237: to have courage to share this part of life too

"For I am full of words;

The spirit within me compels me.

Indeed my belly is like wine that has no vent;

It is ready to burst like new wineskins.

I will speak, that I may find relief" (Job 32:17-20a)

I went to a new women's Bible study/devotional fellowship this evening with my semi-new-to-me church. We're going to be studying women in the Bible and how they responded yes or no to God. Tonight was on Sarah. For professional development, I've been learning about comprehension strategies, such as "determining importance." Out of all the material a student reads, how is he to determine what is important? With the skill of "synthesizing," importance is sometimes determined by what interests the person. So, all that to say, as we were led through this study tonight, I tried to focus not just on taking notes for the sake of taking notes, but listening for what might apply to me, what God might speak to me as relevant.

There were a couple things that stood out, but as the leader read from Genesis 8, a very familiar story about Sarah laughing when God told Abraham that she would bear a child in her old age, I looked down at the passage and part of the verse whirled off the page with the big question mark, "APPLICABLE?" I don't like to claim promises from Scripture that are not promises, but I did feel like this was for a group I'm part of consisting of older Christian single women. I anticipated sharing this with them.

The study portion concluded. We all traipsed out to the pool and stuck our feet in. The leader asked us for our input about what we read.

I knew. I knew from before we left the living room that I should have the boldness to share what God had showed me about singleness.

But this is a group of mostly older ladies, all women who have had husbands, children, homes of their own. The evening progressed with lots of stories about husbands, children, home repair. Children, husbands. Anyone else have anything to share? Husbands, children, life that (I slowly realized) I literally could not relate to.

And I kept my mouth shut.

"Indeed my belly is like wine that has no vent" (Job 32:19).

Why? Well, first off, I'm just getting to know these people. But I want to be open. I want the fellowship. The other reason I didn't speak is that what I wanted to share had to do with singleness.

I didn't want my sharing to sound like a request for pity.

I would have had to share the context of the difficulty of singleness. And the difficulty wasn't the point. The point was that God had shown up during our Bible study.

I couldn't muster the bravery.

And so I sat and listened and felt the emotional strength drain from me as I listened to stories truly interesting, but unrelatable, until I finally left.

God, give me the strength to be open next time! I won't get the fellowship I crave if I won't speak what is on my heart. And no one is going to read my mind for me.

I am thankful that I think I have found a group to have true Christian fellowship with.

Now it's on me.

"Be strong and of good courage" (Joshua 1).

~*~

Ok, so let me share what I think God may have drawn out for older singles.

I've been looking at this idea of how old we are getting and our desire for marriage still, and I've been wondering how much I need to just acknowledge it probably won't happen. We have absolutely no idea what life not as single is, and, personally, theology + personality + availability = need a miracle to make it happen. But--

"After I have grown old, shall I have pleasure...?" (Gen. 18:12)

Sarah was skeptical too. After she was now old, was it likely that she would enjoy a child--her own child--in her arms? She laughed at the idea. That boat had passed her by long ago.

What was God's response? Why are you laughing? Why are you doubting it could be?

"Is anything too hard for the LORD?" (Gen. 18:14)

And that is...that. Would you, could you, still experience marriage and family and spend the rest of your days in a completely different season of life?

Is anything too hard for God?

Book Review: Better Together by Rusty George

I've been horrible at posting, I know. And I'm hoping during the summer, I write a bit more. Because I don't want this site to be alllllll book reviews. And I honestly do sometimes have things to say. I just then don't have the umph to pull out my computer and external keyboard. But rumor is that I'm getting a new computer, smaller, with a keyboard that works. And it IS summer. So I should write more. *should*

Meanwhile...another book review!

This poor gem has been waiting patiently for me to finish for a couple months now. I could have written the review before now, but I wanted to wait til I actually finished it. Which was this weekend. So now I can say what I have been waiting to say.

THIS BOOK IS SO GOOOOOOOD!

I have lost faith in today's nonfiction books, but this book, au contraire, was no disappointment. I mean, it could have easily been a trendy, little basis-in-Scripture book, especially with the fun spotlight on the cover:

"SUPRISING TRUTH FOR: Introverts, Extroverts, Control Freaks, Free Spirits, People Persons, Curmudgeons, and, Especially, YOU"

Gotta admit though, that is one of the things that drew me to this book.

Ok, backing up. Why did I choose this book to review?

