267: Letting Go of the Unknown

I wrote the following a week or so ago and sent the draft to a small chat group. Someone strongly encouraged me to publish it because she resonated with the concept and wanted to share it with her readers. So here are my thoughts from then, with a couple edits.

The journey from singleness to union is not what I would have expected. I would have thought that once you "arrive" at having found the one and fallen in love, that all former memories would pale in comparison. They'd practically disappear.

But, like a friend once told me, saying yes to one thing means saying no to another.

As someone who holds on to memories and clings to journals as mementos of who I have been, I find myself betwixt mourning what will never be again and embracing the fulfillment of all my hopes.

The other day I was thinking about how fun some past camping trips have been. But you know what was scintillating about some of those trips with other young people? Heading out of your tent to head to the campground bathroom in the early morning, knowing that few people have had the privilege of seeing you with sleepy eyes and messy hair, but feeling awfully scandalous (scandalously delighted) if the guy you have a crush on sees you. Or coming back from the shower with your hair wet and him seeing you. It's that hint of what you've always wanted--marriage with someone permanent--but it's like the whiff of chocolate chip cookies. You don't get the cookies, but the whiff excites you. But in marriage it seems like I'll get all the cookies. It seems like the teasing of the senses will be absent. I'll have someone who already sees me in my disheveled morning state every day, without the enticement from a chance meeting while camping.

Meet-ups too have lost their glow. The best part of meet-ups is the thrill of when someone you like makes eye contact, or talks with you, or when you serendipitously on-purpose find yourself sitting next to them or in their vicinity. But with marriage, you literally never experience the thrill of a slight acknowledgement from your crush ever again. Those 30 seconds of eye contact that you experienced at 17 years old that you STILL remember because it was so life momentous? In marriage, you don't experience the wondering what may happen: Will he contact you? What does this text mean? Could he like you back? The solidity of reality takes away the wisp of non-reality.

All we've wanted as women is certainty and a love of our own. But all we've known is uncertainty and the hope for something more. I feel a little bit of loss letting go of the hope in exchange for the reality. Hope projects fantasy on an un-actual future. Reality incorporates two people's current emotions, abilities, and mass and volume states, to create something that is very concrete and less ethereal than the hope that has kept me warm every day as a single.

I think I may need a rest-in-peace moment for all I've had...or haven't had.

266: not quite my covid-19 life

God's crinkly nature

When it comes to world events, I admit, I tend to be an ostrich. Perhaps not burying my head in the sand, but just not taking any effort to read the articles, watch the news videos, etc. (Dorcas Lane would call it "my one weakness," but alas, it's not.) So, while the world was stocking up on toilet paper and complaining about the hoarders and theorizing about whether the corona virus is overblown, deadly, or part of a conspiracy, I was very focused on my own little world. I was listening to a book about the Donner Party and reading absolutely GRISTLY ways that people tortured other people. I had to stop reading.

I'd been thinking about evil a lot lately, about persecution, about torture, namely. What is the corona virus compared to the imaginations of a human being completely given over to hate and wickedness? And the thing is, the Holocaust wasn't that long ago.

A friend mentioned, almost in passing, the church of Smyrna. So I looked up the passage in Revelation 2. Verse 10 stopped and held me.

"Do not fear any of those things which you are about to suffer."

Do not fear. Don't do it.

Not because everything will be fine. Just because we live in a sanitary world of flushing toilets, soap at every sink, and non-stop laundry facilities does not guarantee us a continuance of our cushy lives. How can people live with the threat of terror? How did the women pioneers crossing the plains and the Rockies find the courage to continue on when they knew they could be captured and scalped? How do people in Africa live life when the threat of guerrilla fighters overtaking their village is a possibility? How do pastors in China relax when they could be imprisoned yet again--and I won't even recount the torture I have heard of in third-world prisons.

Do not fear.

Not because God will protect me from it. The verse explicitly says that the believers in Smyrna were about to suffer.

But, do not fear.

