268: between the realms + friendship

I was crying at the dramatic end of a show tonight (what can I say--
I'm tired!), and I found myself thinking of the guy I'm dating (boyfriend? can I use that word?).

It was another reminder that I am entering a season different than the one I've known.

A married friend once told me that getting married to her husband felt very natural. And, although I'm not even engaged, I can see what she means. I feel very much still myself. I actually like that. I don't wake up with dread in the pit of my stomach, like I have in the past. I don't have to wonder day by day if the guy I'm dating will change or if something will be revealed that will shake my world. His consistency is what I value. And in that consistency, I can trust and, yes, relax (now that I've gotten through the most trying stage--another story for another post).

But, back to feeling natural. I still feel very much like me. I haven't become someone else. I don't feel like I've attained something monumental by virtue of dating for 10 months. It's just...natural.

But I know that I am nearing the zenith of all the dreams of my singlehood. And not only mine, but the desires of all my single friends.

I know that if I were to marry, they would feel like they have been left behind. That they would feel alone, with unanswered prayers, and no companionship--or some combination thereof. Because that's how I feel so many times. Have felt?

See, that's where it gets weird. I'm like, oh, I so understand. But, then I go and think of my boyfriend instead of thinking of some mythical future guy or thinking about how it's just God and me, and it smacks me in the face that there IS a difference between single and not-single. It's frankly hard to reconcile the two--the friend I want to be because I'm single (ie. in the same season of life), and the friend I'll be despite not being single (in a different season of life). I feel the same. But I won't be the same. I won't be the same, but I wish I could be the same, and still not be single.

And the other problem is that God has brought me amazing settledness in the last few years of being in my 30s. Maybe even contentedness, if one can still strongly desire and still be content. But I don't know if that's because I've had sequential infatuations the last few years that have kept me from feeling all the pang of loneliness, or if it's that I've forgotten after almost two years of having my guy on my radar, or if it's just truly that I've felt more settled. (A friend in her 30s once told me that this decade was better than the 20s because you're more settled, and it's proven true. Now she's about to turn 40, so we'll see how that turns out.) So, sometimes I can't currently relate to my single friends who are in the thick of the desperate loneliness. Because I haven't felt that as much now as I used to.

More thoughts--

Part of me is like, once I'm married, I can hang out with all these married couples. My friend circle may expand.

Part of me is like I am still hanging on to my current friends! Don't you dare think I'm different just because I'm married!

Part of me thinks if I didn't make a point of hanging out with married couples when I was single--if they didn't include me, and I didn't make a point to try to be included--then it would be hypocrisy to join in the crowd now as if my status has changed my--or their--value.

*sigh* So many thoughts.

Meanwhile, I live betwixt the realms.

252: the x factor

I am not sure I am using that term right. I'm thinking it means that undefinable factor that makes something work, no?

I was watching Mystery 101 tonight. It's a Hallmark mystery.

I've been watching a lot of Hallmark mysteries lately, courtesy of Frndly TV (for the first time ever, I can watch Hallmark NOT on YouTube??). And I've noticed something.

Those characters give eye contact. A lot. They give each other their full attention. I mean, they hold that eye contact when any normal person would look away.

It's not realistic. At all.

And yet.

Have you ever interacted with someone who actually looked at you when you spoke? Whose expression said that they were completely focused on you and understanding what you were saying? Not just understanding, but listening to you, your soul.

And not just giving you their full attention, but liking what they were seeing?

It is rare. I think it must be a personality mutation that only a few people have, to be able to give that full focus and bestow that feeling of worth.

And that's what some of Hallmark's actors capture through much professional labor and experienced directing by the makers of theatrical romance.

But, is it possible that we could bottle up just a little bit of that fake focus and actually employ it in our real lives? Because you don't have to have movie makeup and hair stylists and be a model to make someone feel like they are the most valuable person to you right now.



via GIPHY

249: gotta quibble

So!

In times past, I have been ALL about how serious a guy is. I've been attracted to those quiet, aloof types. Mystery. Intrigue. And seriousness has been important to me. Very important. Not that I am necessarily a serious person at all. But there's just been something that has compelled me to value a guy who, well, knows when it is appropriate to put aside the silly loudness and to stop and focus. [I still do.] If I were honest, I probably more required him to know when I had switched moods and then switch with me. And, when I am interested in a guy, I can change from fun to serious ON A DIME. Partly because, with simply a sentence, I can plummet from optimism to pessimistic doubt about if it's going to work out with said guy. Partly because I am an introvert who can suddenly be DONE. So, if I'm DONE, then I need him to spidey-sense that and join me for one-on-one serious time away from the raucous crowd.

But, well, there's this thing called change. And maturing. And learning from past foibles.

So, there was this guy. Who I liked for an inordinate amount of time. Thankfully God nipped that in the bud once it started to seem like maybe it was going to possibly but probably not but hopefully be reciprocated, and I started the process of relinquishing that ill-chosen crush. But, one of the best parts about my friendship with this fellow has been our banter. I absolutely love it!