I have been stirred the last, mm, year, about the need for godly community, spiritual fellowship, mutual edification. Or as a friend and I do when we text each other Scripture verses, #mutualedification. (SO trendy sounding ;))

I have been blistered by the thought from Proverbs 5:14, "I was on the verge of total ruin, In the midst of the assembly and congregation." In other words, I can be attending church faithfully and still find myself slipping away spiritually.

I know that community is important. But any of us can spout how we need it til the cows come home. Doesn't mean we have found it.

So, this book. Back to the topic at hand. I didn't know what to expect. Would it be primarily watered-down, Scripture-quoted-out-of-context content? But this book was neither exegetically unsound (imo; not that I necessarily agree with every iota) or made up of run-of-the-mill opinions that do nothing. The author actually had some really good, solid, edifying insight, with lots of personal stories, and I highly recommend the book! 5 out of 5 stars.

The most impactful chapter to me was "Everyone else is an idiot." Basically, Jesus' disciples were not on-par with him. They were not His equals. In fact, they were sub-par in comparison. But, author Rusty George writes, "Jesus stayed in community with them. . . . He continued to trust, lead, and teach them. He gave them opportunities to represent Him. It was as if He enjoyed being with them. How could they have possibly been any benefit to Him? How could they have given Him anything other than heartburn or a few laughs?" The author adds that "it's hard to have people walk with me who cause more trouble than they're worth."

It struck me hard that Jesus did not need his disciples to be his spiritual or mental equals to desire to be in community with them. He could have easily gone with the idea that "I can do this better alone." He is God. He created the world without any help. But He didn't choose to do His three years of ministry on earth alone. Even when He was at His emotional lowest before the cross, He actually wanted three of these people around Him. He wanted that community, even though they fell asleep on Him.

If Jesus didn't need people who were his mental and spiritual equals, then that qualification must not be important. If Jesus wanted community, then it must really be important.

So, 5 out of 5 stars. Available at an Amazon near you.

P.S. Lest there be any confusion, no, this isn't a marriage book :)

177: us single, them married

A college classmate shared an article entitled "I Suck at Being a Friend Right Now." I knew I needed to read it because sometimes I have a hard time extending grace to my married friends. After reading it (click on the link!), I remembered something I had written in my journal. It's a little incoherent (b/c that's how I roll) but it's my reminder to myself that singles and marrieds are in vastly different seasons of life, and yet the gap between the seasons is extremely thin.

Do the unthinkable and let me not forget the feeling of walking in black mirrored fog.

It can feel like an "us" singles, "them" not. But there is a VERY thin veil between the two, with no predictor when one of us will slip into "the other side." Even I, as I walk with you along the illusion of an unending garden walkway, unending walkway while "they" have the estate's manor, may suddenly, while yet griping at my interminable status, run smack into the middle of a concrete step, look up, and see the house only a pace away, hedged on either side and pulling me through its open door with nary a chance for a backward glance.

It feels interminable. It looks unending. And indeed it may seem our lot to tread the garden path and take advantage of living this life to the full.

But never presume that those magically sucked through the illusory veil felt less surprised than you, felt less keenly the disparency between "us" and "them," and did little but live to deserve the switch. So you, walking the VERY SAME PATH of the women before you, may one day stub your toe on the manor's step and have your life changed.

And then, what fools we will have been, thinking we would never reach the attainment of "them." What are they but us in a different season of life? What are we but a parallel life of theirs?

At the church potluck yesterday, I gazed around at the tables. So many people I know from other churches, now all of us attending the same church (what happens when you live in the same community all your life). But they over at that table, while my age, are married, having kids, and are able to interact as peers with other marrieds. And those, over there, while seemingly so much older than me when I was little, are now practically peers, if I could somehow bolster my confidence and bridge the gap between "me single," "them married." Instead, I sat with other single girls my age (goodness, I'm 31) and some teenagers. It's all in my head, I know it. It is a work in progress, to rise beyond the fact that my living conditions look fairly similar to how they did a decade ago and join a world where I may not be married or have kids but I am a peer with life experiences and the ability to exchange conversation just as well as if I did. Pathetic much? I'll get the hang of this by 40, I'm sure. :)

173: date-turned-Mormon processing

I want to write more. Originally this blog was supposed to be a place for me to write my thoughts without trying to tailor it for an audience. Maybe I can get back to that more.

So many thoughts.