Scripture says it over and over and over again. Do not fear. I am with you. Do not fear. I will provide for you. Do not fear--I see every sparrow that falls, and are you not of more value than many sparrows? Do not fear, highly favored one. Do not fear, I am with you wherever you go. Do not fear any of those things which you are about to suffer. Fear God. He neither faints nor grows weary. He never slumbers or sleeps. He is a consuming fire, and He WILL see justice is meted out on the wicked. He is jealous for you. He has secured You as His child with the very blood of His Son. A mother may forget her newborn baby, but God will NOT forget you. You are His bride. You are His future. Greater is He who is in you than he who is in the world.

So, stop fearing. It is a directive. It is not conditional on circumstances. Just stop. And trust Him for the grace in that moment, whenever, if ever, that moment comes. But for this moment, right now, do not fear. Do not fear.

What is the victory that overcomes the world? Our faith. Not faith in the seen, but faith in the unseen. And not faith that all will be well. Not blind faith. Have faith in Yahweh God Almighty, who is and who was and who is to come, and in His Son Jesus Christ, who is coming on the clouds, and every eye will see Him.

He's got us. And we have Him.

249: gotta quibble

So!

In times past, I have been ALL about how serious a guy is. I've been attracted to those quiet, aloof types. Mystery. Intrigue. And seriousness has been important to me. Very important. Not that I am necessarily a serious person at all. But there's just been something that has compelled me to value a guy who, well, knows when it is appropriate to put aside the silly loudness and to stop and focus. [I still do.] If I were honest, I probably more required him to know when I had switched moods and then switch with me. And, when I am interested in a guy, I can change from fun to serious ON A DIME. Partly because, with simply a sentence, I can plummet from optimism to pessimistic doubt about if it's going to work out with said guy. Partly because I am an introvert who can suddenly be DONE. So, if I'm DONE, then I need him to spidey-sense that and join me for one-on-one serious time away from the raucous crowd.

But, well, there's this thing called change. And maturing. And learning from past foibles.

So, there was this guy. Who I liked for an inordinate amount of time. Thankfully God nipped that in the bud once it started to seem like maybe it was going to possibly but probably not but hopefully be reciprocated, and I started the process of relinquishing that ill-chosen crush. But, one of the best parts about my friendship with this fellow has been our banter. I absolutely love it!

And, once the infatuation had been banked, and once I interacted with him in the light of not-stalking-his-every-movement, and once I could reflect, I realized that I really value teasing and banter. Like, wow, I want that. I WANT that in a future marriage. As a top quality.

I used to force-test guys to see if they could be serious.

Now I focus on being playful. And appreciate when I see that they know how to be appropriately serious and how to participate in my need for quality conversation.

And I'm sitting here noticing the complete difference in my approach and going, actually, this is healthier. Especially for those early getting-to-know-you-as-a-friend conversations. It also removes an unspoken expectation on the guy to somehow know when I need him to tone down. Well, I still have some residual cues that tell me a guy is being too silly and it's rubbing me the wrong way. But, still. Growth. Change.

Except now I'm all worried that I'll be thought of as too shallow and not serious enough. :P

Aaaaaaalll the female over-analyzing. :)

Good night.

248: Valentines Day post

I brought the Sunday school kiddos (all 1 of them, and then another joined us) into the sanctuary for worship this morning. We were singing "At the cross You beckon me, You draw me gently to my knees." It's not my favorite song, lyrics-wise. But two sections popped out to me and set me really thinking.

"On it my Savior, both bruised and crushed

Showed that God is love and God is just"

Ack! I love SO much that God is BOTH of those things and not just one. There is such fullness in knowing that God is not just loving, but that He is powerful and that He doesn't put up with garbage (not my usual terminology, but it suits). He doesn't put up with the wicked coming against Him as though they can fight against the Almighty God of the Universe and win.

But, that doesn't have anything to do with Valentines Day.

The second part that stuck out was, "wholly surrendered."

It resonated with what I was pouring out to the Lord while the songs were being sung.

