33: where I'm at

A blog with a focus on online dating and I haven't even mentioned it in what seems like a long while! There's a reason for that.

My eHarmony options petered out a month ago. Seems like longer ago than that when all the online drama was occuring. But anyhoo, I do have a 23 year old in my "Your Turn" folder, but I'm not ready to see how things would go with someone 4 years younger than me. Not online. Not with someone I don't already know is mature.

On ChristianMingle I've had several smiles. Some of them more amusing than not. Today I got one from a 49 year old whose second chin covered any existing neck and who attended church only on "special occasions." But his favorite actors were the same as mine! Jimmy Stewart, Errol Flynn, Olivia deHavilland. Now if I could get a younger man who had the same favorite actors . . . nah, impossible!



Errol Flynn and Olivia deHavilland
in The Adventures of Robin Hood (1938)



Jimmy Stewart and Jean Arthur
in Mr. Smith Goes to Washington (1939)



















But I did get a message from a seemingly very promising option on ChristianMingle. The only problem is *pause* I'm not a subscriber. So I can't reply. Not until I pay the $30+ for a month's subscription.

I prayed about it. The Lord answered "Wait until your spiritual life is better." I didn't like that answer. I never have liked any limits put on the possibility of finding "someone." I considered arguing with the Lord. But a friend's archived post reminded me of how ugly it gets when you try to fight God. It simply isn't worth it. Even today, quite randomly, I felt such gratitude to the Lord that I have no relationship or other commitment that I am struggling to hold onto in the midst of inner torment due to resisting God's will. And for once I thought maybe I understand when people say to hold everything with an open hand.

So I haven't paid the money to be active on ChristianMingle, and eHarmony, as I said, is currently dead for me. And thus why I haven't talked about online dating in the last month.

Alternate moral to the story: If you've never watched a Jimmy Stewart/Jean Arthur or Errol Flynn/Olivia deHavilland movie, you're missing out!

32: a worldview chasm

I guess when you enter the enemy's camp you should expect to be shot at. I just wasn't expecting the kind of ammunition that would be launched our way.

A friend of mine on Facebook (an unwed, pregnant teenager, by the way) posted a pro-life picture on the Planned Parenthood Facebook page.

You can imagine the conversation that ensued.

I think I've subconsciously always thought that if I could sit down with a pro-choicer I could reason with them for life.

What I did not take into consideration is that there has not simply been a worldview shift in our society. No, a CHASM separates the pro-life and pro-choice positions. We start from completely opposing presuppositions. Our definition of the value of life is so opposite that it is impossible to really debate.

my nieces and nephew, ten years ago

 

Evidences of the chasm (quotes taken from the raging FB discussion):

"Being pregnant is not our natural state." I have to wonder what is more natural than pregnancy?

Christians value babies and life. Pro-choicers call fetuses: "an unwanted non sentiment pencil eraser sized zef."

The Bible calls the fruit of the womb a reward. Pro-choicers say a female fetus "is invading someone else's body inside the womb. It doesn't matter what the gender of a fetus is, if it is unwanted, then we have every right to remove it. If it can't live outside of the womb, it is not our fault."

Christians believe that a fetus/baby is a result of sexual intimacy and that we are responsible for our choices. Pro-choicers say, "It's there against consent. And we're free to remove it. No one is under obligation to provide bodily resources for another person to live."

In reply to my comment that the fetus IS there with consent, that of two consenting adults, someone said, "Consensual sex is only consent for sex and orgasms. Consent must be continuous to remain valid. Consent can be revoked at any time."

This comment stunned me: "You also fail to realize that there is no right to life."

Perhaps the underbelly shows in this emotional reply, "And anyways I HAVE NO OBLIGATION TO RISK MY HEALTH AND LIFE FOR ANNNNYYYYYOOOOONE."

One lady summed it up well:

"Abortion advocates say nothing about

when life begins because it doesn't matter.
It's my uterus. I decide what stays in it or not.
Really simple."



A fetus is an unwanted invasionary force. The issue is not life. The issue is all about what I want.

Now I understand. Now the invisible chasm that separates Biblical teaching from the pro-choice worldview has become crystal clear.

