servant whom I have chosen;
That you may know and believe Me,
And understand that I am He.'"
(Isaiah 43:10)

179: process of time

Let us resolve that our sanctification has happened at this rate for good reason, even if it was because we weren't ready earlier. That regret has no place where sincere God-seeking has existed. That we will be grateful for how far grace has led us instead of submitting to self-deprecation that we didn't get there faster. To submit ourselves to the process, with joyful abandon to the One who is in charge of our timelines. To never stop running towards the goal, towards the prize which is in Christ Jesus. Glorying in what He has worked because He makes everything beautiful in His time.

166: intentionality and information dump

"To everything there is a season,

A time for every purpose under heaven" (Ecc 3:1)

I'm really feeling this in my life right now.

Last year I taught with a friend whose word for the year was "intentionality." She wanted to teach with intentionality. That was great for her. I was just enjoying my first year feeling like I might know what I'm doing.

But my Lord seems to have led me into a season the last few months of living intentionally. Who do I want to be? Not in the future, but now? How do I want to live? Not when I have a husband, but now? What are my ideals? And can I work to attain them?

Here's how that's been fleshing out for me.

I'm exercising three days a week. That's...unheard of. I'm doing Jazzercise, sometimes with a friend, sometimes on my own. And I'm paying top dollar for membership. Money is a great motivator.... So is the thought of being able to offer an active, healthy person to my future husband, if God so brings that about. And also, this is how I want to live. And instead of being conquered by my laziness, I'm finally feeling the satisfaction of living how I want to live, even as the muscles ache and the sweat drips down my neck.

I'm trying to keep my room neater. It's embarassing how much a single girl will let the one room of the house that she has sole jurisdiction over fall apart around her. I'm not sure why keeping a neat room has never been a priority. My parents are both very tidy people. Perhaps it's been a way to do my own thing. Perhaps it's been because I'd rather do other things instead. Perhaps I thought it impossible to take charge of this area of my life and so gave in to how I didn't mind living (aka messy). Now, don't get me wrong, as I type, my bed isn't even made, and it's 8:20pm. But I have been trying more, not for my mom's sake like I used to (sometimes walking by my room would start to drive her crazy), but because I want to start living neater now, as a single. It's an intentional choice. And I enjoy the satisfaction of actually accomplishing the pick-up that isn't always easy to do in my little over-stuffed room.

I'm trying to do better at controlling my sugar and media intake. I'm failing in the latter. And I'm only just beginning to have some success in the sugar department. Little steps. Dark chocolate doesn't count. Don't judge.

I'm trying to become the person I want to be, against the desires of the flesh.

In some areas, areas I know I will fall without help, I've sought accountability. And it has helped!

Insert clarification: I am not doing nothing with my life. I am an elementary teacher with a combination grades class. It's more than a job, it's my life. It's not like I'm bumming it at home, eating brownies on the floor of a cluttered room while watching back-to-back Hallmark movies.

At least not during the school day.

In the last week I've applied for a graduate program through Liberty University. I filled out the application 3 years ago, and it went inactive from lack of follow-thru (and funds). But now I've reapplied, registered, and am about to do "financial check-in." It's finally the season to start clumping down the cash to move myself forward career-wise. I don't know, maybe the man of my dreams will propose and I'll be married before two classes are even out of the way. But I'm not being held back by my hopes for marriage anymore. Unless God directs me to wait, to not spend the money and take the class, I will be taking my first class for a Master of Arts in Teaching starting the 21st of this month. Craziness.

I'll admit, part of the motivation is so when people ask what's going on in my life, I can actually sound like I'm moving forward in some area. But I also need this degree to have better job-opportunities in the future. I'm excited to learn the content, and I've been planning on going back for a Masters since I graduated in 2009. So this is really an intentional step in fulfilling my dream.

The one area that I am not being intentional in is finding a guy. I am not doing online dating. And there's absolutely no logical reason! (Well, except that I'm not sure that's the best venue for me.) I am completely in favor of online dating. But I have no peace from the Lord that I should do so now in this season. I have no peace even to Facebook message a guy I'm interested in getting to know. Do I think that would be wrong? Not at all. But to everything there is a season. And I know today is not that season.