This hope of a relationship all us single girls hold--it's fragile. I have been through "failed" relationships. It HURTS. A couple have broken me. I've been through other circumstances too. I've felt the deep darkness of a black hole when my world rocked with new, unexpected information.

It makes me want to wrap myself up, build my castle walls, and look with a very, very wary eye at hope of a relationship. Mmhm. Yeah, you can feel slightly elated, but I wouldn't count on it happening for nothin'.

(Every time I hear of a single I know online getting into a relationship I'm like, mmm...probably won't last. I mean it's great, but statistically...)

And that's not right (well, at least the hopeless-kind of skepticism I direct at myself). That's being governed by fear and skepticism instead of hope. It sounds like self-protection, but it is not healthy.

The thing is, even if I'm never in another reciprocal relationship (because we all know non-reciprocal, unrequited "relationships" will continue to happen cuz they're our life-blood :-P). Or even if I'm in a relationship that bombs out. Or if I'm not. No matter if I'm single for the rest of my days--WHATEVER, and I mean WHATEVER the future holds as far as companionship and marriage--I have hope.

You know that hurt and black hole I mentioned before? I know I've blogged about this before. Those experiences--those experiences of pain and tears and cannot-Cannot-CANNOT--I am so so so thankful for them.

Because they have PROVEN God's faithfulness. They have PROVEN that life will not end in pain. They have PROVEN that I have hope on the other side of brokenness. They are my guarantee that even if I fall onto the shards of shattered expectations again--if I let myself open up and I'm shattered--that my life is not over. He will get me through. His plans for me are not through. I am held in hands that redeem. I am held in hands that can use me. That to live is Christ and to die is gain, and, as another song goes, "In the hands of our Redeemer, nothing is wasted."

(Y'all. If I ever do get married and have kids, I want to name one something like "faithfulness." Like "Fidelidad" or "Leal.")

Anyway, so this Valentines Day, I'm trying not to focus on the ROMANCE (in big, fluffy letters) of the holiday. Because, discontentment is painful too. :-P I am embracing the holiday (girls partayyy!). And I'm focusing on NOT clinging to expectations--positive OR negative--but clinging to God's goodness and faithfulness no matter what.

Valentines Post 2018
Valentines Post 2017

237: to have courage to share this part of life too

"For I am full of words;

The spirit within me compels me.

Indeed my belly is like wine that has no vent;

It is ready to burst like new wineskins.

I will speak, that I may find relief" (Job 32:17-20a)

I went to a new women's Bible study/devotional fellowship this evening with my semi-new-to-me church. We're going to be studying women in the Bible and how they responded yes or no to God. Tonight was on Sarah. For professional development, I've been learning about comprehension strategies, such as "determining importance." Out of all the material a student reads, how is he to determine what is important? With the skill of "synthesizing," importance is sometimes determined by what interests the person. So, all that to say, as we were led through this study tonight, I tried to focus not just on taking notes for the sake of taking notes, but listening for what might apply to me, what God might speak to me as relevant.

There were a couple things that stood out, but as the leader read from Genesis 8, a very familiar story about Sarah laughing when God told Abraham that she would bear a child in her old age, I looked down at the passage and part of the verse whirled off the page with the big question mark, "APPLICABLE?" I don't like to claim promises from Scripture that are not promises, but I did feel like this was for a group I'm part of consisting of older Christian single women. I anticipated sharing this with them.

The study portion concluded. We all traipsed out to the pool and stuck our feet in. The leader asked us for our input about what we read.

I knew. I knew from before we left the living room that I should have the boldness to share what God had showed me about singleness.

But this is a group of mostly older ladies, all women who have had husbands, children, homes of their own. The evening progressed with lots of stories about husbands, children, home repair. Children, husbands. Anyone else have anything to share? Husbands, children, life that (I slowly realized) I literally could not relate to.

And I kept my mouth shut.

"Indeed my belly is like wine that has no vent" (Job 32:19).

