285: footnote to "the fullest God wants for you"

I watch a reel of Full House--Jesse finding out that his wife Becky is pregnant--and oh goodness, I want to be them.

I remember that phrase: the fullest that God has for me. For me personally.

What if it's not.........

Hands raised. Soaking in the reality that a marriage relationship is something I may never have.

Like your life flashing before your eyes, because that is not who I ever wanted to be. I don't want it to stay this way for the rest of my life even if it is a good life.

The fullest God has for us--we literally have no idea if our whole future will change tomorrow or if it will stay the same. But, in His hands, it will be amazing.

That's living by faith.

284: the fullest God wants for you

On Monday at Bible study we read the classic Ephesians 2:10: For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them.

I wondered what others thought: the good works God prepared for us, are those general or specific to individuals? I tend to think general, one or two people said specific. Either way, the verse started the topic rolling in my head. A catalyst for what was to come.

Later that week I was listening to the YWAM International Adventures book Bring Your Eyes and See by Steve and Marie Goode. In the book, they remembered a time when Marie felt God tell her that she could have your husband healed, get pregnant, and have a baby or they could have God’s maximum for their lives. It was their choice to make. They felt God give them that choice again later, to go back to Switzerland or to choose God’s maximum—their choice (from chapter 7: Right Appearing).

Around the same time, in the Kindle Unlimited book I was reading--Space, Time & the Shopkeeper--the main character encountered a similar choice. Excuse the sci-fi element, but the character had the choice whether to continue to be transported in her dreams to real places in real life where she could really help people, or to continue to live her normal life. She hears a Voice tell her, “I won’t force you to do anything you don’t want to do. I just want you to be the fullest I made you to be. I want you to be yourself. Not who you think you are or want to be, but who you truly are” (chapter 11, Decisions, Decisions).

Then this morning, I picked up the top book in a stack of singleness books I planned to widdle down, because goodness, I have so many books! Chapter 1, first page, quoted the back cover of Learning to Be a Woman by Kenneth G. Smith: “A woman becomes a woman when she becomes what God wants her to be.” Now, maybe this was intended to be a generic statement, but for me, it sounded like the third echo this week of the same message: God has a specific vision for what my life could be.

With God confirming the same type of message three times, I'm left with my hands open going, "Lord?"

What about you? Is God speaking something to you too these days?

Proverbs 3:6: “In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths.”

283: upwards this Easter

With two friends in the throes of new relationships and with Easter Sunday tomorrow–the day when families go to church together and ladies show off their new dresses while I’ll be going solo wearing something already in my closet, I’m going to need this reminder.

So much of our struggles center around earth and our lives here. And to an extent, that is good and natural. But we are called to something higher. We are called citizens of heaven, a kingdom not of this earth. So, while we live in the nature God created and feel the ebb and flow of emotions and desires innate to our physical, God-handmade bodies, we also need to circle back around and upwards to what is eternal.

The other day at a Passover seder, the worship leader closed us out with “Hymn of Heaven.” 

“There will be a day when all will bow before Him.”

That, sisters, is the grand finale of our time here on earth. The anticipated culmination our lives are heading for. (I feel like there’s a Latin word here I’m forgetting. Any ideas?)

“In the end, we'll see that it was worth it

When He returns to wipe away our tears”

Every year the locusts have eaten will turn into praise as we see, finally see, the One we’ve claimed faith in all these years.

“On that day…[we’ll] stand beside the heroes of the faith.”

We can’t forget that we belong to a whole host of faithful throughout generations, spread across continents and time eras, and representing every personality and idiosyncrasy possible. In Christ, we are members together, witnesses of the only true God, the One who loves us so much He was willing to sacrifice Himself to save our rebellious behinds.

Together we’ll sing, “Worthy is the Lamb who was slain.”

Because, single sisters, these momentary afflictions will be swallowed up in victory. Our eager waiting will find its blissful home in the presence of Jesus. All will be how it was supposed to be.

So, as we paddle through the waves of families this Easter Sunday, as we join family members and notice our own non-parenthood or non-spouseness, let’s circle back around and up to why we are here, what we are celebrating, the One who holds our eternal identity. May God give us grace to remember our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ.

And if just reading this makes you want to mope, Ize sowwy! I'm not trying to minimize singleness for you right now. Gurl, I've been surrounded with nonstop relationship talk all during my Easter break, and I literally have no prospects. Unless I want to spend $50 to get on Christian Mingle and read the message I was sent. Yeah no. Ok, maybe. I'm not currently severely struggling with singleness--thank God! But, the last thing I want to do is be a voice that says you need to suck it up and not feel anything tomorrow. At my church's Good Friday service yesterday, we heard a clip from a John Piper sermon about the suffering of God and all Jesus suffered for us. He suffered physical torture. I'm a soft American. I would rather go through some emotional anguish than physical pain. But so much of our brothers and sisters in Christ have suffered physically for Jesus. I guess it just brought some perspective. We need to figure out how to give ourselves grace when we are struggling with singleness and also not forget our heavenly citizenship at the same time.

282: online dating?

Every once in awhile, someone will ask me if I've done online dating. If you have ever read back into the early posts of this blog, you will know, yes, yes, I have. I don't do it now, though. Because how on earth can I decide whether to initiate a hi or respond to a smile to any of these guys based on a photo (that I may not even like) and sparse info?

But, you know, every once in awhile, I log back into my ChristianMingle account and browse for 20 minutes until I can't take it anymore and get off.

Tonight, however, when I logged in for my regular check-up, I found not only had the format of the site changed, but suddenly I had a whole list of matches, and several of them said they were "NEW." Whether they are new matches for me or new to the site, I don't know.

Dragon's Teeth rock formation in Maui

But I do know this:

There is nothing new about these matches. :-P

Oh, hello. I think I messaged you before. Or hearted you? You never replied.

Same with you. I know I favorited you.

Oh, and you. Yes, I actually went on a date with you (which I totally forgot until now). Well, it wasn't really a date, because I made it soooooo lowkey. But, you didn't want any more kids, and that was a dealbreaker for me. So, we faded out. Except, after talking with you, I began reconsidering if a guy not wanting any kids was truly a dealbreaker. It still is something I wonder about.

