Saturday, August 31, 2013

58: of girl friends and hidden, long-held dreams

Girl friends are amazing, aren't they? My birthday was last weekend, the first week of school just ended, and I have been surrounded by quality, loving girl friends, and I thank God so much for them. I used to be a rather lonely girl. And sometimes I still have bouts of loneliness, like when I'm hormonal and it's late at night and everyone in the house is busy or gone to bed and I'm left alone with my neglectful dog (she's only neglectful when she wishes me to turn off the light and go to sleep like her). But now God has brought me into a season of bounty. I don't have just one friend far off. And I don't have to say that all my friends are on Facebook, like I did tell someone, quite seriously, rather emotionally, one eve several months ago. God has given me friends right here, local friends. Who doesn't pine for local friends? They might move away or move on sometime in the near future, I don't know, but I have them now, they are a blessing from God, and I'm thankful, so thankful.


Meanwhile, I want to blog for a second about the dream.

I've held onto the dream so long that lately I've wondered if I'm really ready for it to become reality.

I suppose I've thought that thought often throughout the years, but the farther into my lifespan I get, the looser I have to hold onto the dream out of necessity. I have to hold it with one hand while swimming forward into other channels with the other. And sometimes I have to use the hand clasped over the dream to swim too so that I am propelling forward with my "career," fully enjoying the current, knowing I'm in the middle of God's will, as they say, and yet my dream is right there with me, part of me as I go this way and that. But it's hidden inside my palm, stubby fingers wrapped over it. Like Tinker Bell almost, clasped inside so you can't see the light and glitter.

I start to wonder if I opened my hand, if the dream became reality, if it would be light and glitter. Or if the dream has lost all its glow because of the delay, because of the exposure to other elements, other joys, other dreams.

When God opens my hand and lets the dream out into bright of day, will I really be ready to enter that season of life? Will I find marriage and homeschooling all that I ever wanted? Will my new desires and pleasures--found out of the necessity to live with hope deferred--keep me from fully entering in and appreciating what I thought I always wanted?

I say this is all I've ever wanted to be, wife and mother.

Is it still?

Saturday, August 24, 2013

57: in the midst of busyness

I'm a teacher, and the year starts Monday. A week and a half ago, all the teachers returned to the small Christian school in the middle of nowhere. I was so busy getting my room ready, going to meetings, and juggling a million ideas, that I thought, "A guy? What do I need a guy for? I'm so busy!" And enjoying it too.

Then this last week, maybe Tuesday, I found out that instead of teaching a combo class of 2nd and 3rd graders, I'll also be doing the majority of teaching for 4th grade as well.

I think my world must have tilted a little on its axis.

Despite knowing that this is where God wants me and that He's with me, and I could write a whole post about that, my stress level has gone through the roof the last few days. This last year since I first taught in a classroom, I've largely avoided that miserable sensation that makes you wake up in the morning already overwhelmed. I didn't miss it.

Although my busyness and mental preoccupation has increased ten-fold, I've found myself in the evening hours being struck by a strange acute loneliness. Brief, but strong.

The first couple weeks before school starts has got to be a time of deprivation for fellows who are dating/married to teachers. We obsess out of necessity, because if we didn't, it wouldn't get done.

But even though I wouldn't be able to spend any time with a fellow if I had one right now, and even though he would be a distraction, and maybe that would even add to my stress, I sure wouldn't mind having a husband to lean on emotionally when I want to cry and say I can't do this. I can't teach three grades at once, even though I've been blessed with an aide.

It is not good for man to be alone. I will make an helpmeet fit for him.

I'm leaning on God, and He is holding me up.

Monday, August 5, 2013

56: I wish I knew you blues

How do you describe an emotional rollercoaster? Turmoil, elation, hope, deflation.

After several days of things-are-looking-up, tonight I'm thinking...

...I don't know.

...Why can't I just meet "the one" and everything fall into place?

...Why can't this be a lot easier?

...At least I have the excitement of school to fall back on.

...At least God has given me school to focus on.

...God is always there. He's what gives my life meaning.


Y'know how it is.

Insight into myself: I fear the process between unattached singleness and marriage because I have not yet learned how to do the slight commitment but not full comitment, work through things for this relationship but still have a backdoor to jump at any time because it's just temporary, maybe, don't look at other guys because you're in a relationship, do be open to other guys because you're not married yet, relationship maze that so many people pull off and hopefully I will one day too but for now it seems awfully confusing.

Why do I write?
Because I like to. :-P
And hopefully someone out there sometime
will come across something here that speaks to her
and encourages her
that she's not the only one.
And maybe she'll learn more about herself
by hearing about this portion of my journey.