Why? Well, first off, I'm just getting to know these people. But I want to be open. I want the fellowship. The other reason I didn't speak is that what I wanted to share had to do with singleness.

I didn't want my sharing to sound like a request for pity.

I would have had to share the context of the difficulty of singleness. And the difficulty wasn't the point. The point was that God had shown up during our Bible study.

I couldn't muster the bravery.

And so I sat and listened and felt the emotional strength drain from me as I listened to stories truly interesting, but unrelatable, until I finally left.

God, give me the strength to be open next time! I won't get the fellowship I crave if I won't speak what is on my heart. And no one is going to read my mind for me.

I am thankful that I think I have found a group to have true Christian fellowship with.

Now it's on me.

"Be strong and of good courage" (Joshua 1).

~*~

Ok, so let me share what I think God may have drawn out for older singles.

I've been looking at this idea of how old we are getting and our desire for marriage still, and I've been wondering how much I need to just acknowledge it probably won't happen. We have absolutely no idea what life not as single is, and, personally, theology + personality + availability = need a miracle to make it happen. But--

"After I have grown old, shall I have pleasure...?" (Gen. 18:12)

Sarah was skeptical too. After she was now old, was it likely that she would enjoy a child--her own child--in her arms? She laughed at the idea. That boat had passed her by long ago.

What was God's response? Why are you laughing? Why are you doubting it could be?

"Is anything too hard for the LORD?" (Gen. 18:14)

And that is...that. Would you, could you, still experience marriage and family and spend the rest of your days in a completely different season of life?

Is anything too hard for God?

203: Lisa Anderson and at the end of life

I'm listening through Boundless' 500th episode today, and I listened to Lisa Anderson on a Focus on the Family broadcast the other day (the one with Gary Chapman talking about the 5 love languages and caring for ailing parents). Oh man, when Lisa Anderson cries...yeah, I cry too.

She was talking (on the Focus on the Family episode) about her fears that when she is older, she will have no one to take care of her. *raised hand, me too!* But she knows a lady who all through her life took family members in when they would have bad health and care for them, and now she is old and has health problems. A young family in the church has built on an additional room to their house and has taken her in to care for her. *goose bumps, tears*

This is our God. This is our God living through the lives of His people.

I do not know what will happen to me in the future. I AM concerned. I DO have a certain level of responsibility to plan for the future. I do believe in the parable in the gospels about building relationships now for when you have nothing.

But besides fear and besides responsibility, I have faith in the God who does take care of His own.

And now I have to go get some stuff done so I can hang out with my family's 60+ year old always-single friend who wants to do dinner tonight. :)

194: ...and a sound mind

Fear. It's powerful in relationships. It's no coincidence that when 2 Timothy 1:7 says that "God has not given us a spirit of fear" that the corollary is His giving us "a sound mind." Because when I am fearful about a relationship, I do not have a sound mind. Obsessive. Overanalyzing. Worried. Stressed. Predicting the future. Jumping to conclusions. Reading into things. Seeing doom. Giving up. And all within hours of the last interaction.

There is no buoyant hope. No steadiness. No waiting to see what will happen next if I let it rest a day in God's hands.

If I squint and cock my head, I can vaguely see the writing on the wall, and even though I have no divine interpreter, I can agonizingly surmise it says, "This person has been weighed on the scales and found wanting; this relationship's days are numbered." The former butterflies in my stomach transform into a knot that drags me under. No more information needed. It's the end. I'm going to bed.

Been there, done that, Lord, please, teach me to have a sound mind.

The other day I was sitting across from a little girl who deals with possessiveness when it comes to friendships. And one of her male friends had been particularly chummy with another person lately. Not good. So as we sat there coloring, she told me resignedly, "So, I think this *her name* and *his name* thing is over." After I got over the humor of hearing a little girl refer to herself in the third person, I started talking to her about how friendships go up and down, and, yes, it's hard when we have to wait. She was like, "I know. It's been TWO days." Inwardly chuckling, I replied, "And it feels like FOREVER." But it's not. It's hard to wait. It's really hard. But things will change. (I may have even promised her chocolate if it doesn't . . . I don't always have wisdom when interacting with kids.)