And you! Ah yes. We emailed quite extensively until you ghosted me. I was never ghosted before or after, but now that I know what ghosted means, your abrupt cessation of all communication definitely qualifies. It was a good, short-lived acquaintanceship though. I think well of Huntsville, Alabama, because of you.

Oh, howdy-doody, I met you in person at an event in Oregon a few years ago. You're cute, but as we didn't hit it off then, I have my doubts now. Or maybe I'm just too proud to offer myself up when you were interested in other girls on that trip.

And you, well, ha! Yes, I had a crush on you for a long time. But we've been around that mountain before, haven't we?

And there's the guy that's been on there for years. I can't remember why I've never made an effort for him (and I don't remember him ever messaging me), but if I opened his profile, I'd probably see why. (I looked. He goes to church "occasionally." Sigh. He is cute and local.)

All that to say, online dating is a tool that totally works for some people. The most I've ever gotten out of it is an innumerable host of friends I met because one guy asked me if I had heard of Homeschool Alumni and told me about a retreat they did up in Oregon. So, I may still be single, but I think I got my money's worth out of the deal in friendships, multiple travels, and a singles community. :)

In the words of my friend in response to today's matches, "Well, that's just so reassuring that, you know, our chances of meeting guys on ChristianMingle are still what they always were. Nothing. Nothing at all."

Lol, that's not a slam on ChristianMingle or other sites. Just how we feel when people ask if we've tried online dating.

P.S. There is one really cute "Bible teacher" guy on there that I've never seen before. But I can't message him until I pay $50 for a month's membership. #facepalm

281: doin' what does not come natur'lly

As some of you may know, I’m a middle school teacher at a small Christian school. One of the many subjects I teach this year is world history, which requires learning things that feel new to me despite my history degree. Recently, one of the topics I researched was the Safavid Empire, the Islamic precursor to modern-day Iran. What does this have to do with singleness? Come for the history lesson; stay for the application. ;) 

Shah Abbas is considered the second founder of the Safavid Empire. He kicked out the Ottoman and Uzbek forces from Persian land, ushered in the Golden Age of Persia, and ordered a magnificent blue ceramic mosque to be built. Yet, despite the kingdom flourishing, Abbas was paranoid about others seizing his power. Paranoia stemming from childhood trauma led to Abbas blinding his father, his brothers, and two of his sons. He even killed one of his sons and then later regretted it.

But in world history, royal paranoia and family killings are par for the course. Earlier in the same unit, I taught about Taizu, the founder of the Ming Dynasty in China, who had 70,000 of his government workers killed because of his paranoia–and that was after 30,000 were killed throughout a fourteen-year internal investigation.

Concurrent with these lessons about Chinese and Persian rulers, in Bible class we were reading about the life of King David. 1 Kings 15:5 says, “David did what was right in the eyes of the LORD, and had not turned aside from anything that He commanded him all the days of his life, except in the matter of Uriah the Hittite.” Except for that one instance with Bathsheba, David’s heart abided with the Lord. Although David was a king among the kingdoms of men, his heart did not camp out on the natural way of doing things.

Now, externally, David’s experiences should have prompted the same paranoia seen in his pagan counterparts. For example, before David was officially installed as king, his father-in-law, King Saul, saw that the spirit of God was upon David, heard the people praising his military exploits, and felt so threatened that he chased David around the countryside trying to kill him. Then later, once David became king, his own son Absalom staged a temporarily successful coup against his dad and had himself proclaimed king.

David had every reason to worry that someone was going to take his power.

But David entrusted himself and his kingdom to the Lord. His trust in God’s sovereignty wasn’t a cliche either. His troubles were real and large. “LORD, how they have increased who trouble me!...Many are they who say of me, ‘There is no help for him in God’” (Psalm 3:1-2). Imagine having those around you shake their head and say that God is not with you, that He does not have a good plan for you, that He is not there to help you. I can’t imagine.

Connecting History with Singleness

One day after work, I sat in my car struggling with my singleness and had a brief Psalm 73 moment. I thought how it was ignorant for me to think if I just spent a week or month in focused prayer that God would finally bring me a husband. Others have prayed and fasted, and God hasn’t given them husbands.

I was responding very naturally. I was seeing with the eyes of the kingdoms of men. But that’s not who I am called to be or how I am called to respond. David set an example of how to look at real problems and choose to trust God to do what God does.

“I will not be afraid of ten thousands of people Who have set themselves against me all around” (Psalm 3:6). Ten thousands of people! This isn’t a blind faith. It isn’t a crutch. Trusting God is an intentionally different-from-the-world way of approaching real problems. It is choosing to step into God’s kingdom and do things differently.

When David fled Jerusalem during Absalom’s coup, he sent the ark of the covenant back to the city saying, “‘If I find favor in the eyes of the LORD, He will bring me back and show me both it and His dwelling place. But if He says thus: “I have no delight in you,” here I am, let Him do to me as seems good to Him’” (2 Sam 15:25-26).

David didn’t presume that he was owed anything before the Kingship of God even though he was completely in the right and Absalom was completely in the wrong. He submitted his future to God’s justice and higher wisdom, however that may look. So, even when we as single women can rightfully claim that God Himself did institute marriage the sixth day of creation, David gives us this example of still letting God be God, whatever He wants to do.

As David and his men traveled down the road away from Jerusalem, Shimei trailed along on the hillside above, cursing and throwing stones and kicking up dust. One of David’s men was like, “Can I please go kill this guy?” But David said, “‘See how my son who came from my own body seeks my life. How much more now may this Benjamite? Let him alone, and let him curse; for so the LORD has ordered him. It may be that the LORD will look on my affliction, and that the LORD will repay me with good for his cursing this day’” (2 Samuel 16:11-12).

And how did it turn out? We know David did return to Jerusalem as the victorious king once again. But David was willing to let God decide how it would play out.