So that's what's been going on with me. Got to put it all out on the Internet, right? *wry grin*

Well, maybe not everything.

Incoming Selfie Alert....

There we go.

165: Vday and faith

 

"For the Lord is,

He is able

He is faithful

Higher than the mountains that I face

Every season, I will press on

For God alone, is on the throne" (Kari Jobe)

 

Surviving singleness is a lot about faith.

I'm sure every season is about faith, but I'm not walking other seasons, I'm walking the path of singleness, so this is what I know.

I'm surviving (and thriving) this Valentines Day because of faith.

Because I have lived 30 years with my Lord and have grown (at least for this moment) in my trust in Him.

Psalm 135:6 - "Whatever the LORD pleases He does".

He is able, He is faithful. Whatever He purposes, He does. I plant my feet here and declare that what God purposes, He can do. He can do the impossible (ie. getting me married). And I pray for the impossible. I hope for the impossible. I believe in Him and His ability to do the impossible.

This Valentines Day I am not embracing resignation. I am embracing hope. But, more satisfying, I am embracing my Lord, declaring that knowing Him is primary and believing in Him is my peace.

Singleness is about faith. Faith that following Him is more fulfilling and more peaceful than longing after something else ad infinitum to my heart's misery. Believing that if He takes something way it is only because He has something better. He is something better.

Believing that even though I cannot predict the future, control the future, or manipulate the future, I can be excited about what God might do (even if unrelated to my relationship status), because my God does the unthinkable!

"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for,

the evidence of things not seen." (Heb. 11:1)



162: solutions for the single blues this time of year

I don't know what it is about this time of year. Days before Thanksgiving it started. And not just for me. I was getting texts from others too, confirming that, yes, we were all kinda wishing that we had someone.

Maybe the magic of the season makes us extra sentimental. Maybe the family get-togethers make us more aware that we have no one to bring to the party. Maybe the cold weather makes us want to cozy in front of a fire next to someone wearing long-sleeved, buttoned-up, flannel plaid. Or thoughts of mistletoe and sleigh bells and walking in a winter wonderland are just getting to be a little much, even if you do live in a snow-less area, like I do.

Whatever the cause, it sorta creeps up on you in the cold days and early nights, and one doesn't know whether to jump on Christian Mingle or wait out the storm.

I think it depends.

God has given us desires to make us act. When we're hungry, we go get food. When we're exhausted, we sleep. All desires can be governed by self-control. I don't have to eat and sleep as soon as I'm hungry or tired, but if I had no desire for these things I would have no impetus to act (unless I just knew it was good for me to do so and forced myself forward).

The same thing with this nudging, longing, wishing for someone. It could be a reminder to change something in your life: get out and be more social with single people, let your desire for marriage be known among the motherly types in your church, sign up for a dating site, send a FB friend request, pray a lot more for a spouse.

On the other hand, if you feel an abnormal longing, something that is coming out stronger than usual and more possessive of a present you do not have, the solution might be what I have detected often in my own life: spend more quality time with God. Because sometimes the lack in your spiritual life will show itself by eating at you for SOMETHING, SOMEONE to fill the gap. And in that case, the last thing we want to do as believers is trek out on our own to pursue a crush instead of filling up on the One who has and always will be with us.

"Like an apple tree among the trees of the woods,

So is my beloved among the sons."

Song of Solomon 2:3

Along with that, if you are happy with your life, it can help a little to remind yourself that you are satisfied, that you are happy, that God has blessed you. I sometimes catch myself wanting to become more desperate than I actually am.

my class is growing green beans!

On a less substantial note, I've found, in rare occasions, that a couple Hallmark movies back to back can be just the thing to warm the heart and produce a happy sigh so one can get back to normal life.

<3

157: give me a fish

In Matthew 7 Jesus says, "For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened. Or what man is there among you who, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will he give him a serpent? If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him!"

This year I wanted a certain kind of "fish" (please bear with my metaphor). I wanted it really bad. But the fish weren't bitin'. So I asked the Lord to take away my hankerin'. And you know what He did? He gave me a hankerin' for a different kind of fish, and I was able to move my fishing pole to a different stream. All was fine.

