136: a variety of thoughts

something I'm working on

I am really quite exhausted. And I of all people shouldn't write when I am exhausted because I'm liable to say anything.

Might I be allowed on my own blog just to share random thoughts?

Love your neighbor as yourself as applied to teaching. I've tried so hard to be a teacher and an authority and to teach these kids how to act. But I don't like the mirrored reflection now of how I've treated them. So maybe I can strive for a little less hardnose and a little more politeness.

Bearing the fruit of the Spirit, like patience, kindness, goodness. Yes, I am "spending time" with the Lord but I'm not spending TIME with Him, so if I do want those fruits to flow out of me, I need to fill myself up with time with Him more.

I went on MarryWell (another online relationship site of sorts) last night. Looking at the profiles, seeing guys trying to present themselves accurately and desirably just as I tried hard to do, it made me feel yucky. I thought maybe I could go back, especially since I would really like a male friend right now, but I can't. For me, it's so unnatural that I now associate it to something bad, as if I had a negative experience in the past that I'm relating it to. I didn't have a negative experience that should taint how I emotionally react to online dating sites. But I guess that door is now closed to me. I don't know why. I don't mind, because I really would like to meet someone naturally and fall in love naturally (not that that doesn't happen through a tool like dating sites), but it does rather limit one's selection, and depending on how limited one's selection is....

I've been bravely, hesitantly embracing prolonged singleness. *chuckle* Not like it isn't already upon me. *wry smile* But accepting it is very very new to me. There's something else that's really odd. The paradoxical possibility of embracing prolonged singleness and still praying every day in my journal, per my New Year's resolution, asking God for a husband. How can someone move forward and still hold on to a dream of the past? I don't know. How do people act like one thing is reality while still deep in their childlike soul believe/hope/fairytale-dream that something else will occur? (I read a great article that touched on this for me--see the link on the lower right called "Meaning in the Meanwhile".)

make a blurry picture better by over-fixing it?

Speaking of childhood dreams, I used to want, like, 12 kids. I was raised almost as an only child (my sister is 16 years older than me). But I hung out with big families--5 or 7 kids--and that's what I wanted. Now with teaching school? I have a great and enjoyable group of kids. But I enjoy coming home. I can't imagine having the responsibility to parent and homeschool several children much less 12. It's enough to make one want to cry. This week I've been overwhelmed just by the responsibility of teaching academics to 5 children for a couple years. And I think being a full-time parent and homeschool mom would be less stressful? I still want to get married, have children, and homeschool. But, yowzers. (I would need a good man to thrive and not just survive.)

I would share about the book I'm reading--a history book about women during World War 2--or I would share how I'm reading another book for a book review about a pastor and his struggle with reconciling God and suffering--but the only reason why I would would be to show you my life consists of something other than teaching and thinking of singleness, which is a lame reason to keep writing when emotionally one feels done.

So goodnight!