In my school’s chapel, a guest pastor preaching on the armor of God said that, when we are living righteously (per the breastplate of righteousness), there is a certain level of protection God gives us that we don’t have otherwise. That stuck out to me, because I don’t always recognize that. Sometimes it seems like I take on the norms of this world and the natural way of seeing things and almost purposely do not put on the eyes of faith. But if I’m going to choose to live in the kingdom of God–the kingdom I have been spiritually born into–then I cannot grab onto what I see with my natural eyes and wave that in front of God’s face and tell God that that’s all He’s doing. I have to see counter to nature.

This winter I was in San Francisco with a single friend I rarely see enjoying some amazing Salt & Straw ice cream (see pic of their salted, malted, chocolate chip cookie dough). I was telling her about a situation where two people were hesitant about pursuing a relationship in case it didn’t work out. Her response struck me between the eyes because it was so in line with the kingdom of God and my brain was so not there. With a good amount of passion, she replied, “Well, why don’t they fast and pray and see what God’s will is? Do they think God won’t show them what to do?”

Oh yeah….

The natural way of doing things doesn’t take into account that our God is in heaven and He does what He pleases, that He is allowed to do what He pleases, and that He has a history of intervening on behalf of His own.

I thought I surrendered my singleness to God when I was 20 years old, and then again years later. But now, at 39 years old, as I’m hitting my head against this unanswered prayer of wanting–needing–a husband, trusting God with the outcome like David did does not feel natural.

Because it isn’t.

Truly letting God do as seems good to Him is an intentional choice to step into the kingdom of God and do the opposite of what the kingdoms of men do.

May God give us the serenity to live more fully in His unique kingdom and not default to doing what comes naturally.

280: the green-eyed monster and my place in this world

Have I mentioned I struggle with comparison? The green-eyed monster has skulked in my shadow since I was little, ready to rear its head at the slightest provocation.

“You should rule over it” (Genesis 4:7).

So, when my admin raved, absolutely raved, about a new hire, those green hackles rose immediately. I grabbed that monster by the throat and continued intentionally smiling, refusing to be dragged down by its jealousy. But the claws had already tightened around my shoulders, and my emotions had already decided I did not like this new coworker. I did not like her, Sam-I-Am.

Influxes of information have only confirmed my initial response. In every area where I have suffered from insecurity or been insufficient, she is a master: perky, motivated go-getter, multiple college degrees, can pull off cute dresses, loves spending time in the Word, knows everything about cooking from scratch, is passionate about healthy eating, and has the love of middle schoolers before she's even taught them one class.

Get behind me, thou green-eyed monster! Because, this data is making that part of my flesh salivate as though I’ve already been infected with comparison, and heaven help me, I will not be dragged down by its power!

In comparison, I, at least, well, um, I know how to surf Facebook? #fail

There are some people in this world who, if we compare ourselves to them, we’ll always come away with a deficit. I could list all my good qualities. I could list her bad ones. The scales are never going to come out even.

But–

Back in the day, CCM artist Michael W. Smith had a famous hit called “Place in This World.” The chorus went, “Looking for a reason / Roaming through the night to find / My place in this world / My place in this world.”

That’s the truth, isn’t it? You and I, we both have our own places in this world. Our own God-ordained purposes.

The ladybug that only lives for a few months. She has her place and her purpose in this world.

The sunset that spreads across the sky for only a few minutes. It has its place and moment of glory within a singular day.

And you, whether you are physically/emotionally dragging right now as you read this or are astonishingly put together, you have your place and your purpose in God’s world.

Sometimes, only God knows what place that is. You can roam through the night to find it, you can sprint forward with all your might as the green-eyed monster of jealousy and comparison pounds the pavement behind you, but you truly do have a God-seen place in this world. Keep moving. Keep believing in God’s hand on your life. Don’t look back. Don’t let comparison catch you.

~*~

An almond blossom fulfilling
its place in this world

P.S. I've made my peace with my green-eyed monster by realizing something. It's way too much a coincidence that a paragon of the virtues specifically targeting my insecurities is now my coworker. I think God is allowing this situation to test my journey out of insecurity and com
parison, because it's just too ridiculous otherwise! Recognizing that actually makes me feel more secure, and I don't have to get riled when I am tempted to feel like I'm in competition. That's good, because jealousy never produces good fruit.

279: a tale of Cain, crushes, and comparison

I was at a weekly Bible study, contemplating A) a guy I liked, B) the girl I thought was perfect for him, and C) my own imperfections in comparison with her. Specifically, how haggard and lackluster my face appeared in comparison with hers and the question of how could I recommend myself to him when, given the chance to meet her, he would probably, most definitely, maybe, hopefully not, prefer her to me.

So there I was at Bible study, trying to speak truth to myself and NOT play the comparison game as we continued our study of Genesis 4.

"And in the process of time it came to pass that Cain brought an offering....And the LORD respected Abel and his offering, but He did not respect Cain and his offering" (Gen. 4:3-5, NKJV).

Man, I feel for Cain. Putting aside what we know about him and the label he would wear for the rest of history, the very real choices he voluntarily made--in this moment in verses 3-5, he is not yet a murderer.

He is a boy who (conjecturing here) feels like God has rejected him. He feels the weight of the burden that he did something wrong while his brother didn't. His brother gets a pass, but he has to work to be better. What he did, or what he had, was not enough in comparison with others.

The Lord comes to Cain, and He doesn't rebuke Cain's offering. As far as we know, God does not tell Cain why his offering was refused. But God does ask Cain about his emotions. "Why are you angry?" The Lord goes straight to Cain's response to his Creator's negative feedback. "And why has your countenance fallen?" (Gen. 4:6) When God does not accept what you've done, Cain, how do you respond?

"If you do well, will you not be accepted?" (Gen. 4:7a)

This isn't a permanent rejection from God. This is a chastisement at best. It is a redirect. Yes, yes, you actually did mess up. But--listen--you always have the hope that intermingles with repentance. God is the Father of the prodigal son, He is the Savior of fallen mankind, He is the provider of sacrifices--of the Sacrifice--because He wants our sin to be washed from us. One rejected offering is not the end.

But Cain isn't listening. He is all wrapped up in insecurity and jealousy and the need to be right and the compulsion to be on top of others.

So with kindness, God warns him of danger. "And if you do not do well, sin lies at the door. And its desire is for you, but you should rule over it" (Gen. 4:7b).

