278: Unstoppable Growth

In my backyard is a hedge. I have no idea what it is called. I have no idea how long it has lived there. When I moved in, it was a full bush, but contained. In the last
month or so it has become a determined monster, stretching tendrils out into the air, not even caring when it can't find anything to latch on to, but claiming the nearby tree it did find with a vengeance. On Saturday, I cut back some of the reaching hands. There were tendrils that had intertwined with other tendrils, strengthening into cords. I really emotionally hesitated trimming the plant back. Such dogged persistence should be awarded, not hacked away with scissors. I made sure the cuttings got inside the yard & garden bin and weren't able to latch on to the nearby oleander. I had no doubt that, even trapped inside a plastic bin, one of those vines could latch on to a host tree and begin growing its dominion again.

Meanwhile, my pansies are more temperamental. On the porch? Shriveled. Under the backyard tree? Gasped for life. On the chairs next to the house? Nearly died. Under the front yard tree? Happy! But even then, as the summer heart intensifies, I'm fairly certain they will wither again, permanently this time.

Our spiritual lives--our affections--our response to God's pursuit--are we more like the determined green tendrils, always pushing forward, or are we more like the pansy, needing the conditions to be just right to meet with the Lord, always on the edge of wilting? Different seasons, different levels of strength, right? Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it; prone to leave the God I love.

There is grace to take whatever level of strength we have right now and, not compare ourselves to a different plant, but take what we do have and push a bit deeper. And then a bit deeper still. To make another hard but necessary choice. To stay a little bit longer in silence, in the Word, in prayer. Until one day we can look back, see our growth, and praise God for His preservation when we were weak.

253: my own little corner and a bit of an overview about life

I love my bedroom.

I love the Paris themed mini set of drawers on my desk where I keep my Flair pens and Sharpies. I love the dried rose that I think came from a singles event, though I could be wrong, and the mini Eiffel tower sitting on top. I love my Farmers' Market themed calendar against my aqua colored wall and the typography done by a college friend's sister that says "Beginnings are always messy" sitting on a bright yellow painted piece of plywood with a glittery pineapple ornament from the friend that hosted my Hawaii adventures last year sitting next to it. I love the random pieces of furniture that do not match but are my own style. I love that this year off I was finally able to learn to have a place for everything and put everything back in its place. It took 34 years for that skill to finally find residency in my psyche but here we are.

I love that even though I am living at home and between full time jobs, I feel settled. I feel settled spiritually, emotionally, physically. Not permanently glued, but less shifting sand, less up and down on the turbulent waters. Who knows what tomorrow will bring, right? But there's the blessed stability of having experienced enough of life and God to be a little less caught up by the uncertainty of the future.

The rug might be pulled out from me next week. And I still have so many questions about the future and the present. And I'm not satisfied with everything about how I live my life. But should we be? Shouldn't we always be striving for improvement?

But for now, I am happy, thankful, and wouldn't revoke this year at home in the least. I'm thankful for my 30s, even though, man, that big 40 just gets nearer.

Lord, that I might not just be settled and happy but that I may truly fulfill Your purpose for me and be willing to take any risk that that may require.

My writing job is going well too. I regularly write both fiction and non-fiction, which means I am always researching something new, or writing about something I'm listening to in an audio book. I love research! I love culling info into a small non-fiction piece that, hopefully, captivates the reader's interest. My writing boss says she loves my work--yay--so I keep plugging away until I hear otherwise.

Meanwhile I help my mom babysit my great-nephew twice a week. He's into trains. I don't think I mentioned it on here, but a couple years ago I was told an incoming student was big into trains. I ended up buying two train books--one the ULTIMATE train book with photos and info about all the trains in history, and the other an historical picture book about people heading west by train. Well, my student ended up changing his fandom to dragons, and the books sat there until I went and snagged them from my class library this year and brought them back home for my great-nephew to enjoy. It warms my heart so when he goes and grabs one of the train books from his little area in my room. I feel like my friend who's a boy-mom--I'm learning more about these mechanical things than I would ever have otherwise!

My great-niece and I have been spending time more regularly together. She's a hard nut to crack, but I think I'm finally enjoying her blessed insides, lol. Twice now she and I have served dinner at Salvation Army together. She is so brave (despite squeezing my hand as we pass homeless people) and so efficient and responsible in serving food! Twice now she has previewed my writing and made notes on which passages are boring and which are not. I needed the perspective of my target audience! And every time I pick her up from school she wants frozen yogurt! I think it's only going to get worse as the weather warms up. Unfortunately her great-aunt is an ice cream fanatic too!

My mom likes that I am not stressed out, that I am relaxed. And that I'm around. She likes the company.

I haven't done much major traveling because of my year off. I wash my car more by hand now, lol. I know that's kind of random to insert here, but it seemed like something I should do instead of always paying money to go through the drive-thru when I could save money by just exerting a little work and time. One of those homey chores I avoided until I had time this year to reevaluate.

And now I'm just scraping the bottom of the barrel for things to say. So, until next time I stop by, adieu.

Books Finished in 2019

55 finished; 26 nonfiction; 31 audiobooks

Unveiling Grace by Lynn K. Wilder - a great audiobook about a family's journey through and out of Mormonism; very informative about life as a Mormon; inspiring to hear Jesus and the Gospel exalted

Joy by Abigail Santamaria - an audiobook about C.S. Lewis' wife; definitely gritty in its biographical realism

Nine Months with Cerian: Perfectly Human by Sarah C. Williams - one woman's journey through a pregnancy that she knows will end in death but how life is valuable no matter what

The Dime That Lasted Forever by Rochunga Pudaite - the true story behind the man in Beyond the Next Mountain, a missionary movie I watched often growing up; definitely inspiring spiritually; I read this in Hawaii! It helped turn my heart more towards the Lord.

