252: the x factor

I am not sure I am using that term right. I'm thinking it means that undefinable factor that makes something work, no?

I was watching Mystery 101 tonight. It's a Hallmark mystery.

I've been watching a lot of Hallmark mysteries lately, courtesy of Frndly TV (for the first time ever, I can watch Hallmark NOT on YouTube??). And I've noticed something.

Those characters give eye contact. A lot. They give each other their full attention. I mean, they hold that eye contact when any normal person would look away.

It's not realistic. At all.

And yet.

Have you ever interacted with someone who actually looked at you when you spoke? Whose expression said that they were completely focused on you and understanding what you were saying? Not just understanding, but listening to you, your soul.

And not just giving you their full attention, but liking what they were seeing?

It is rare. I think it must be a personality mutation that only a few people have, to be able to give that full focus and bestow that feeling of worth.

And that's what some of Hallmark's actors capture through much professional labor and experienced directing by the makers of theatrical romance.

But, is it possible that we could bottle up just a little bit of that fake focus and actually employ it in our real lives? Because you don't have to have movie makeup and hair stylists and be a model to make someone feel like they are the most valuable person to you right now.



via GIPHY

170: the love of the bride

I went to a wedding this afternoon in a Japanese tea garden. Jewish tradition merged with Christian faith as the bride circled her groom 7 times, symbolically declaring she would pray a wall of protection around her husband and their love. At the inside reception, under a ceiling strung with lights, we consumed, and had seconds of, Asian-Mexican fusion tacos and kale salad (seriously, some of the best food). Hours of conversation and laughter later, the father/daughter dance started as a standard two-step. It was a song about the Bride, Christ's bride. Then father and daughter parted and stood side by side, lifting hands then twirling, lifting hands then twirling. As the bride looked up, hands raised, the artificial lighting caught the love in her eyes for her heavenly Bridegroom. "The bride," she sang. And suddenly I pictured her representing all of us, collectively, the Bride of Christ. Coming before Him at the end of days, love and joy in our hearts.

As singles sometimes it feels like our love is on hold. No man to love, no children to love, no reason or opportunity to love. And so we store up a little love in our hearts, for children in Sunday School or for family or for God. Sometimes my love for God swells and I am enamored at how amazing He is, how grand, how real. Other times my love wanes a bit as I fill my time with meaningless activities, because what else is calling me forth? Nothing.

Tonight, watching the bride, I realized the love I feel for my Lord is not wasted. It is being stored up. Oh, don't let it be wasted. Don't let it seep out. Store it up, let it grow, so that on that day, the wedding supper of MY Lamb, I can be the joyful bride of which mortal brides are only a reflection. A bride without spot or blemish offering herself, after a lifetime of waiting, abandoning herself into the care of the One who of old died for her to pay the bride price for her, who has been preparing the perfect eternal home for her, who has sealed her with the Holy Spirit and has redeemed her from her filth and shame, who declares her righteous and holy, who has never, ever stopped loving her, thinking of her, expectantly working out the fulfillment of all things for the day when the distance would be traversed, the gap closed, and the two together in blissful, unending fellowship.

Your love isn't wasted. It is what will make that Day of Glory a day of glowing joy.


Clarification: I know as singles God gives us plenteous opportunities to love and serve. I was referring to how it feels sometimes, not how it is when we proactively pursue service.

137: romance in the morning

I woke up feeling romantic. I had a Cinderella-esque dream that I can't even remember now, but it left that desire in my heart. You know, for that mysterious spark that shakes the boat and makes you feel like you're living in a movie.

I've felt like God has been revealing to my heart a little (just a little) about true love lately. I feel like I've caught a glimpse of it.

It has made me (start to) trade in my dreams for romantic tension and impossibly perfect timing and want to spend the boring evenings with one, wonderful-to-me, currently undiscovered person.

I woke up almost ready to go on the hunt for romance again. Now I don't see how the romance I'd seek could ever comfort me in real life.

"I felt it shelter to speak to you." --Emily Dickinson

114: stronger

"You are stronger, You are stronger

Sin is broken, You have saved me"

You know what terrifies me? The man that falls hard and falls fast, who loves deeply and over whom a girl has tremendous power to bring incandescent happiness or, through her vacillating mind and emotions, to bring confusion and deep pain.

Forgive the comparison, but it seems God has the same depth of love for us. He staked the life of His own Son on that love. As with anything God does, He loves us completely and fully, not holding back.

