She had been in the ICU for about a week, which wasn't anything new. My grandma had been to the ICU many times and come out ready to take care of her dog, her two cats, and the cat across the street.
But this time my mom, who has been taking care of my grandma's health for awhile, wasn't so sure if she was going to make it. So, with my mom and my younger niece, I went to visit Grandma on Wednesday.
I got to visit her alone first. Almost immediately, she started telling me that she loved all of us and that she would miss all of us. Then she started telling me I could have the platters in her china cabinet, and if I wanted any of her dishes or furniture, I could put them in storage for when I have a home of my own.
How do you sit by someone and pre-suppose they are going to die when you don't want to assume they are going to die? When they are still alive? When you have seen them bounce back so many times before?
How do you listen to someone you love tell you they are going to miss you?
She was in so much pain. Her breathing was labored.
I stayed through my niece's portion of the visit and then we left to let her eat dinner.
The next day I went to work. I was supposed to leave at noon for another Homeschool Alumni reunion in Oregon but decided to wait to leave til the next day so I could visit her again in the afternoon. Around 9:30 I found out the doctor said she might only have a couple hours. Do I wait until noon as planned or do I try to get someone to cover for me now? Because I work at a school that values people over convenience, I was able to finish giving the week's spelling tests and then head south to the hospital where my mom, aunt, and brother-in-law were waiting. My grandma was sleeping, but my mom encouraged me to wake her up.
She didn't act like she was going to die. Her breathing wasn't labored. We were able to just hang out. She was thirsty and wanted ice to chew, so I fed her ice. Quality time. I got quality time with my grandma.
Then we left to let her sleep.
Hours later, we went home as she continued to sleep.
By morning, she was gone.
I have never lost someone I was that close to. How does one deal with death? I don't know.
The feeling reminds me of a break-up. The dark cloud that just hovers over you, the feeling of dread.
But this isn't a broken relationship, is it? It is a separation, yes, but only a physical separation.
Her death, the end of her life, does not negate all the LIFE she lived.
We may never again experience her physical presence, but we have all the memories of the love and laughter and, yes, even quirks she poured into us time and time again, and death does not taint that or take it away or cancel it out.
Death sometimes is horrific. But I keep reminding myself that she lived a full, good LIFE. Everyone that knew her loved her.
Death does not negate her life. It simply puts a time-stamp on the end-side of it.
I want to thank those who prayed for us when I texted before my grandma passed. I want to thank those who have prayed and extended their heartfelt condolences since she passed. I want to thank my two friends Naomi and Bethany who have gone above and beyond the call of friendship. Naomi, for being my wise counselor when I was trying to decide whether to stay home or go to the reunion (and visit you!), and then being my sounding board through text and phone since you've experienced it too. Bethany, for not only being the best "wingman" ever, but for also being willing to put feet to our friendship (offering a meal, saying I could hang out even though your sister was visiting) and for being my sounding board even if I just needed to gab.
Sunday night my mom and I drafted the words for my grandma's gravestone. It will read "Her legacy lives on in those she loved."
Thank You, God, for 31 years with a present, loving, giving Grandma.
No comments:
Post a Comment