285: footnote to "the fullest God wants for you"

I watch a reel of Full House--Jesse finding out that his wife Becky is pregnant--and oh goodness, I want to be them.

I remember that phrase: the fullest that God has for me. For me personally.

What if it's not.........

Hands raised. Soaking in the reality that a marriage relationship is something I may never have.

Like your life flashing before your eyes, because that is not who I ever wanted to be. I don't want it to stay this way for the rest of my life even if it is a good life.

The fullest God has for us--we literally have no idea if our whole future will change tomorrow or if it will stay the same. But, in His hands, it will be amazing.

That's living by faith.

281: doin' what does not come natur'lly

As some of you may know, I’m a middle school teacher at a small Christian school. One of the many subjects I teach this year is world history, which requires learning things that feel new to me despite my history degree. Recently, one of the topics I researched was the Safavid Empire, the Islamic precursor to modern-day Iran. What does this have to do with singleness? Come for the history lesson; stay for the application. ;) 

Shah Abbas is considered the second founder of the Safavid Empire. He kicked out the Ottoman and Uzbek forces from Persian land, ushered in the Golden Age of Persia, and ordered a magnificent blue ceramic mosque to be built. Yet, despite the kingdom flourishing, Abbas was paranoid about others seizing his power. Paranoia stemming from childhood trauma led to Abbas blinding his father, his brothers, and two of his sons. He even killed one of his sons and then later regretted it.

But in world history, royal paranoia and family killings are par for the course. Earlier in the same unit, I taught about Taizu, the founder of the Ming Dynasty in China, who had 70,000 of his government workers killed because of his paranoia–and that was after 30,000 were killed throughout a fourteen-year internal investigation.

Concurrent with these lessons about Chinese and Persian rulers, in Bible class we were reading about the life of King David. 1 Kings 15:5 says, “David did what was right in the eyes of the LORD, and had not turned aside from anything that He commanded him all the days of his life, except in the matter of Uriah the Hittite.” Except for that one instance with Bathsheba, David’s heart abided with the Lord. Although David was a king among the kingdoms of men, his heart did not camp out on the natural way of doing things.

Now, externally, David’s experiences should have prompted the same paranoia seen in his pagan counterparts. For example, before David was officially installed as king, his father-in-law, King Saul, saw that the spirit of God was upon David, heard the people praising his military exploits, and felt so threatened that he chased David around the countryside trying to kill him. Then later, once David became king, his own son Absalom staged a temporarily successful coup against his dad and had himself proclaimed king.

David had every reason to worry that someone was going to take his power.

But David entrusted himself and his kingdom to the Lord. His trust in God’s sovereignty wasn’t a cliche either. His troubles were real and large. “LORD, how they have increased who trouble me!...Many are they who say of me, ‘There is no help for him in God’” (Psalm 3:1-2). Imagine having those around you shake their head and say that God is not with you, that He does not have a good plan for you, that He is not there to help you. I can’t imagine.

Connecting History with Singleness

One day after work, I sat in my car struggling with my singleness and had a brief Psalm 73 moment. I thought how it was ignorant for me to think if I just spent a week or month in focused prayer that God would finally bring me a husband. Others have prayed and fasted, and God hasn’t given them husbands.

I was responding very naturally. I was seeing with the eyes of the kingdoms of men. But that’s not who I am called to be or how I am called to respond. David set an example of how to look at real problems and choose to trust God to do what God does.

“I will not be afraid of ten thousands of people Who have set themselves against me all around” (Psalm 3:6). Ten thousands of people! This isn’t a blind faith. It isn’t a crutch. Trusting God is an intentionally different-from-the-world way of approaching real problems. It is choosing to step into God’s kingdom and do things differently.

When David fled Jerusalem during Absalom’s coup, he sent the ark of the covenant back to the city saying, “‘If I find favor in the eyes of the LORD, He will bring me back and show me both it and His dwelling place. But if He says thus: “I have no delight in you,” here I am, let Him do to me as seems good to Him’” (2 Sam 15:25-26).

David didn’t presume that he was owed anything before the Kingship of God even though he was completely in the right and Absalom was completely in the wrong. He submitted his future to God’s justice and higher wisdom, however that may look. So, even when we as single women can rightfully claim that God Himself did institute marriage the sixth day of creation, David gives us this example of still letting God be God, whatever He wants to do.

As David and his men traveled down the road away from Jerusalem, Shimei trailed along on the hillside above, cursing and throwing stones and kicking up dust. One of David’s men was like, “Can I please go kill this guy?” But David said, “‘See how my son who came from my own body seeks my life. How much more now may this Benjamite? Let him alone, and let him curse; for so the LORD has ordered him. It may be that the LORD will look on my affliction, and that the LORD will repay me with good for his cursing this day’” (2 Samuel 16:11-12).

And how did it turn out? We know David did return to Jerusalem as the victorious king once again. But David was willing to let God decide how it would play out.

In my school’s chapel, a guest pastor preaching on the armor of God said that, when we are living righteously (per the breastplate of righteousness), there is a certain level of protection God gives us that we don’t have otherwise. That stuck out to me, because I don’t always recognize that. Sometimes it seems like I take on the norms of this world and the natural way of seeing things and almost purposely do not put on the eyes of faith. But if I’m going to choose to live in the kingdom of God–the kingdom I have been spiritually born into–then I cannot grab onto what I see with my natural eyes and wave that in front of God’s face and tell God that that’s all He’s doing. I have to see counter to nature.

This winter I was in San Francisco with a single friend I rarely see enjoying some amazing Salt & Straw ice cream (see pic of their salted, malted, chocolate chip cookie dough). I was telling her about a situation where two people were hesitant about pursuing a relationship in case it didn’t work out. Her response struck me between the eyes because it was so in line with the kingdom of God and my brain was so not there. With a good amount of passion, she replied, “Well, why don’t they fast and pray and see what God’s will is? Do they think God won’t show them what to do?”

Oh yeah….

The natural way of doing things doesn’t take into account that our God is in heaven and He does what He pleases, that He is allowed to do what He pleases, and that He has a history of intervening on behalf of His own.

