Monday, April 18, 2016

168: the struggle

I'm struggling with not being a mommy today.

With not having a cute little face of my own to call my mom "Granny."

With not being able to ask one of the many moms my age at church if they want to get together for a play date.

I love my school kids. I get so many ridiculous benefits from being a teacher. I get to buy them books and give them time to read. I get to call them mine, and I get to give them "the look" (you know the one your mom used to give you when you were misbehaving?). I get to laugh with them and help them learn multiplication. I get to teach them geography and about other cultures. We even grew carrots and beans and corn together (tho the corn had to go--where would it fit in my classroom??).

So many benefits.

But those students aren't mine. They are simply on loan to me during school hours. And I know that parenting is grueling hard and will stretch you to your limits. And I know I couldn't sleep in on Saturdays or experience a host of other luxuries I enjoy now as a single (and I do enjoy them).

It is okay to at times wish for what one doesn't have. It is okay to have a moment of pain. It is okay to feel the heat of an unexpected rivulet of tears.

It is okay to pause in your life, lift sad eyes up to the Lord, and feel the hurt, before moving on to the next day of abiding in Him and enjoying His blessings.

Today I struggled with not being a mommy.

Psalm 56:13 For You delivered me from death, even my feet from stumbling, to walk before God in the light of life. (HCSB)

Saturday, April 9, 2016

167: time passed; could be my fault; yet God worked

Singleness. It bites ya every once in awhile.

In your less than strong moments, do you ever wonder if it's your fault that you're single? Do you wonder if you messed it up when you were younger? If you were too PICKY (that word :/)? If you didn't put yourself out there enough? Considering my own possible guilt in the matter usually brings anger and hot tears. As if everyone else stumbled on the magic formula while I sabotaged myself.

Even if I did sabotage myself, it wasn't from willfulness. If I "missed out" on a crush some decade or so ago, it was because I didn't know how to bring attraction to myself (still don't!). If I "missed out" on some potentially amazing guy in my 20s, it's because I didn't know that I could give a guy a chance (ie. not snub) unless he was 90-100% marriage material.

The fact is I was not ready earlier. I don't mean God waits until you're "ready," but I can't deny that God has done His work in the years of my singleness, as I know He is still doing, and will continue to do in my singleness. What lessons have I learned as a single, sparing me the pain or disillusionment of learning it while married? Maybe if I had learned about the fallen nature of human beings through my husband instead of through my single relationships I would have become disillusioned about the beauty of marriage. Sometimes I feel this hunger for a guy that is often really hunger for God--I wonder if I had married before realizing that was spiritual hunger if I would have drained my husband dry with possessiveness before realizing I just needed God time. What if I had encountered my own impatience in parenting instead of in teaching? I probably would have been disillusioned again, and my life dreams would have spiraled, instead of accepting that I'm a sinner in need of sanctification.

I accept the blessing of learning some things while a single, not because it is a superior, or inferior, blessing, but because it is my blessing. My lot. My gift.

I'm going to keep messing up in this whole pursuing, being pursued, and being involved in relationships thing. I take comfort in knowing I will have run the race well if I let God do His work in me, circumstances be what they may.