To tell you the truth, when I see the date-turned-Mormon profile pic, I still feel a pang. The day before he was supposed to turn Mormon I talked with him again on the phone and told him about two articles I read by Mormons about Mormons. I told him what I had learned and why I disagreed. At his request, I sent him the articles and also added the Scripture verses I had brainstormed refuting the main points I had culled from the articles. He said he'd read them. But he still became Mormon. I haven't heard from him again. He joined LDS singles groups on FB.

When we had lunch, he had talked about Mormonism, but I didn't think he was considering joining them. I thought I was talking to a believer--I didn't realize I was engaging in apologetics. When I told him on the phone that I didn't want to touch Mormonism with a ten-foot pole, I didn't mean that I was ostracizing him because I couldn't philosophically deal with someone becoming Mormon. I meant that I couldn't go there relationally, that emotionally I couldn't even continue a friendship with him because it would be too much a temptation to crush on an unbeliever. I am too weak; I HAD to set my boundary. But did he recognize that? Is there anyone in his life that can still dialogue with him about what Scripture says? Not to tell him he's wrong or that Mormonism is stupid, but to truly dialogue with him like he so enjoyed.

The church. Where was the church as the LDS missionaries drew him in, counseled him? One of the main things we talked about in our lunch was how Mormons disciple new converts and keep them accountable and follow through. And the church is so lacking in that area. I know personally that if I want accountability or fellowship, I have to seek it. And I have the spiritual maturity now to be able to seek it. But what about someone who has only be saved a few years? Why are we--why am I--not encouraging one another to follow the Lord? Oh sure, we "fellowship," as in, we hang out, we talk, we "do life" together. But how often, how RARELY, do I discuss with someone how they are doing spiritually, how they are doing at obeying Scripture's commands to love one another, and then follow through the next time I see them, instead of dropping it like the only point of bringing it up was to have a deep conversation, not cultivate TRUE Christian fellowship? And how defensive and shallow do I feel when someone asks me what I am reading in the Word these days or some other spiritually probing question? Are we a community of believers, or are we really just a social club? And what part am I playing in making it one or the other? Because he was looking for something, and the Mormons had it.

What was the draw to Mormonism? That question has plagued me. Because there are similarities. They claim to follow Jesus. But they do not believe that God is God and man is man--that line is blurred--and they do not accept the sufficiency and inerrancy of Scripture. Those are biggies! And yet, they're "moral." When I asked a friend about why he might have been drawn to Mormonism, she suggested that people are drawn to the idea of "secret knowledge" and a more works-oriented salvation.

The one thing that I am challenged with through this is to better live out what I believe. To more fully live out Scripture. If I am going to be a light, then I need to continue to let Jesus take over more of my life and not worry about what is popular (or even what is old-fashioned). My date was not looking for what was popular. He was looking for depth. My prayer is that he becomes disillusioned with the "secret knowledge" in Mormonism and comes back to basic Scripture as truth. Oh, Lord, open his eyes!

I mourn the loss of a possible friendship and the loss of a brother.

153: the pressure of one

"And after all, Marianne, after all that is bewitching in the idea . . . of one's happiness depending entirely on any particular person, it is not meant -- it is not fit -- it is not possible that it should be so." (Sense and Sensibility, chapter 37)

Bewitching indeed! How many hopes and dreams have I at times pinned on THAT one person? "He will _____," and fill in the blank, depending on the cavity of my life at that moment.

I had a realization the other day. Really, it's pretty obvious, it just has taken me awhile to get there. I realized I can actually appreciate another man for his talents or his personality without it being a love interest or hoping my future husband has the same qualities. (Duh, right?) Like, my husband doesn't have to be all things from all men. He can be himself, and I can enjoy the diversity of other people in the body of Christ.

I marvel at all the people God has put in my life, and the many happinesses they bring me.

I look forward to spending the day around my coworkers, one a woman married for many years, the other a woman a few years older than me who is engaged. They are not only my fellow teachers, but my friends. I open my classroom door to go make copies before class, and my little Ethiopian boy with the cutest personality ever has just arrived and offers me a hug. Later on, my socially-aware Chinese girl strides into the classroom late, smelling of perfume (she's only 8).

At the end of the day, I heft my school bags through my parents' front door and two little dogs (they're kinda like people, right?) greet me like they haven't seen me in weeks. My Bella wiggles her behind with her "baby" (stuffed animal) in her mouth, jumps on my bed, and whines happily as I scratch her ears.