And, once the infatuation had been banked, and once I interacted with him in the light of not-stalking-his-every-movement, and once I could reflect, I realized that I really value teasing and banter. Like, wow, I want that. I WANT that in a future marriage. As a top quality.

I used to force-test guys to see if they could be serious.

Now I focus on being playful. And appreciate when I see that they know how to be appropriately serious and how to participate in my need for quality conversation.

And I'm sitting here noticing the complete difference in my approach and going, actually, this is healthier. Especially for those early getting-to-know-you-as-a-friend conversations. It also removes an unspoken expectation on the guy to somehow know when I need him to tone down. Well, I still have some residual cues that tell me a guy is being too silly and it's rubbing me the wrong way. But, still. Growth. Change.

Except now I'm all worried that I'll be thought of as too shallow and not serious enough. :P

Aaaaaaalll the female over-analyzing. :)

Good night.

243: not worth a title

Apparently I wasn't willing to put the work into blogging every day when I started that series on my interests.

It has been a hard last few weeks. But Friday was a good day at work, and today it has been wonderfully dark and drizzly outside, creating a feeling of rest and comfort inside.

I am doing the Teachers in the Word Christmas reading plan this season. It's really nice to have something to keep up with consistently! And I also have a mini-reading plan on names for Christ by Natasha Metzler. And I started Ann Voskamp's The Greatest Gift in November to give me a running start (which also has daily Scripture passages). I'm actually not ridiculously behind, which is nice!

In the singles social media group I am a part of, arranged marriage (and its ilk) has been a recent topic of conversation. Lord, is this desire within me of You or my flesh?

And yet, something stirs when I hear the stories of God putting two people together. The difference is that in my culture, two people come together in love and feelings, but in other cultures, two people come together with commitment.

I want that.

Is it practical? So not!

But the idea of choosing someone, or of being chosen and choosing back, and then basing the future on a commitment that will not fall into divorce because there is nothing to "fall out of," the idea of working through differences without the backdoor that you would have in dating--no, you get to work it out knowing that this is who you are meant to be with--that is supremely attractive to me.

I suppose all that (commitment, choosing, working through differences) happens in marriage no matter what relationship you have had to get you there. But there is a reason why arranged marriage cultures have a lower divorce rate. And the perfection of feelings and circumstances that we require of single people today before they can commit to marriage is fantastically also unreasonable.

A girl tonight shared that in Russian Christian culture, the guy prays about who God wants him to marry, hears from God, goes and proposes to the girl, the girl prays, and then they marry. No dating. No wondering if they married the wrong person, because God showed them.

Oh, Lord God.

I do not understand why He works differently in this culture. If He does work differently. I do not know why I am part of a FB group of some 400 conservative Christians who are unmarried and yet (most) want marriage. I do not know how to balance the stymie inherent in my American early 21st century culture with the sovereignty of God in individual lives.

But there seems to be something wrong in this culture that is preventing what seems more doable in other cultures or in other centuries.

I want to be part of whatever that is in other places and times that makes this thing of getting to marriage less impossible and more natural. Is it supposed to be this ridiculously hard for so many my age and older?

And at what point would I be willing to lay aside my culture and all my fears for the sake of "marriage"?

And what does God's wisdom say?

Meanwhile, school is back in session tomorrow for one more week. We got a new washer and dryer after using the neighbor's for, what?, 3 weeks? And Christmas is a-comin' and I already have been using my recently-purchased-from-Hobby-Lobby wrapping paper! (granted, for non-Christmas presents. Ah well.)

I think I can still say I am content with single life. I don't think I'm discontent. But content does not mean sit back and do nothing, now does it?

209: teacher friendship

School is over, and a teacher friend just walked into my room, fly swatter in hand. "Why is it, " she asked, "that they will fly at your face and mouth and nose, but as soon as you get out a fly swatter, you cannot find one?" And then as we chit-chatted about our upcoming teacher trip, she killed two flies in my room and cleaned up their remains with my Chlorox wipes.

That's a true friend right there. Because I really do not like smashing flies. *bug guts*

(She also has volunteered to vacuum my room when I've been at my wits end. But I bucked up.)

For six years this teacher friend and I have done life together. Almost literally, because we spend every weekday during the school year right next door to each other, our "kids" sharing recess and lunch and special events. We collaborate about teaching--we've heard the same education speakers that we refer back to--and we collaborate about how to do relationships, discussing male/female communication differences and how best to interact with the various men (and male students!) in our lives. Through the years I've heard about her relationship's journey--she finally married her man this last winter. And she has been here through two of my relationship journeys to their respective ends.

When I was gone from school for a year, we stayed friends. When she was gone from school for a year, we stayed friends.

She encourages me in the Lord. She gives me an in-real-life dose of quality time.

(And she plops herself in my special yellow teacher chair and let's me keep working while she just relaxes for a bit at the end of the day.)

Who knew co-workers could be like sisters?

This friendship is part of my single life. And I love it.



a right now pic of my yellow teacher chair and part of our reading area

What friendships make your single season in particular sweeter?