Where the Fire Falls by Karen Barnett - a fictional story set in Yosemite National Park and Camp Curry

A Song Unheard by Roseanna M. White - the 2nd novel in an historical fiction series about a family of thieves who turn to Christ and fall in love; great story

An Hour Unspent by Roseanna M. White - the 3rd novel in the above series

Ember Rising by S.D. Smith - absolutely fantastic series with an amazing narrator; this book was more violent than the preceding two installments

The Hardest Peace by Kara Tippets - written by a woman who was dying

Party of One by Joy Beth Smith - a book about singleness by a single who really seems to have her finger on the pulse of today's singleness

The Jungle Book - I finally read the book the Disney movie was based on...it's nothing like the movie :-P I really enjoyed it and the accompanying other short stories, especially Rikki Tikki Tavi

Mission Impossible by Marilyn Laszlo - missionary story of a lady who never married and who devoted her years to translating the Bible in Papua New Guinea; worth re-reading

No One Ever Asked by Katie Ganshert - a novel that explores prejudice; worth re-reading

Around the World in 80 Days - another classic; twas different than expected; he just goes from place to place and doesn't experience much of the world!

Between Silk and Cyanide by Leo Marks - funny and terribly interesting account by a WW2 codebreaker but with a ridiculous amount of language and crude humor; do not recommend

Glorious Weakness by Alia Joy - a meandering memoir/Christian living by a blogger I used to follow who used to be a missionary kid, is half-Asian, is bipolar, and I think is a social justice advocate?; I'd like to re-read it

Unplanned by Abby Johnson - the story of one woman's journey into and out of Planned Parenthood; riveting

Monuments Men by Robert Edsel - true story of tracking down and reclaiming art stolen by the Nazis; a bit long-winded but very interesting

These are the Generations by Mr. and Mrs. Bae, published by Voice of the Martyrs - the story of a family from North Korea and how the Gospel filtered through down to each generation despite the absence of Bibles, etc.; definitely informed and sparked my interest about North Korea

A Heart Set Free by Janet S. Grunst - an audiobook novel narrated by Cecily White about a woman who comes over by ship to the frontier of Virginia; similar to Love Comes Softly

A River in Darkness by Masaji Ishikawa - the true story of a South Korean who was taken to North Korea as a boy and later escaped; a hopeless story because he was without Christ

Hiding in the Light by Rifqa Bary - the true story of a Muslim girl who becomes a disciple of Jesus while living in a Muslim family; absolutely inspiring

Far Side of the Sea by Kate Breslin - a mystery/romance novel set during WW1

The Butterfly Effect by Andy Andrews - super short story about how any one person's life has a huge effect

True Love Dates by Debra Fileta - a relationship book that was really good

The Insanity of God by Nick Ripken - crazy accounts of how Christians remained faithful under persecution from the perspective of a missionary searching for answers

The North Side Gang by Charles River Editors - short book about Chicago history/Al Capone's rival gang

Educated by Tara Westover - the depressing memoir of a 30 something year old's journey out of a family who isolated themselves from society, government, education, and medicine

The Great Fire by Jim Murphy - a short but intriguing book (published by Scholastic) about the Great Chicago Fire; totally interesting

Jane by the Book by Pepper Basham - a romance novel; interesting writing; see books by same author below

Blink by Ted Dekker - a re-read; this is the novel I say taught me to think differently about the theological debate about if God knows the future, do we have choice

A Summer of Dreams by Elizabeth Camden - this novella introduced me to a new favorite fiction author

Beyond All Dreams by Elizabeth Camden

From This Moment by Elizabeth Camden

With Every Breath by Elizabeth Camden

Toward the Sunrise by Elizabeth Camden - and then there were no more audiobooks on my library app and I was ready for a break from her style

Annie Oakley: Woman at Arms by Courtney Ryley Cooper - a biography written by a contemporary; very interesting; Annie Oakley was an interesting and noble woman

Number of Love by Roseanne M. White - a novel that picks up where the series mentioned above by the same author left off; I love this character--she thinks differently than most--she thinks in numbers

Argo: How the CIA and Hollywood Pulled Off the Most Audacious Rescue in History by Antonio Mendez and Matt Baglio - that subtitle definitely overdramatized this true account of how a few were rescued during the Iran hostage crisis; still, very informative (though I zoned out a bit at the beginning--it was slow to get to the action) about a time of history I knew nothing about; don't recommend (language)

Second Impressions by Pepper Basham - novel; do not recommend; Christian fiction where characters toy with temptation

Facade by Pepper Basham - novel; decided not to read this author anymore 

Little Women by Louisa May Alcott - wonderful re-read; highly recommend ;)

Now and Then and Always by Melissa Tagg - mystery and romance novel with plaid shirts and an inn that needs rescuing

Ring of Secrets by Roseanna M. White - romance, spy novel

50 Children by Steven Pressman - true story of how a Jewish couple in the States fanangle the impossible and bring 50 children from Nazi Germany and Austria over to America, fighting United States immigration laws the whole way; completely new information to me; oddly similar to today's immigration issues (not taking a stance with that statement, but the similarities made me pause and compare the two)

A Moveable Feast by Ernest Hemingway - my first Hemingway; LOVED his style; the book was a bit of a pointless ramble; the ending was so so sad in its acknowledgement of the destruction of giving in to temptation unrepentedly

The Apartment Next Door by William Andrew Johnston - a bit of a fun old mystery novel narrated by Cecily White

Hidden Love by Cara Putnam - a novella with too much romance for me (physical attraction, etc.); a bit of mystery (with unsatisfying conclusion) and a geocaching journey

Fragments of Fear by Carrie Stuart Parks - WHOAH! my first novel by this author and a head spinner

Formula of Deception by Carrie Stuart Parks - came back for more! Not as good as the other but still whoah!

Carry Me Home by Dorothy Adamek - a novel set on the Australian frontier about a mail-order bride whose fiance dies upon her arrival and who lives with a man and his daughter to take care of the daughter but she doesn't know that the fiance made the man promise to marry his mail-order bride before he died

The Great Escape by Paul Brickhill - a long-winded but very interesting account of how POWs in WW2 tried to escape multiple times

A Cry from the Dust by Carrie S. Parks - another intense novel about Mormon terrorists

The Reluctant Duchess by Roseanna M. White - I think this was a re-read for me; the 2nd in a series; God tells a man to marry a woman from Scotland; romance and mystery; intense because the woman was violated prior to her marriage

The Greatest Gift by Ann Voskamp - her Christmas devotional; I made it through the all the days this time!