I know firsthand how hard it is to wait and want a guy and try to surrender him to God and then see him get married and want any guy and get one and lose one and spend months recovering from the loss and wait some more. I literally know emotional pain very well, like the back of my hand, like an old blankie actually.

I also know that God has been there with me in every painful season of my life. He has been so close. I also know that the days upon days that sucked me under were seasons. They did not last. Two days is not forever. A painful day or two (or week) where the anxiety over a guy makes me want to keep sleeping and I'm eating two bowls full of chocolate ice cream and yet my stomach still is in knots? It will not always be like that.

But even if the disappointment is more severe, God has been with me through so much emotional turbulence already, and He's continually taking me back to the basics of who He is as my baseline. He is my baseline. THE baseline, apart from me. My life will have highs and lows. But the Rock does not change. Do you know how much having a sound mind is related to clinging to that Rock and knowing He'll get me through even this, because I've seen Him do it in the past over and over? My memorial stones were agonizingly set, but they are there, witnesses of God's faithfulness.

God has also blessed me with people who listen when I'm hovering at irrational highs and dragging through irrational lows. Sometimes they just listen; sometimes they speak steadiness and insight into my crazy, rubberbanding, emotional self.

Fear. It's powerful in relationships. But God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

During a very hard season,

I played/sang this song over and over.

176: why I have a hard time getting rid of books

...in which I delve into the psychological connection between me and my books.

What does my library mean to me?

Like, honestly.

After writing a long, rambling, very probing draft on the subject, here's my rewrite.

My library of 489 books (plus the one I just bought at the Christian bookstore) is my trophy. It is a monument to my perceived self, proof that I am intellectual, that my interests are varied, even if several of the books remain unread, or bookmarked 32 pages in with boarding passes and napkins, or are relicts of my college days.

Owning books is virtuous. Owning good books is even more virtuous. I have imbedded this fact on my psyche and, with it, great pride in my 489 (plus 1) collection.

Maybe it all started with my favorite Disney princess and her love of books

To get rid of a book feels like relinquishing part of who I was or who I want to be. The desire to be a woman who is more than a popular fiction reader, someone who is intellectual and deep and reads classics. And I do love an occasional dip into philosophy or history or Shakespeare! I do! But I'm probably never going to read a 751 page book on John Adams even though I am interested in who he was. And although I bought that still shrink-wrapped book on Sam Houston while at the San Jacinto Monument in Houston, Texas, and therefore have a sentimental attachment to it, realistically I'm never going to read 531 pages on him either. To get rid of a book is admitting that I will probably never pursue that potentially interesting topic.

Counseling interests me, and Seeing With New Eyes is supposed to be a really good book on the topic, but right now, that's not where my interest lies. But it sure looks good on a shelf!

It looks good.

I want to tell you about all the different kinds of books (not just history!) I own just so you'll be impressed with me.

Yet, they are like a weight around my neck.


I am afraid to let books go.

Afraid to let go of the memories--I bought American Women and World War II on the U.S.S. Midway while venturing out on a day trip by myself in San Diego!

Afraid to admit the unvirtuous fact that I like the Basil Rathbone movies better than the Original Illustrated Sherlock Holmes short stories.

Afraid to let go of books that would add greatly to that ideal future homeschool library.

Afraid to close a chapter and say I'm no longer interested in that subject.

That is the salient point:

I am not interested in them right now.

What do I actually read? What if, instead of holding onto books I'm interested in and take pride in and that I bought with great excitement for amazingly cheap prices, what if I culled my library down to what I actually read? It would be far more meager. Maybe not less interesting, but less diverse. Less to boast about. And with some of my favorites now on my Kindle app, not an accurate show-off of what I read.



Is this me, or is this who I think I should be?

