234: social media as an anesthetic for singleness

my dog on my leg while I was sick last week

What I'm about to theorize and muse about does not apply to some of the most single of us so there downs half of my argument. But, it might apply to me, and it's an interesting idea, so I'm going to go ahead and click-clack about it anyway.

I think that social media usage sometimes anesthetizes us from our singleness.

Actually, I KNOW it does. It, like any other social activity, takes away the loneliness. So that's not quite what I mean.

A quick Google search says "anesthetize" is to "deprive of feeling or awareness." I think social media can deprive us of the feeling or awareness of our lack of in-person attachments. It can make us not quite feel our singleness.

Okay, okay, I know the opposite is true as well. Who hasn't scrolled through social media and felt angst from viewing all those engagement and baby announcements?

This last 12 month period I have been part of this amazing Facebook group of Christian singles. It's like the City--it never sleeps. There is always something going on. Some conversation, deep or ridiculous. Some meme to like. Some gif to search for and add as a comment for others to like. Some person to roll your eyes at or interaction to laugh at.

It is a unique Internet community.

The other night I had to go outside without my phone. I looked up at the stars, the moon, the dark sky. And immediately felt lonely. Immediately started praying for a spouse and kids.

And I wonder...

If I lived without this instant access to people across the country at all hours of the day...

If I lived without this placebo numbing me to real life...

If so, and I know this is far-fetched, but...

Would I be less single today?

Probably not, but--

At what point does need drive us to action? To unprecedented action? Especially in a 21st century, first-world, middle-class life where "need" is almost nonexistent.

What would it take to cause us to do the unthinkable, whatever that may be? We'll never know. Because we never allow ourselves to get to that point. All these movies and fictional scenarios where people are faced with these either/or situations, where they have to be brave or face their fears or allow themselves to be stretched beyond their desires--I'm not saying we don't experience that now, but we don't willingly throw ourselves at those situations. We pad our discomfort with distraction, our need with placebos. Our wants--those things we can do something about with little cost--we'll gratify with fulfillment. But we prefer not to feel need. We must not feel need.

I don't know. Just some thoughts.

Anyway, it's an interesting question of how much social media affects my singleness.

Yet I am still grateful for it.

P.S. I use movies to anesthetize my singleness too, but I could only pick on one thing in this post :)

Wrestling bears and Book Review: Graciousness by John Crotts

Ok, so...

Long time no see, btw. :)

At the time I requested this book to review, I was contemplating the strange notion that a guy can be kind without being nice. Or rather, I wanted to learn more about the Biblical category of kindness versus the cultural concept of niceness, because I felt like they must be different, and in getting to know menfolk, I wanted to be able to let go of my need for niceness while still evaluating whether they were the opposite of kindness. Because niceness seems to be more a feminine demand that maybe "we" shouldn't demand of men all the time.

So I thought this book might be JUST THE THING to give me a study on Biblical kindness from a man's perspective. :)

Meanwhile...

(Yes, I'm turning this into more than a book review, because it's more interesting this way, if not more cumbersome just to get to the review section.)

I'm part of a conservative Christians group on Facebook. And right before I got the e-mail confirmation about this book--with an e-book link to keep me occupied while the paperback was being mailed!--there was a big Calvinist/non-Calvinist eruption online. Actually, there have been several in the last month, most of which I seem to find myself in the middle of, but this one happened simultaneously with my receiving this book.

Background. I am not Calvinist. I believe in God's sovereignty, His foreknowledge, His omniscience, His omnipotence, that He does whatever He pleases. I also believe that He allows men to accept or reject His free gift. I believe that He loves the WHOLE world and that Jesus' substitutional sacrifice is available to all people. I also believe that baptism is a sign to the world by the believer of Who his Master now is. I do not believe that God's calling and promises to Israel in the Old Testament were only to a spiritual "Israel" that then became what we know today as the church. Rather, Romans 9-11, in my viewpoint, is talking about a nation, a group of people, that God will restore when the fullness of the Gentiles is complete. I also believe in a literal 1,000 year reign of Christ on earth at the end of the world.

I know there are lots of nice Reformed believers who do not bend on what they believe--that's a good thing!--but who also do not feel the need to be obnoxious about it. I respect and have learned from Reformed believers because of their passion for Biblical scholarship even as I disagree fairly strongly with their conclusions.

But over the years I have run across a VERY few that feel the need to proclaim from the rooftops something like *dot, dot, dot* Calvinism is the true Biblical theology, the theology Jesus would have preached, that you're either Calvinist or Arminian, and that Arminianism is heresy. And if you want them to calm down on the passionate rhetoric, then you're insecure or being too sensitive or haven't read your Bible. Go, Reformed Theology!

Or at least, that's how the communication trickles into my ear. Whether that is what is meant, I cannot say. And whether or not I may have poked a Calvinist bear a time or two in my lifetime, well...I'm working on self-control.