I am participating in "Write 31 Days," where a bunch of bloggers write...for 31 days. My theme is "This My Single Life," with a focus on the blessings of this season. Hopefully it's obvious to anyone who knows me or has read my blog that I want to be married and have kids. But at 32 years old, I am quite single, and I think it's God-glorifying to highlight the good things God has given me with singleness. Click here to access the links for my 31 days of writing! And if you want to read everyone else's blog posts, go to http://write31days.com/ and click "Linking Up" for the categories!

201: the question of how to not lower standards but still be like a peasant

Today I re-read this article (hidden link) which I printed and pasted in my journal several months ago. It is such a good article, you should read it for yourself, but basically it is saying that we often go about looking for a mate like royalty and aristocrats did back in the day.

Here is my list of what I want. Do you fulfill my criteria? I am worthy of more than what you can offer.

Instead, the author and her citations argue, we should search for love like a peasant. A probably inaccurate summary of that position (which I am not very familiar with because I'm definitely more aristocratic) might be,

I want to share my life with someone, and you do too. Let's share life together.

My arranged marriage side is full-on peasant. Gimme a God-fearing guy and we will make it work and fall in love while doing so! <3 <3

My reality side is full-on aristocrat. *pulls out royal checklist* Similar theology? Wants to homeschool? Don't find him repulsive? Similar preferences? Enjoy being around him? Doesn't say something that totally shocks me and makes me want to run the other direction?

My arranged marriage side cries, "But there is no one! No one is interested!"

My reality side gerhumphs, "Yeah, they're interested. You're just not interested back in those that are interested."

I look at all the divisions we have as believers. I mean, not only does my future guy have to be actually saved and following the Lord truly (basic, basic bottom line there), but he also needs to not be Calvinist, not be Arminian, and he must agree on a myriad of other things that aren't doctrinal as much as having the right perspective.

And then there's personality. Because if we marry, we're going to have to live together. And there there's that intangible chemistry that makes you think being married would be better than being single (or, perhaps, being single is better than this relationship). And the time period of dating in which we wait with bated breath for the (seemingly inevitable) red flag (or accumulation of yellow flags) to wave and end it all.

I'm not cynical at all.

If two people can survive all that and end up married, then statistically, it seems a result of a divine miracle.

Praise the Lord such miracles do happen (and the couples stay together).

Or maybe those couples were just less picky.

What would I give up, relinquish, compromise on to be a peasant? I do not know. Because ideally, I do want someone that sees the world the same as me. I don't want to have to defend myself to my spouse. I don't want to fight rolling my eyes. (pride much?) I want to enjoy being with him as a person, both alone and in groups. I want to be completely attracted to him.

I want it all. I do.

I don't even know what it means to not have it all and still have a somewhat-compatible relationship. At one point do differences divide rather than naturally occur? I don't know. I don't.


How do we not lower our standards, but begin to adopt a peasant mindset that allows marriage to be more like God seems to have intended it--a complimentary meeting of needs via cherish and respect--and less like the 2D, flat characterization of two humans having everything they ever wanted satisfied in the other without any annoying aspects portrayed? I do not know.

I'll need to go pray about that...

Any wisdom out there from people who are doing it?




Sweet potato characterizations

194: ...and a sound mind

Fear. It's powerful in relationships. It's no coincidence that when 2 Timothy 1:7 says that "God has not given us a spirit of fear" that the corollary is His giving us "a sound mind." Because when I am fearful about a relationship, I do not have a sound mind. Obsessive. Overanalyzing. Worried. Stressed. Predicting the future. Jumping to conclusions. Reading into things. Seeing doom. Giving up. And all within hours of the last interaction.

There is no buoyant hope. No steadiness. No waiting to see what will happen next if I let it rest a day in God's hands.

If I squint and cock my head, I can vaguely see the writing on the wall, and even though I have no divine interpreter, I can agonizingly surmise it says, "This person has been weighed on the scales and found wanting; this relationship's days are numbered." The former butterflies in my stomach transform into a knot that drags me under. No more information needed. It's the end. I'm going to bed.

Been there, done that, Lord, please, teach me to have a sound mind.

The other day I was sitting across from a little girl who deals with possessiveness when it comes to friendships. And one of her male friends had been particularly chummy with another person lately. Not good. So as we sat there coloring, she told me resignedly, "So, I think this *her name* and *his name* thing is over." After I got over the humor of hearing a little girl refer to herself in the third person, I started talking to her about how friendships go up and down, and, yes, it's hard when we have to wait. She was like, "I know. It's been TWO days." Inwardly chuckling, I replied, "And it feels like FOREVER." But it's not. It's hard to wait. It's really hard. But things will change. (I may have even promised her chocolate if it doesn't . . . I don't always have wisdom when interacting with kids.)

I know firsthand how hard it is to wait and want a guy and try to surrender him to God and then see him get married and want any guy and get one and lose one and spend months recovering from the loss and wait some more. I literally know emotional pain very well, like the back of my hand, like an old blankie actually.