I thought I surrendered my singleness to God when I was 20 years old, and then again years later. But now, at 39 years old, as I’m hitting my head against this unanswered prayer of wanting–needing–a husband, trusting God with the outcome like David did does not feel natural.

Because it isn’t.

Truly letting God do as seems good to Him is an intentional choice to step into the kingdom of God and do the opposite of what the kingdoms of men do.

May God give us the serenity to live more fully in His unique kingdom and not default to doing what comes naturally.

271: a selection of 15 unhelpful things people say to singles

I recently asked a group of Christian singles for unhelpful things people say to make us feel better in our singleness. I got some doozies! 

Birthday flowers from a student's mom

1) If you stop looking, it will come to you.

This doesn't even make sense. First, we don't use this logic for anything else we want in life, like a job. Second, it's not Biblical (just clear your mind of all thoughts and what you most desire will magically appear). Third, if I'm not looking, then why would I say "yes" to a coffee date?

2) Maybe God is waiting for you to ____ first. / Once you become content, then God will bring a spouse to you. / God will bring you someone when you're ready for marriage.

Marriage isn't a bargaining chip! Marriage isn't something you earn. One person insightfully noted that the idea that we're not married/dating because we're not ready "gives the unhealthy and damaging notion that singles are defective by default." Also, were you ready when you got married?

3) Don't be so picky. / Perfect doesn't exist.

Please tell me what it is I'm too picky about because I don't know what it could be. I don't want to be picky--maybe you could teach me what you mean--but I also want to marry someone I WANT to be married to. The world is full of people who SHOULD have been more picky. 

4) I don't understand why you aren't attracted to so and so or so and so.

I don't either (or maybe I do!), but you can't force yourself to be attracted to someone. That doesn't sound like a good basis for a happy marriage.

5) Maybe it's because of your physical touch boundaries. / How do you expect to get married if you dress modestly?

Y'all, if this is the issue, we've got bigger problems than delayed marriage.

6) Be less able to do manly things and men will like you more. / I think you might be too put together.

I've never personally been accused of either of these, but it seems unfair to ask someone to hover in a state of incapability or weakness years on end in order to catch a man.

7) Have you tried online dating?

Yes, I have. Have you? It's not all it's cracked up to be.

8) Get out and meet more guys.

This was said to a girl who meets Christian guys all the time--know your audience!

9) You're trying too hard. / You need to flirt more. 

Just. can't. win.

10) Have you ever prayed about it?

Yes, actually. :)

11) I'm jealous of all the free time you have. / You're so lucky you can do whatever you want without worrying about a husband/kids.

I WANTED the hard sanctification of marriage and kids. Your life would have been my first choice. It was GOD who gave me this life. So, please don't make me feel guilty for having the potentially "easier" life, because you have no idea how many years it's taken to be okay with God choosing a LACK of what everyone else experiences to sanctify me.

One lady added, "That's the thing though, it's not easier. It's different...different challenges, different joys, different heartaches."

Also, you don't have to downplay your married life to make us feel better. Aren't you grateful for your husband and kids?

12) Singles are naturally selfish. They can't help it since they don't have a spouse or kids.

This was a quote from a speaker. God help us all.

13) ...when you are asked to babysit, dogsit, etc. BECAUSE you are single.

It's not that we mind helping, but you aren't doing us a particular "favor" by asking us to help. Just because we are unmarried doesn't make us the perfect candidate for jobs that have been traditionally teenager jobs.

As two commenters put it, "Contrary to popular opinion, not every single woman is dying to hold babies and listen to four small children scream simultaneously," and there is the false assumption "that babysitting someone else's kids will make me less sad about not having my own kids."

14) One day someone will want you.  / I'm so proud that you're content with having no one.

Someone needs to repent of their insensitivity. Also, with the second statement, do you know me, my journey, my current desires? If not, then shush.

15) God has someone special for you. It's just a matter of trusting and waiting.

A good marriage partner is NOT a guarantee -- fake news! To me, this is the worst of the well-intentioned statements. It's saying something about God that isn't true, and it gives false hope.

~*~

Maybe this selection of things said to singles will help us all evaluate the platitudes we dish out whenever we are trying to soothe wounds or mend any situations we have no control over. I hope to do another post on HELPFUL things people say!

270: purpose of my singleness

I've been through a lot of life change since my last post. Or, rather, maybe it hasn't been much change as much as much change of hope. Since the last post, I both got engaged and got un-engaged. Then I spent my short two month summer break busily going hither and thither and yon to keep myself from spiraling with the reality that what I had unconsciously been setting my hopes on was now...nonexistent.

Now I'm continuing the process begun years ago--wrestling with the possible reality of never getting married.

I am not discarding hope. Hope for marriage and family and to be a homeschool mom is so ingrained into the fiber of who I am that it is going to take either a complete metamorphosis or a knife to cut that expectation away from me.

Last week I had a good week. I fought every day to remind myself that my life has purpose, and that I am (generally) happy with my life, and it's okay to not have the life scenario I wanted (who does?). But by the end of the week I realized that it had been a good week because I had fought constantly to uphold those truths.

And then, I became too tired to fight I guess and plummeted back to earth where I have to fight again to scrape myself up.

The reality is we have to mourn, and as any counselor will tell you, grieving doesn't end, it comes in waves, it just changes. The other day I saw my hair (yes, my hair) in a far-away mirror, and I had to wrestle with the grief that no one will ever (permanently) admire my hair. That my hair is worthless beyond being part of what makes me feminine to the world. All those who have not gone through long-prolonged singleness may not realize even the little things that we have to mourn that are meaningful losses to us.

Every one has a different reason why singleness is so hard for them or why a future marriage is so important to them. For me, it's been mostly purpose. If I were married, I'd have a built-in purpose in life, I've thought. Recently I asked a question in the Facebook singles group I'm part of (PtL to know we're not alone!!). "What is one purpose you can see God has for your current singleness, one way He is using you?" I typed. I had already thought of a few ways before asking the question, but I lay back on my bed and decided to ask God the same question.