What do I actually read? Now. This person today in real life in real time. If I got rid of some of the books I probably won't ever read, would I perhaps find my true self? Who I am now? Would I find something beautiful behind the lie that my identity is wrapped up in the gargantuan amount of looks-impressive-on-a-shelf books I own but don't read? Would I find that I can be an interesting, intelligent, culture-shaping individual without owning 489 (plus 1!) books?

This is my psychological connection to my books. Basically pride and fear.

P.S. After writing this draft, I gathered together 43 books to let go of. I am trying very hard to not let my emotions kick in and change my mind. I also have been reading the new book I bought--because that's what books are for.

158: expectations...seriously

That moment when you've been planning to begin your post with a link to an article, and then you check the article again and find the website celebrates the opposite of what you believe about marriage. Ok, so I'm not going to link to the article. Plan B.

Let's look at the quintessential chick flick! I mean the 1995 version of Pride and Prejudice, of course!

We never really get to see Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy's courting relationship because they never really have one. They go from slightly cordial acquaintances to marriage. But because they are truly in love, the expectation is that Elizabeth will never again be bothered by Mr. Darcy's social aloofness and lack of tact, and Mr. Darcy will always find Lizzy's lively wit to be charming. Right? Does this relationship between two very different people take any work at all?

I like this anecdote from the beginning of their actual relationship (post-do-I-like-him drama and pre-riding-off-in-a-carriage marriage): "Elizabeth longed to observe [to Darcy, sarcastically] that Mr. Bingley had been a most delightful friend; so easily guided that his worth was invaluable; but she checked herself. She remembered that he [Darcy] had yet to learn to be laughed at, and it was rather too early to begin." (Chapter 58, Pride and Prejudice)

Me thinks even in this quintessential romance of incandescent happiness, Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy will both need to put some work into it.

All that to say, even though I'm not Lizzy, I am in a relationship that is taking work. And cultural expectations poke at me every day saying, "It shouldn't take this much work. It should be easy. It should be all romance and smiles." And some days, when I'm feeling very logical, I reply, "No. I am building a relationship. Relationships take time and work and learning about another person." And other days I accept the cultural expectations, fall into Eeyore-esque feelings, and wonder, "Am I wrong? Is this wrong?"

I didn't realize how strongly outside expectations would affect how I view my relationship. When I get annoyed with my boyfriend, I worry. When we are on different communication channels, I worry. When he says something innocuous and my mood flips and I emotionally shut down, I worry. When I get home, think back on the day, and remember that he is different from me, I worry.

Because no one asks a girl, "How is your relationship going?" expecting to then receive the reply, "It's moving forward, but it's work!"

People worry if you say your relationship is taking work.

Brrrrhh! Wrong answer.

They can't tease you. And we all like to tease people.

In case you didn't know, you're expected to say your relationship is "Great! Wonderful! Amazing!" and burst into gleeful giggling and blush a becoming hue of pink.

Is it okay if a relationship takes work?

Every day I mentally interact with unstated expectations of ease and effortlessness.

Every day--as God leads and my umph holds--I refuse  to let that expectation kill what could end up being a beautiful, fun, enduring relationship, built on a sturdy foundation because we are currently working on it.

P.S. I do think that if a dating relationship is more work than enjoyment, it's probably not healthy.

136: a variety of thoughts

something I'm working on

I am really quite exhausted. And I of all people shouldn't write when I am exhausted because I'm liable to say anything.

Might I be allowed on my own blog just to share random thoughts?

Love your neighbor as yourself as applied to teaching. I've tried so hard to be a teacher and an authority and to teach these kids how to act. But I don't like the mirrored reflection now of how I've treated them. So maybe I can strive for a little less hardnose and a little more politeness.

Bearing the fruit of the Spirit, like patience, kindness, goodness. Yes, I am "spending time" with the Lord but I'm not spending TIME with Him, so if I do want those fruits to flow out of me, I need to fill myself up with time with Him more.