Cain's feelings--whatever cocktail of falsehoods and fleshly responses they were--were mixing up to be the gateway to tangible, life-marking sin. But there was a doorway between Cain's feelings and giving this moment over to those feelings.

Choosing rightness over conflicted feelings is always an option. But Cain chose the latter. He let hurt and embarrassment take over until they slow dripped into something false and carnal. He allowed feelings to form the premise he believed, and it led straight to taking his brother's life.

Cain became a man synonymous with evil. 1 John 3:12 says, "Cain...was of the wicked one and murdered his brother. And why did he murder him? Because his works were evil and his brother's righteous."

Humility would have saved Cain this deserved infamy. Cain would have been saved if only a compulsion to please God had overridden his urge to defend himself.

Ouch. How strong sometimes is our desire to defend ourselves? To make ourselves appear better than whoever if only in our own eyes? Embarrassment or hurt grab hold and take us for a spin.

In Cain, that exacerbated me vs. them mentality became his very real slippery slope, landing him in a sin from which no repentance could remove the consequences.

The Lord knows us, loves us, knows exactly where we need to change and what we need to accept. As we live out our lives as women with various insecurities and disappointments, let's always circle back around to submitting our natural tendencies to the One who calls us to a higher standard than petty comparison. That is where we'll find safety.

278: Unstoppable Growth

In my backyard is a hedge. I have no idea what it is called. I have no idea how long it has lived there. When I moved in, it was a full bush, but contained. In the last
month or so it has become a determined monster, stretching tendrils out into the air, not even caring when it can't find anything to latch on to, but claiming the nearby tree it did find with a vengeance. On Saturday, I cut back some of the reaching hands. There were tendrils that had intertwined with other tendrils, strengthening into cords. I really emotionally hesitated trimming the plant back. Such dogged persistence should be awarded, not hacked away with scissors. I made sure the cuttings got inside the yard & garden bin and weren't able to latch on to the nearby oleander. I had no doubt that, even trapped inside a plastic bin, one of those vines could latch on to a host tree and begin growing its dominion again.

Meanwhile, my pansies are more temperamental. On the porch? Shriveled. Under the backyard tree? Gasped for life. On the chairs next to the house? Nearly died. Under the front yard tree? Happy! But even then, as the summer heart intensifies, I'm fairly certain they will wither again, permanently this time.

Our spiritual lives--our affections--our response to God's pursuit--are we more like the determined green tendrils, always pushing forward, or are we more like the pansy, needing the conditions to be just right to meet with the Lord, always on the edge of wilting? Different seasons, different levels of strength, right? Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it; prone to leave the God I love.

There is grace to take whatever level of strength we have right now and, not compare ourselves to a different plant, but take what we do have and push a bit deeper. And then a bit deeper still. To make another hard but necessary choice. To stay a little bit longer in silence, in the Word, in prayer. Until one day we can look back, see our growth, and praise God for His preservation when we were weak.

277: comparison

I struggle with comparison. Like, it's one of my default weaknesses.

The thing is, we are all so different.

I am a single woman in her late 30s, who rents a room cheap from an old family friend, eats dinner almost every night at my parents' home, and spends time on Facebook in a singles' community and watches low-budget Christmas romance movies for fun.

I have a friend who lives in a rural area, rearing three boys with her husband, milking cows, feeding sheep, tending a garden, making homemade yogurt and soup and bread. She plays board games with her husband and reads thick history books for fun.

The comparison is stark. And it is so so so tempting to devalue myself and my life in the process.

Her life is real. Mine is fake. Her life is meaningful. Mine is "city girl" shallow.

My life is what it is because I have chosen to stay in the same town where I grew up, to pursue life here. I have chosen friends who are such quality, God-loving people, but who share similar interests as me. I would like to think my life is what it is because God has sovereignly directed me so far. I know that's been true as far as my job. I could still make different choices and change my life from what it is. And maybe He is calling me to some changes--our lives are not meant to be static, without any sanctifying growth. But I don't think I have heard Him call me to a dramatically different life than what I currently live. (Though maybe with less movies?) And the thing is, I would still take myself along to any circumstance I lived in.

Which leaves me with a choice. Do I accept my life as good in its place in His grand scheme of things?

That is so very difficult for me. To value my contribution. To be okay with the differences between me and a married friend. To not feel judged...by myself. 

And to grapple with whether I do need to make any changes. Whether I even want to. Whether I should want to.

What about you? Do you compare yourself negatively to others, are you confident in your differences, or do others inspire you to improve?

276: quick update from the middle

I'm attempting to write this book on singleness, right? But as I come up on a year of working on it, I realize anew how this year for me in my personal life has been a year of abject sifting. Sifting of my need to know why things happen, my mental grappling trying to understand what does not make sense to me, what I think should not be, a fresh upheaval of my insecurities as I try to dive deep, my faith, just everything. I think, objectively, it has been *one of* the hardest years of my adult life, and it hasn't blown over yet. Just a constant struggle for the last 11 months.

I would think one would want to write from a place of victory. You want to communicate light and goodness and an honest path to victory. But instead, I feel like I'm trudging through that Pilgrim's Progress Slough of Despond, and let me tell you, juggling all the parts of a full length book and not knowing what on earth you've written, and wondering if the tone is appropriate (not even if it makes sense!), and wanting to point people honestly (versus through platitudes) to God while still being sympathetic to the struggle, and really, just juggling all the different parts--it's yet another sifting of my lifelong natural bent toward insecurity.

But. I'm still here. He has caused me to still be here. Still enduring. Continually bobbing me up to the surface when I drown and drown again. Knowing exactly how much I can take and then giving me a break, a blessing, a breath of air. Giving me a reset. Speaking to me explicit reminders of His guidance and provision when I began panicking. No, I'm not talking about the book. I'm talking about life. And the One who is good.

So, no conclusion here. It's really hard to see clearly when you are in the middle of it, but I will, you will, hold on to Him as He holds on to you.

275: at this moment in the singleness journey

Where are you on your singleness journey? I'm curious. It seems everyone has different seasons within the season of singleness.