The answer was unexpected.

He took me right back to one of my life verses:

"You are My witnesses," says the LORD, 

And My servant whom I have chosen, 

That you may know and believe Me, 

And understand that I am He. (Isaiah 43:10) 

He is using my singleness to increase my knowing of Him. He is using my singleness to know Him and believe Him.

"[T]o be a witness to God is, above all, to know, believe, and understand Him. All that He asks us to do is but means to this end. He will go to any lengths to teach us, and His manipulation of the movements of men...is never accidental. Those movements may be incidental to the one thing toward which He goads us: the recognition of Christ."--Elisabeth Elliot, The Savage My Kinsman

If He is using my singleness so that I can know Him, who am I to argue? If He is using my singleness specifically for His eternal weight of glory, if He specifically has me here because He wants me to believe Him more through this circumstance and this is His pick for how that knowing and believing occur, then that is amazing. Painful in the loss, but amazing.

I was reminded of my other life verse, earlier in my late teens and 20s:

Yet indeed I also count all things loss for the excellence of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them as rubbish, that I may gain Christ (Phil. 3:8)

I'll be honest: I don't want to count all things loss. Listening to a friend talk about child-raising today knowing I may NEVER experience what she is talking about, knowing I am still in the SAME life stage and lack of experience that I was 20 years ago, is a LOSS that I did not choose (besides saying no to relationships for non-flippant reasons).

But, if that loss is for the EXCELLENCE of the knowledge of my Lord, that is something I can remind myself of as I fight for stability and happiness. This loss is not just loss. It is in exchange for knowing the excellent eternal Lord and growing in faith and believing.

The desire for what I have always wanted does not go away. The mourning does not disappear even as I look around and really enjoy the life I have. The fight continues on for stability. But, He has given me an amazing group of both friends in the same life stage and friends who are not who lift up my hands so the battle can go on. Whatever is going on in your life--and we all have something--keep fighting, keep wrestling, keep holding on, not letting go until He blesses you, even if you continue with a limp (Gen. 32:26).

267: Letting Go of the Unknown

I wrote the following a week or so ago and sent the draft to a small chat group. Someone strongly encouraged me to publish it because she resonated with the concept and wanted to share it with her readers. So here are my thoughts from then, with a couple edits.

The journey from singleness to union is not what I would have expected. I would have thought that once you "arrive" at having found the one and fallen in love, that all former memories would pale in comparison. They'd practically disappear.

But, like a friend once told me, saying yes to one thing means saying no to another.

As someone who holds on to memories and clings to journals as mementos of who I have been, I find myself betwixt mourning what will never be again and embracing the fulfillment of all my hopes.

The other day I was thinking about how fun some past camping trips have been. But you know what was scintillating about some of those trips with other young people? Heading out of your tent to head to the campground bathroom in the early morning, knowing that few people have had the privilege of seeing you with sleepy eyes and messy hair, but feeling awfully scandalous (scandalously delighted) if the guy you have a crush on sees you. Or coming back from the shower with your hair wet and him seeing you. It's that hint of what you've always wanted--marriage with someone permanent--but it's like the whiff of chocolate chip cookies. You don't get the cookies, but the whiff excites you. But in marriage it seems like I'll get all the cookies. It seems like the teasing of the senses will be absent. I'll have someone who already sees me in my disheveled morning state every day, without the enticement from a chance meeting while camping.

Meet-ups too have lost their glow. The best part of meet-ups is the thrill of when someone you like makes eye contact, or talks with you, or when you serendipitously on-purpose find yourself sitting next to them or in their vicinity. But with marriage, you literally never experience the thrill of a slight acknowledgement from your crush ever again. Those 30 seconds of eye contact that you experienced at 17 years old that you STILL remember because it was so life momentous? In marriage, you don't experience the wondering what may happen: Will he contact you? What does this text mean? Could he like you back? The solidity of reality takes away the wisp of non-reality.

All we've wanted as women is certainty and a love of our own. But all we've known is uncertainty and the hope for something more. I feel a little bit of loss letting go of the hope in exchange for the reality. Hope projects fantasy on an un-actual future. Reality incorporates two people's current emotions, abilities, and mass and volume states, to create something that is very concrete and less ethereal than the hope that has kept me warm every day as a single.

I think I may need a rest-in-peace moment for all I've had...or haven't had.

254: it's okay to feel that lack

I'm considering applying for a specific job position next year.

And I wish I could discuss the idea with a guy. (Not like a dad-guy, but, like, someone who is somewhat invested in my future...you knooooow.)

My latest writing project just got published.

And I'd like to share it with a guy.

But--

Sometimes in life there are times when we really want to share something with a significant other. And that just isn't possible.

Usually for me that happens when there is someone I'm getting to know, or am somewhat interested in, but the natural progression of our friendship hasn't quite arrived at the point of being able to share whatever it is I want to share.

It's aggravating.

You know what? That is okay. It is okay to not have a guy to share those things with. It is okay to feel that lack.

You can feel that missing piece and still be okay. We can still thrive.

Not because of girl power, or because God didn't say it wasn't good for man to be alone, but because God can and does provide all you need, and if you do not have someone right now, well...I have to believe you have enough until God provides a miracle to fill your need.

That's all.

252: the x factor

I am not sure I am using that term right. I'm thinking it means that undefinable factor that makes something work, no?

I was watching Mystery 101 tonight. It's a Hallmark mystery.

I've been watching a lot of Hallmark mysteries lately, courtesy of Frndly TV (for the first time ever, I can watch Hallmark NOT on YouTube??). And I've noticed something.

Those characters give eye contact. A lot. They give each other their full attention. I mean, they hold that eye contact when any normal person would look away.

It's not realistic. At all.

And yet.

Have you ever interacted with someone who actually looked at you when you spoke? Whose expression said that they were completely focused on you and understanding what you were saying? Not just understanding, but listening to you, your soul.

And not just giving you their full attention, but liking what they were seeing?

It is rare. I think it must be a personality mutation that only a few people have, to be able to give that full focus and bestow that feeling of worth.