I went on MarryWell (another online relationship site of sorts) last night. Looking at the profiles, seeing guys trying to present themselves accurately and desirably just as I tried hard to do, it made me feel yucky. I thought maybe I could go back, especially since I would really like a male friend right now, but I can't. For me, it's so unnatural that I now associate it to something bad, as if I had a negative experience in the past that I'm relating it to. I didn't have a negative experience that should taint how I emotionally react to online dating sites. But I guess that door is now closed to me. I don't know why. I don't mind, because I really would like to meet someone naturally and fall in love naturally (not that that doesn't happen through a tool like dating sites), but it does rather limit one's selection, and depending on how limited one's selection is....

I've been bravely, hesitantly embracing prolonged singleness. *chuckle* Not like it isn't already upon me. *wry smile* But accepting it is very very new to me. There's something else that's really odd. The paradoxical possibility of embracing prolonged singleness and still praying every day in my journal, per my New Year's resolution, asking God for a husband. How can someone move forward and still hold on to a dream of the past? I don't know. How do people act like one thing is reality while still deep in their childlike soul believe/hope/fairytale-dream that something else will occur? (I read a great article that touched on this for me--see the link on the lower right called "Meaning in the Meanwhile".)

make a blurry picture better by over-fixing it?

Speaking of childhood dreams, I used to want, like, 12 kids. I was raised almost as an only child (my sister is 16 years older than me). But I hung out with big families--5 or 7 kids--and that's what I wanted. Now with teaching school? I have a great and enjoyable group of kids. But I enjoy coming home. I can't imagine having the responsibility to parent and homeschool several children much less 12. It's enough to make one want to cry. This week I've been overwhelmed just by the responsibility of teaching academics to 5 children for a couple years. And I think being a full-time parent and homeschool mom would be less stressful? I still want to get married, have children, and homeschool. But, yowzers. (I would need a good man to thrive and not just survive.)

I would share about the book I'm reading--a history book about women during World War 2--or I would share how I'm reading another book for a book review about a pastor and his struggle with reconciling God and suffering--but the only reason why I would would be to show you my life consists of something other than teaching and thinking of singleness, which is a lame reason to keep writing when emotionally one feels done.

So goodnight!

123: surprise! and a summary

When it comes to guys, I'm a list checker offer and a box fitter inner. I've never been good with the "you're marrying a person, not a list" counsel. But I've been working on it. I really have! I think I'm getting better at it too. And I think I'm finding it's more enjoyable this way. Imagine that!

I'm not very fond of surprises though. I worry when I'm getting to know a fellow that some unforeseen info about him will pop out, or the counselors in my life will discern something unhealthy, and without warning my image of who he is will crumple in upon itself and everything be ruined. That what I know of reality will be altered with a single word. That new information will tug me toward the black hole of bewilderment, despair, and, finally, dismissal of my fellow.

So, while I'm trying to be more gracious and think of prospects as holistic human beings instead of check boxes, I still fear what I will find out as I get to know them, ie. that he whom I'm emotionally invested in might not be who I thought he was.

Solution? Well, still working on that. But perhaps a solution would be thinking of a guy as a whole and ask myself whether incoming new info defines who he is or is just a deviance from the normal good will of his heart and upright character of his life.

That means I have to know a fellow and spend enough time with him in person to trust his heart. Which is why online dating and long distance relationships are not going to work for me. I need to see the 3D person in action, not black words on a white screen telling me who he thinks he is.

random picture from my school year

To summarize this series of fears, with God's help I'm working on overcoming the fear of what others might think of me, the fear that I'll turn fickle as soon as I get into a relationship, and the fear of finding out something horrible about the fellow in my life.

So, I need to keep working on killing my pride, having faith in God to get me through my scared emotions, depending on Him as my faithful Lord and Rock no matter how earthly reality might change, and having courage to move forward despite my worries!

122: leading them on

Lord, keep me from dealing falsely.

I wrote this as a note on my phone earlier this week. It can be applied so many ways, but the most applicable way is how I deal with guys I like.