"The love of God

has been poured out in our hearts

by the Holy Spirit"

God does not require His love to be reciprocated though. Like when He put Abraham to sleep and passed through the covenant by Himself, holding up both ends of the agreement, so He loves because He loves. He demonstrated His love while we were still enemies of His. He wasn't a gallant knight, laying His life on the line for the fair maiden who would lavish kisses on him when he returned.

"But God demonstrates His own love toward us

In that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us"

I don't respond to God's love because I pity him and don't want him to feel bad. I respond because who He is commands loyalty, obedience, and worship. I respond to Him not because I have tremendous power to bring Him joy or pain, but because He is strong enough to put up with my unfaithfulness, disobedience, and self-serving and still call me back again and again.

"Our God is greater

Our God is stronger

God, You are higher than any other

Our God is healer

Awesome in power

Our God

Our God"

Humans can't do that. God can. And thus my God is stronger and greater than any other. He is my Rock, and there is no one like Him.

92: opposites attract?

Tonight I sat on a grassy knoll in the warm, but breezy, shade, watching an ultimate frisbee game that I wanted to join, but since I can barely catch or throw a frisbee, I just couldn't bring myself to go do the whole act-like-I'm-playing-when-really-I'm-just-running-around-on-the-field thing.

There were three teams so they rotated out. And in one of the teams was a very cute couple.

I know the guy a very little. The girl came up and introduced herself.

I am quite thankful I refrained from saying what was going through my head: I know who you are. I've stalked you on Facebook. You're with so-and-so, right?

So thankful.

She was all girl. Petite, wearing a cute bright pink shirt, not playing much when she was on the field. He was all boy. Tanned, sweating, putting his all into the game.

I watched them interact when they weren't playing (call it reality TV...without the cameras). They made each other laugh. He'd grab her hand and they'd walk down the hill together and then they'd let go and race the rest of the way.

So cute.

And, once again, I am baffled. Ok, I understand why girls like guys. Because they're GUYS! But why oh why would a guy like a girl? We're nothing like them. We put demands on their time. We aren't their buddies that do all that guy stuff with them. And sometimes, we're silly.

And then, how on earth do two people fall in love?

The verse in Proverbs 30 came back as oh so true:

There are three things which are too wonderful for me,

Yes, four which I do not understand:

. . . [T]he way of a man with a virgin.

Hear ye, hear ye! This, indeed, is a mystery!

One of God's mysterious planned ironies.

91: don't let go of your surrender

Tip of the evening: Don't watch a sappy Hallmark chick flick late at night.

I've been processing a lot this year. And I've learned something about myself, that I kinda knew before, and that's kinda embarrassing, ie. I take a long time to process and learn and grow. One of those, oh, I was saying the exact same thing last year? And I'm still saying it now because I haven't mastered this yet?

Actually, I was encouraged. I read a journal entry from a year and a half ago, and I found I had actually grown in that area. :-P Only a year and a half later!

Then sometimes I read what I write and go, wow, that was amazing. Why don't I say the same things now?

Anyway . . . sappy romance movie. About twue love. And of course, what does that make us single girls want? Twue love. :-P

But, to rehash a year plus of rambling on this blog, a guy that loves me and whom I love back is only a wish. It is not a promise. Or a right. Or a necessity (tho sometimes I wonder, since it was part of the creation plan). Because, as a friend so wonderfully and unintentionally reminded me a couple months ago, life is not about that--marriage, having kids, etc.--it's about glorifying God.

It takes a marked amount of surrender to say that and mean it. So if you can say it now, let me warn you, do not let go of that surrender. It is so valuable. You need it to be the person you want to be--a girl who wholly follows God.

Let your desires be desires and not demands. And then you can feel the pain of loneliness without having it destroy you.

"'You are My witnesses,' says the LORD" (Isaiah 43:10).

79: a spontaneous medeival love story

as written by yours truly on March 5, 2004, stumbled upon while packing my journals. Spelling and punctuation errors remain intact.

I have often admired you as you walk through this garden, the prince said. The maiden blushed. I compare you to the rose. See here, (comes to plant) you are beautiful and stately, and yet as delicate as these scarlet petals. She glanced up into the knight's face and saw solemn admiration in his dark eyes. Her heart beat quickly as he slowly took her hand and then knelt on one knee. I began loving you the first day you came to my father's castle, and it wasn't until you were nearly carried away (by the enemy of the kingdom who also loves Olivia) that I realized how deeply I care for you. I would fight the fire-breathing dragon for you, my love. (I defy that dragon to appear that I may prove my sincerity!) Dear, sweet, Olivia, can I even hope that you would favor me above all others? Will you give me the delight of becoming my wife?