And that's what some of Hallmark's actors capture through much professional labor and experienced directing by the makers of theatrical romance.

But, is it possible that we could bottle up just a little bit of that fake focus and actually employ it in our real lives? Because you don't have to have movie makeup and hair stylists and be a model to make someone feel like they are the most valuable person to you right now.



via GIPHY

248: Valentines Day post

I brought the Sunday school kiddos (all 1 of them, and then another joined us) into the sanctuary for worship this morning. We were singing "At the cross You beckon me, You draw me gently to my knees." It's not my favorite song, lyrics-wise. But two sections popped out to me and set me really thinking.

"On it my Savior, both bruised and crushed

Showed that God is love and God is just"

Ack! I love SO much that God is BOTH of those things and not just one. There is such fullness in knowing that God is not just loving, but that He is powerful and that He doesn't put up with garbage (not my usual terminology, but it suits). He doesn't put up with the wicked coming against Him as though they can fight against the Almighty God of the Universe and win.

But, that doesn't have anything to do with Valentines Day.

The second part that stuck out was, "wholly surrendered."

It resonated with what I was pouring out to the Lord while the songs were being sung.

This hope of a relationship all us single girls hold--it's fragile. I have been through "failed" relationships. It HURTS. A couple have broken me. I've been through other circumstances too. I've felt the deep darkness of a black hole when my world rocked with new, unexpected information.

It makes me want to wrap myself up, build my castle walls, and look with a very, very wary eye at hope of a relationship. Mmhm. Yeah, you can feel slightly elated, but I wouldn't count on it happening for nothin'.

(Every time I hear of a single I know online getting into a relationship I'm like, mmm...probably won't last. I mean it's great, but statistically...)

And that's not right (well, at least the hopeless-kind of skepticism I direct at myself). That's being governed by fear and skepticism instead of hope. It sounds like self-protection, but it is not healthy.

The thing is, even if I'm never in another reciprocal relationship (because we all know non-reciprocal, unrequited "relationships" will continue to happen cuz they're our life-blood :-P). Or even if I'm in a relationship that bombs out. Or if I'm not. No matter if I'm single for the rest of my days--WHATEVER, and I mean WHATEVER the future holds as far as companionship and marriage--I have hope.

You know that hurt and black hole I mentioned before? I know I've blogged about this before. Those experiences--those experiences of pain and tears and cannot-Cannot-CANNOT--I am so so so thankful for them.

Because they have PROVEN God's faithfulness. They have PROVEN that life will not end in pain. They have PROVEN that I have hope on the other side of brokenness. They are my guarantee that even if I fall onto the shards of shattered expectations again--if I let myself open up and I'm shattered--that my life is not over. He will get me through. His plans for me are not through. I am held in hands that redeem. I am held in hands that can use me. That to live is Christ and to die is gain, and, as another song goes, "In the hands of our Redeemer, nothing is wasted."

(Y'all. If I ever do get married and have kids, I want to name one something like "faithfulness." Like "Fidelidad" or "Leal.")

Anyway, so this Valentines Day, I'm trying not to focus on the ROMANCE (in big, fluffy letters) of the holiday. Because, discontentment is painful too. :-P I am embracing the holiday (girls partayyy!). And I'm focusing on NOT clinging to expectations--positive OR negative--but clinging to God's goodness and faithfulness no matter what.

Valentines Post 2018
Valentines Post 2017

247: planning

I've been feeling a bit blue, unusually lonely.

I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because of how early it goes dark.

Tomorrow I'm teaching Sunday School. Our key verse is Galatians 4:4 - But when the fullness of time had come, God sent forth His Son....

I'm reminding myself how God had the birth of Jesus planned for many, many years. He orchestrated all the different events so it would come down to that moment in time when Light would break through the darkness.

God doesn't live my life moment by moment or season by season. He declares the end from the beginning. Whatever He has planned, He started arranging things to make it happen long before right now.

He's got this.

Meanwhile, I remind myself--though lately it's come easy, but for some reason the last couple weeks it has not--that my Hope is not in a person or circumstances but in His sovereignty and goodness, that I belong to Him, and that He is active in our lives.

We can do this, y'all. Let us do it well.

245: the honest truth of why I'm taking a year off teaching

I was visiting my friend Bethany, the younger-than-me-but-basically-a-peer wife and mother that I used to teach with. She was prepping dinner for us, and I was hanging around awkwardly in the kitchen, probably trying to change the subject from my not-quite-thriving love life (her favorite topic). (Her favorite advice consistently is "Ask him out!" no matter how many miles away the guy lives.)

So, we were hanging in her kitchen (this is a short story gone long), and I noticed some Young Living Thieves. I can't remember if it was the oil or the cleaner, but I made some comment about how my mom uses that too! She asked if she uses the pre-mixed cleaner or...again, cannot recall the exact conversation. The POINT of this anecdote is that I did not know, because I'm not the one that uses it, and I'm not the one at home cleaning with it.

Fast forward to prepping the brussel sprouts for our dinner. Apparently you chop off the ends and take off the outer leaves. This I did not know. This was my first time prepping brussel sprouts. Now, I could tell you that my mom makes really good brussel sprouts with pepper and lots of salt on a sheet pan in the oven until the outsides are crispy and black. But I had no idea how to prep them. Because I've never done it. My mom does that.

And it was in those moments, standing in my friend's kitchen, feeling all the swirl of inferiority because I'm behind my married peers in these areas of housekeeping and homemaking, battling to remind my self-esteem that it is okay, because we are in different seasons of life, and I have my own skills, and my own abilities, and succeed in other areas, that I absentmindedly gazed at the corner of her kitchen as she moved around the room, probably talking, and I realized:

I have the freedom right now to take the next year off teaching and devote time to participating in these homemaking skills.