245: the honest truth of why I'm taking a year off teaching

I was visiting my friend Bethany, the younger-than-me-but-basically-a-peer wife and mother that I used to teach with. She was prepping dinner for us, and I was hanging around awkwardly in the kitchen, probably trying to change the subject from my not-quite-thriving love life (her favorite topic). (Her favorite advice consistently is "Ask him out!" no matter how many miles away the guy lives.)

So, we were hanging in her kitchen (this is a short story gone long), and I noticed some Young Living Thieves. I can't remember if it was the oil or the cleaner, but I made some comment about how my mom uses that too! She asked if she uses the pre-mixed cleaner or...again, cannot recall the exact conversation. The POINT of this anecdote is that I did not know, because I'm not the one that uses it, and I'm not the one at home cleaning with it.

Fast forward to prepping the brussel sprouts for our dinner. Apparently you chop off the ends and take off the outer leaves. This I did not know. This was my first time prepping brussel sprouts. Now, I could tell you that my mom makes really good brussel sprouts with pepper and lots of salt on a sheet pan in the oven until the outsides are crispy and black. But I had no idea how to prep them. Because I've never done it. My mom does that.

And it was in those moments, standing in my friend's kitchen, feeling all the swirl of inferiority because I'm behind my married peers in these areas of housekeeping and homemaking, battling to remind my self-esteem that it is okay, because we are in different seasons of life, and I have my own skills, and my own abilities, and succeed in other areas, that I absentmindedly gazed at the corner of her kitchen as she moved around the room, probably talking, and I realized:

I have the freedom right now to take the next year off teaching and devote time to participating in these homemaking skills.

That was in December I think. With that germ of an idea came a host of other side benefits:

1) I could help my mom out. At that time, she was juggling a million and a half things (most of which were not of her own choosing), and I thought how wonderful it would be to ease her load.
2) I could get to know my mom better. She isn't getting younger, and we barely see each other these days what with me working, and her being an early-to-bed type of person, and both of us having different activities over the weekend. (My dad is not at home during the work day, so I'll see him for relatively the same hours.)
3) I could get to know my great-nephew Josiah (because my mom babysits him twice a week).
4) I could write more and see if that's a viable/enjoyable job.
5) I can be more open to what new ministries God might lead me to get out of my box and participate in.
6) (I can travel without worrying about getting back in time for work.)

But, ultimately, the goal is to become fluent/fluid in cooking by making dinner on a regular basis, and (I've been successfully blocking this goal from my mind) to take over a good chunk of the house cleaning.

To those who think it is kinda rather ridiculous that I have to take a year off to do such a thing, I reply:
1) It is hard to work full-time and then come home and cook. Especially on those nights when you don't come home until later. And your mom has already made dinner. And your dad is hungry.
2) I'm a slow learner--a slow bloomer. Whatever you want to call it, I require time.

To those who say I could pick up all those skills easily if I had to:
1) Yes, I could. I'm a pretty great cook I have been told. But--
2) --I guess I just don't want to be behind my married peers. I don't want to keep saying "one day, when the time comes."

That's what I realized in my friend's kitchen. I don't have to wait. I can do what I want to do now. It is a unique freedom, but it is a freedom I have. Why not avail myself of it while I can?

So, no, I was not let go from my job. No, I am not tired of teaching. No, I am not looking for another full-time job.

Yes, I have had many emotions of fear:
1) at all the free time I will have to be responsible for
2) of all the time at home
3) of not being in a professional environment where I can feel like I'm contributing and being successful as part of a team
4) of not being in my classroom where I call the shots
5) of being with my own emotions all day with nowhere to escape
6) of failing at this experiment

And I keep reminding myself that it's okay if cooking dinner takes a lot of time at first. It is okay to try new recipes that might take more prep or ingredients than I would usually consider worthwhile. Because I am learning. The goal is to become more "fluent," as I like to call it. I remind myself that I am going to really struggle to come up with meals for nearly EVERY DAY. Honestly, how do you married folk do it? And, goodness, how many animals do we go through in a week?? #meateaterdad

So, that's my story. I don't expect people to be supportive, because it's a crazy thing to do, and I'm pretty scared over the prospect, even as I enjoy "summer vacation." If you think of it, pray that I remain self-disciplined and occupied and that God teaches me a whole lot! (I have a whole list of stuff I expect Him to teach me this year :-P). I have no idea what God has planned--He might change my rigid plan. But for right now, it's the home life for me!

244: journaling? moaning? pointless? just saying?

It's a hard season right now.

It's not the hardest. It is a gazillion shades below the hardest.

In fact, I have a hard time looking at others and saying it's hard.

I am tired this week. But how can I confess to my friend who is a mother of three boys, 4 and under, that I--the singleton--am tired? And yet I do. I confess it in a way couched in self-deprecation, "I don't have mom stamina yet. I haven't been gifted with that. I'm tired." And she kindly gives me an out: "emotional exhaustion."

It's hard at work right now. Not the hardest. Second to hardest. :) I was thinking on my drive home from Jazzercise tonight that it is like I am in the ocean, in the water. I keep dropping underneath the surface. And then, I find myself bobbing up above surface again, and I'm not quite sure how I got here, or how long I have been under the waves. I bob up to the surface and feel--not to mix metaphors--like I'm on top of the ball again. But--to go back to the ocean analogy--the whole time my head is above water, the waves keep slapping salt water into my mouth. I am being beaten even while surviving. But how can I complain--or even explain--to anyone? It seems ridiculous to say I cannot juggle xyz when other teachers juggle XYZ. So I say, "I know others do this, and are able to do this, but *I* am struggling."

I am going through personal disappointment. The kind that catches you like seaweed, dragging you along the ocean floor for a bit as you watch the coral and crabs and sea anemones do what they do while you pass by. "Huh. So here we are again. After all that, here we are again." The scenery is very familiar. And I know I won't feel the bite of the coral in my flesh, the abrasion of the sand, the choking of salt water in my eyes for long, but this is my present. No one's fault but my own. Tale as old as time. Moving on.

I know myself well enough to know that, at the moment, I just need sleep. I have "matured" enough to know that my "hard season" is not the end of the world, and that I will face much harder seasons in the future. It is difficult to even SAY I am having a hard season when I look at those around me, and those who have gone before me, who have so. much. more. on their plates than God has given me right now. Like, seriously. What am I complaining about?