Currently, I am in an odd-to-me season.

9 months ago I was wearing a beautiful ring on my finger. After months of hoping that I might finally be able to do life with a real guy, maybe this was actually happening. But the hopes were cut short, and I adapted back to familiar singleness. But, with some twists.

For one thing, I didn't feel particularly needy. Maybe that started earlier in my 30s, but something about just coming out of an intense relationship left me feeling a bit less empty, oddly enough. Like, I don't need to jump into something else right now while my heart is healing.

I've also realized how not-lonely I am. I have my friends, my work, and my online community of fellow-singles. I can barely remember life before I had this network zigzagging across the United States. I really don't know if it's because I'm in my mid-30s and am thoroughly entrenched in single life or if it's because I rarely feel "alone," but I generally do not struggle with loneliness or lack of companionship.

Which makes it weird because I am writing a book about wrestling with prolonged singleness. One of the huge pieces of singleness is that desire for a companion, and I just haven't been feeling it enough to be able to write about it as accurately as I like. Thus, why I want to know how everyone else's season is going. Is it just me? Or is this common to one's late 30s?

Something else about beginning this writing project shortly after my breakup is that I had to start dredging up all the feelings I've ever wrestled with regarding singleness, even though I wasn't necessarily feeling them right then. I have done so much of the deep wrestling via this blog. Since I've wrestled it out, the feeling of lack is more often in short bursts than long periods of angst. I've been trying to relive some of the angst in longer-fashion so I can, again, be accurate about the source of those short bursts. It's a bit odd to try to stir up and hold onto genuine painful feelings on purpose. Writing life?

One thing that has been surprising is how I still experience late-night, painful mental overdrive thinking about the ended relationship. That has nothing to do with writing. That's just my current life.

While I may not have this constant ache to not be single--because I honestly don't--I do still really miss having someone to set all my hopes onto and feel that perhaps it will be reality that I will spend my life with this real guy and we'll have a real, ordinary home and life together.

So, again--where are you in your singleness journey?

274: hurry up vs. wisdom

One of my 4th graders this week said that he wished engagement wasn't a thing, that you just were married. I hear ya, boy. 

But life is more nuanced than that, isn't it?

Arranged marriage is great if you are willing to play Russian roulette on the rest of your life.

Skipping the dating process and marrying someone who seems great on first glance without taking the time to get to know them seems easier if you're willing to risk all because you're impatient and scared of what you might learn.

Bypassing engagement sounds carefree if you don't realize that sometimes the period between wanting all your dreams to come true and when all your dreams will come true--that middle "promise" period--can shake the tree hard, sifting whether there is fruit among the hopeful leaves.

So yes, 9 year old boy, sometimes it would be nice if engagement wasn't a thing. But any time you have a waiting period in life--singleness, dating, engagement--you are blessed with the opportunity to double-check what it is you're waiting for, and if the destination will be as glorious as you've dreamed up in your head. Time draws thoughts out of you that a rushed series of events cannot. Get wisdom, get understanding is the Scriptural command, not hurry up and get this show on the road, no matter how much we think that hurrying would give us all we want more than the counsel of wisdom would. 

273: God's emotional dichotomy at the same time

Sometimes we feel like our feelings have to be on one extreme or the other. I'm finding when I read Scripture that God has strong feelings on both sides of the spectrum at the same time.

In Jeremiah 31, the nation of Israel has been exiled to Babylon and taken into captivity there by kings more powerful than themselves because of their sin. Their sin has been so great and consistent for so long, that they aren't even allowed to stay in the land that God had promised all the way back to Abraham. The land needs a break from their wickedness. In Jeremiah 2 and 3, God likens Israel to an adulterous wife: "[W]here have you NOT lain with men?" (Jer. 3:2).

And yet, at the same time, in Jeremiah 31:4 God says, "Again I will build you, and you shall be rebuilt, O virgin of Israel!" And again, "Turn back, O virgin of Israel . . . . How long will you gad about, O you backsliding daughter?"

Nothing about Israel's behavior was virginal. God had clearly condemned her for having the opposite behavior. His wrath against her was that of a husband and protector betrayed, but His love for her is equally fierce, so much so that He calls her a virgin, as if we can pretend none of this ever happened. "'[Y]ou have played the harlot with many lovers; Yet return to Me,' says the LORD." (Jer. 3:1)

He does the same thing in the book of Numbers. Ever since Moses arrived to deliver Israel out of Egypt, they have been one complaining, disbelieving lot. In Numbers 21, they say, "Why have you brought us up out of Egypt to die in the wilderness? For there is no food and no water, and our soul loathes this worthless bread." (Num. 21:5) Yeah, that would be the bread that God Himself provided miraculously with the dew every morning. In response to this round of hostility, God sent fiery serpents that bit the people, until they were willing to repent. That's God's relationship with Israel at this point.

In Numbers 22, the king of Moab hires Balaam to come and speak curses on Israel so the king can overcome them. God takes charge of Balaam's mouth. Don't you know, God can chastise His people, but no one else better mess with them! Balaam declares about God, "He has not observed iniquity in Jacob, Nor has He seen wickedness in Israel." (Num. 23:21). What. on. earth?!

This is our God. According to Scripture, He seems to have these fierce dichotomous emotions--at the same time! He fiercely hates sin and punishes it, and He fiercely loves His own and protects them despite their sin. He is big and grand enough that He can feel and act on both emotions at the same time! Isn't that what the cross is too? The intense affront to His holiness that sin is must be punished with blood, but His intense love for His creation results in Him shedding His Son's own blood on our behalf.

Both/and, without devaluing either emotion in the process.

272: happy with this

I've felt guilty wanting to be in a relationship when I just came out of a relationship with a wonderful man while several of my friends have never had that chance. It feels greedy of me. But someone recently reminded me that it is natural to want to be in relationship. It is a human desire and shared by all humans, no matter your dating history.

And so I stand here in the middle of the night in the kitchen typing on my laptop, emotionally eating pumpkin bread leftover from a girl friend who visited tonight. I had the delight of introducing her to a favorite TV series--one of those that perfectly combines drama and humor and character development and just a hint of romance. But, she has gone home, my parents are asleep, I am here with a free weekend ahead of me, and--

And I am thinking about how happy I am teaching this year.