All because of a Facebook discussion.


me

By the way, just because some people are adamant pro-choicers, that does not mean that many people aren't still on the fence, waiting to be convinced either way. My friend Rebekah is doing a good work with Students for Life! Also, God is in the business of regeneration--not just tweaking our points of view, but giving us a complete makeover!

31: they remind me of what I know

I was driving to a friend's house last weekend and turned on a Focus on the Family podcast. It was Ann Kiemel, sharing her story of wanting children ever since she was little, not expecting that once she was married she would have miscarriage after miscarriage, telling her listeners that she let sorrow take her by the hand and teach her many things, sharing how God provided an adopted son when she was 37 and then another adopted son five months after miscarriaging twins, and encouraging her listeners to keep dreaming. I cried with her and was inspired.

Sometimes we can KNOW God is faithful. But the glorious thing about surrounding yourself with the testimonies of other believers is that you can hear someone who has been through hell tell you on the other side that, yes, indeed, God is faithful. It's not just a fact or a theological belief or a promise. It's empirical reality--but it helps to hear that again and again from people who have experienced it.

Sometimes we can KNOW God is faithful. But then in my church community group a widow of five years shares her own experience. How when her husband died the last thing she wanted to hear were the normal God-is-in-control sayings. She knew her God, but she was in full-on grieving. Now, five years later, she tells us, from experience, that Christ transcends everything, including human emotions. So we can squirm and scream and that's okay, because God is not going to let go of our hand.

Sometimes we can KNOW God is faithful. But then I open up a book I borrowed from my friend. And it's Elisabeth Elliot in the preface to These Strange Ashes, saying that she underwent three lessons in God's sovereignty her first year as a jungle missionary. On this side of it all, she doesn't know why God lets bad things happen to "good" people (See, even Elisabeth Elliot hasn't solved this question!). But she can declare her trust in God and that He is worthy of her trust.

"The horses and chariots that the servant had first seen were real enough. [Elisha's servant] had good reason to fear, if that was all there was. They had no place to turn, it seemed. But for every visible reason for terror, there was an invisible and immensely more powerful reason for trust." --Elisabeth Elliot, preface to These Strange Ashes

 

I need community, not because I don't know the truth enough to get by on my own and not because I haven't experienced God's faithfulness many times in my own life. I need community because in the middle of life or trials I can lose heart and forget what I KNOW. The testimonies of others inspire me to believe again. To believe Him.

"'You are My witnesses,' says the LORD,

And My servant whom I have chosen,

That you may know and believe Me,

And understand that I am He.'"

(Isaiah 43:10)

30: I reserve the right

After teaching for a year in a (very) small, country, ultra-conservative Christian school, I know that I could send my kids to a private school like that one and they'd turn out perfectly fine. But I don't want to delegate the responsibility of schooling my children to someone else. I want that privilege. I want that responsibility.

I can't wait to be standing in my kitchen cooking, my little girl standing next to me, hand held tightly to my shirt, me teaching her how to count or what the sounds the letters of the alphabet make.

I can't wait to be folding laundry with three little ones, all of us singing Bible verses or the Westminster Shorter Catechism.

I can't wait to see a cool field trip online and be able to pack up my boys and girls and go, watching their world expand as they pet animals, climb on cannons, try on prairie bonnets.

I can't wait to plan their learning myself. I can't wait to integrate life and fun with learning.

Why would I want to send away my kids for up to seven hours a day? It might sound selfish, but I don't want to give someone else the privilege of seeing their eyes light up when they finally get a concept. I want to be the one to praise them when their handwriting is beautiful. I want to sit with them on the couch and hear them read, not for 15 minutes at the end of the day as homework, but as part of life.

I know it will be hard. You don't go into homeschooling simply for the joy of it. Homeschooling is like marriage--some days are really hard, but through it all, it's rewarding and worth it.

I know the answer to "why would I want to send away my kids for up to seven hours a day" is "because a couple hours of no crying or fighting or asking questions or making messes sounds great!" (especially to the homeschooling mom!)

 

"Where no oxen are, the trough is clean;

But much increase comes by the strength of an ox."

Proverbs 14:4

Some things are easier. Doesn't mean they're better.