But then I started looking over at my shoulder at that stream over yonder where that old fishkind (rainbow trout? catfish? salmon?) was still swimming back and forth, whipping its tail. I didn't know if I could be satisfied with my new fishing hole, the one God provided, because, goodness, the sunlight sure glistened nicely off those ol' shiny scales.

One morning, I woke up to find a "For Sale" sign posted right next to that old stream. I didn't know what to think. I had my own fishing hole now. And that ol' fishing spot hadn't brought me any fish before. But why, oh, why did it have to available for more trying now?

So I prayed. I was going fishing again that very day, and I prayed, "Lord, You are a good Father. And You say you will not give me a snake or a stone when I want a fish. That's not in Your heart. I pray for a fish. I believe that You give good things to Your children."

I took my bait and tackle, and I trekked down to my own little fishing hole. And you know what?

I came back with a string full of fish!

Ok, it's a metaphor, a parable. It's a fish tale. But this happened to me lately (minus the fish), and God proved to me His Word when it says "how much more will your Father . . . give." His heart is to bless us, not to give us cursings. If He withholds, fine, He knows best. But He's not asking me personally to settle for something I don't care about. He never has. Instead, I need to ask for His super blessings, believing He can do what I might not think is possible. I need to remember that, instead of a stone, His heart, my own Father's heart, is to give me a fish.

153: the pressure of one

"And after all, Marianne, after all that is bewitching in the idea . . . of one's happiness depending entirely on any particular person, it is not meant -- it is not fit -- it is not possible that it should be so." (Sense and Sensibility, chapter 37)

Bewitching indeed! How many hopes and dreams have I at times pinned on THAT one person? "He will _____," and fill in the blank, depending on the cavity of my life at that moment.

I had a realization the other day. Really, it's pretty obvious, it just has taken me awhile to get there. I realized I can actually appreciate another man for his talents or his personality without it being a love interest or hoping my future husband has the same qualities. (Duh, right?) Like, my husband doesn't have to be all things from all men. He can be himself, and I can enjoy the diversity of other people in the body of Christ.

I marvel at all the people God has put in my life, and the many happinesses they bring me.

I look forward to spending the day around my coworkers, one a woman married for many years, the other a woman a few years older than me who is engaged. They are not only my fellow teachers, but my friends. I open my classroom door to go make copies before class, and my little Ethiopian boy with the cutest personality ever has just arrived and offers me a hug. Later on, my socially-aware Chinese girl strides into the classroom late, smelling of perfume (she's only 8).

At the end of the day, I heft my school bags through my parents' front door and two little dogs (they're kinda like people, right?) greet me like they haven't seen me in weeks. My Bella wiggles her behind with her "baby" (stuffed animal) in her mouth, jumps on my bed, and whines happily as I scratch her ears.

My phone dings with an absolutely random text message from a crazy pal. A friend from out-of-state calls me for an update. I get an e-mail from a friend from out of the country.

And then, on top of all these and much more, God gives me Himself. In HIS presence is fullness of joy and at HIS right hand are pleasures forevermore. Joy dims to grasping for a feeling if I am not first hidden under His wing.

I have many blessings through  many individuals.

Can a dog or students or coworkers replace the place of a husband? No, that's not God's design.

And yet.

I cannot pin all my happiness on one person. I know me. I know it would end in disaster. It puts too much pressure on the one relationship.

One man, even the most important man in my life, even the man with whom I share everything and for whom I vow "til death do us part," is not supposed to fill the place of my parents or my girl friends or every member of the body of Christ.

So I thank God for the many relationships in my life. I thank Him for the happiness I get from all the little instances around me. I put Him first in the order of where I derive peace of heart. And no matter if a man be in my life, I want to remember to balance that relationship with the other valid relationships in my life.

I am blessed.


Excerpts from two of my students' recently finished make-believe stories:

"Mmm," said Michelle as she sniffed her cup of coffee. She went in the kitchen to get a snack. But when she saw a cat at the window. "Pss," said Michelle. The cat jumped into the house and bumped over Michelle's ring on the ledge. Michelle got angry and the cat jumped out side.