I have attainable-ish dreams for my future that excite me. I have nights and weekends when I escape with godly friends, and goodness, I am spoiled. I'm going to Hawaii next month too! I have been reading--oh, SUCH good books (thanks to the motivation of a Facebook Book Reading Competition that I know I won't win, but I'm taking advantage of the fire under me while it lasts). I have health, minimal family drama, job security, etc. etc. etc.

So that's where I am right now I guess. Everyone has something, right? Something good, something hard. I am thankful to my friends who sympathize with me and don't throw their hard in my face as comparison. I hope that I do the same for them.

231: that Christmas spirit

a gift from a parent
during parent/teacher conferences!

So I picked up some December writing prompts, but my students don't have time to do them this month (we have 2 weeks to learn how to take notes for research papers :O), but I thought, hey, maybe I could do them on my blog. Get those writing muscles exercised some more.
December 1 prompt: I am excited for December because...
Well, December is a crazy month. Like, 2 weeks of school craziness, 1 week out of town, 1 week socializing before BAM! back to SCHOOL with Easter break on the distant horizon. I have two Bible college finals to take in the next two weeks, lessons to plan, presents to buy, just stuff, stuff, stuff.

So what am I excited about? That Christmassy feeling. Captured in movies. Bottled as an essential oil. Dark nights, crisp air, twinkly lights, people bustling and shopping. *cue Christmas music*

A feeling. That's what excites me about December. No wonder there is so much stress this time of year. Planting your expectations on a feeling. Like nailing Jello to the wall. Except usually a chilly evening with some Christmas songs will do the trick. Much more attainable--and enjoyable--than gooey walls. The Christmas spirit.

193: reminder to self to not let sin become normal to me

Some more thoughts based off of the Facebook buzz these days:

The world acting like the world is not an excuse to accept it as okay for us. I often hear the phrase "all sin is equal," or a similar phrasing. While I think you could argue from Scripture that that is not accurate, even if it is, this phrase always seems to be used to 1) excuse sexual sin, or 2) point out the hypocrisy of making a bigger deal out of a behavior than an attitude.

But if we are going to argue that all sin is equal, then that should encourage us to become even more sensitive to the evil of sin, and to increase our fear of the Lord. It should not make us timid to take a personal stand against sin in fear that we are casting the first stone and ignoring the plank in our own eye. Our beliefs and convictions are not based on our perfection but God's holiness. It should make us more diligent to personally repent and recalibrate our lives as we see the contrast between God's holiness and our rebellion.

It's as if because we accept that the world is acting like the world, and that our pride is on par to other sins, that we then lay down our battle standards and accept sin as normal. Not just normal to the world. Just normal. Normal to us.

He had to DIE--God in the flesh--and yet we'll let sin entertain us? I bring up entertainment because that's what the conversation is about these days. I'm not talking about making every movie a Christian-themed movie or one where no character acts fallen. I'm talking about when the sin is part of the entertainment. When it becomes part of the turning off our minds and being fed as acceptable what Jesus had to die to deliver us from. When we become okay with that. Living in the world but not of it . . . except when we willingly breathe in the world's values from the comfort of our Christian homes as part of the pleasure of our souls.

I'm not even thinking about dictating to the world what movies should or should not be made, though as consumers we should let our voice be heard. And I'm not talking about "judging the world." I'm referring to when we as confessing believers are tempted to mindlessly submit to, and defend (!!), the world's standard. We do not need to be slaves to what passes as today's entertainment. We serve God Almighty before Whom His created beings cover their faces or fall on their faces crying, "Holy, holy, holy!" That is our standard. We compare what is acceptable to that, not to what is accepted by "good people," or mainstream Christianity, today. God help me.

I write because I am so easily influenced. I so easily take on the flavors and scents of whatever I am around, the opinions of Facebook, of spoken words swirling around me mixed with the culture of the age. I must recalibrate myself to the truth sometimes, drawing the line in the sand even as I struggle to get on the right side of that line.

If sin is sin, then let's treat it as such and not accept it as the world has.

"People are requesting prayer regarding their besetting sins and character weaknesses instead of coming in honesty and humility to God and saying, 'I am constantly tempted to commit this sin because I love this sin. I do not hate it. I need the fear of God. O God, give me a hatred for what I now love. I receive it by faith in Jesus' name.'" --Joy Dawson, Intimate Friendship with God

"knowing this, that our old man was crucified with Him, that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves of sin" --Romans 6:6

P.S. This is not my opinion on Beauty and the Beast. This is my reminder to not let my standards fall in general.

176: why I have a hard time getting rid of books

...in which I delve into the psychological connection between me and my books.

What does my library mean to me?

Like, honestly.

After writing a long, rambling, very probing draft on the subject, here's my rewrite.

My library of 489 books (plus the one I just bought at the Christian bookstore) is my trophy. It is a monument to my perceived self, proof that I am intellectual, that my interests are varied, even if several of the books remain unread, or bookmarked 32 pages in with boarding passes and napkins, or are relicts of my college days.

Owning books is virtuous. Owning good books is even more virtuous. I have imbedded this fact on my psyche and, with it, great pride in my 489 (plus 1) collection.

Maybe it all started with my favorite Disney princess and her love of books

To get rid of a book feels like relinquishing part of who I was or who I want to be. The desire to be a woman who is more than a popular fiction reader, someone who is intellectual and deep and reads classics. And I do love an occasional dip into philosophy or history or Shakespeare! I do! But I'm probably never going to read a 751 page book on John Adams even though I am interested in who he was. And although I bought that still shrink-wrapped book on Sam Houston while at the San Jacinto Monument in Houston, Texas, and therefore have a sentimental attachment to it, realistically I'm never going to read 531 pages on him either. To get rid of a book is admitting that I will probably never pursue that potentially interesting topic.

Counseling interests me, and Seeing With New Eyes is supposed to be a really good book on the topic, but right now, that's not where my interest lies. But it sure looks good on a shelf!

It looks good.

I want to tell you about all the different kinds of books (not just history!) I own just so you'll be impressed with me.

Yet, they are like a weight around my neck.


I am afraid to let books go.