I am thinking about how if I was doing anything else, I would still want to make time to teach Bible to kids.

No, my "career" is not a relationship. My students go home to their families, and I go home to my parents. I do not currently have my own husband and children to pour into. But I have my parents to honor, and I have students with whom I can share so many things that God has taught me since my youth. I am living life. I am pouring out what God has poured into me. It makes me happy.

I also found out I never watched last week's episode of Chesapeake Shores, and that kinda makes me happy too. :)

Notes to self: It isn't a comparison game. It is about living the cards you've been dealt, knowing that you aren't at the mercy of fate but under the will of God.

Addendum to self: Don't stay up too late or you'll stay up til 2am trying to avoid the feeling of aloneness.

271: a selection of 15 unhelpful things people say to singles

I recently asked a group of Christian singles for unhelpful things people say to make us feel better in our singleness. I got some doozies! 

Birthday flowers from a student's mom

1) If you stop looking, it will come to you.

This doesn't even make sense. First, we don't use this logic for anything else we want in life, like a job. Second, it's not Biblical (just clear your mind of all thoughts and what you most desire will magically appear). Third, if I'm not looking, then why would I say "yes" to a coffee date?

2) Maybe God is waiting for you to ____ first. / Once you become content, then God will bring a spouse to you. / God will bring you someone when you're ready for marriage.

Marriage isn't a bargaining chip! Marriage isn't something you earn. One person insightfully noted that the idea that we're not married/dating because we're not ready "gives the unhealthy and damaging notion that singles are defective by default." Also, were you ready when you got married?

3) Don't be so picky. / Perfect doesn't exist.

Please tell me what it is I'm too picky about because I don't know what it could be. I don't want to be picky--maybe you could teach me what you mean--but I also want to marry someone I WANT to be married to. The world is full of people who SHOULD have been more picky. 

4) I don't understand why you aren't attracted to so and so or so and so.

I don't either (or maybe I do!), but you can't force yourself to be attracted to someone. That doesn't sound like a good basis for a happy marriage.

5) Maybe it's because of your physical touch boundaries. / How do you expect to get married if you dress modestly?

Y'all, if this is the issue, we've got bigger problems than delayed marriage.

6) Be less able to do manly things and men will like you more. / I think you might be too put together.

I've never personally been accused of either of these, but it seems unfair to ask someone to hover in a state of incapability or weakness years on end in order to catch a man.

7) Have you tried online dating?

Yes, I have. Have you? It's not all it's cracked up to be.

8) Get out and meet more guys.

This was said to a girl who meets Christian guys all the time--know your audience!

9) You're trying too hard. / You need to flirt more. 

Just. can't. win.

10) Have you ever prayed about it?

Yes, actually. :)

11) I'm jealous of all the free time you have. / You're so lucky you can do whatever you want without worrying about a husband/kids.

I WANTED the hard sanctification of marriage and kids. Your life would have been my first choice. It was GOD who gave me this life. So, please don't make me feel guilty for having the potentially "easier" life, because you have no idea how many years it's taken to be okay with God choosing a LACK of what everyone else experiences to sanctify me.

One lady added, "That's the thing though, it's not easier. It's different...different challenges, different joys, different heartaches."

Also, you don't have to downplay your married life to make us feel better. Aren't you grateful for your husband and kids?

12) Singles are naturally selfish. They can't help it since they don't have a spouse or kids.

This was a quote from a speaker. God help us all.

13) ...when you are asked to babysit, dogsit, etc. BECAUSE you are single.

It's not that we mind helping, but you aren't doing us a particular "favor" by asking us to help. Just because we are unmarried doesn't make us the perfect candidate for jobs that have been traditionally teenager jobs.

As two commenters put it, "Contrary to popular opinion, not every single woman is dying to hold babies and listen to four small children scream simultaneously," and there is the false assumption "that babysitting someone else's kids will make me less sad about not having my own kids."

14) One day someone will want you.  / I'm so proud that you're content with having no one.

Someone needs to repent of their insensitivity. Also, with the second statement, do you know me, my journey, my current desires? If not, then shush.

15) God has someone special for you. It's just a matter of trusting and waiting.

A good marriage partner is NOT a guarantee -- fake news! To me, this is the worst of the well-intentioned statements. It's saying something about God that isn't true, and it gives false hope.

~*~

Maybe this selection of things said to singles will help us all evaluate the platitudes we dish out whenever we are trying to soothe wounds or mend any situations we have no control over. I hope to do another post on HELPFUL things people say!

270: purpose of my singleness

I've been through a lot of life change since my last post. Or, rather, maybe it hasn't been much change as much as much change of hope. Since the last post, I both got engaged and got un-engaged. Then I spent my short two month summer break busily going hither and thither and yon to keep myself from spiraling with the reality that what I had unconsciously been setting my hopes on was now...nonexistent.

Now I'm continuing the process begun years ago--wrestling with the possible reality of never getting married.

I am not discarding hope. Hope for marriage and family and to be a homeschool mom is so ingrained into the fiber of who I am that it is going to take either a complete metamorphosis or a knife to cut that expectation away from me.

Last week I had a good week. I fought every day to remind myself that my life has purpose, and that I am (generally) happy with my life, and it's okay to not have the life scenario I wanted (who does?). But by the end of the week I realized that it had been a good week because I had fought constantly to uphold those truths.

And then, I became too tired to fight I guess and plummeted back to earth where I have to fight again to scrape myself up.

The reality is we have to mourn, and as any counselor will tell you, grieving doesn't end, it comes in waves, it just changes. The other day I saw my hair (yes, my hair) in a far-away mirror, and I had to wrestle with the grief that no one will ever (permanently) admire my hair. That my hair is worthless beyond being part of what makes me feminine to the world. All those who have not gone through long-prolonged singleness may not realize even the little things that we have to mourn that are meaningful losses to us.