55: the relative (un)importance of physical beauty

Last night at church the speaker referenced Isaiah 53:2
“He has no form or comeliness; And when we see Him, There is no beauty that we should desire Him.”
Last Sunday night another speaker talked a little about Paul, the description of him being a short, hunched over man with a hooked nose. Not the most compelling of physical descriptions. Is it possible that Jesus was also less than physically appealing?

When I imagine Jesus (or my future husband, for that matter), I don’t imagine a certain look. I don’t picture his face or his build or his hair color or its length. But I do imagine a certain level of attractiveness. I expect a Hollywood Jesus. Hollywood doesn’t cast unattractive people as their heroes/heroines, and we wouldn’t want them to. We like to look at pretty people. We’re attracted to attractive people.

What if Jesus was not necessarily an attractive person? Is it possible?

What if he had the look of a nerd? What if he had a comb over? What if he pushed up his glasses when he spoke? What if he walked funny?

Maybe He didn’t. But is it possible that, even though Jesus was morally and spiritually perfect, He lived in a sin-riddled physical body that had “no form or comeliness?” And if Jesus had no beauty that we should desire Him, and yet we embrace Him as our love and life, is it possible that my future husband could be less than a handsome physical specimen and yet be a perfectly acceptable, even desirable, lover and life-mate as well?

The thought being, would I have accepted Jesus for His inward qualities despite His physical appearance? And if I accept Jesus, would I accept a human despite his physical appearance?

But I also know that God created us to be attracted to whomever we marry, not repelled.

Saturday, August 3, 2013

54: the spark that will never turn to flame

You two aren't dating, aren't interested in dating, aren't going there.

And yet.

If you could be interested, you would be interested, but since other factors prevent you from ever seeing a profitable future together, you aren't interested.

But you like to treat the friendship as if there was a spark there.

Because there is.

But there isn't.

Because it can't go anywhere.

You feel the freedom of "it can't go anywhere" and are much freer in your attentions to him than if the danger of dating were around the corner.

It's just the way it works. If you are interested in a guy, but good sense and reason tell you "no," then you treat him unlike any other guy you know. You enjoy him on a level you don't enjoy others. You assume a level of closeness that you never take time to develop. So you can tease him without really knowing him. All because there is that unacknowledged spark.

Oh, and if he likes someone else, you tease him. Tease him a lot. And support the relationship even if a twinge of the green-eyed monster lurks behind.

No moral. Just observation.

Friday, August 2, 2013

FMF "Story"

This is my story
This is my song

Lord, I want to acknowledge that You are my story. I am not always faithful in our relationship. Sometimes I choose to watch Monk or Doctor Who when I hear you calling. Sometimes I "plan" on spending time with you but then this leads to that and I go to bed, leaving you with an apology.

But You have proved Yourself to always be faithful. You have walked with me for over two decades. I would not be who I am without You. You are my best friend when no one else is around. You are the presence that speaks to me when I'm grappling with something on my own.

You are the one who brings me from there to here. You have amazed me with how You have sanctified me this last year without my help. Without my help! You work. You reveal Your words to me.

You are my story. And you are showing me more how no matter what happens, no matter if I get a guy or don't get a guy, or get a guy and then lose the guy, that You will still be the constant in my life, so it's okay.

Come drought or high water . . . prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, so here's my heart, Lord, take and keep it . . . You are my story and song.

Joining up with Lisa-Jo's Five Minute Friday crowd here.

Feel free to check out my other posts--all about my experiences with online dating! :)

Thursday, August 1, 2013

53: why a dtr can feel like a breakup (no answers)

He suggested meeting in person . . .

And (after God moved him) I told him I wasn't interested in him romantically.

It went really well, this crash-landing DTR. He was very sensible and kind. But I scratched my head while simultaneously pounding it against the wall because, to me, it felt like a breakup.

I felt like we broke up.

I felt like there was a void to fill.

I felt like I had lost a friend.

"And yes," I wrote in my journal, "I think I'm in the .005% of girls in the world who feel like a DTR = a breakup."

All we did was clarify the acquaintanceship, the temporary friendship. To me, I had rejected a guy.

Just being vulnerable here.

Am I that incapable of enduring emotional discomfort?

I don't think it has anything to do with my level of emotional involvement. Rather, I think it is connected with how much I view that fellow as an individual. If he's someone I've never exchanged a conversation with, *snort*, not interested, dude. But if he's anything from someone I've talked with a little but for whom I'm just am not feelin' it at all to someone I've talked with a lot and I'm thinking it won't go anywhere, it's tougher.

I'd like to say I just have a compassionate spirit. But I don't think that's what it is. Lord?

Maybe *lightbulb moment* I'm too much of a people pleaser.

Still figuring myself out.