277: comparison

I struggle with comparison. Like, it's one of my default weaknesses.

The thing is, we are all so different.

I am a single woman in her late 30s, who rents a room cheap from an old family friend, eats dinner almost every night at my parents' home, and spends time on Facebook in a singles' community and watches low-budget Christmas romance movies for fun.

I have a friend who lives in a rural area, rearing three boys with her husband, milking cows, feeding sheep, tending a garden, making homemade yogurt and soup and bread. She plays board games with her husband and reads thick history books for fun.

The comparison is stark. And it is so so so tempting to devalue myself and my life in the process.

Her life is real. Mine is fake. Her life is meaningful. Mine is "city girl" shallow.

My life is what it is because I have chosen to stay in the same town where I grew up, to pursue life here. I have chosen friends who are such quality, God-loving people, but who share similar interests as me. I would like to think my life is what it is because God has sovereignly directed me so far. I know that's been true as far as my job. I could still make different choices and change my life from what it is. And maybe He is calling me to some changes--our lives are not meant to be static, without any sanctifying growth. But I don't think I have heard Him call me to a dramatically different life than what I currently live. (Though maybe with less movies?) And the thing is, I would still take myself along to any circumstance I lived in.

Which leaves me with a choice. Do I accept my life as good in its place in His grand scheme of things?

That is so very difficult for me. To value my contribution. To be okay with the differences between me and a married friend. To not feel judged...by myself. 

And to grapple with whether I do need to make any changes. Whether I even want to. Whether I should want to.

What about you? Do you compare yourself negatively to others, are you confident in your differences, or do others inspire you to improve?

187: this year's Valentines post

I have a new theme for my blog. Embracing the Present.

But I don't want to be always zipadeedooda either.

Basically, I don't know what to write about anymore. I feel like I've already said any thoughts that I continue to regurgitate.

I recommend 2 books. Pain Redeemed: When Our Deepest Sorrows Meet God by Natasha Metzler, and Blindsided by God by Peter Chin. Neither have to do with singleness, but both apply.

I haven't experienced the hardships that other people go through. I haven't experienced infertility or infidelity or wayward children or financial crisis or cancer (which is no respecter of marriage status).

I've only experienced singleness and living at home.

That's it.

So God uses the putty at hand to teach me what I desperately need to learn.

Like, it is okay for life to derail. In fact, it is normal.

When I read my Bible and hear testimonies, I discover that God has no reverence for the "ideal." I'm not sure where we come up with the "ideal" life or the "perfect" life or the most virtuous way of doing things, even down to me thinking that bigger families, living in the country, and not dressing trendy is, by default, "better."

I have completely subjective ideas of what is the ideal life. My ideal would have been to marry NO LATER than 21 years old, have probably a dozen children, raise them so that I have a close relationship with my children and none of them rebel, and have a marriage that would show the older, less-romantic marrieds that this is how you have a good marriage.

What does God do? He gives me, oh, none of it.

I have yet to see where God observes our ideal.

God does not work with ideals. God does not work with your perfect dream.

Sarah was barren for about a century. Her ideal? NO WAY.

Ezekiel's wife dies. His plan? No!

Hosea marries a woman who leaves him for other men, and their relationship is publicized before the whole nation. His idea of a good life? Uh, no.

Moses is sent away by his mother while a toddler, forced into a adoption/foster child type situation where he (my conjecture) fits neither as an Egyptian or as a Hebrew.

Elijah feels all alone in the world.

Daniel is castrated as a eunuch while a teenager.

Esther is forced to marry an older man who sleeps with many women.

Jeremiah is cast into a pit just for doing what God says.

We dismiss these examples because that was God's plan for them. Because we see how God was going to use it. Because they're in the Bible.

No, no, no. These were real men and women who had their lives upended because having your life upended by fate is NORMAL, but God is not fazed IN THE LEAST when your life derails. He does not have to come up with a Plan B. He is right there. His ideal for me was never dependent on me getting married, having children, and homeschooling. His plan for me never involved the path of sanctification I wanted--I wanted, I've always wanted, to be sanctified through marriage, to grow up through the crucible of marriage, to mature through parenting, to fulfill my life's purpose alongside my husband.