My phone dings with an absolutely random text message from a crazy pal. A friend from out-of-state calls me for an update. I get an e-mail from a friend from out of the country.

And then, on top of all these and much more, God gives me Himself. In HIS presence is fullness of joy and at HIS right hand are pleasures forevermore. Joy dims to grasping for a feeling if I am not first hidden under His wing.

I have many blessings through  many individuals.

Can a dog or students or coworkers replace the place of a husband? No, that's not God's design.

And yet.

I cannot pin all my happiness on one person. I know me. I know it would end in disaster. It puts too much pressure on the one relationship.

One man, even the most important man in my life, even the man with whom I share everything and for whom I vow "til death do us part," is not supposed to fill the place of my parents or my girl friends or every member of the body of Christ.

So I thank God for the many relationships in my life. I thank Him for the happiness I get from all the little instances around me. I put Him first in the order of where I derive peace of heart. And no matter if a man be in my life, I want to remember to balance that relationship with the other valid relationships in my life.

I am blessed.


Excerpts from two of my students' recently finished make-believe stories:

"Mmm," said Michelle as she sniffed her cup of coffee. She went in the kitchen to get a snack. But when she saw a cat at the window. "Pss," said Michelle. The cat jumped into the house and bumped over Michelle's ring on the ledge. Michelle got angry and the cat jumped out side.

"Oh no," cried Michelle. She went to see the mess. On the ledge were scattered diamonds. It was her favorite ring because her boyfriend gave her it . . . . 

When Michelle woke up her boyfriend was at the door with something behind his back. Then her boyfriend showed her what was behind his back. When Michelle saw the ring she was soooooo surprised that she hugged and squeezed him. "I love you and you're the best," said Michelle. The End.

~*~

Jake is a polar bear that lives on Polar Bear Island. Jack is a person that went to Polar Bear Island for the summer. On the plane ride to Polar Bear Island, Jack thought he was talking to a kid. But... he was really talking to Jake. Jack did not know. Then Jake put his head in to the water to get fish. Jack said "a talking polar bear! I will capture the polar bear to be rich!"

. . . Jake said, "Why are you trying to capture me?" "Why do I want capture Jake anyway? What a fool am I," Jack said. Jake said, "Yup you are a fool." The moral of the story was it doesn't matter how much you have."

31: they remind me of what I know

I was driving to a friend's house last weekend and turned on a Focus on the Family podcast. It was Ann Kiemel, sharing her story of wanting children ever since she was little, not expecting that once she was married she would have miscarriage after miscarriage, telling her listeners that she let sorrow take her by the hand and teach her many things, sharing how God provided an adopted son when she was 37 and then another adopted son five months after miscarriaging twins, and encouraging her listeners to keep dreaming. I cried with her and was inspired.

Sometimes we can KNOW God is faithful. But the glorious thing about surrounding yourself with the testimonies of other believers is that you can hear someone who has been through hell tell you on the other side that, yes, indeed, God is faithful. It's not just a fact or a theological belief or a promise. It's empirical reality--but it helps to hear that again and again from people who have experienced it.

Sometimes we can KNOW God is faithful. But then in my church community group a widow of five years shares her own experience. How when her husband died the last thing she wanted to hear were the normal God-is-in-control sayings. She knew her God, but she was in full-on grieving. Now, five years later, she tells us, from experience, that Christ transcends everything, including human emotions. So we can squirm and scream and that's okay, because God is not going to let go of our hand.

Sometimes we can KNOW God is faithful. But then I open up a book I borrowed from my friend. And it's Elisabeth Elliot in the preface to These Strange Ashes, saying that she underwent three lessons in God's sovereignty her first year as a jungle missionary. On this side of it all, she doesn't know why God lets bad things happen to "good" people (See, even Elisabeth Elliot hasn't solved this question!). But she can declare her trust in God and that He is worthy of her trust.

"The horses and chariots that the servant had first seen were real enough. [Elisha's servant] had good reason to fear, if that was all there was. They had no place to turn, it seemed. But for every visible reason for terror, there was an invisible and immensely more powerful reason for trust." --Elisabeth Elliot, preface to These Strange Ashes

 

I need community, not because I don't know the truth enough to get by on my own and not because I haven't experienced God's faithfulness many times in my own life. I need community because in the middle of life or trials I can lose heart and forget what I KNOW. The testimonies of others inspire me to believe again. To believe Him.