I also know that God has been there with me in every painful season of my life. He has been so close. I also know that the days upon days that sucked me under were seasons. They did not last. Two days is not forever. A painful day or two (or week) where the anxiety over a guy makes me want to keep sleeping and I'm eating two bowls full of chocolate ice cream and yet my stomach still is in knots? It will not always be like that.

But even if the disappointment is more severe, God has been with me through so much emotional turbulence already, and He's continually taking me back to the basics of who He is as my baseline. He is my baseline. THE baseline, apart from me. My life will have highs and lows. But the Rock does not change. Do you know how much having a sound mind is related to clinging to that Rock and knowing He'll get me through even this, because I've seen Him do it in the past over and over? My memorial stones were agonizingly set, but they are there, witnesses of God's faithfulness.

God has also blessed me with people who listen when I'm hovering at irrational highs and dragging through irrational lows. Sometimes they just listen; sometimes they speak steadiness and insight into my crazy, rubberbanding, emotional self.

Fear. It's powerful in relationships. But God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

During a very hard season,

I played/sang this song over and over.

190: marriage: object or portal, building or frontier

What is marriage? No idea. So this is my rambling.

As a single, sometimes marriage becomes an object. It is something you try to get.

Or we think of it like a portal into another world. You have no idea what the other world is like, but it must be Narnian in its magical qualities.

But we forget--unintentionally, temporarily--the relationship part of marriage.

Edward entered Narnia with his grumpy jealousies and wreaked havoc. Narnia was magical, but they still had to contend with the White Witch. We haven't tried merging our lives with another selfish being--like us.

Marriage is not an object or a portal. It is a building. It looks sturdy and safe and appealing from the perspective of a visitor. But the architect and construction crew know that you don't just say, "I want a beautiful house," and bam! it's there. It takes a lot of planning and starting and backing up and re-figuring, dealing with pipes bursting, and the city finding something wrong with the electricity, and the tile costing more than you planned, and the roofer taking twice as long as promised. On the worst days, you wonder if it was worth the headache to take this on.

Is it worth the labor? Yes. Oh yes. Because then you have a beautiful home that you built. There is pride and satisfaction and shelter.

But it's not an object to snatch up. This building is not up for auction. It's just a piece of land--maybe not even cleared of brush and rubble accumulated from the past. It's a portal into another world, sure--but that world is an untamed frontier you will have to pioneer.

 
Still sound romantic?

Actually, yeah, it does. :D

185: the illusion of nearsightedness

In prep for New Years, I got out my old journals. Last year's entry wasn't interesting (except for the part where I started falling asleep and wrote nonsense), so I began reading other entries and other journals. I found a few entries in one book where I was gushing about a guy. Like, really gushing.

It was rather nauseating. You know why? Because I am no longer interested in him. At all.

But at that time, all I knew was there stood a tiny doorway into a beautiful garden. All I knew was that I couldn't get in there.

"Alice opened the door and found that it led into a small passage, not much larger than a rat-hole: she knelt down and looked along the passage into the loveliest garden you ever saw. How she longed to get out of that dark hall, and wander about among those beds of bright flowers and those cool fountains, but she could not even get her head through the doorway" -Alice's Adventures in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll

I know that I don't see the whole picture, the future. But still, like Alice, I fixate on something (someone) I want and believe that it (a relationship with said someone) would be amazing. Part of that is hope. Part of that is complete nearsightedness.

Of course, despite my nearsightedness, I do know a few things about him and a potential "us", some gathered from direct observation, some from generalizations based on observation. Combine that knowledge with my flittering emotions (which are part chemistry, part natural-born desire for there to be something more), and BAM! *creeeeak* my scope swivels to the target and focuses in, because, as I said, I'm pretty sure this would be amazing if I could only have the chance to pass through the narrow passageway and through the door.

I actually think it's fine that our vision is based in hope and nearsightedness. If we waited to act until we had full knowledge and understanding, nothing would ever happen. Perhaps we often haven't acted enough even. Rebellions are built on hope, after all. Rogue One reference there.

But, facts being facts, we must concede that besides the few character traits we've observed, besides the flutter of emotions, we don't know much else. Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen--that has nothing to do with faith in a potential relationship. There is no virtue to holding on to an imagined amazing relationship by faith. We can pray and crack twigs and make ourselves available, but when it doesn't happen, we really had no idea if we were pursuing a lovely garden or, alternatively, a land filled with queens chopping off heads and slowly vanishing Cheshire cats (and I'm not saying the guy was a closet jerk--I'm saying we don't know what is best for him or for us). Our faith and hope and longing is not for the unseen future husband. It is for the only One who can see the end from the beginning (Is. 46:10), and who gives good gifts to His children (Mt. 7:11).

183: Dear Future Husband (Meghan Trainor's song, revised)

To the tune of Meghan Trainor's "Dear Future Husband"

I hate the original lyrics, but I love the peppiness of the song when we dance to it in Jazzercise. So here are some new lyrics.