Instead, God's plan of sanctification for me means I have to say, no, I have no idea what it's like to be a parent. I've never had to stay up nursing or taking care of a sick child. No, my heart has never broken over my flesh and blood. I have not had to deal with miscommunication with a spouse. I haven't had to learn to compromise with a husband. I haven't had to feel the pang of selfishness being scraped away through marriage. I haven't. And not because I don't want to. But because this, THIS, is God's plan for ME. And the whole world can think I have the easy life as I shake these iron bars and cry out that it wasn't my plan, but--

God is in Heaven, and He does what He pleases. He chooses the paths we trod. Why, why do we hold on to our dreams so tightly and forget that EVERYTHING could go wrong in our lives and, still, EVERYTHING would be ours through Christ? His ideal for us is not temporal and circumstantial but spiritual and eternal. We lose nothing through singleness that every other Christian before us hasn't experienced in their own God-ordained way--the loss of something dear so that we might gain the intimate knowledge of Christ, apart from circumstances.

inside recess on a rainy day

"[T]o be a witness to God is, above all, to know, believe, and understand Him. All that He asks us to do is but means to this end. He will go to any lengths to teach us, and his manipulation of the movements of men . . . is never accidental. Those movements may be incidental to the one thing toward which He goads us: the recognition of Christ." --Elisabeth Elliot, The Savage My Kinsman

177: us single, them married

A college classmate shared an article entitled "I Suck at Being a Friend Right Now." I knew I needed to read it because sometimes I have a hard time extending grace to my married friends. After reading it (click on the link!), I remembered something I had written in my journal. It's a little incoherent (b/c that's how I roll) but it's my reminder to myself that singles and marrieds are in vastly different seasons of life, and yet the gap between the seasons is extremely thin.

Do the unthinkable and let me not forget the feeling of walking in black mirrored fog.

It can feel like an "us" singles, "them" not. But there is a VERY thin veil between the two, with no predictor when one of us will slip into "the other side." Even I, as I walk with you along the illusion of an unending garden walkway, unending walkway while "they" have the estate's manor, may suddenly, while yet griping at my interminable status, run smack into the middle of a concrete step, look up, and see the house only a pace away, hedged on either side and pulling me through its open door with nary a chance for a backward glance.

It feels interminable. It looks unending. And indeed it may seem our lot to tread the garden path and take advantage of living this life to the full.

But never presume that those magically sucked through the illusory veil felt less surprised than you, felt less keenly the disparency between "us" and "them," and did little but live to deserve the switch. So you, walking the VERY SAME PATH of the women before you, may one day stub your toe on the manor's step and have your life changed.

And then, what fools we will have been, thinking we would never reach the attainment of "them." What are they but us in a different season of life? What are we but a parallel life of theirs?

At the church potluck yesterday, I gazed around at the tables. So many people I know from other churches, now all of us attending the same church (what happens when you live in the same community all your life). But they over at that table, while my age, are married, having kids, and are able to interact as peers with other marrieds. And those, over there, while seemingly so much older than me when I was little, are now practically peers, if I could somehow bolster my confidence and bridge the gap between "me single," "them married." Instead, I sat with other single girls my age (goodness, I'm 31) and some teenagers. It's all in my head, I know it. It is a work in progress, to rise beyond the fact that my living conditions look fairly similar to how they did a decade ago and join a world where I may not be married or have kids but I am a peer with life experiences and the ability to exchange conversation just as well as if I did. Pathetic much? I'll get the hang of this by 40, I'm sure. :)

157: give me a fish

In Matthew 7 Jesus says, "For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened. Or what man is there among you who, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will he give him a serpent? If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him!"

This year I wanted a certain kind of "fish" (please bear with my metaphor). I wanted it really bad. But the fish weren't bitin'. So I asked the Lord to take away my hankerin'. And you know what He did? He gave me a hankerin' for a different kind of fish, and I was able to move my fishing pole to a different stream. All was fine.