Afraid to let go of the memories--I bought American Women and World War II on the U.S.S. Midway while venturing out on a day trip by myself in San Diego!

Afraid to admit the unvirtuous fact that I like the Basil Rathbone movies better than the Original Illustrated Sherlock Holmes short stories.

Afraid to let go of books that would add greatly to that ideal future homeschool library.

Afraid to close a chapter and say I'm no longer interested in that subject.

That is the salient point:

I am not interested in them right now.

What do I actually read? What if, instead of holding onto books I'm interested in and take pride in and that I bought with great excitement for amazingly cheap prices, what if I culled my library down to what I actually read? It would be far more meager. Maybe not less interesting, but less diverse. Less to boast about. And with some of my favorites now on my Kindle app, not an accurate show-off of what I read.



Is this me, or is this who I think I should be?

What do I actually read? Now. This person today in real life in real time. If I got rid of some of the books I probably won't ever read, would I perhaps find my true self? Who I am now? Would I find something beautiful behind the lie that my identity is wrapped up in the gargantuan amount of looks-impressive-on-a-shelf books I own but don't read? Would I find that I can be an interesting, intelligent, culture-shaping individual without owning 489 (plus 1!) books?

This is my psychological connection to my books. Basically pride and fear.

P.S. After writing this draft, I gathered together 43 books to let go of. I am trying very hard to not let my emotions kick in and change my mind. I also have been reading the new book I bought--because that's what books are for.

174: meshing homeschool and public school expectations

Yesterday and today (mm, it's past midnight, so yesterday and the day before yesterday) I volunteered at a homeschool convention so I could get in free and listen to speakers and buy really cheap books downstairs where all the leftover books from the June curriculum swap are available for donation only. I left with 68 books. . . and with some really good thoughts and ideas shared by the speakers.

I wrote a status on Facebook tonight that seems to accurately encompass my thoughts this eve. I re-post it here so I won't lose it. :)

"I'm thankful I work in a school where my class size is so small and the administration is so flexible that I can implement homeschool-style methods and even be Spirit-led/seize teachable moments. I am thankful that this season of life is the next best thing to being a homeschool mom myself. I am thankful that I can have a job that is fulfilling and encourages creativity and grows skills that I will always benefit from having learned. It's weird though because I feel like I ride the fence between the world of homeschooling (my heritage) and the world of public schooling (our "competition"). Between "let God lead you as to what is best for your child" and "do not be bound by the world's educational goals" on one side and "excellence is following research-based best practices" and "how does this align to state standards or common core?" on the other. Both sound good. Both are good. But they ARE different. They approach education very differently. And then there's my little classroom, where I mesh all the ideas flying in my brain and the voices of both sides telling me what to do, and figure out what I'm capable of doing with my abilities and what I'm expected to accomplish. 3 weeks til I go back."

171: free verse on a summer off work

Three day weekends and summer vacations are always difficult for me. I excitedly anticipate the time off and then hit the hazard button of no schedule. I am a person who thrives on a schedule. And I'm also a person who will lazily stay up til 2am, sleep til 11am, and eat icecream every day if a higher purpose doesn't shake me into a more productive lifestyle.

School ended, I packed, and then off to Boston and Maine I went with a bunch of wonderful people from around the country that I have been building friendships with over the last two years. You know what it's like when you get back from vacation, especially one involving no sleep and seeing people you won't see again for awhile? You start hitting the return-to-normal blues. Combine that with absolutely nothing to do *cough* okay, I guess I could, you know, clean up these piles of clothes and papers, and, ok, lesson plan for history next school year, and, well, there is lots TO do, but nothing that MUST be done. Anyway, it's summer. And with summer comes adjustments. Some of it is glorious--like being able to cook for my family more (during the school year my mom, whose love language is firmly entrenched in "acts of service" makes my breakfast and lunch every single morning; summer is my time to reignite the homemaker in me and be a blessing back) and being able to hang out with my dog, who is currently depressed that I'm still awake but not depressed enough to go slink into the other room where sleeping is happening.

Summer is my opportunity to make wise choices. I'd rather have those choices imposed on me, like in a work schedule. And yet, don't you dare tell me what to do over my summer because I like making my own choices. See? Confusing.

I've been having fun lately journaling some of my thoughts in free verse. So here is my free verse on summer.

Waddle, waddle--Make Way for Ducklings in Boston Common!

Blank spaces
Canvas
Crevices
Where stone stood in solid unity before
Cracked open to allow space
Spread wide to open into summer

Sleep, time, plans
Trips, high, people
Return, restore, amiss
A crevice
A crack between the duties of the year
And the thrill of vacation wanderings
Now in no-man's land
A blank space to be filled.

Thoughts, hopes, habits
Others, conversations, input
Alone, yet not
Full of tasks put off
Yet empty of what is normally done

A canvas splotted with
Haphazard paint

Better, should be better
Summer, should be summer
Intentional, but zombie-ing aimlessly
Like a tumbleweed
Thither I go

Will I find the strength
The fortitude
The wisdom
To pain the canvas of summer well?

Will I rest
Be restored
Find grace and joy and peace
And unique to summer fun
Before the gap closes
And the solid ground of
A school teacher's schedule
Returns?

lobster traps at the end of a pier in Maine

163: fixing people

"In the daily battles of life one can be tempted to give in to depression or fatigue as we see sin and compromising increasing. Yet there is hope. God is sovereign. Nothing is inevitable except what God has decreed. And there is power in prayer." --Peter Hammond, Putting Feet to Your Faith

I see people interact in my life and I cringe. I know what they should say, and I know what they definitely should not say. I know what they should do, and I want to force them not to do what they sound like they are about to do that I know would turn out wrong, wrong, wrong.

I interact with my students, and sometimes my voice raises and hardens as I try. to. make. them. do. what I am asking them to do, and try. to. make. them. stop. thinking about whatever they are thinking about and just learn!!!! (For example, "dogs" apparently are hilarious, especially when pronounced "dawg" and it's been a constant distraction in my classroom since November. Dawg!)

I find myself powerless to make people do what I want them to do. I cannot control other people. I can try, and sometimes I do try, but it doesn't generally work. (Actually, it generally flops pretty badly and sends me repenting to God.)