Every one has a different reason why singleness is so hard for them or why a future marriage is so important to them. For me, it's been mostly purpose. If I were married, I'd have a built-in purpose in life, I've thought. Recently I asked a question in the Facebook singles group I'm part of (PtL to know we're not alone!!). "What is one purpose you can see God has for your current singleness, one way He is using you?" I typed. I had already thought of a few ways before asking the question, but I lay back on my bed and decided to ask God the same question.

The answer was unexpected.

He took me right back to one of my life verses:

"You are My witnesses," says the LORD, 

And My servant whom I have chosen, 

That you may know and believe Me, 

And understand that I am He. (Isaiah 43:10) 

He is using my singleness to increase my knowing of Him. He is using my singleness to know Him and believe Him.

"[T]o be a witness to God is, above all, to know, believe, and understand Him. All that He asks us to do is but means to this end. He will go to any lengths to teach us, and His manipulation of the movements of men...is never accidental. Those movements may be incidental to the one thing toward which He goads us: the recognition of Christ."--Elisabeth Elliot, The Savage My Kinsman

If He is using my singleness so that I can know Him, who am I to argue? If He is using my singleness specifically for His eternal weight of glory, if He specifically has me here because He wants me to believe Him more through this circumstance and this is His pick for how that knowing and believing occur, then that is amazing. Painful in the loss, but amazing.

I was reminded of my other life verse, earlier in my late teens and 20s:

Yet indeed I also count all things loss for the excellence of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them as rubbish, that I may gain Christ (Phil. 3:8)

I'll be honest: I don't want to count all things loss. Listening to a friend talk about child-raising today knowing I may NEVER experience what she is talking about, knowing I am still in the SAME life stage and lack of experience that I was 20 years ago, is a LOSS that I did not choose (besides saying no to relationships for non-flippant reasons).

But, if that loss is for the EXCELLENCE of the knowledge of my Lord, that is something I can remind myself of as I fight for stability and happiness. This loss is not just loss. It is in exchange for knowing the excellent eternal Lord and growing in faith and believing.

The desire for what I have always wanted does not go away. The mourning does not disappear even as I look around and really enjoy the life I have. The fight continues on for stability. But, He has given me an amazing group of both friends in the same life stage and friends who are not who lift up my hands so the battle can go on. Whatever is going on in your life--and we all have something--keep fighting, keep wrestling, keep holding on, not letting go until He blesses you, even if you continue with a limp (Gen. 32:26).

269: the security

I look out over my kids (students) as they take their science standardized test. It is a moment of silence and calm in an otherwise hectic career. Having just taken some moments myself to reconnect spiritually via the last several day's devotionals in God is on the Cross (Dietrich Bonhoeffer), I am ready to  not just see the frustration of trying to educate willful and sometimes ignorant human beings, but now to catch a glimpse of the potential of each individual life that is sitting in these desks before me. Every person here is so unique, with their own interests, looks, desires--futures.

I pray, Lord--may they know You.

Why?

I mean, because that is the way of salvation, obviously. To have their sins covered, washed away, so they do not have to bear the punishment for their own sin.

But also--

That they can have the security that comes with knowing God.

With God, I am never alone.

With God, I have an all-powerful loving Father willing to work on my behalf.

Perhaps most impactful for me in my singleness, with God I have a reason for living, for every moment of my day. I live for a kingdom not of this world. I may not do it well. I may not live it fully. But I have an eternal purpose outside of my temporal circumstances. I do not find meaning only in loving a husband, in showing the world that God's design of marriage is good, in being sanctified as my selfishness is put to the test in living with a man to whom I've pledged my life, body, and heart. That's what we as singles want so badly. But--

Glory be! My life has MEANING and PURPOSE apart from my circumstances. Apart from any and every circumstance. Not just that *I* have value, but that my little life living at home with my parents, teaching at a country school, visiting with my friends, trying to hear God's voice through His Word and prayer--THAT life has meaning and purpose because the whole point of life is not either to endure xyz situations that seem to be the most spiritual OR to be blessed with xyz dreams, but rather in whatever we do, in word or deed, to live all for the glory of God.

Does it sound trite? Yes. But has it the power to change my perspective from despair over a wasted life because I'm not married to hope that God is still God? Yes.

And with that, I can hold my desire for companionship and intimacy and maternal satisfaction and separate it from the value of this single life that keeps slipping by with each birthday that makes me older. I can still want, I can still "need," all those physical things, but I don't have to feel subpar or under my married peers.

And that's simply from knowing the Lord.

So yes, I want my kids to know that they have value, no matter what family situations or future situations they face, simply because they are part of the kingdom of God. They have a Father to whom they are eternally connected, who directs the path of their lives, and who is with them every second, and wants their hearts.

268: between the realms + friendship

I was crying at the dramatic end of a show tonight (what can I say--
I'm tired!), and I found myself thinking of the guy I'm dating (boyfriend? can I use that word?).

It was another reminder that I am entering a season different than the one I've known.

A married friend once told me that getting married to her husband felt very natural. And, although I'm not even engaged, I can see what she means. I feel very much still myself. I actually like that. I don't wake up with dread in the pit of my stomach, like I have in the past. I don't have to wonder day by day if the guy I'm dating will change or if something will be revealed that will shake my world. His consistency is what I value. And in that consistency, I can trust and, yes, relax (now that I've gotten through the most trying stage--another story for another post).

But, back to feeling natural. I still feel very much like me. I haven't become someone else. I don't feel like I've attained something monumental by virtue of dating for 10 months. It's just...natural.

But I know that I am nearing the zenith of all the dreams of my singlehood. And not only mine, but the desires of all my single friends.

I know that if I were to marry, they would feel like they have been left behind. That they would feel alone, with unanswered prayers, and no companionship--or some combination thereof. Because that's how I feel so many times. Have felt?

See, that's where it gets weird. I'm like, oh, I so understand. But, then I go and think of my boyfriend instead of thinking of some mythical future guy or thinking about how it's just God and me, and it smacks me in the face that there IS a difference between single and not-single. It's frankly hard to reconcile the two--the friend I want to be because I'm single (ie. in the same season of life), and the friend I'll be despite not being single (in a different season of life). I feel the same. But I won't be the same. I won't be the same, but I wish I could be the same, and still not be single.