So that's what I had just experienced when I received this book. I opened up to the first chapter and read, "Many young Christians who discover Reformed theology for the first time enter what has been called the 'cage phase.'. . . They are using their newfound knowledge of the truth like a club to assault those around them who have different understandings of the Bible." The author continues that the "antidote to the truth zealots' harsh tones" is not a lesser love of truth but an application of Biblical graciousness.

What on earth? How did I get a book aimed at instructing Reformed believers on how to be gracious when discussing theology with others? LOL!

So, obviously, this book was not what I was expecting to get, but that's ok.

On to the book review!

The first half of the book is an apologetic for graciousness. It was hard for me to follow the author's organization, and I felt like some of the extrapolation from Scripture was a stretch. Like that Jesus' admonishment to the church at Ephesus in the book of Revelation--that they needed to return to their first love--refers in large part to their love of people. So if they did not repent of acting unloving, He would snuff them out. Interesting and edifying, but I wasn't exactly convinced of this interpretation of that verse.

The second half of the book though got into practical application. Much of the information wasn't new, but it was a good compilation of other sources into one. Actually, what he had to say was very good, very true, and applicable in many scenarios.

My favorite part is when he says that before we try to convince another of some point of theology, we need to first listen. He says that other people will be more open to listening to you if you can well articulate their own point of view back to them. WITHOUT that tinge of criticism that I know I personally am so prone to add when summarizing what someone has just said. People will know that you actually understand them and thus will be more willing to hear your verses combating their view. Yes! This! On Facebook I noticed that no one was asking what non-Reformed believers actually believe. Or why.

The author talks about listening well for the reasons beneath the opposing position. He gives an example of someone who believes you can lose their salvation and has concerns that those who believe in eternal security now have license to sin. Instead of blasting them with eternal security verses, the author suggests you first address the legitimate concern about the license to sin. Because that is the underlying issue for the other person. I love that. It is so applicable in all communication, not just theological debates.

He also writes, "If you merely match passion and volume for passion and volume, coupled with verses against verses, what do you think will be accomplished? Will God be glorified? Will the conversation communicate the love of Christ to the other person?" (chapter 7)

Another good quote--again, applicable to any situation--"Obviously, when everyone is on the same team, or perceives themselves to be on the same team, the potential for a gracious and effective conversation multiplies exponentially. . . . If two people are having a theological discussion, it makes a difference if they posture themselves as enemies or friends." (chapter 7)

We are all on the same team--we are all redeemed, we are all followers of Christ, we all value Scripture as the authoritative Word of God. That is our unifying point. We are not enemies but brothers.

So what is my assessment of this book? I think the practical second half of the book won me over. I think all Reformed seminarians should read this book as part of the curriculum (since Reformed believers are the target audience), but it is also great for anyone who is passionate about theology and wants to grow in communication effectiveness. He makes a good argument for the idea that communication breaks down if we do not practice graciousness.

I also recommend David Powlison's Good & Angry for those who want to delve deeper into the heart motivations of why we are sometimes ungracious.

I received a complimentary copy of this book from Cross Focused Reviews in exchange for an honest review.

poetic distraction (x)

I bought a thin blue poem book the other day. I'm not a poetry girl, but this one was quaint and published in 1924, and I want to be a poetry girl.

The following page just hit me between the eyes. And since I had nothing else to write about, I thought I'd share it (because it's too long to share in a FB status!).

The Mountain Woman

Among the sullen peaks she stood at bay

And paid life's hard account from her small store.

Knowing the code of mountain wives, she bore

The burden of the days without a sigh;

And, sharp against the somber winter sky,

I saw her drive her steers afield each day.

Hers was the hand that sunk the furrows deep

Across the rocky, grudging southern slope.

At first youth left her face, and later, hope;

Yet through each mocking spring and barren fall,

She reared her lusty brood, and gave them all

That gladder wives and mothers love to keep.

And when the sheriff shot her eldest son

Beside his still, so well she knew her part,

She gave no healing tears to ease her heart;

But took the blow upstanding, with her eyes

As drear and bitter as the winter skies.

Seeing her then, I thought that she had won.

But yesterday her man returned too soon

And found her tending, with a reverent touch,

One scarlet bloom; and, having drunk too much,

He snatched its flame and quenched it in the dirt.

Then, like a creature with a mortal hurt,

She fell, and wept away the afternoon.

--Du Bose Heyward, Skylines and Horizons

trust distraction (ix)

"God loves an uttermost confidence in Himself-- to be wholly trusted. This is the sublimest of all the characteristics of a true Christian--the basis of all character."

-Henry Van Dyke

 

"O Nebuchadnezzar, we have no need to answer you in this matter. If that is the case, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and He will deliver us form your hand, O king. But if not, let it be known to you, O king, that we do not serve your gods, nor will we worship the gold image which you have set up." (Daniel 2:16-18)

 

 



complaint distraction (viii)

"[H]ere is the difference between a holy complaint and a discontented complaint; in the one we complain to God, in the other we complain of God." -Thomas Watson, quoted in Carolyn McCulley's, Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye?