Without trying to and without doing so consciously, I have in the past toyed with the hearts of the guys pursuing me. I have strung them along, not willing to be all in, not wanting to let go. I've blamed my behavior on fickleness, on jumping ahead and ignoring the Lord's voice, on not wanting to cause hurt and not wanting to go through the pain of a breakup, on wanting to make things work. Whatever it is, I have dealt falsely with a couple guys and have felt the guilt.

Now I live with the fear that dealing falsely is what is in this wicked, deceptive heart (Jeremiah 17:9) and that that is what I will naturally do again.

I need God's supernatural power to do a work on my flesh so I will walk in the Spirit and not defraud my brothers.

I need to carefully walk with wisdom. Lord, search and know my heart so I don't jump where I will immediately falter upon landing. Help me be patient and even content with what You have blessed me with so that I don't rush and ruin the beauty You may be creating. Give me self-control so I don't start down a path, trying to make something work, when you haven't even told me to go that way. Show me Your way for me right now so I don't move forward based on my desires and earthly wisdom.

These are the kinds of prayers I need to burn upon my heart so that I will not deal falsely next time.

And then the equally vital prayer: Lord, grant me the courage to move forward and not be trapped or controlled by fear that I will deal falsely again. Because You are faithful, and that is more true than my fear.

It's fear-exposing time at my blog. To read about my fear of what others might think, click here.

121: what if they think he's too...

In the spirit of overthinking, overanalyzing, etc., I've been examining my fears. There are many things I can talk myself through. But fears ain't one of them. Fears regarding relationships just seem so rational! How can I combat rational thought?

I wrote a little while back about wanting a trophy husband. I'm still wrestling back and forth with what kind of fellow I'd like. (Ok, I know what kind I'd like, but that doesn't mean it's God's best for me or that I'd be happier with it in the long run.) But in the meantime I read a quote that really blessed me.

See, at times I become interested in someone enough to the point of letting other people know (for the purpose of prayer, of course!). And then they want to see a picture, or they want to meet him, and all of a sudden I feel like I have to qualify the guy.

After about 8 months of having unorganized book shelves,
I couldn't take it any longer!
Organized bookshelves=happiness

And here's where I was going to give a bunch of examples of how I've qualified guys in the past/present, but someone might stumble across this post and trace the live examples back to the original people, so I think I'll refrain.

You know, I'll say, "yeah, he's not that good looking" or "but he has this annoying characteristic." Why? Because I don't want those whom I've informed about my crush to come back with a raised eyebrow after meeting him. I don't want them to be thinking secret negative thoughts about why I would like him without me preempting and predicting those thoughts beforehand.

I am sometimes judgmental. Looking at a FB wedding photo of college acquaintances, I'll think, "Oh, he's not good looking and I remember him as awkward. But she's really cute. Why did she end up with him?" (And then I see all their parenting pictures a year later and go, "Ohhh, they're such a cute family! He looks like such a loving husband and father!)

So I superimpose that judgmentalness on others, I suppose. Or I reveal my heart: I want to preserve my own self-importance by pointing out all my blessed fellow's flaws before those who are soon to see/meet him. Maybe I'm subconsciously thinking I'll taint my own perfection by admitting I like a guy without listing his imperfections in tandem.

But back to the quote that blessed me. Gini Andrews gave me--gave all of us--the freedom not to please everyone. This has nothing to do with asking for and listening to wise counsel. Rather, it's about the freedom to ditch the fear of what others will think about the inconsequential things that I'm afraid they're going to judge me for seeing past.

"Is your mind 'like concrete: all mixed up and firmly set?' What would you do if you met an attractive man but he was twenty-five years older than you? Or even ten years younger? Certainly there are problems, but if it should be God's man knocking at your door, you're going to miss out on a wonderful experience. Don't you even want to know what this man is like? Never mind the Ladies' Sewing Circle or the Missionary Guild! This is your life! You're never going to please everyone -- never. You are God's woman; His servant, yes, but also His princess. Ask Him what He wants you to do." 

--Gini Andrews, Your Half of the Apple: God & the Single Girl (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1972)