 

Dear future husband,

Here's a few things you'll need to know since

You are gonna be my one and only

All my life

 

Know that I will wait

Though it's a long, long wait

'Cause I am trusting in the Lord and His perfect way

'Cause if we trust in Christ 

I'll get to be your wife

Hoping it is soon

Pray-praying it is soon

 

You got that dreamy look

And, baby, I am hooked

But don't be thinking we can do this alone and make it work

We need community,

Spirit in you and me,

And lots of prayer

Listening to God in prayer

 

We gotta know how to ask for good advice,

And we can't give in to strife--

Admit when we're in need

 

Dear future husband,
Here's a few things you'll need to know since

You are gonna be my one and only
All my life
Dear future husband
If we wanna make it through with lovin'

We gotta take our vows

And keep them all our lives

165: Vday and faith

 

"For the Lord is,

He is able

He is faithful

Higher than the mountains that I face

Every season, I will press on

For God alone, is on the throne" (Kari Jobe)

 

Surviving singleness is a lot about faith.

I'm sure every season is about faith, but I'm not walking other seasons, I'm walking the path of singleness, so this is what I know.

I'm surviving (and thriving) this Valentines Day because of faith.

Because I have lived 30 years with my Lord and have grown (at least for this moment) in my trust in Him.

Psalm 135:6 - "Whatever the LORD pleases He does".

He is able, He is faithful. Whatever He purposes, He does. I plant my feet here and declare that what God purposes, He can do. He can do the impossible (ie. getting me married). And I pray for the impossible. I hope for the impossible. I believe in Him and His ability to do the impossible.

This Valentines Day I am not embracing resignation. I am embracing hope. But, more satisfying, I am embracing my Lord, declaring that knowing Him is primary and believing in Him is my peace.

Singleness is about faith. Faith that following Him is more fulfilling and more peaceful than longing after something else ad infinitum to my heart's misery. Believing that if He takes something way it is only because He has something better. He is something better.

Believing that even though I cannot predict the future, control the future, or manipulate the future, I can be excited about what God might do (even if unrelated to my relationship status), because my God does the unthinkable!

"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for,

the evidence of things not seen." (Heb. 11:1)



160: the closing of a chapter, the re-opening of an old one

I'm 30 now.

I'm teaching two grades again. The first month of school I only taught 3rd until I got two new students, both 2nd graders, several weeks in. Last week I lost my favorite student to another school (not that teachers are allowed to have favorite students, but as we spent all of last year as the only girls in the class, we have a special bond). Her first day gone I  felt like my heart was bruised because of her absence. Now I have a total of 4 wonderful students, but we still miss our other girl.


my new co-worker brought me this to comfort
me the day after my break up--hasn't God blessed
me with good friends? :)

Two weeks ago my boyfriend of 6 months and I broke up, mutually agreeing it wasn't going to work out to be more than friends and hoping to go back to being just friends. Afterwards, we kept in touch via text, and it surprised me what a blessing it was to know he was doing okay. I didn't realize how much the pain of a breakup is intensified by my worry about how much I hurt the other person. But because I haven't had to deal with that (much), I've been more sad over not having a place for my heart to settle. I was so sure this was it, despite our differences, and both of us worked so hard to make it work (I think we'll both be able to use that practice in our potential future marriages). I didn't want to have to start all over again with a new person. There are still other hard things--like passing restaurants where we've eaten, or going home instead of running up north to visit, or not having anyone who will care what I choose to wear today.

Then this weekend I flew out to Oregon for a west coast Homeschool Alumni reunion. It was the first time I saw him since our breakup.

It was a miracle. We had all the camaraderie of knowing each other well without any of the awkwardness of wondering if we liked each other or any of the pressure of trying to make this work in a long-term romantic relationship. We both were (just) friends! Which was good, since we drove all the way back from Oregon together in his rented red bug!

driving along 101 in this sporty car!

So now that chapter is definitely closed.

The last six months I've heard the same message over and over, presumably from the Lord. Walk by faith. Hope against hope. Believe He is the God of the impossible and rewards those who seek Him.

After the break-up, I wondered what I was supposed to do with all that now that I had seemingly closed the door on God doing the impossible in our relationship.

Then I started to realize that all those things God seemed to be telling me are still true. My faith and hope and trust are in a Person, not in an outcome. Or, as I see it in my imagination, He is the stable straight line and underneath my life looks like an up and down wiggly line.

So I still believe He is the God of the impossible. I recognize the smoothness of this break up is a miracle! And it's also a miracle that I wasn't an emotional wreck from the lack of sleep I had this weekend! (I stayed up til 4:30 Sunday night/morning playing games and chatting. It was a blast!). These are His blessings, His miraculous, against reason, blessings.

I'm 30 and single again, but I have good friends, a fulfilling job, and hope in a God who can do great things, whether that means marriage or not.

Onward!

His fortune on top, mine on the bottom--oh the irony! May it be so!

159: almost 30

Well, it's been almost a month since I posted!

School starts in a week and a day. The teachers are back, and I have a teacher blog now!

I turn 30 years old on Tuesday! I've been anticipating this birthday for three years, and now it's almost here! I'm so busy getting ready for school though. My mom and a family friend took me to Santa Cruz at the beginning of the month.

garlic fries!