And the other problem is that God has brought me amazing settledness in the last few years of being in my 30s. Maybe even contentedness, if one can still strongly desire and still be content. But I don't know if that's because I've had sequential infatuations the last few years that have kept me from feeling all the pang of loneliness, or if it's that I've forgotten after almost two years of having my guy on my radar, or if it's just truly that I've felt more settled. (A friend in her 30s once told me that this decade was better than the 20s because you're more settled, and it's proven true. Now she's about to turn 40, so we'll see how that turns out.) So, sometimes I can't currently relate to my single friends who are in the thick of the desperate loneliness. Because I haven't felt that as much now as I used to.

More thoughts--

Part of me is like, once I'm married, I can hang out with all these married couples. My friend circle may expand.

Part of me is like I am still hanging on to my current friends! Don't you dare think I'm different just because I'm married!

Part of me thinks if I didn't make a point of hanging out with married couples when I was single--if they didn't include me, and I didn't make a point to try to be included--then it would be hypocrisy to join in the crowd now as if my status has changed my--or their--value.

*sigh* So many thoughts.

Meanwhile, I live betwixt the realms.

267: Letting Go of the Unknown

I wrote the following a week or so ago and sent the draft to a small chat group. Someone strongly encouraged me to publish it because she resonated with the concept and wanted to share it with her readers. So here are my thoughts from then, with a couple edits.

The journey from singleness to union is not what I would have expected. I would have thought that once you "arrive" at having found the one and fallen in love, that all former memories would pale in comparison. They'd practically disappear.

But, like a friend once told me, saying yes to one thing means saying no to another.

As someone who holds on to memories and clings to journals as mementos of who I have been, I find myself betwixt mourning what will never be again and embracing the fulfillment of all my hopes.

The other day I was thinking about how fun some past camping trips have been. But you know what was scintillating about some of those trips with other young people? Heading out of your tent to head to the campground bathroom in the early morning, knowing that few people have had the privilege of seeing you with sleepy eyes and messy hair, but feeling awfully scandalous (scandalously delighted) if the guy you have a crush on sees you. Or coming back from the shower with your hair wet and him seeing you. It's that hint of what you've always wanted--marriage with someone permanent--but it's like the whiff of chocolate chip cookies. You don't get the cookies, but the whiff excites you. But in marriage it seems like I'll get all the cookies. It seems like the teasing of the senses will be absent. I'll have someone who already sees me in my disheveled morning state every day, without the enticement from a chance meeting while camping.

Meet-ups too have lost their glow. The best part of meet-ups is the thrill of when someone you like makes eye contact, or talks with you, or when you serendipitously on-purpose find yourself sitting next to them or in their vicinity. But with marriage, you literally never experience the thrill of a slight acknowledgement from your crush ever again. Those 30 seconds of eye contact that you experienced at 17 years old that you STILL remember because it was so life momentous? In marriage, you don't experience the wondering what may happen: Will he contact you? What does this text mean? Could he like you back? The solidity of reality takes away the wisp of non-reality.

All we've wanted as women is certainty and a love of our own. But all we've known is uncertainty and the hope for something more. I feel a little bit of loss letting go of the hope in exchange for the reality. Hope projects fantasy on an un-actual future. Reality incorporates two people's current emotions, abilities, and mass and volume states, to create something that is very concrete and less ethereal than the hope that has kept me warm every day as a single.

I think I may need a rest-in-peace moment for all I've had...or haven't had.

266: not quite my covid-19 life

God's crinkly nature

When it comes to world events, I admit, I tend to be an ostrich. Perhaps not burying my head in the sand, but just not taking any effort to read the articles, watch the news videos, etc. (Dorcas Lane would call it "my one weakness," but alas, it's not.) So, while the world was stocking up on toilet paper and complaining about the hoarders and theorizing about whether the corona virus is overblown, deadly, or part of a conspiracy, I was very focused on my own little world. I was listening to a book about the Donner Party and reading absolutely GRISTLY ways that people tortured other people. I had to stop reading.

I'd been thinking about evil a lot lately, about persecution, about torture, namely. What is the corona virus compared to the imaginations of a human being completely given over to hate and wickedness? And the thing is, the Holocaust wasn't that long ago.

A friend mentioned, almost in passing, the church of Smyrna. So I looked up the passage in Revelation 2. Verse 10 stopped and held me.

"Do not fear any of those things which you are about to suffer."

Do not fear. Don't do it.

Not because everything will be fine. Just because we live in a sanitary world of flushing toilets, soap at every sink, and non-stop laundry facilities does not guarantee us a continuance of our cushy lives. How can people live with the threat of terror? How did the women pioneers crossing the plains and the Rockies find the courage to continue on when they knew they could be captured and scalped? How do people in Africa live life when the threat of guerrilla fighters overtaking their village is a possibility? How do pastors in China relax when they could be imprisoned yet again--and I won't even recount the torture I have heard of in third-world prisons.

Do not fear.

Not because God will protect me from it. The verse explicitly says that the believers in Smyrna were about to suffer.

But, do not fear.

Scripture says it over and over and over again. Do not fear. I am with you. Do not fear. I will provide for you. Do not fear--I see every sparrow that falls, and are you not of more value than many sparrows? Do not fear, highly favored one. Do not fear, I am with you wherever you go. Do not fear any of those things which you are about to suffer. Fear God. He neither faints nor grows weary. He never slumbers or sleeps. He is a consuming fire, and He WILL see justice is meted out on the wicked. He is jealous for you. He has secured You as His child with the very blood of His Son. A mother may forget her newborn baby, but God will NOT forget you. You are His bride. You are His future. Greater is He who is in you than he who is in the world.

So, stop fearing. It is a directive. It is not conditional on circumstances. Just stop. And trust Him for the grace in that moment, whenever, if ever, that moment comes. But for this moment, right now, do not fear. Do not fear.

What is the victory that overcomes the world? Our faith. Not faith in the seen, but faith in the unseen. And not faith that all will be well. Not blind faith. Have faith in Yahweh God Almighty, who is and who was and who is to come, and in His Son Jesus Christ, who is coming on the clouds, and every eye will see Him.

He's got us. And we have Him.