Saturday, October 26, 2013

62: a long post about moving out

Well, I had mentally closed down this blog. Christian Mingle account expired, eHarmony account a month out from expiring, 'bout worn out the topic, time to give it a rest.

But sometimes blogging is not about being heard but about being written.

I'm moving out! I'm two years til 30 and a very convenient stepping stone has opened up quite suddenly where I can move in with a couple girls from church, still live in town, still have my parents care for my dog while I'm at work, and still get to move into a house, not just a room somewhere.

I sit here on my unvacummed carpet in my cluttered room. This room has been mine for 28 years. And now I'm leaving it.

Well, somewhat. Am I really moving out, or am I just residing somewhere else temporarily?

I find as I sit here half lesson planning and half playing Candy Crush (because I am overwhelmed with school right now and so my solution is to waste time?) that I have not thought of this move as permanent. In fact, I am thinking of it as very temporary.

Actually, my time at this house may be very short as the other occupants have future plans bearing down on them and once we are all cycled through the owners are going to sell.

So will I move back home when that happens? Or is this a springboard for permanently moving out?

Another friend of mine moved out, settled down, and then due to job changes, had to move back home.

Will that be me?

Because as I sit here not quite realizing that I really will be moving OUT, out, out, I'm considering that I might do tutoring again next year, which will result in a pay cut (from full-time teaching), and I think, but no, now that I won't be living at home, I actually will have bills to pay and will need a good job, and I remember that that is why I'm doing this, not for convenience or fun, but to take the next step toward adulthood before I'm 30, and that step includes the perpetual stress all adults acquire of paying rent/mortgage.

I mentioned the other day my prayer that, God, if this is Your will, You're going to have to provide. My mom's response was, well, no, He doesn't have to.

I suppose His will could be sending me back home or to a smaller place.

As it is, I'm going to trust that, yes, if this is His will, He will provide.

Then there's the whole thought that this is temporary because I'm not quite ready to think of myself as a 30+ single adult living on my own minus that permanent life partner.

I'm becoming more content with the idea, but it's a contentment that carries with it inner turmoil of longing. So, contentment? Hardly. Realization that I have done it this long and that I'm not alone if I have God. Yes, perhaps. Spurts of begging God that I won't be alone in my old age? Yes.