164: Vday and rambling

This year I'm struggling just a bit with the upcoming Valentines Day. In years past I've been able to console myself with thoughts of a girls party, complete with chick flicks, staying up late, and way too much chocolate and other yummy treats. Maybe it's because I've done that too many times since last Vday, but I would rather the holiday pass me by without party or focusing on love-is-in-the-air.

The last couple months have found me focusing on self-improvement. Thanks to an accountability group set up by a friend in December, and thanks to the power of the Holy Spirit opening my eyes, I came to realize that I could make goals and change what I wanted about myself. I have a strong will and little discipline, so lately I had been resigning mself to who I am, which was appropriate for a season, but now, at long last, and through God's grace, I feel like I can be who I want to be, who God wants me to be. So I've set little goals for myself and am enjoying being more intentional.

I like my life for the most part. My job is fulfilling and time-consuming. It gives me an unending outlet for creativity. Outside of work I have a solid group of girls to have fun with.

But still, Valentines...sometimes I see FB posts by married friends and all of a sudden feel like my life doesn't matter. It does though. But it's different. Their life is different from mine and mine is different from theirs and that is what God has planned, but sometimes different doesn't feel equal in value. Sometimes it feels like they are moving ahead and I am still in the same stage of life I've always been in.

So much of life has nothing to do with a mate. I live. I live life. I hear from God and I move forward and backward and forward again. I make decisions and I depend on God for my sanctification and I interact with kids daily and am thankful that I have the opportunity to impact the next generation even if they are not biologically mine.

But still. Valentines. I don't want to see all of it on my FB feed.

I look at pics from my alma mater and it saddens me to think how little I took advantage of the unique situation of being in a massive coed single community. Do you know how rarely I interact with single male peers? Or even married male peers? It's so rare that that's probably why I'm single--I don't even know how to interact with guys my age! (slight exaggeration)

But then I've also realized lately how rare true fellowship is for me. I've tasted it a couple times in the last couple months and it tasted so...deep. I think I have become shallow the last year or so and I think I did so on purpose. I think I realized I was analyzing guys too much, and so in order to make myself more relaxed, I relaxed everything. Once out of the habit, I avoided meaningful conversation because usually it's over an over-hashed topic anyway, is more academic than practical, and involves disagreement. But oh what have I lost of myself by losing my depth? And so I am re-seeking that.

This is what we call a rambling post :)

Meanwhile, this week is spirit week at school. Today my class all dressed in yellow. Then I had to go out in public in my yellow polka dotted dress, yellow zip-up jacket, and yellow headband. I felt...very bright. But besides sticking out, I think I actually liked looking cheerful today. Not sure if I'll ever do it again though. :)

This ramble was written on my phone. I think that should serve as a bonafide, cover-all excuse.
Goodnight :)