139: that towards which He goads us

We wrapped up our Science unit on birds today with a short bio on Audubon and some water coloring! So proud of my artists!

So some of you are probably wondering why I go on, and on, and on, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, about singleness. Clarification needed. Prolonged singleness, and the idea of perpetual singleness (because I tend to anticipate things years in advance), has become a catalyst for me to deal with root issues. Like what to do when life doesn't go according to plan. So yes, I am camping on this and blowing it out of proportion because I want God to use it to deal with issues in my heart.

And He is.

I've been dealing with words like "trials" and "believe." And then I show up at Monday's women's Bible study and the whole lesson is on James 1 and trials. I show up for today's If: Gathering, open the attendee guide, and the whole set of sessions is on believing.

God is speaking. It's going slow. Really slow. But He is speaking. To me.

Reading James 1 and listening to our Bible study leader on Monday, part of me wanted more trials. She used the example of a plane that is designed, built, and then tested to see if it'll work. He tests my faith to see if it's real, if it'll hold. I want to build those calluses of faith that only come from being tested and made stronger. I want to be the 80 year old with amazing peace and faith.

I want more of the fear of the Lord, ie. 1) more humility--letting God be God outside of my comprehension (If: Gathering, Jen Hatmaker) and 2) submitting under Him.

I want more faith--complete confidence even if I am struggling. I want to know and believe Him (Isaiah 43:10). Jen Hatmaker said that faith isn't about us manning up but how we think about God. That's a process. And we don't have to get there on our own. Jo Saxton said tonight, quoting what someone once told her, "The greatest thing about God being your Father is it's His responsibility to get it through to you."

Quoting Jen Hatmaker again, "Sometimes His ways seem crazy. They seem ridiculous." That's how I feel about His plan for my life. Well, back up. I'm starting to sense that He has a plan, and it's not my plan, and my plan doesn't count for a hill of beans except for Him taking into consideration the desires of my heart. But I'm starting to get the perspective that I am not in charge of my life, at least not in the area of getting a husband, not in those areas that I have no control over. And see, that's how singleness prepares us for anything. If I can reconcile myself to God being in control and not me, IF (and that's a big if) I can humbly submit to Him, if I can let Him unfurl His plan, however grand scheme of things it is when really in my world I'm focused on tonight, however crazy or ridiculous His plan seems to me and however not-my-choice it feels, then . . . *deep breath* then the miraculous happens. Then God's kingdom comes. Then His will is done. Then I actually am living up to that salvation prayer, "I confess You as Lord" (Romans 10:9). Then I am better prepared for all the other things that will inevitably happen in life that will keep trying to knock me down.

So that's what I've been working through. Singleness, esp. the idea of perpetual singleness, as a catalyst for faith, submission, trust, knowing God, believing Him. All sorts of good stuff that go way beyond the issue of today's singleness, which really seems irrelevant except for the fact that it spurs me to come to grips with God's ways.

"The word 'missionary' does not occur in the Bible. But the word 'witness' does. [. . . T]o be a witness to God is, above all, to know, believe, and understand Him. All that He asks us to do is but means to this end. He will go to any lengths to teach us, and His manipulation of the movements of men [. . .] is never accidental. Those movements may be incidental to the one thing toward which He goads us: the recognition of Christ." --Elisabeth Elliot, The Savage My Kinsman