I cannot fix other people. I cannot force them. I cannot manipulate them to see my point of view, however valid and right.

I am powerless to fix other people. So I must resort to the biggest and only weapon I have--prayer.

 

"The king's heart is in the hand of the LORD,

Like the rivers of water;

He turns it wherever He wishes." (Proverbs 21:1)
 



I can hunker down in the cleft of the Lord and I can pray that the mountains will fall down and miracles will be done and the power of the Lord will bring change.

Because God can fix people, God does fix people, and right now He seems to be "fixing" my tendency to control and manipulate and teaching me how to practice self-control and prayer.

159: almost 30

Well, it's been almost a month since I posted!

School starts in a week and a day. The teachers are back, and I have a teacher blog now!

I turn 30 years old on Tuesday! I've been anticipating this birthday for three years, and now it's almost here! I'm so busy getting ready for school though. My mom and a family friend took me to Santa Cruz at the beginning of the month.

garlic fries!

We're celebrating my niece's 16th and my 30th tomorrow as a family, and then next month, after school calms down, I'm getting together with my group of girl friends for food and coloring (hey, we're random).

What have I learned being in a relationship these last 5 months? That I am a sinner, and no manner of idealism can mask that fact. That I'm slow to be sanctified, and there's a reason why Proverbs mentions the dangers of a contentious woman so often: criticism and "drippiness" is a super easy pit to fall into! You can tell yourself your actions are a choice, but you cannot anticipate the emotions that will slam into you and convince you utterly that you are subject to them. I have learned that God has given men an amazing ability to forgive and keep loving.

What would I say to myself a year ago in preparation for being in a relationship? I'm not sure. There is only so much you can do to prepare yourself and so much that you just have to learn through experience. I really don't know if I could learn any of what I'm learning without confronting myself head-on.

I used to wonder when God kept saying "no" to other relationships--I wondered if He would always say no, or if I was misreading Him, if it was me, not Him. I have discovered that, no, He WAS saying no, not because He would never give me a relationship, but because He had something different in mind for me than what I thought was perfect at those times. He was exercising His infinite wisdom.

We serve a God who actually speaks with us. I serve a God who has been with me for some 25 years, Who has put His Spirit within me, who is constant in His presence, and faithful to guide me if I seek Him. Is this not an amazing thing?

I am very content with my life right now. I enjoy living at home, I am excited about teaching, and I have a boyfriend who is God's gift to me.

I suppose this is a good way to begin my 30s.


P.S. Angela Hunt's new book Bathsheba is on its way to me to review! Esther was so good, so I expect this one to be good too!

152: no change, guaranteed

"You really don't like change do you," my good friend texted me last night.

My church community group re-started after a several month hiatus. After a long day that left me wanting to crawl into bed, I instead dragged myself to the church couple's living room and looked around. Not a soul from my community group sat on all those many chairs and couches. "Where are Matt and Muffy?" I asked, not even picking out the leaders of my group. "Where is everyone? Where are Matt and Muffy?"

I kid you not, I left the room and almost started crying.

Granted, I was exhausted. And the main reason why I had gone was to talk to MY community group about something they had prayed for me about, but now they weren't even here! This was like walking, bedraggled, into what you think is going to be home, and finding a bunch of staring stranger's eyes looking back at you.

Well, I survived, left early, came home and went to bed.

But my friend's assessment stands true: I don't really like change all that much.

A casualty of having never moved maybe?

And yet as I was journaling a prayer tonight, a theme lifted its head and roared like a lion:

MY LORD IS WITH ME ALWAYS.

Maybe that's why I came home today singing, "Your love never fails, never gives up, never runs out on me."

Through all the dispensations of life, You will stay with me.

That's not even a question. God's desire is for me to abide in Him and He promises never to leave or forsake me.

That is the glorious thing about our God. Yes, He gets elbow deep in the grime and drama of our individual lives.

But He also reigns above it all, declaring that I am a child of the kingdom of light and that no one can snatch me out of His hand. He reigns above it all saying that His plan and purposes stand firm. Saying that whether you are being attacked in the Middle East for your faith or sneaking to a house church in Asia or being media-saturated in the West, He is still God and He does not change and His kingdom cannot be suppressed.

Neither death nor life nor angels or demons nor things in heaven nor things on earth nor anything in all creation is able to separate me from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus my Lord.

My life might go wonky, or not, but God won't.

No change, guaranteed.

149: house analogies

not to be confused with tree analogies

Hello!

Here are two different house analogies for you this Tuesday eve. Be blessed!

Build your life on the Rock and your house, oh single woman, will stand firm. You have a house (for real), and if you are building it on the Lord Jesus Christ, even if you're out there hammering on it by yourself, He will make it stand firm--guaranteed that it's not going to be taken away with the next hurricane or tsunami. That's not girl power but God power, for your security and His glory.

"Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself.” (C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity, quoted by my former Writing for Children teacher at BJU on her Facebook page :))

140: If:Gathering quotes, notes, and take-aways

These are various notes I took in my journal while watching If:Gathering with my church. I copy them here for those who couldn't make it and won't get around to watching the sessions online (see link above). The Biblical context for the conference was Joshua.

Interview with Jessica Soward and April Smith
Choosing to believe God for who He is. Because it doesn't end in the ugliness. There's eternity.

His promises will stand. He will continue to be who He is. That's not up for changing. He invites us to believe and hold on to Him.

Jennie Allen
Not just live by faith but "kill this story" of walking by sight.

Angie Smith
living who God intends you to be, the gifts He gave you, and not trying to be someone else. Believe He has you in this season.

Jo Saxton
Joshua and Caleb knew God was willing as well as able.

"The greatest thing about God being your Father is it's His responsibility to get it thru to you."

"His hold on you is greater than your hold on Him"

Rebekah Lyons
"Jesus' fullness is the brightest part of you"

Jen Hatmaker
God asks us into battle when we are not warriors
into hurting fields when we're not healers
Blind to God's ability and too high premium on our ability

faith does not mean you understand the entire scope of God and never doubt

if circumstances means God's character is in question, then we should throw the whole thing out because faith cannot inoculate you from suffering

they were slaves just a few weeks ago
freedom under God's favor was too much to hope for
prefer to stay in bondage because it's familiar and freedom is terrifying

Yes God works thru captivity and uses wilderness for good, BUT He is a promise-land God.