And some things--like doing life (and school) with my kids--are too glorious for me to share with strangers. I reserve that privilege and responsibility for myself.

when I grow up distraction (v)

I went to a play this weekend put on by [apparently] a bunch of homeschoolers/homeschool grads. Even though I'm fairly removed from that culture now, I love going to these plays just to be part of it again.
 
So . . . when I grow up I want to be a homeschool mom! (I've known that for awhile, but every once in awhile you just have to unabashedly proclaim it!)

I LOVE HOMESCHOOL! (and that's after 12 years of it, folks)

29: mourning a deferred hope

"The truthful lip shall be established forever,

But a lying tongue is but for a moment." (Proverbs 12:19)

What a great verse to tell my kids! I thought this morning as I read it. Should I underline it? Write it down somewhere so I won't forget? No. To what purpose? I won't remember it. I don't have kids. I'm not about to have kids. I may never have kids.

And I broke down and cried.

Today I am in mourning for what I don't have--a family of my own.

I don't know whose fault it is that I haven't married yet. Lord, teach me how to mourn without being bitter or mad or blame You.

It's not even about getting a guy. It's about the life I've always dreamed of one day having. A reason to get up early in the morning. A reason to clean the house. A reason to shop the household good section of the thrift store. Falling in love and deciding on the right guy is just the big and important and tricky mountain that stands between me and that other life.

The grass isn't always greener on the other side.

I know. I don't want it to be greener. I just want it to be . . . a different shade of green.

My life now is good. It's a different kind of good than I wanted, but it's good.

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick" and, boy, that Scripture is so true.

It's okay to be heart sick. It's okay to be sad.

I will trust Him to see me through.

So today I'm mourning the deferrment of a hope, the dream of so many young Christian girls who are still waiting.

Waiting? Yeah. I can't stop hoping yet. I just can't.

(I'm making myself very vulnerable in this post. But I do so out of conviction--conviction that Christian young women should not be ashamed of wanting what God has called good.)
 

28: for love of ice cream or for love of God?

Who first thought of mixing milk, sugar, and ice? I don't know, but they were brilliant.

I love icecream. I LOVE icecream. It started when I was in college. It didn't help when I started working at the Snack Shop--my job was to serve icecream and make milkshakes. Everyone knew if you accidentally made more milkshake than the plastic cup could hold . . .you could sneak behind the divider and drink the leftovers. YUM! I loved to mix two or three different flavors. Options included Espresso Chip, Mint Chip, Butterfinger, Chocolate, Vanilla, Birthday Cake--but I digress.

Then there was Bible Conference freshman year where the field house offered $1 milkshakes for the week. A friend and I went over there, had a milkshake, then threw maturity to the wind and each ordered another! I think we went back again the next day with a mutual friend and had another round of $1 milkshakes.

Now, six years later, I'm trying to try to be good and cut back on sugar. At least I've been trying for the last couple weeks. Or has it only been a week? Ugh.

If I'm good, I can put a little symbol on my calendar--a circled S with a line through it. If I'm bad, well, I don't get to write anything.

As part of an interview process this week, I had to teach a lesson on the frog cycle to a class of kindergarteners this morning. Despite my apprehension, it went SO well. I left feeling accomplished and confident! I love teaching!

Then I went to my normal MWF job of teaching reading to a conglomerate of grades at a local Christian school. It went horribly. The kids weren't listening, everything was going wrong, as usual, and any confidence and pleasure in my abilities went out the window. I can't do this!

Before I even left the school I was figuring out how I could get some sugar before rushing off to tutoring.

Because, as the saying so aptly puts it, desserts is stressed spelled backwards.

On the drive to tutoring, I was slightly convicted. Was I going to find solace in a milkshake instead of God? Was my choice of therapy going to be icecream instead of my Father?

So, I prayed.

And right before the Chick-Fil-A exit, after quickly searching my heart, I decided that it would be okay to pray AND to get the cookies 'n' cream milkshake too.

Moral of the story: I've always got to remember that food or entertainment is the bandaid not the cure. God is the cure, though He can use food or entertainment to bless me!

Unfortunately, I've found it a lot easier to be deadened by entertainment than to pray about what is on my subconscious. Thankfully, God doesn't give up on our sanctification.