Do we trust Him?

this isn't really a distraction distraction (vii)

Hi! I can't really make this a full post, so I'm making it a "distraction," a very, very vague word for any posts that are solely quotes or one sentence long.

I just wanted to highly recommend Alia's blog, "Narrow Paths to Higher Places." I can't remember how I first came across it--probably through a Five Minute Friday.

It can be a hard thing to write "real" and edifyingly simultaneously. But Alia pulls it off consistently. (Her blog inspired me to start his one!) Check out her most recent post, and all her other posts, and be encouraged!

a pertinent when I thought I had posted it but really I had just saved it and never posted it distraction (vi)

"When the present is confusing and we’re uncertain as to what to do, the faith—built upon knowing God made a way through our past—opens a window of hope for our future." --Kimberly Smith, author of Passport Through Darkness

when I grow up distraction (v)

I went to a play this weekend put on by [apparently] a bunch of homeschoolers/homeschool grads. Even though I'm fairly removed from that culture now, I love going to these plays just to be part of it again.
 
So . . . when I grow up I want to be a homeschool mom! (I've known that for awhile, but every once in awhile you just have to unabashedly proclaim it!)

I LOVE HOMESCHOOL! (and that's after 12 years of it, folks)

Shadowlands distraction (vi)

Quotes from the movie Shadowlands about the love of C.S. Lewis

Jack: Will you marry this foolish, frightened old man... who needs you more than he can bear to say... who loves you, even though he hardly knows how?

Joy: The pain then is part of the happiness now. That's the deal.

Harry: But she's not...
Jack: Not my wife. No, how could she be? I'd have to love her, wouldn't I? She'd have to be more important to me than anything in the world. I'd have to be suffering the torments of the damned. The thought of losing her...
Harry: I'm so sorry, Jack. I didn't know.
Jack: Neither did I, Harry.

Jack: Why love, if losing hurts so much? I have no answers anymore: only the life I have lived. Twice in that life I've been given the choice: as a boy and as a man. The boy chose safety, the man chooses suffering. The pain now is part of the happiness then. That's the deal.

a safe distraction (v)

"To dread a possible end and thus never begin is safe." --me

an inspirational distraction (vi)

"It wasn’t until I laid all of my writerly-dreams on an altar and threw a match on them that I began to actually write. Once I was separated from outcome or expectations, I was free to finally, at last, write again. A relief! I wasn’t saving anything for anyone: there was no reason to hold back. I had nothing to prove or expect.

I used up all those carefully held-back stories in less than a year. (So much for those….)
And at the end of that year, I had more words, more ideas, more stories. The more I wrote, the more I had to write.

It took me three years of writing in obscurity, nearly every single day, all while steadily “using up” every half-decent turn of a phrase or idea, wasting my metaphors on imperfect mediums, to discover my voice. I have found God’s provision, his abundance, his promises for daily bread, to be true, even in art and creation.

Because not one of my terrible little stories or ideas were wasted, they nourished me, body, mind, and soul, and then, when they were gone, there was room for the new words to come. Pour out the old wine to make room for the new."

--Sarah Bessey, "In Which Art is Like Manna"

a reasoned distraction (v)

"I write because I don't know what I think until I read what I say." ~Flannery O'Connor

a prequel distraction (iv)

"And the child, Francie Nolan, was of all the Rommelys and all the Nolans. She had the violent weaknesses and passion for beauty of the shanty Nolans. She was a mosaic of her grandmother Rommely's mysticism, her tale-telling, her great belief in everything and her compassion for the weak ones. She had a lot of her grandfather Rommely's cruel will. She had some of her Aunt Evy's talent for mimicking, some of Ruthie Nolan's possessiveness. She had Aunt Sissy's love for life and her love for children. She had Johnny's sentimentality without his good looks. She had all of Katie's soft ways and only half of the invisible steel of Katie. She was made up of all of these good and these bad things.

She was made up of more, too. She was the books she read in the library. She was of the flower in the brown bowl. Part of her life was made from the tree growing rankly in the yard. She was the bitter quarrels she had with her brother whom she loved dearly. She was Katie's secret, despairing weeping. She was the shame of her father staggering home drunk.

She was all of these things and of something more that did not come from the Rommelys nor the Nolans, the reading, the observing, the living from day to day. It was something that had been born into her and her only--the something different from anyone else in the two families. It was what God or whatever is His equivalent puts into each soul that is given life--the one different thing such as that which makes no two fingerprints on the face of the earth alike."

--from Book Two, Chapter VIII of A Tree Grows in Brooklyn by Betty Smith, 1943

an epistomologicaless and teleologicaless distraction (iii)

I love philosophy. :)

a good distraction (ii)

Are the providences of God causing bitterness or greater dependence?

 

a true distraction (i)

In the spirit of the last post...

...I love bluegrass/Americana music :)

Thank you, Vision Forum, for that gift certificate last year for BlueBehemoth! My iTunes is getting its fill!