"Give your heart permission to trust Him."

faith isn't about us man-ing up but how we think about God

Shelley Giglio
God is painting on something larger than the little picture I can see

Ann Voskamp
He absorbs the quakes of your fears

Compare our race to other women's races instead of running for Him

There is no wow encounter with God until there is a woe encounter

"Faith is really faith when we believe God for the unbelievable."

Christine Caine
Joshua 1 - Moses is dead - what are you trying to hang onto that is dead? He blessed that then but that season is over. The enablement of the Spirit is not on that anymore. "If the horse is dead, dismount."

Unhealthily loyal to the past

Letting a little section of your past define years of your life

Eph. 2:10 I'm here to do the works God had already prepared for me.
We don't have a story apart from God's church.

Joshua had to lay down his life to bring in all the people with him into the Promised Land

He didn't know he'd be the Joshua. He had no platform. Your serving prepares you for what God has already planned for you. God ins't going to say Get ready unless we're already ready

Chasing a platform instead of serving

Service is the key to destiny

Service prepares you for the battle not performance

Joshua 1:8 pep rallies and Hallmark movies will not keep you--keep Word of God on your mouth and in your mind day and night

Laura Sobeich
We are here, in the present, and God gives us the grace we need right now.

Bianca Olthoff
Impossible situations are not intimidating to our God.

Joshua 6:2 God speaks here in past tense about a future non-occurence as yet. Just because God promises does not mean you possess it.

God wants us to be faithful even when nothing happens.
"I need you to walk it out even when it's not working out."
Does not mean our faith isn't working
"Results are God's responsibility; response is ours."

"Life doesn't tell us when things end" We don't know how close we are to the finish line! to the end of this season

Christy Nockels music
"against all hope
help me hope
against all fear
draw me near"

"pry our fingers from the earthly"

134: a week in the life of (illustrated edition)

From Friday night to Friday night, hailing back to those days when I used to journal about life instead of solely my mental ramblings.

Friday night (1/9): I stayed at work til almost 8pm helping the kinder/1st teacher (who is also a dear friend) put together our "Discovering Worms" tri-folds for Monday's science fair.

I came home exhausted to a very happy dog who proceeded to go out to my dad's office and contentedly chew on the rack of antlers he brought home for her from one of his hunting trips a few months ago. Then I made lunch for the next day: two Trader Joe's flatbread rounds filled with smooshed avocado, vinegar, salt and pepper, feta cheese, peels of carrot, cabbage, cilantro, browned pine nuts, and sauteed onions. Cuz that's what was in our refrigerator.

Saturday: I went on a Homeschool Alumni hike with three other people. The switchback trail was closed so we went up, up, up to the summit and, amazingly, didn't die from not being able to breathe because of the steep walking. At the top I sat down and gazed at this:

And thought solitary thoughts like:
This will always be here. I can always come back and see this beauty.

Even though I was with a girl friend on the drive home, I definitely had the single blues about going home after a socially fun day to . . . nothing. But, my mom had made a delicious meal of salad and lentil burgers and then she watched a Doctor Who episode with me and listened to me cry and talk out my blues like I haven't done with her in awhile. It was really nice. Proper mom-talks are nice.

Sunday: I went to church and sat in my darkened corner of the 3rd pew on the right like I have for the last four years (2nd/3rd/4th pew, depending). But lest you feel bad for me, I sit by myself so that I don't have to scramble every Sunday for someone to sit with, which would be far, far worse than having my own little corner where I belong. This Sunday I realized that the couple who sits in front of me probably didn't know I was there last week since I had sat with my community group leaders on the left hand side in the middle last week for a change.

I was craving pizza and had brought my '50s espionage novel with me, so after service I went to Round Table, sat in a comfy booth, spread out my novel and my phone with incoming texts and FB messages from two blessings of friends, and enjoyed the buffet. I was afraid it might be miserable and lonely, but I chose to do it, to brave it, and actually, it was quite enjoyable. Just how I wanted it to be! Relaxing. Thank You, Lord.

In the afternoon I walked two miles with my hiking friend because both of our muscles desperately needed stretching. Desperately.

I also had another talk with my mom. I asked her "Am I still sweet?" and although she didn't answer "yes, of course," her answer was real and very encouraging.

And I exchanged lots of texts with my crazy novel-writing friend.

Monday: Another day back at school where I was dragging and felt completely unmotivated (still recovering from Christmas break). But our science fair boards looked great!

Tuesday: I felt myself hunkering down emotionally. In a good way--a re-energizing way. I went out to frozen yogurt with a friend and then took a needed late evening trip to Target. I had told the kids I would get them M&Ms. $20+ later and my friend and I weren't even out of the dollar section! It was great! I rarely go out at night these days but this was a treat.

I may have gone a little overboard

Wednesday: Second day of spirit week at school. Theme: Animal Day. I dressed up as a cat--and I don't even like cats!--which meant I got to wear pajamas all day. Yes! :-P

For dinner my parents and I went out to Thai food--my mom's favorite--to celebrate her birthday a few days early.

Thursday: We finished a semester of history (sans the last test and learning about MLK Jr Day, which was saved for the next day). We finished the Civil War! The kids also wrote book reports on Who Was Harriet Tubman? which I had spent the last couple weeks reading to them. Do you know how aggravating it is when kids don't listen to your instructions and either just copy off the board all the fragments you had written as possible topic sentences and say, "I'm done!" or have absolutely no idea what they're supposed to do because they weren't mentally present when you explained it in detail, more than once? Yeah...

But we did do this cool mini-craft to end our unit. The North and the South as a broken heart, now healing:

And then the other two elementary teachers and I stuck around and had a planning meeting about our elementary show in May. Last year we did a Seussical Sensational Show. . .which turned out rather sensational! This year we're trying to do a silver screen/b/w stage theater something theme.

Friday: End of the semester tests and assessments. Chapel. Every other week Spanish class as taught by the highschool Spanish class. Last spirit week rally. Learning about MLK Jr. It was one full school day before a three day weekend! One of my favorite parts was lining up my Ethiopian student, blonde haired/blue eyed student, and Chinese student for a photo with their "I Have a Dream"/Martin Luther King Jr. pictures. "I have a dream that... little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls as sisters and brothers." Definitely true in my class.