"Oh no," cried Michelle. She went to see the mess. On the ledge were scattered diamonds. It was her favorite ring because her boyfriend gave her it . . . . 

When Michelle woke up her boyfriend was at the door with something behind his back. Then her boyfriend showed her what was behind his back. When Michelle saw the ring she was soooooo surprised that she hugged and squeezed him. "I love you and you're the best," said Michelle. The End.

~*~

Jake is a polar bear that lives on Polar Bear Island. Jack is a person that went to Polar Bear Island for the summer. On the plane ride to Polar Bear Island, Jack thought he was talking to a kid. But... he was really talking to Jake. Jack did not know. Then Jake put his head in to the water to get fish. Jack said "a talking polar bear! I will capture the polar bear to be rich!"

. . . Jake said, "Why are you trying to capture me?" "Why do I want capture Jake anyway? What a fool am I," Jack said. Jake said, "Yup you are a fool." The moral of the story was it doesn't matter how much you have."

150: active or dormant?

I'm afraid.

Sometimes I have strong desires.

And other times, those desires lessen.

And sometimes, I have strong desires that I'm afraid to let lessen. I cling to them as my own, as part of what I want, and I'm afraid that if I let those desires lessen then...

What am I afraid of?

I'm afraid that if I get the opportunity to do what I've always wanted to do, that I'll bypass the opportunity because I won't realize its enormous value anymore because I've stopped wanting it so much.

The other week I had to deal with this. Because I have such a bad memory, I was afraid if I didn't hold onto these feelings, that if xyz opportunity did arise, I would forget what a good thing it was and not respond appropriately. So, driving home from work one eve, I decided that I would just have to trust God. I told Him that if He wanted this opportunity to come, He would have to resurrect the feelings at that time. I would stop trying to grasp for a hold on them. (And later He did seem to confirm that He was capable of doing so)

Today I saw 9 month old baby pics on Facebook. Lately I've realized my desire for kids is waning, and I am so afraid to let that desire go. I don't want to be that person that doesn't want kids. I don't want to be that older single for whom it doesn't matter anymore if she does or doesn't have children. I don't want to wake up when it's too late and say, "What have I done to myself?" (as if wanting something means I'll get it and not wanting something means I won't get it).

But maybe when desires fade, they simply become dormant. They do not vanish, poof, nope, don't care anymore. They just lie dormant until God and circumstances resurrect them.

Lord, You know the dreams of my heart. Give me the perfect balance of action to reach those dreams and allowing those dreams to sink into inactivity for a season.

Anyway, tis the thoughts of my heart right now.

148: faith in what?

He could not do many miracles there and marveled because of their unbelief.

"Do You not care that we are perishing?" "Why are you so fearful? How is it that you have no faith?"

I write to myself. I remind myself of who I ought to be. I say these things to attempt to keep myself surrendered under His hand every day when I want to inwardly rebel.

Faith in what? Faith that He will be glorified by your life even if it goes according to His plan not yours. Faith that I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Faith that man plans his way but the Lord directs his steps, even if those steps do not follow what you thought His path was going to be for you. Faith that when He lets Jairus' daughter or Lazarus or even Himself die, when He allows those He loves to mourn, that He does not let even a sparrow fall without His notice. Faith that He is the resurrection and the life, and if He lets something die, it is not without His seeing or being able to resurrect if that were His will. Faith that confesses we are strangers and pilgrims on the earth, and faith that prays Your kingdom come, Your will be done.

Faith that gives oneself over to His will, whatever that may be, with no holding back and no bitterness when you see a friend walking the very path you had once chosen for yourself. Because that is not His will for you.

Your ways are higher than my ways. I will believe in the goodness of Your plan.

"Keep looking Himwards--He alone can lead thee;

Nor count from choicest friends thy way to glean;

He knowest best where He Himself doth need thee,

    And He can lead thee by means unseen."

--J. Danson Smith, as quoted in Mrs. Cowman's devotional

No, this is not just about singleness.

It is about believing in our God.

see the tree on the left that looks like the "fuzzy black thing" from two posts ago?