My face heightened in color. Looking at the ground I whispered, My good sir, I know not how I ever earned your love. I, a simple maiden, am hardly worthy of your affections. I . . . I know not what to say.

Will you, he hesitated, clutching both of my hands in his strong, but tender, clasp. Will you marry me?

Joy welled up in my heart and love compelled me to lift mine eyes up to his ever admiring ones. My affirmative had not time to leave my lips when suddenly a rugged hand grabbed my arm with cruel force. A shriek filled the air which I hardly recognized as my own, as I turned to face the blazing, jealous eyes of the enemy of the kingdom--Sir Raven. My terror flew on the wings of despair until I remembered that my prince, my very own beloved was nearby. I quickly turned again to him but alas! 2 ruffians (Raven's henchmen, no doubt) had him paralyzed on the ground. From out of nowhere, Raven produced a sword and held it under my beloved's chin. "I'm taking her with me," he growled, with a hard smile. "She is to be my bride. No woman deserves an imp who groveles in the dirt for her hand." I tried to free myself from his clutches, but he pulled me ever nearer to himself. His breath was hot as he muttered in my face "You shall be mine. You shall love ME. And this--" his voice took on a blazing tone as he focused his attention once again on the sword and my beloved-- "this fool of yours shall face the dragon just as he wished." My knees weakened and Raven let me fall to the ground. I began weeping as Raven continued his plans for my prince. As I gazed at my beloved, not once did he show any fear. Not once did he cower at the thought of the fiery serpent which he was soon to meet. There was a strength in his eyes I had never seen before. Later, he would tell me that it was the power of his love for me which made him look so dignified when Raven held that sword to his throat. When the ruffians dragged him away to Raven's own castle dungeon many miles away. Indeed, it was also this same love which nearly drove him crazy with fear for my well being. Dearest beloved. If you had only known how much my heart broke for the terror of your dearth. I had never known my love to be so passionate--for not once did I sleep well as I lay in one of the rooms at the top of Raven's castle, the doors locked against my escape. Where would I have fled? Down to the dungeon to be with my Prince was all I could answer.

23: the mysterious amazing thing about which I have no clue

Love.

I know two, no, three things about love.

1. I don't have a clue about it.

 

2. It's a mystery.

 

3. It's amazing.

I heard Candice Watters quote Proverbs 30 in an old Boundless podcast episode today. It reminded me of what I do know about love, namely, that it is mysterious.

"There are three things which are too wonderful for me,

Yes, four which I do not understand:

. . . the way of a man with a virgin." (vv 18-19)

What draws two people together out of all the people in the world? I don't know. I have tried before to make myself love someone. (I mean, isn't love a choice?) I have almost tried to manipulate my brain. I thought that if I relaxed that the feeling would come. It didn't. Instead I felt like I was going mad.

So I don't know how it happens. Crushes I know. Chemical attractions, yes. True-blue love? Still an unconquered wilderness.

Tonight at community group a mom was saying how she used to think Proverbs 7 was about some prostitute on the bad side of town.

"With her enticing speech she caused him to yield,

With her flattering lips she seduced him.

Immediately he went after her, as an ox goes to the slaughter" (vv 21-22)

Now she realizes that all women have an amazing power over men. That is a mystery to me too. Why do logical, sensible, controlled men fall head over heels with emotional, talkative, melodramatic women? (By the way, those are extremes and generalizations for the sake of contrast.) Men and women are different, sometimes quite different, so how do they go together? Why do they even want to go together?

That's the big mystery.

And, yet, true committed love is amazing. A friend's boyfriend told me the story of how they met. (Clarification: They are both adults in their 30s and are heading towards marriage, not just young pups who will break up next week.) When he got to the part where he asked her out and she said yes, I interrupted with, "And you were head over heels?"

"Oh, I still am," he said. "I've been head over heels ever since."

(collective "awwww!")

Perhaps I shouldn't try to write about that which I know nothing about. But I can still make observations and wonder philosophically about it.

Oh, but I do know one other thing about love! It is a divine gift from God to mankind.

(I would like to add here that I believe a guy truly loved me once, and I consider it an extreme blessing from God that I have been allowed to experience that no matter what my future holds.)

Shadowlands distraction (vi)

Quotes from the movie Shadowlands about the love of C.S. Lewis

Jack: Will you marry this foolish, frightened old man... who needs you more than he can bear to say... who loves you, even though he hardly knows how?