We're celebrating my niece's 16th and my 30th tomorrow as a family, and then next month, after school calms down, I'm getting together with my group of girl friends for food and coloring (hey, we're random).

What have I learned being in a relationship these last 5 months? That I am a sinner, and no manner of idealism can mask that fact. That I'm slow to be sanctified, and there's a reason why Proverbs mentions the dangers of a contentious woman so often: criticism and "drippiness" is a super easy pit to fall into! You can tell yourself your actions are a choice, but you cannot anticipate the emotions that will slam into you and convince you utterly that you are subject to them. I have learned that God has given men an amazing ability to forgive and keep loving.

What would I say to myself a year ago in preparation for being in a relationship? I'm not sure. There is only so much you can do to prepare yourself and so much that you just have to learn through experience. I really don't know if I could learn any of what I'm learning without confronting myself head-on.

I used to wonder when God kept saying "no" to other relationships--I wondered if He would always say no, or if I was misreading Him, if it was me, not Him. I have discovered that, no, He WAS saying no, not because He would never give me a relationship, but because He had something different in mind for me than what I thought was perfect at those times. He was exercising His infinite wisdom.

We serve a God who actually speaks with us. I serve a God who has been with me for some 25 years, Who has put His Spirit within me, who is constant in His presence, and faithful to guide me if I seek Him. Is this not an amazing thing?

I am very content with my life right now. I enjoy living at home, I am excited about teaching, and I have a boyfriend who is God's gift to me.

I suppose this is a good way to begin my 30s.


P.S. Angela Hunt's new book Bathsheba is on its way to me to review! Esther was so good, so I expect this one to be good too!

158: expectations...seriously

That moment when you've been planning to begin your post with a link to an article, and then you check the article again and find the website celebrates the opposite of what you believe about marriage. Ok, so I'm not going to link to the article. Plan B.

Let's look at the quintessential chick flick! I mean the 1995 version of Pride and Prejudice, of course!

We never really get to see Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy's courting relationship because they never really have one. They go from slightly cordial acquaintances to marriage. But because they are truly in love, the expectation is that Elizabeth will never again be bothered by Mr. Darcy's social aloofness and lack of tact, and Mr. Darcy will always find Lizzy's lively wit to be charming. Right? Does this relationship between two very different people take any work at all?

I like this anecdote from the beginning of their actual relationship (post-do-I-like-him drama and pre-riding-off-in-a-carriage marriage): "Elizabeth longed to observe [to Darcy, sarcastically] that Mr. Bingley had been a most delightful friend; so easily guided that his worth was invaluable; but she checked herself. She remembered that he [Darcy] had yet to learn to be laughed at, and it was rather too early to begin." (Chapter 58, Pride and Prejudice)

Me thinks even in this quintessential romance of incandescent happiness, Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy will both need to put some work into it.

All that to say, even though I'm not Lizzy, I am in a relationship that is taking work. And cultural expectations poke at me every day saying, "It shouldn't take this much work. It should be easy. It should be all romance and smiles." And some days, when I'm feeling very logical, I reply, "No. I am building a relationship. Relationships take time and work and learning about another person." And other days I accept the cultural expectations, fall into Eeyore-esque feelings, and wonder, "Am I wrong? Is this wrong?"

I didn't realize how strongly outside expectations would affect how I view my relationship. When I get annoyed with my boyfriend, I worry. When we are on different communication channels, I worry. When he says something innocuous and my mood flips and I emotionally shut down, I worry. When I get home, think back on the day, and remember that he is different from me, I worry.

Because no one asks a girl, "How is your relationship going?" expecting to then receive the reply, "It's moving forward, but it's work!"

People worry if you say your relationship is taking work.

Brrrrhh! Wrong answer.

They can't tease you. And we all like to tease people.

In case you didn't know, you're expected to say your relationship is "Great! Wonderful! Amazing!" and burst into gleeful giggling and blush a becoming hue of pink.

Is it okay if a relationship takes work?

Every day I mentally interact with unstated expectations of ease and effortlessness.

Every day--as God leads and my umph holds--I refuse  to let that expectation kill what could end up being a beautiful, fun, enduring relationship, built on a sturdy foundation because we are currently working on it.

P.S. I do think that if a dating relationship is more work than enjoyment, it's probably not healthy.

156: hands open

So recently I embarked on a relationship. No, not with my dog. With a real, human man. Because I have had less than successful experiences previously, and because those experiences included not listening to the Lord and not always enjoying my relationships, I have been praying a word picture the last couple weeks.

Lord, my hands are open to You. I am willing for You to take this away if that's Your will. But I also pray that my hands would be open to receive from You the blessings of this relationship.

Well, this weekend while I was heading to a singles retreat in Oregon (I know, I know, not "exactly" single, but I signed up for this before I knew things would change!), I struggled with worry. Thankfully the girls I was going to carpool with had got a late start from Portland, so I sat in my car in Corvallis, eating an amazing spinach florentine bagel with chive and onion schmear and spending much needed time with the Lord.

