I was at a women's retreat the last couple days. We stayed at a turn of the last century hotel, tucked far back from the road by acres upon acres of--I'm not sure how to describe it. Not forest. Not plains. Rocky grasslands? With small mountains and trees and a creek? Errol Flynn stayed at the 4-story hotel back in its glory days.
This morning a lady probably a few years younger than me, recently married, spoke about what she's learned about the subtle temptations of the world while working as an EMT and studying to be a paramedic. But then she also mentioned how sometimes we think, "I'm ready to be married. Why am I not married?" For her it was because her husband still had growing to do. That they probably wouldn't even have liked each other if they had met earlier. And so that that could be the same with is single ladies.
In the car driving home, one of my carpool ladies told of a missionary she knew who was one of the most spiritually mature women she knew and accomplished too. People would tell her, "Why are you single? You would make a perfect pastor's wife!" But she told my friend that she had a peace that God had it all under control. Later she went to another state and met a man, passionate about God, who had been in prison. Eventually they married. It turned out that's why she needed to wait--he had been in prison!
Two principles come to mind.
First, that's why we need to pray for our future husbands, which I confess I'm not good at. I like to think "he" (whoever "he" may be!) already has a history of following the Lord faithfully and studying His word, because then that means he's ready NOW. If I have to pray for him to know the Lord, then that means I have to wait for him to mature in the Lord before I can have him. But surely prayer is one way we can be a helpmeet now, even before we know the guy, by interceding for him.
Second, it's not always about the guy not being ready. I know I have grown so ridiculously much compared to my early 20s. And I still have so much room to grow, especially in male relationships. Does that mean God's going to make me wait? Is there a level of maturity needed before God brings two people together? No! God's ways are not our ways. He is the master playwright, working out His purposes, universal and personal, and we are His subjects, led by His expert hand to play the role designed for us. At least that's how I sometimes like to picture it.
I have a hard time reconciling the prolonged singleness of so many Christian women these days. And I have a hard time swallowing the phrase, "Your purpose is to glorify God." Because in there I'm like, okay, but again, why can't I be married and glorify God, since marriage is God's design? So I like to view it like an author. A story would be boring if all the characters led the same lives with no variation. I look at the world. There is no uniformity of fate--everyone has had to go through drastically different circumstances, even while the lessons learned may be similar. So with me. I am a player in a bigger drama than my desire to have a home with a man by my side. I am part of God's drama. And in this way I can reconcile, yes, I can probably submit to my role, even though I cannot see what the rest of my lines are, because as long as I'm following the Director then I am living purposefully and have worth.
I should end there because this is getting long, but nope, one more thought. I've always always always thought that if only I were married with kids then my life would have built-in purpose and ministry. It's like an ingrained belief. If only. Then I wouldn't have to work to make my life count. My time would be accounted for. I wouldn't be filling it with other things like now. I'd be too busy to have to worry about living well in all my spare time, and failing.
Well, Thursday evening of the retreat I realized that while I've been trying to let go of different parts of The Dream (to be a wife and mother) that are holding me back from living today, this is one thought-process that I haven't let go of that is holding me back. I wrote in my journal, "It's time to let go of waiting to have my time naturally filled with purposeful relationship-building."
I'm not sure yet how things will/could change. I know God's been working on one particularly stubborn stronghold--my downtime. But I don't know what the application will end up looking like yet for me.
Our God is good. His goodness and purposes are so much grander than our imagination.
"But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness . . . ." (Mt. 6:33)
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