"'You are My witnesses,' says the LORD,

And My servant whom I have chosen,

That you may know and believe Me,

And understand that I am He.'"

(Isaiah 43:10)

18: I need community!

Taking my own advice on the importance of how you view the church, I recently asked a match about his beliefs and found he considered the Lord to be his only necessary accountability. In replying (and ending the e-mailing), it was good for me to put my own thoughts into words, and what I wrote is especially true after just returning from my church community group! Here is my answer in part: 

I'll make this personal. I need community because my heart can grow cold, even though I know from 20+ years of walking with the Lord what is right. Hearing others' fervor stirs me up to get back on the path. I need community because I can't see everything in Scripture. Hearing what God is revealing to others enhances my own understanding of the Word. I need community because I need the support of my brothers' and sisters' prayers and the wisdom of those who have walked with Jesus (and in life) longer than me to speak into my life situations. Basically, I need community because I do not trust myself, and I am not capable of running my life with just me and God because God never intended for me to run my life with just me and Him. To Adam He gave Eve. To individual Hebrews He gave the whole set-apart nation of Israel, messy as they were. And to believers in Jesus, our Lord has given us, not only His Holy Spirit and the Scriptures, but fellow believers who, although they might not have the same convictions about entertainment or education or dress or even politics as us, have much to offer us and truly are fellow believers.

How can I trust someone to stay on the straight and narrow if they do not submit themselves to the advice and correction of anyone except themselves?

 

photo from my very enjoyable hike with friends

Not only do I desperately need community spiritually, but I'm realizing I desperately need to hang out in more groups to grow socially! After hiking with a favorite girl friend and her boyfriend on Saturday, I realized, despite having a wonderful time, that sometimes I annoy myself in how I interact with others! And I wondered if her albeit very kind boyfriend was secretly wondering how I thought I was going to get a guy being how I am! So, my conclusion is that I spend too much time by myself and need to get out more so I can be refined! Yay for refinement!

Isn't it funny how we think we know who we are until we actually take ourselves out in public?

11: what you say says a lot about you

If you want to study humankind, make a profile on a dating website. You will not cease to be amazed.

For example, there is a "type" I have discovered: the old man hitting on the young girl who thinks his ultra-conservatism makes him eligible.

I have blogged elsewhere about the 60 something year old who was divorced and looking for a young Christian woman who wanted to have children. He also was anti-church. (And he e-mailed me.)

Now I have been added as a favorite by a 40 something year old who is looking for a helpmeet.

distraction: What 10 years ago would have attracted me to a man is now repellent to me. I think a lot of conservative, homeschooled girls feel this way. It's not that we don't agree with what the man is saying, but the fact that the man feels he has to say it generally infers a whole lot of garbage beneath the white-washed surface. What you choose to include in a profile says a lot about you.

Or rather, he wants a woman whose "determination and purpose in life is to be a HELPER to her husband as described and detailed in Proverbs 31." What would he like to do on a first date? "Whatever is acceptable to her father and edifying to his daughter." And, as could be expected, he does not like the word "date," but prefers "courtship."

Ok, so any homeschooled reader can immediately tell what camp he is in. He's in the patriarchal camp. And even me, a Dr. Who-loving, jeans-wearing, out-of-home working, degree-holding woman does not deride his position. I want to be a helpmeet to my husband. My parents have always been and will continue to be thoroughly involved in my relationships. And when I had a boyfriend, I totally felt uncomfortable saying the word "boyfriend." But the fact that this man felt he had to say these things, and the fact that he's, well, old, tells me he is following an extreme I do not adhere to. He's also divorced, which makes me wonder if he has a double standard for himself.

But the real clincher, if age didn't do it, is what being a Christian means to him:

"To first and foremost seek God and thus flee from false teachers and prophets, and their followers, the swine and the dogs that return to their mire and to eat of their own vomit, as described in 2 Peter 2."

And this is where we pull out all the stops.
Where the bets are called in.
Where the rubber meets the road.
Ie. major RED FLAG time.

Any man or woman, regardless of age and personal convictions, who defines his or her faith by their antagonism to Christ's bride has an extremely distorted perspective.

No matter what age the guy is or how cute he is or how similar you guys seem to be, if he is anti-church, my advice is to RUN. (Why? Because he thinks he's an authority unto himself. Besides many other reasons.)