That was in December I think. With that germ of an idea came a host of other side benefits:

1) I could help my mom out. At that time, she was juggling a million and a half things (most of which were not of her own choosing), and I thought how wonderful it would be to ease her load.
2) I could get to know my mom better. She isn't getting younger, and we barely see each other these days what with me working, and her being an early-to-bed type of person, and both of us having different activities over the weekend. (My dad is not at home during the work day, so I'll see him for relatively the same hours.)
3) I could get to know my great-nephew Josiah (because my mom babysits him twice a week).
4) I could write more and see if that's a viable/enjoyable job.
5) I can be more open to what new ministries God might lead me to get out of my box and participate in.
6) (I can travel without worrying about getting back in time for work.)

But, ultimately, the goal is to become fluent/fluid in cooking by making dinner on a regular basis, and (I've been successfully blocking this goal from my mind) to take over a good chunk of the house cleaning.

To those who think it is kinda rather ridiculous that I have to take a year off to do such a thing, I reply:
1) It is hard to work full-time and then come home and cook. Especially on those nights when you don't come home until later. And your mom has already made dinner. And your dad is hungry.
2) I'm a slow learner--a slow bloomer. Whatever you want to call it, I require time.

To those who say I could pick up all those skills easily if I had to:
1) Yes, I could. I'm a pretty great cook I have been told. But--
2) --I guess I just don't want to be behind my married peers. I don't want to keep saying "one day, when the time comes."

That's what I realized in my friend's kitchen. I don't have to wait. I can do what I want to do now. It is a unique freedom, but it is a freedom I have. Why not avail myself of it while I can?

So, no, I was not let go from my job. No, I am not tired of teaching. No, I am not looking for another full-time job.

Yes, I have had many emotions of fear:
1) at all the free time I will have to be responsible for
2) of all the time at home
3) of not being in a professional environment where I can feel like I'm contributing and being successful as part of a team
4) of not being in my classroom where I call the shots
5) of being with my own emotions all day with nowhere to escape
6) of failing at this experiment

And I keep reminding myself that it's okay if cooking dinner takes a lot of time at first. It is okay to try new recipes that might take more prep or ingredients than I would usually consider worthwhile. Because I am learning. The goal is to become more "fluent," as I like to call it. I remind myself that I am going to really struggle to come up with meals for nearly EVERY DAY. Honestly, how do you married folk do it? And, goodness, how many animals do we go through in a week?? #meateaterdad

So, that's my story. I don't expect people to be supportive, because it's a crazy thing to do, and I'm pretty scared over the prospect, even as I enjoy "summer vacation." If you think of it, pray that I remain self-disciplined and occupied and that God teaches me a whole lot! (I have a whole list of stuff I expect Him to teach me this year :-P). I have no idea what God has planned--He might change my rigid plan. But for right now, it's the home life for me!

237: to have courage to share this part of life too

"For I am full of words;

The spirit within me compels me.

Indeed my belly is like wine that has no vent;

It is ready to burst like new wineskins.

I will speak, that I may find relief" (Job 32:17-20a)

I went to a new women's Bible study/devotional fellowship this evening with my semi-new-to-me church. We're going to be studying women in the Bible and how they responded yes or no to God. Tonight was on Sarah. For professional development, I've been learning about comprehension strategies, such as "determining importance." Out of all the material a student reads, how is he to determine what is important? With the skill of "synthesizing," importance is sometimes determined by what interests the person. So, all that to say, as we were led through this study tonight, I tried to focus not just on taking notes for the sake of taking notes, but listening for what might apply to me, what God might speak to me as relevant.

There were a couple things that stood out, but as the leader read from Genesis 8, a very familiar story about Sarah laughing when God told Abraham that she would bear a child in her old age, I looked down at the passage and part of the verse whirled off the page with the big question mark, "APPLICABLE?" I don't like to claim promises from Scripture that are not promises, but I did feel like this was for a group I'm part of consisting of older Christian single women. I anticipated sharing this with them.

The study portion concluded. We all traipsed out to the pool and stuck our feet in. The leader asked us for our input about what we read.

I knew. I knew from before we left the living room that I should have the boldness to share what God had showed me about singleness.

But this is a group of mostly older ladies, all women who have had husbands, children, homes of their own. The evening progressed with lots of stories about husbands, children, home repair. Children, husbands. Anyone else have anything to share? Husbands, children, life that (I slowly realized) I literally could not relate to.

And I kept my mouth shut.

"Indeed my belly is like wine that has no vent" (Job 32:19).

Why? Well, first off, I'm just getting to know these people. But I want to be open. I want the fellowship. The other reason I didn't speak is that what I wanted to share had to do with singleness.

I didn't want my sharing to sound like a request for pity.

I would have had to share the context of the difficulty of singleness. And the difficulty wasn't the point. The point was that God had shown up during our Bible study.

I couldn't muster the bravery.

And so I sat and listened and felt the emotional strength drain from me as I listened to stories truly interesting, but unrelatable, until I finally left.

God, give me the strength to be open next time! I won't get the fellowship I crave if I won't speak what is on my heart. And no one is going to read my mind for me.

I am thankful that I think I have found a group to have true Christian fellowship with.

Now it's on me.

"Be strong and of good courage" (Joshua 1).

~*~

Ok, so let me share what I think God may have drawn out for older singles.

I've been looking at this idea of how old we are getting and our desire for marriage still, and I've been wondering how much I need to just acknowledge it probably won't happen. We have absolutely no idea what life not as single is, and, personally, theology + personality + availability = need a miracle to make it happen. But--

"After I have grown old, shall I have pleasure...?" (Gen. 18:12)

Sarah was skeptical too. After she was now old, was it likely that she would enjoy a child--her own child--in her arms? She laughed at the idea. That boat had passed her by long ago.

What was God's response? Why are you laughing? Why are you doubting it could be?

"Is anything too hard for the LORD?" (Gen. 18:14)

And that is...that. Would you, could you, still experience marriage and family and spend the rest of your days in a completely different season of life?

Is anything too hard for God?

234: social media as an anesthetic for singleness

my dog on my leg while I was sick last week

What I'm about to theorize and muse about does not apply to some of the most single of us so there downs half of my argument. But, it might apply to me, and it's an interesting idea, so I'm going to go ahead and click-clack about it anyway.

I think that social media usage sometimes anesthetizes us from our singleness.

Actually, I KNOW it does. It, like any other social activity, takes away the loneliness. So that's not quite what I mean.

