Saturday, August 12, 2017

201: the question of how to not lower standards but still be like a peasant

Today I re-read this article (hidden link) which I printed and pasted in my journal several months ago. It is such a good article, you should read it for yourself, but basically it is saying that we often go about looking for a mate like royalty and aristocrats did back in the day.

Here is my list of what I want. Do you fulfill my criteria? I am worthy of more than what you can offer.

Instead, the author and her citations argue, we should search for love like a peasant. A probably inaccurate summary of that position (which I am not very familiar with because I'm definitely more aristocratic) might be,

I want to share my life with someone, and you do too. Let's share life together.

My arranged marriage side is full-on peasant. Gimme a God-fearing guy and we will make it work and fall in love while doing so! <3 <3

My reality side is full-on aristocrat. *pulls out royal checklist* Similar theology? Wants to homeschool? Don't find him repulsive? Similar preferences? Enjoy being around him? Doesn't say something that totally shocks me and makes me want to run the other direction?

My arranged marriage side cries, "But there is no one! No one is interested!"

My reality side gerhumphs, "Yeah, they're interested. You're just not interested back in those that are interested."

I look at all the divisions we have as believers. I mean, not only does my future guy have to be actually saved and following the Lord truly (basic, basic bottom line there), but he also needs to not be Calvinist, not be Arminian, and he must agree on a myriad of other things that aren't doctrinal as much as having the right perspective.

And then there's personality. Because if we marry, we're going to have to live together. And there there's that intangible chemistry that makes you think being married would be better than being single (or, perhaps, being single is better than this relationship). And the time period of dating in which we wait with bated breath for the (seemingly inevitable) red flag (or accumulation of yellow flags) to wave and end it all.

I'm not cynical at all.

If two people can survive all that and end up married, then statistically, it seems a result of a divine miracle.

Praise the Lord such miracles do happen (and the couples stay together).

Or maybe those couples were just less picky.

What would I give up, relinquish, compromise on to be a peasant? I do not know. Because ideally, I do want someone that sees the world the same as me. I don't want to have to defend myself to my spouse. I don't want to fight rolling my eyes. (pride much?) I want to enjoy being with him as a person, both alone and in groups. I want to be completely attracted to him.

I want it all. I do.

I don't even know what it means to not have it all and still have a somewhat-compatible relationship. At one point do differences divide rather than naturally occur? I don't know. I don't.


How do we not lower our standards, but begin to adopt a peasant mindset that allows marriage to be more like God seems to have intended it--a complimentary meeting of needs via cherish and respect--and less like the 2D, flat characterization of two humans having everything they ever wanted satisfied in the other without any annoying aspects portrayed? I do not know.

I'll need to go pray about that...

Any wisdom out there from people who are doing it?


Sweet potato characterizations