150: active or dormant?

I'm afraid.

Sometimes I have strong desires.

And other times, those desires lessen.

And sometimes, I have strong desires that I'm afraid to let lessen. I cling to them as my own, as part of what I want, and I'm afraid that if I let those desires lessen then...

What am I afraid of?

I'm afraid that if I get the opportunity to do what I've always wanted to do, that I'll bypass the opportunity because I won't realize its enormous value anymore because I've stopped wanting it so much.

The other week I had to deal with this. Because I have such a bad memory, I was afraid if I didn't hold onto these feelings, that if xyz opportunity did arise, I would forget what a good thing it was and not respond appropriately. So, driving home from work one eve, I decided that I would just have to trust God. I told Him that if He wanted this opportunity to come, He would have to resurrect the feelings at that time. I would stop trying to grasp for a hold on them. (And later He did seem to confirm that He was capable of doing so)

Today I saw 9 month old baby pics on Facebook. Lately I've realized my desire for kids is waning, and I am so afraid to let that desire go. I don't want to be that person that doesn't want kids. I don't want to be that older single for whom it doesn't matter anymore if she does or doesn't have children. I don't want to wake up when it's too late and say, "What have I done to myself?" (as if wanting something means I'll get it and not wanting something means I won't get it).

But maybe when desires fade, they simply become dormant. They do not vanish, poof, nope, don't care anymore. They just lie dormant until God and circumstances resurrect them.

Lord, You know the dreams of my heart. Give me the perfect balance of action to reach those dreams and allowing those dreams to sink into inactivity for a season.

Anyway, tis the thoughts of my heart right now.