A quick Google search says "anesthetize" is to "deprive of feeling or awareness." I think social media can deprive us of the feeling or awareness of our lack of in-person attachments. It can make us not quite feel our singleness.

Okay, okay, I know the opposite is true as well. Who hasn't scrolled through social media and felt angst from viewing all those engagement and baby announcements?

This last 12 month period I have been part of this amazing Facebook group of Christian singles. It's like the City--it never sleeps. There is always something going on. Some conversation, deep or ridiculous. Some meme to like. Some gif to search for and add as a comment for others to like. Some person to roll your eyes at or interaction to laugh at.

It is a unique Internet community.

The other night I had to go outside without my phone. I looked up at the stars, the moon, the dark sky. And immediately felt lonely. Immediately started praying for a spouse and kids.

And I wonder...

If I lived without this instant access to people across the country at all hours of the day...

If I lived without this placebo numbing me to real life...

If so, and I know this is far-fetched, but...

Would I be less single today?

Probably not, but--

At what point does need drive us to action? To unprecedented action? Especially in a 21st century, first-world, middle-class life where "need" is almost nonexistent.

What would it take to cause us to do the unthinkable, whatever that may be? We'll never know. Because we never allow ourselves to get to that point. All these movies and fictional scenarios where people are faced with these either/or situations, where they have to be brave or face their fears or allow themselves to be stretched beyond their desires--I'm not saying we don't experience that now, but we don't willingly throw ourselves at those situations. We pad our discomfort with distraction, our need with placebos. Our wants--those things we can do something about with little cost--we'll gratify with fulfillment. But we prefer not to feel need. We must not feel need.

I don't know. Just some thoughts.

Anyway, it's an interesting question of how much social media affects my singleness.

Yet I am still grateful for it.

P.S. I use movies to anesthetize my singleness too, but I could only pick on one thing in this post :)

228: unexpected reminder

It's been a temporarily rough weekend in the singleness department. No, no drama to speak of, just a sudden WHACK! of "hey, remember? it's just you. no male half. no other side of the equation. no, 'and God saw the man and woman and it was good.'" And then, I think I was on my blog and glanced at the post from last Christmas Eve. Or somehow Christmas Eve came into my head. And WHAM! hey, you get to be the in-between, unattached person again this year. Your niece is MARRIED, your 70+ yr old widowed aunt has a BOYFRIEND. It's not that I want a fiancé for Christmas or even a boyfriend (let's not be greedy now). I just don't want to be the only person at our family event that is winging it solo.

So what am I thankful for, specific to singleness?

Well, I was communicating my woes to some girls in a Facebook group (probably too much so), and a girl I have never met in person (cuz that's how we roll in 2017), but who had liked one of my recent blogposts replied to me with this:

"Just bring those 30 days of gratitude posts with you and remember you ARE special, God just has you serving a different way right now."

Exactly what I wanted to hear? No, I wanted to hear of a rent-a-plus-one website like in Holiday Engagement and Hitched for the Holidays. Just kidding. Kinda.

But, I am thankful for the reminder that . . .

. . . there are things to be grateful for. And He does have my life in His hands. And He is working. And while I don't have grand hopes of enjoying this year's Christmas Eve (sometimes the stiff upper lip is rather elusive), my life is not in vain. It has eternal purpose, eternal meaning. What more could I ask for?

I needed that reminder again. So thanks, you-know-who-you-are, for the love and Christian fellowship. Truly. It means a lot.

This is my single life. It takes a community.

Where have you received unexpected encouragement lately?

one of my 2nd grader's handwriting work this week <3

I am participating in "Write 31 Days," where a bunch of bloggers write...for 31 days. My theme is "This My Single Life," with a focus on the blessings of this season. Hopefully it's obvious to anyone who knows me or has read my blog that I want to be married and have kids. But at 32 years old, I am quite single, and I think it's God-glorifying to highlight the good things God has given me with singleness. Click here to access the links for my 31 days of writing! And if you want to read everyone else's blog posts, go to http://write31days.com/ and click "Linking Up" for the categories!

212: learning about marriage

I love hearing people's love stories. In fact, on the drive to the conference this week I asked one of the staff members about hers.

Today on the drive back home, one lady asked another how she and her husband met, and that lady asked another lady, and soon it became a chain effect with every lady telling their love story.

. . .

I really do love hearing these things! But I was also really aware that I was the only person in the car who wouldn't be asked. I had to fight a I'm-tired-and-emotional bitterness because I really do enjoy hearing real-life love stories when I not feeling an awkward everyone-but-Michelle. The newest married and I were asked if when we were single (someone clarified the grammar on that for my situation) if people tried to set us up a lot. I truly appreciate the consideration it took for the lady to come up with a question that included me!

Ironically, mere hours earlier I had been listening to Ted Cunningham on Family Life Today via my phone's podcast app. Of course, it was on marriage--really good broadcast, btw! I really enjoyed it.

This week I have been noticing women slyly but pointedly trying to give me hope or anecdotes about how they met the right guy. I appreciate that consideration too.

So. My blessing as a single is being able to study about marriage via podcasts and observing others' examples. I understand knowledge can mean next to nothing when experience takes over, but I'm grateful that during my singleness I can build mindsets and gain a vision of what is attainable in marriage so I can be better prepared.

This is my single life. And I support marriage too.

What have you learned about marriage or relationships while a single that will be great preparation if/when you are a wife?

 

not me, this week

 

I am participating in "Write 31 Days," where a bunch of bloggers write...for 31 days. My theme is "This My Single Life," with a focus on the blessings of this season. Hopefully it's obvious to anyone who knows me or has read my blog that I want to be married and have kids. But at 32 years old, I am quite single, and I think it's God-glorifying to highlight the good things God has given me with singleness. Click here to access the links for my 31 days of writing! And if you want to read everyone else's blog posts, go to http://write31days.com/ and click "Linking Up" for the categories!



208: the blessing in stress

I'm stressed.