Then I got to have dinner with a teacher friend and we went to my school's homecoming game! It was SUCH a pleasant, energizing, fun way to start the weekend.

good reminder

133: the other end of life

giving out Christmas bags at the El Buen Samaritano
seniors home in Vicente Guerrero, Baja Mexico

I went to a funeral the other day. A graveside service, very small.

An older lady sat in front of me. Her gray hair was piled up and patted down into a style I could not replicate. She sat alone. A friend of the deceased.

She would mourn and then go home. Perhaps to a quiet house, by herself, but hopefully to a home full of good memories.

For the first time it really came to me what it must be like for an older person to see each of his or her friends die in their turn, to feel the end of one's life hurdling toward you, and to worry, unwillingly, whether you'll be next.

I honestly don't know what elderly people think or feel. I sit here, not even out of my 20s, feeling like I'm rushing toward "old age" simply because I turn 30 in eight months and haven't started a family. Not that I minimize my own sense of life rushing past. 21 year olds feel the same way, I think.

a happy lady whose Spanish I could
understand until my vocabulary failed me

I guess what I'm saying is, what they are experiencing cannot be minimized either. Just because an elderly person has lived a full life does not mean he/she doesn't, possibly, experience the same loneliness and despair I feel at the beginning of my life. I stand at the front end of an unknown future; they sit at the end not knowing how many years are left in their future. They look around them at their friends and wonder if in the next year they will fall and break a bone, contract pneumonia, get dementia, end up in the hospital, be put in a convalescent home, be forced by their kids to move away from their life and friends, be all but forgotten by their loved ones, die.

I fear the future, but I pretty much know I will still have some kind of full life per God's design. What must it be like to be at the end of a full life and fear that it will end, after all, in loneliness, illness, or lack of independence?

Every season has its struggles. Singles aren't alone in that.

my grandma and I

I hope to one day mature spiritually enough to be a gray-haired 80+ year old resting joyfully in full confidence in my Lord. Wouldn't that be wonderful?

If some of these trying single years of wrestling with God's sovereignty are going to help produce that, it will definitely be worth it.

"The righteous shall flourish like a palm tree,
He shall grow like a cedar in Lebanon.
Those who are planted in the house of the LORD
Shall flourish in the courts of our God.
They shall still bear fruit in old age;
They shall be fresh and flourishing,
To declare that the LORD is upright;
He is my rock, and there is no unrighteousness in Him."
Psalm 82:12-15

115: on lonely and/or quiet moments

A concept from the Harrison Ford version of Sabrina has stuck with me ever since I first watched it a couple months ago. Sabrina, far away in Paris, goes home every night to her photograph of David. A colleague tells her, "You seem embarrassed by loneliness, by being alone." Her colleague more or less encourages her to embrace it as a starting point.

Afraid of loneliness, I clog it up with Facebook and movies when I'm not at work. But what would loneliness propel me toward if I did let myself feel it? Would it propel me toward marriage? Toward God? Toward depression?

I've been trying to reacquaint myself with quietness again. It's hard work. I enjoy filling my hours with work and people and entertainment.

I had learned to fear the still moments, because it is then you remember that which it is safer to forget. Worries and burdens I can't handle. When prayer for help makes things worse because I am thinking about my problems again. Strivings within me that I can't solve. I filled those lonely moments.

But now it seems different. Quietness feels like an old friend I'm rediscovering. Oh, I haven't spent a whole lot of time in the media-void-silence yet. But, I'm experimenting with the moments I do seize, and it seems good.

111: redeeming God

I love clouds. I love the emotions and drama they paint in the sky.

The last few years, though, I've wondered if it's okay to love them so much since aren't they a product of the Fall? Were there clouds before there was rain, and was there even rain before the Great Deluge?

Today, driving home, I saw a peacock wisp of a cloud, and it struck me. Beauty from ashes. This is proof that God brings beauty out of ashes.

I serve the Great Redeemer. Clouds might be the result of a world-wide opening up of the skies to punish sin. But even so, God has taken that and created something beautiful.

A friend of mine will soon be a step-mom. She would rather the original family have stayed intact for the sake of those she loves. Is a step-family second best?

God is able to do what seems impossible to me. Yes, He can create something beautiful from nothing. But He can also pick up the broken pieces of the original, and instead of gluing the shattered pieces back into a shabby copy of the original, He transforms and redeems and makes something newly beautiful.

That confounds me. How can a do-over be beautiful too? I feel hesitant to suggest that a re-creation can be equally beautiful to the original design. But isn't everything God makes beautiful?

That's what each of us are. A shattered people redeemed as new creations.

And so I can love clouds anew. They are proof that God is the great Redeemer.

107: school update

I'm in the middle of my 3rd week teaching 2nd/3rd grade, and I have to admit, compared to my first year of teaching 1st/2nd and not having a clue of what I was doing, and compared to last year where I had 2nd/3rd/4th with behavior issues and nearly QUIT before the end of the first semester, I am so very content and pleased to only be teaching 2nd/3rd with a relatively equal range of abilities across the board. It's a blessing, and I'm just going to enjoy it!

Monday I went to school and felt off. Ever have those days? And then we didn't get everything done, which didn't help. Yesterday, again we didn't get everything done. But, yesterday I taught the kids (off the cuff, sans dictionary) that "hope" is believing "there is still good." And you know what my good has been, even if at times I miss something and feel unaccomplished? I am teaching. I'm not pushing my kids through textbooks, and I'm not jumping from grade to grade like a plate spinner. I'm actually standing in front of them leading them in gestures and hand motions and chants so they can REMEMBER and I'm assessing and evaluating and giving them immediate corrective exercises so they can GROW and I'm sharing and engaging and teaching them so they can LEARN.

That. feels. good.

Today we did so much, it was rather amazing. It wasn't a perfect day. I need to give myself some corrective exercises (like teaching myself not to let one child effect my behavior). But so far, folks, it's been a good year.

Learning to abide, rejoice, not complain, and love,

LadyM

preparing for 9/11