This is what I learned.

When I begin to worry, my hands close into fists. I try to cling to the relationship, fearful that the Lord will take it away (which in the past has always been my greatest fear). Simultaneously though, I am worried that it might not work, so my hands close and keep me from receiving fully from the Lord the pleasure from being in relationship with another person. I walk the line--half in, half out.

In other words, when I worry, I don't get any benefit at all! I lose out on blessings, and I am less surrendered. It's a lose-lose situation.

Lord, keep my hands open to You!

Devil's Churn, Ore.

"I am well pleased with thy will, whatever it is, or should be in all respects,

And if thou bidst me decide for myself in any affair,

I would choose to refer all to thee,

for thou art infinitely wise and cannot do amiss,

as I am in danger of doing.

I rejoice to think that all things are at thy disposal,

and it delights me to leave them there."

--"God the All," Valley of Vision

153: the pressure of one

"And after all, Marianne, after all that is bewitching in the idea . . . of one's happiness depending entirely on any particular person, it is not meant -- it is not fit -- it is not possible that it should be so." (Sense and Sensibility, chapter 37)

Bewitching indeed! How many hopes and dreams have I at times pinned on THAT one person? "He will _____," and fill in the blank, depending on the cavity of my life at that moment.

I had a realization the other day. Really, it's pretty obvious, it just has taken me awhile to get there. I realized I can actually appreciate another man for his talents or his personality without it being a love interest or hoping my future husband has the same qualities. (Duh, right?) Like, my husband doesn't have to be all things from all men. He can be himself, and I can enjoy the diversity of other people in the body of Christ.

I marvel at all the people God has put in my life, and the many happinesses they bring me.

I look forward to spending the day around my coworkers, one a woman married for many years, the other a woman a few years older than me who is engaged. They are not only my fellow teachers, but my friends. I open my classroom door to go make copies before class, and my little Ethiopian boy with the cutest personality ever has just arrived and offers me a hug. Later on, my socially-aware Chinese girl strides into the classroom late, smelling of perfume (she's only 8).

At the end of the day, I heft my school bags through my parents' front door and two little dogs (they're kinda like people, right?) greet me like they haven't seen me in weeks. My Bella wiggles her behind with her "baby" (stuffed animal) in her mouth, jumps on my bed, and whines happily as I scratch her ears.

My phone dings with an absolutely random text message from a crazy pal. A friend from out-of-state calls me for an update. I get an e-mail from a friend from out of the country.

And then, on top of all these and much more, God gives me Himself. In HIS presence is fullness of joy and at HIS right hand are pleasures forevermore. Joy dims to grasping for a feeling if I am not first hidden under His wing.

I have many blessings through  many individuals.

Can a dog or students or coworkers replace the place of a husband? No, that's not God's design.

And yet.

I cannot pin all my happiness on one person. I know me. I know it would end in disaster. It puts too much pressure on the one relationship.

One man, even the most important man in my life, even the man with whom I share everything and for whom I vow "til death do us part," is not supposed to fill the place of my parents or my girl friends or every member of the body of Christ.

So I thank God for the many relationships in my life. I thank Him for the happiness I get from all the little instances around me. I put Him first in the order of where I derive peace of heart. And no matter if a man be in my life, I want to remember to balance that relationship with the other valid relationships in my life.

I am blessed.


Excerpts from two of my students' recently finished make-believe stories:

"Mmm," said Michelle as she sniffed her cup of coffee. She went in the kitchen to get a snack. But when she saw a cat at the window. "Pss," said Michelle. The cat jumped into the house and bumped over Michelle's ring on the ledge. Michelle got angry and the cat jumped out side.

"Oh no," cried Michelle. She went to see the mess. On the ledge were scattered diamonds. It was her favorite ring because her boyfriend gave her it . . . . 

When Michelle woke up her boyfriend was at the door with something behind his back. Then her boyfriend showed her what was behind his back. When Michelle saw the ring she was soooooo surprised that she hugged and squeezed him. "I love you and you're the best," said Michelle. The End.

~*~

Jake is a polar bear that lives on Polar Bear Island. Jack is a person that went to Polar Bear Island for the summer. On the plane ride to Polar Bear Island, Jack thought he was talking to a kid. But... he was really talking to Jake. Jack did not know. Then Jake put his head in to the water to get fish. Jack said "a talking polar bear! I will capture the polar bear to be rich!"

. . . Jake said, "Why are you trying to capture me?" "Why do I want capture Jake anyway? What a fool am I," Jack said. Jake said, "Yup you are a fool." The moral of the story was it doesn't matter how much you have."

138: break-up paralysis

I wanted to message him. I wanted to ask his advice about something.

But we hadn't spoken for 4 days now (yes, I was counting), and if we could manage not to message each other, then the break would be definite, the confusion would ebb, the pain wouldn't reconvene.

That's always the hardest part for me: termination of contact. I get into the habit of having someone to talk to. I build a relationship. To make that constant interchange end, not naturally but by force, is, well, sometimes impossible for me. At the very least painful and difficult. You know, miserable.