*here's where I tell all the details of my life that you can skip if "I am stressed" is sufficient info :-P*

I have Faith Bible Institute homework due Wednesday evening that I'm farther behind in than I like to be by Monday eve. I am leaving for a teacher trip also on Wednesday so I need to make sure my students have their home study packets in their backpacks before they leave tomorrow, and then when I get home I need to pack for the 6:45 a.m. departure. When I get back from that trip, I have a full weekend, limiting the amount of time I can lesson plan for the next week, but really I need to lesson plan for 2 weeks because I'll be leaving that Thursday for an extended weekend, which means preparing for a sub for a couple days. And for that trip I'm going to be in the mountains where there is the possibility of snow, so I'm really stressed about figuring what to wear since I'm in the hot weather with sleeveless tops mindset, not the cold weather, will I really need boots and sweaters mindset. I need to get out my winter clothes and decide what will look cute! All that within a very limited amount of time.

And I have a blog post to write and what am I going to write on?

The blessings. The blessings that will come on the other side of these stresses.

I get to go on that trip to the mountains and I am so excited about hanging out with new and old friends!

I get to have a job where littles depend on me for their education, and I have the independence to assign to the sub whatever work I think will best enhance their learning.

I get to go with my fellow teachers on an all-girl trip to a beach house! And we get to go to a teacher conference too, and I always enjoy conferences.

I get to spend 3 hours a week doing satellite Bible college classes and being straight-up fed the Word!

So while I have this limited time with lingering stress (Lord, take this worry and help me accomplish everything!), the blessings are numerous, meaningful, and worth the extra push.

This is my single life. And it is good.

Because the Giver IS glorified when we actually enjoy His gifts.

 

 

I got to go watch Bella's agility class tonight.

What stresses in your life are actually blessings in disguise?
 

I am participating in "Write 31 Days," where a bunch of bloggers write...for 31 days. My theme is "This My Single Life," with a focus on the blessings of this season. Hopefully it's obvious to anyone who knows me or has read my blog that I want to be married and have kids. But at 32 years old, I am quite single, and I think it's God-glorifying to highlight the good things God has given me with singleness. Click here to access the links for my 31 days of writing! And if you want to read everyone else's blog posts, go to http://write31days.com/ and click "Linking Up" for the categories!



207: seriously, how am I going to come up with eye-catching titles every day?

"Well, I do this every day for work."

"It shows."

Experience is so huge. You can't buy it. You can't take it for granted. You can't really boast about it. It's the passing of time in one area. You don't really set out saying, "Man, I want years of experience in this area, so I'm going to do this for x amount of years until I've gained experience." At least I didn't. It kinda just happens to you.

The result? Familiarity. Patterns. Skills, tricks of the trade. Hopefully, confidence.

This morning I taught Sunday school. I was nervous going into it because of the heavy subject matter, and then I found out my "helper" would be one of the children's ministry leaders. No pressure! But as the morning wrapped up, she let me know that the lesson went well* and that my experience showed. (I had also prayed and asked God to take over for me because teaching on the crucifixion is a big deal, and I didn't feel adequate to it. Thank You, Lord!)

I credit any comfortableness in teaching to being single. If God hadn't kept me in this season of life for the last decade plus, I most likely would not be starting my 6th year as an elementary teacher at a Christian school. If I were not single, I probably would not have accumulated five years of teaching other people's kids on a daily basis (b/c the plan was to be a SAHM), and I probably wouldn't have the same level of confidence I now have corralling and teaching children. Even when I'm nervous, I still have experience behind me (and that experience is a gift from Him).

It's a blessing of my single life. And I accept that blessing with both hands.

What experiences/skills/confidence have you accumulated because of God's sovereignty over your life circumstances?

The Giver IS glorified when we actually enjoy His gifts.




the empty lot next to our church
 

So today is the first day of "Write 31 Days," where a bunch of bloggers write...for 31 days. My theme is "This My Single Life," with a focus on the blessings of this season. Hopefully it's obvious to anyone that knows me or has read my blog that I want to be married and have kids. But at 32 years old, I am quite single, and I think it's God-glorifying to highlight the good things God has given me with singleness. So, here's to 31 days of writing!

Here are the links to all my posts this month: the blessing in stress, teacher friendship, the blessing of extended singleness, the present, learning about marriage, gotta conversate, time and flexibility, mom, time to jazz, that my present circumstances are more than enough, unknown, naps, freedom and flexibility and time, one blah day does not define the rest, external work, can't blame that on singleness, people I've met, places I've been, no clue, no family, sounds in the night, unexpected reminder, different is normal,



Morning Glories

*Lest anyone imagine me in a neat blazer standing in front of a class with a flannel graph, lemme clarify, my "lesson" was a chaotic jumping from one thing to another, sitting down, standing up, all good posture out the window. Building pretzel bridges was involved, and I was wearing a bright orange ankle-length skirt, because bright is better? Anyway, just had to clarify that "crazy group of kids" was my personal take-away from the lesson. :-P They actually were a rather engaged group, just not sedate.

205: bit by the autumn love bug

I've been bit.

Bit by the autumn love bug.

I can't blame it all on autumn, but the fact is, Friday was the first day of fall and Saturday morning I could feel it. The wistfulness of fall. The happiness of cool mornings, colorful scarves, pumpkin spice. The hope of . . . something new.

Funny how winter is all about death and darkness, but I always see fall as the coming of all things cozy and romantic.

Like big band music or Michael O'Brien's Something About Us love song album.

Long sweaters.

Apple crisp, apple pie, apple cider, Apple Hill.

My friend sent me a Scripture today. "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope."

Our hope is so much more than circumstance-based.

And sometimes I get so focused on someone I think I want--John Yates of Faith Bible Institute says, "the object of our desires becomes the focus of our hearts."

But what does a focused lens do? What does the sun do when it narrows in on a magnifying glass? It sets fire to the leaf underneath it, or so I'm told. It destroys.

I love autumn. I love romance. I love the hope of something new, something more.

I know well the mesmerizing agony of making an unattainable human the object of my desires.

Is it sin? I cannot say beyond how God convicts me. Not for all people at every time, otherwise how on earth would anyone ever get married? (but not via the inordinate, idolatry kind of desiring!)

