Singleness. It bites ya every once in awhile.
In your less than strong moments, do you ever wonder if it's your fault that you're single? Do you wonder if you messed it up when you were younger? If you were too PICKY (that word :/)? If you didn't put yourself out there enough? Considering my own possible guilt in the matter usually brings anger and hot tears. As if everyone else stumbled on the magic formula while I sabotaged myself.
Even if I did sabotage myself, it wasn't from willfulness. If I "missed out" on a crush some decade or so ago, it was because I didn't know how to bring attraction to myself (still don't!). If I "missed out" on some potentially amazing guy in my 20s, it's because I didn't know that I could give a guy a chance (ie. not snub) unless he was 90-100% marriage material.
The fact is I was not ready earlier. I don't mean God waits until you're "ready," but I can't deny that God has done His work in the years of my singleness, as I know He is still doing, and will continue to do in my singleness. What lessons have I learned as a single, sparing me the pain or disillusionment of learning it while married? Maybe if I had learned about the fallen nature of human beings through my husband instead of through my single relationships I would have become disillusioned about the beauty of marriage. Sometimes I feel this hunger for a guy that is often really hunger for God--I wonder if I had married before realizing that was spiritual hunger if I would have drained my husband dry with possessiveness before realizing I just needed God time. What if I had encountered my own impatience in parenting instead of in teaching? I probably would have been disillusioned again, and my life dreams would have spiraled, instead of accepting that I'm a sinner in need of sanctification.
I accept the blessing of learning some things while a single, not because it is a superior, or inferior, blessing, but because it is my blessing. My lot. My gift.
I'm going to keep messing up in this whole pursuing, being pursued, and being involved in relationships thing. I take comfort in knowing I will have run the race well if I let God do His work in me, circumstances be what they may.
"I accept the blessing of learning some things while single, notbecausee it is a superior, or inferior, blessing, but because it is my blessing. My lot. My gift." ...this single thought it's both profound and simple. A lesson well worth the knowing though, doubtless,costly to learn. I think it is called contentment.
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