Joy: The pain then is part of the happiness now. That's the deal.

Harry: But she's not...
Jack: Not my wife. No, how could she be? I'd have to love her, wouldn't I? She'd have to be more important to me than anything in the world. I'd have to be suffering the torments of the damned. The thought of losing her...
Harry: I'm so sorry, Jack. I didn't know.
Jack: Neither did I, Harry.

Jack: Why love, if losing hurts so much? I have no answers anymore: only the life I have lived. Twice in that life I've been given the choice: as a boy and as a man. The boy chose safety, the man chooses suffering. The pain now is part of the happiness then. That's the deal.

21: heart blockade

An ol' homeschool friend shared an odd article a month or so ago on Facebook. It was on guarding your heart.

Or rather, it was against guarding your heart.

You'll have to read it for yourself to understand the whole context of why Emily Maynard "stopped guarding [Her] heart ten years ago," but I have copied some quotes below that stuck out to me. Because, like her, I was an avid proponent of guarding my heart during my teens and early 20s (and perhaps still am?).

". . . I discovered that you can’t shut down part of your heart and not shut down all of it."
 

 "[The "Guard Your Heart" message] promises us that if we don’t have crushes, or at least don’t admit them, if we never say ‘I love you’ first, if we act detached until the last possible moment before commitment, if we just get married instead of dating, we’ll never have to experience heartbreak and we’ll be okay. It guarantees in a neat, repeatable phrase that we will be in control."

(Maybe this is why I think an arranged marriage would be fabulous?)

"The rules for “Guarding Your Heart” . . . . breed shame because we can’t live up to the ideal put for us: that we can be whole people while avoiding the potential for pain."

"If you really want to be in healthy relationships, stop “guarding” your heart and start using it. Walk through the mistakes you will inevitably make and learn from them. Find a community of people who are practicing vulnerability. Fill your heart full of the love that makes it come alive, full of grace, full of determination to walk with pain rather than around it, and you will be much better off than any heart that has been merely “guarded.”

--Emily Maynard, "I Stopped Guarding My Heart Ten Years Ago."

 

I'm still figuring out what to make of all that.

20: expand my capacity to love

Four months ago I was struggling with a decision that enticed and scared me at the same time.

(No, it had nothing to do with a guy.)

I was dogsitting, trying to decide whether to take this little one home as my own.

It was a big decision, but what finally cinched the deal was the thought:

It is never a bad thing for our love to expand.

 

Thanksgiving evening I journaled, 

"Lord, Bella is in my lap and her mom wants to know if we're taking her home tomorrow to be ours. And I've been thinking maybe it is not Your will. But then she looks at me and I think when is it not God's will for us to love? And I think you are afraid of commitment/responsibility, aren't you? Lord, what is Your will? [. . .]

 

Lord, as I pet Bella, I think, Lord, expand my capacity to love. I like the twinkle of the feeling I have towards this dog. She's not even human."

 

That got me started thinking about love and my capacity for love. I'm still learning, but I'm going to blog about my thought processes on the subject thus far.

 

But for now I'll just say I did bring Bella home and now I call her my best gal. She is God's blessing to me and I love her very much!

14: trying to figure out love

I went to the Broadway Beauty and the Beast tonight. What would break the spell? Love.

A rude, self-absorbed prince had to learn how to love. And he had to learn how to love Belle before he could expect her to love him back.

How did true love play out?

Well, at first it was a nauseous feeling.

And it encompassed a lot of giggles.

Ultimately, love allowed the Beast to put Belle's needs before his own and to let her go help her father.

Love transformed him.

Ultimately, love made Belle defend the Beast in the face of mockery and rush back to the castle to rescue him. Love made her cling to him, even as he was dying, and tell him she loved him.

I have to admit, I don't yet understand love.

I understand romance.

I think I understand commitment.

But somewhere in between the two something mysterious, magical, divine takes place it seems. Where not only are you willing to make a commitment to a person, but you want to. Where the most rational person on earth can say, "I will love you forever" and mean it. (That doesn't make sense.)

So much shallow love surrounds us. But I'm starting to think that amid all the fake declarations of love, there must be a kernel of truth. And amid all the immoral outplayings of love, there must be some real, divine love spurring it on, albeit in an undivine manner.

I'm thinking that love, the kind a man has for a woman and vice-versa, although so natural and earthy and innate in how God created us, is mysterious, magical, and divine.