But there is a time to step back from the magnifying glass, gaze at the falling leaves around, feel the surge of romance in the chilly air, set your face to the warmth of the light, and say, "You are my God and You alone. With You is the fountain of life. At Your right hand are pleasures forevermore."

And go forth and enjoy the season.

And maybe, if you feel the freedom to do so, breathe in the hope of the unknown too.

203: Lisa Anderson and at the end of life

I'm listening through Boundless' 500th episode today, and I listened to Lisa Anderson on a Focus on the Family broadcast the other day (the one with Gary Chapman talking about the 5 love languages and caring for ailing parents). Oh man, when Lisa Anderson cries...yeah, I cry too.

She was talking (on the Focus on the Family episode) about her fears that when she is older, she will have no one to take care of her. *raised hand, me too!* But she knows a lady who all through her life took family members in when they would have bad health and care for them, and now she is old and has health problems. A young family in the church has built on an additional room to their house and has taken her in to care for her. *goose bumps, tears*

This is our God. This is our God living through the lives of His people.

I do not know what will happen to me in the future. I AM concerned. I DO have a certain level of responsibility to plan for the future. I do believe in the parable in the gospels about building relationships now for when you have nothing.

But besides fear and besides responsibility, I have faith in the God who does take care of His own.

And now I have to go get some stuff done so I can hang out with my family's 60+ year old always-single friend who wants to do dinner tonight. :)

201: the question of how to not lower standards but still be like a peasant

Today I re-read this article (hidden link) which I printed and pasted in my journal several months ago. It is such a good article, you should read it for yourself, but basically it is saying that we often go about looking for a mate like royalty and aristocrats did back in the day.

Here is my list of what I want. Do you fulfill my criteria? I am worthy of more than what you can offer.

Instead, the author and her citations argue, we should search for love like a peasant. A probably inaccurate summary of that position (which I am not very familiar with because I'm definitely more aristocratic) might be,

I want to share my life with someone, and you do too. Let's share life together.

My arranged marriage side is full-on peasant. Gimme a God-fearing guy and we will make it work and fall in love while doing so! <3 <3

My reality side is full-on aristocrat. *pulls out royal checklist* Similar theology? Wants to homeschool? Don't find him repulsive? Similar preferences? Enjoy being around him? Doesn't say something that totally shocks me and makes me want to run the other direction?

My arranged marriage side cries, "But there is no one! No one is interested!"

My reality side gerhumphs, "Yeah, they're interested. You're just not interested back in those that are interested."

I look at all the divisions we have as believers. I mean, not only does my future guy have to be actually saved and following the Lord truly (basic, basic bottom line there), but he also needs to not be Calvinist, not be Arminian, and he must agree on a myriad of other things that aren't doctrinal as much as having the right perspective.

And then there's personality. Because if we marry, we're going to have to live together. And there there's that intangible chemistry that makes you think being married would be better than being single (or, perhaps, being single is better than this relationship). And the time period of dating in which we wait with bated breath for the (seemingly inevitable) red flag (or accumulation of yellow flags) to wave and end it all.

I'm not cynical at all.

If two people can survive all that and end up married, then statistically, it seems a result of a divine miracle.

Praise the Lord such miracles do happen (and the couples stay together).

Or maybe those couples were just less picky.

What would I give up, relinquish, compromise on to be a peasant? I do not know. Because ideally, I do want someone that sees the world the same as me. I don't want to have to defend myself to my spouse. I don't want to fight rolling my eyes. (pride much?) I want to enjoy being with him as a person, both alone and in groups. I want to be completely attracted to him.

I want it all. I do.

I don't even know what it means to not have it all and still have a somewhat-compatible relationship. At one point do differences divide rather than naturally occur? I don't know. I don't.


How do we not lower our standards, but begin to adopt a peasant mindset that allows marriage to be more like God seems to have intended it--a complimentary meeting of needs via cherish and respect--and less like the 2D, flat characterization of two humans having everything they ever wanted satisfied in the other without any annoying aspects portrayed? I do not know.

I'll need to go pray about that...

Any wisdom out there from people who are doing it?




Sweet potato characterizations

198: still finding my identity as a single apparently

One friend has three kids under the age of 3 and the youngest has an apparently life-long disease. She's in the hospital with him right now.

One friend is juggling sleeplessness as her baby just turned 1 and she and her husband have welcomed in a foster baby for the next month.

I have none of their trials and none of their joys, but I have my own. I'm tempted to think my life is less worthy to be spoken of because the only sleeplessness I suffer is when I stay up til 2am and then have to walk the dogs before the sun gets hot here in the California valley. What are my own frustrations and worries to theirs?

Can you tell one of my weaknesses is constant comparison?

I listened to a Moody Church sermon on singleness the other week that was so good! So, gathering from that, which you should totally listen to, the truth about me--about us--is...

...I can display  the sufficiency of Christ. That if He witholds the marital relationship and all that entails, He is enough. He is enough, and has been, and will be. Shake off the chaff. He is enough.

Not that I am enough. Not that I don't need a man or am self-sufficient. That sounds so inaccurate right now anyway. But I can show the Lord's sufficiency in human lives.

...I can focus on spiritual things. As I was reminded once when I was in a relationship, the single life really does differ from the married life in that you are not thinking 24/7 about your husband and kids and how your lives intertwine. My season is different. I am not consumed with child watching-feeding-putting back to bed. I frankly have more time in my life. It's a different season to embrace and learn how to use well, not to wield as a numchuck of comparison.

But to be honest, I'm starting to think that spiritually, marrieds and singles are not all that different. Our vertical relationship and our kingdom citizenship really has no correlation with horizontal circumstances. It sometimes feels like a chasm of difference, but we all deal with temptation and sanctification and the need to believe our God no matter our marital status, age, historical era, or ethnic culture.

I am a single. I fully accept it. I am a believer. That is my true identity.

"you are . . . fellow citizens with the saints and members of the household of God" (Ephesians 2:19)

7 Junes ago in Oregon

This June in Chicago