So sometimes I don't. I drag it on, talking to the person I should take a vow of silence for. I prolong the pain, postpone the inevitable, invite disaster into my life.

Break-up paralysis. When you need a fairy sitting on your shoulder every moment of the day saying, "Just say no!"

Or the Lord teaching you to submit to wisdom so the fruit of self-control can grow stronger in your life and thus serve you in all areas of life for the rest of your life.

135: relationships

On an impulse the other week I deleted my profiles on Christian Mingle and eHarmony. I haven't regretted it. But lately I've found myself wanting to type in the link...and I have...only to find I have no username to type in anymore, no profile to log into.

It amazes me how my world has expanded because of guys I've met online, even if we never went on a date.

Through one guy I was introduced to a dear friend and a huge group of people who I now know better than I do him. Another guy went on to join long-time friends of my family's in ministry--people he didn't even know when we were corresponding. He is now in love with a girl he met through that ministry. Another fellow who I actually did go on a date with is pursuing a girl from out of state and they seem smitten. Seeing photos of them on Facebook makes me happy because he deserved a good match.

I think back to Stephan, a guy I became friends with though we never met. We knew we were just friends from the beginning, not more, despite meeting on Christian Mingle. We enjoyed talking til our subscriptions expired. No romance spoils my memories of our several month cyber friendship. It was good to just have a friend.

Another fellow let me correspond for 3 months before saying we didn't have enough in common (even though we hadn't even met), but because of him I started watching Doctor Who. Is that a good or a bad thing? XD

When I think of Tony--a fellow several years older than me from the to-me romantic state of Wyoming, I feel warm inside. I know, I know, that sounds weird. Even though I had to tell him no way (he was pretty extreme in his beliefs and shunned accountability), he didn't get nasty like some people might when someone strongly disagrees with them. Instead he told me what a wonderful, intelligent woman I was even though it wasn't going to work. How can I not have fond recollections of that brief acquaintance?

It is never a bad thing to love more, whether it be a dog or a friend or something longer lasting. It is never a bad thing to let people into your life, however briefly. It is never a bad thing to get to know your neighbors, near or far.

Online dating did that for me. I'm probably not going back, but I leave it a fuller person.

one of those hilarious things you see on FB

126: good guys

I spent this weekend with some really good guys, in person and via a Homeschool Alumni Skype chat.

Does that mean I'm interested in every single one of them because they are really good guys?

No. Because . . .

~Some guys have very different theological beliefs than I do.

~Some guys have different preferences/convictions than me, and I'm not comfortable altering my preferences/convictions to create a cohesive life together in the future.

~Some guys I enjoy their personality in a friendship but wouldn't want to be married to it.

~Some guys I'm not physically attracted to (although "attractiveness" in my mind is directly linked to personality as well).

I have six general things I look for in a guy (not necessarily in this order): Do I like him? Could I love him? Do I enjoy him? Can I trust him? Do I respect him? Will he be a spiritual leader?

I might enjoy and trust and respect a guy. But I cannot control whether I "like" him romantically (this drives me nuts sometimes). Or I might like a guy, but theologically I cannot go there.

That does not negate the fact that there are some genuinely good guys that I am proud to know and be friends with!

The Alamo...guess what we've been studying in class?

And that doesn't negate the fact that some of the good guys I know I could like and love if asked to go there with them!

123: surprise! and a summary

When it comes to guys, I'm a list checker offer and a box fitter inner. I've never been good with the "you're marrying a person, not a list" counsel. But I've been working on it. I really have! I think I'm getting better at it too. And I think I'm finding it's more enjoyable this way. Imagine that!

I'm not very fond of surprises though. I worry when I'm getting to know a fellow that some unforeseen info about him will pop out, or the counselors in my life will discern something unhealthy, and without warning my image of who he is will crumple in upon itself and everything be ruined. That what I know of reality will be altered with a single word. That new information will tug me toward the black hole of bewilderment, despair, and, finally, dismissal of my fellow.

So, while I'm trying to be more gracious and think of prospects as holistic human beings instead of check boxes, I still fear what I will find out as I get to know them, ie. that he whom I'm emotionally invested in might not be who I thought he was.

Solution? Well, still working on that. But perhaps a solution would be thinking of a guy as a whole and ask myself whether incoming new info defines who he is or is just a deviance from the normal good will of his heart and upright character of his life.

That means I have to know a fellow and spend enough time with him in person to trust his heart. Which is why online dating and long distance relationships are not going to work for me. I need to see the 3D person in action, not black words on a white screen telling me who he thinks he is.

random picture from my school year

To summarize this series of fears, with God's help I'm working on overcoming the fear of what others might think of me, the fear that I'll turn fickle as soon as I get into a relationship, and the fear of finding out something horrible about the fellow in my life.

So, I need to keep working on killing my pride, having faith in God to get me through my scared emotions, depending on Him as my faithful Lord and Rock no matter how earthly reality might change, and having courage to move forward despite my worries!