But then I started looking over at my shoulder at that stream over yonder where that old fishkind (rainbow trout? catfish? salmon?) was still swimming back and forth, whipping its tail. I didn't know if I could be satisfied with my new fishing hole, the one God provided, because, goodness, the sunlight sure glistened nicely off those ol' shiny scales.

One morning, I woke up to find a "For Sale" sign posted right next to that old stream. I didn't know what to think. I had my own fishing hole now. And that ol' fishing spot hadn't brought me any fish before. But why, oh, why did it have to available for more trying now?

So I prayed. I was going fishing again that very day, and I prayed, "Lord, You are a good Father. And You say you will not give me a snake or a stone when I want a fish. That's not in Your heart. I pray for a fish. I believe that You give good things to Your children."

I took my bait and tackle, and I trekked down to my own little fishing hole. And you know what?

I came back with a string full of fish!

Ok, it's a metaphor, a parable. It's a fish tale. But this happened to me lately (minus the fish), and God proved to me His Word when it says "how much more will your Father . . . give." His heart is to bless us, not to give us cursings. If He withholds, fine, He knows best. But He's not asking me personally to settle for something I don't care about. He never has. Instead, I need to ask for His super blessings, believing He can do what I might not think is possible. I need to remember that, instead of a stone, His heart, my own Father's heart, is to give me a fish.

156: hands open

So recently I embarked on a relationship. No, not with my dog. With a real, human man. Because I have had less than successful experiences previously, and because those experiences included not listening to the Lord and not always enjoying my relationships, I have been praying a word picture the last couple weeks.

Lord, my hands are open to You. I am willing for You to take this away if that's Your will. But I also pray that my hands would be open to receive from You the blessings of this relationship.

Well, this weekend while I was heading to a singles retreat in Oregon (I know, I know, not "exactly" single, but I signed up for this before I knew things would change!), I struggled with worry. Thankfully the girls I was going to carpool with had got a late start from Portland, so I sat in my car in Corvallis, eating an amazing spinach florentine bagel with chive and onion schmear and spending much needed time with the Lord.

This is what I learned.

When I begin to worry, my hands close into fists. I try to cling to the relationship, fearful that the Lord will take it away (which in the past has always been my greatest fear). Simultaneously though, I am worried that it might not work, so my hands close and keep me from receiving fully from the Lord the pleasure from being in relationship with another person. I walk the line--half in, half out.

In other words, when I worry, I don't get any benefit at all! I lose out on blessings, and I am less surrendered. It's a lose-lose situation.

Lord, keep my hands open to You!

Devil's Churn, Ore.

"I am well pleased with thy will, whatever it is, or should be in all respects,

And if thou bidst me decide for myself in any affair,

I would choose to refer all to thee,

for thou art infinitely wise and cannot do amiss,

as I am in danger of doing.

I rejoice to think that all things are at thy disposal,

and it delights me to leave them there."

--"God the All," Valley of Vision

139: that towards which He goads us

We wrapped up our Science unit on birds today with a short bio on Audubon and some water coloring! So proud of my artists!

So some of you are probably wondering why I go on, and on, and on, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, about singleness. Clarification needed. Prolonged singleness, and the idea of perpetual singleness (because I tend to anticipate things years in advance), has become a catalyst for me to deal with root issues. Like what to do when life doesn't go according to plan. So yes, I am camping on this and blowing it out of proportion because I want God to use it to deal with issues in my heart.

And He is.

I've been dealing with words like "trials" and "believe." And then I show up at Monday's women's Bible study and the whole lesson is on James 1 and trials. I show up for today's If: Gathering, open the attendee guide, and the whole set of sessions is on believing.

God is speaking. It's going slow. Really slow. But He is speaking. To me.

Reading James 1 and listening to our Bible study leader on Monday, part of me wanted more trials. She used the example of a plane that is designed, built, and then tested to see if it'll work. He tests my faith to see if it's real, if it'll hold. I want to build those calluses of faith that only come from being tested and made stronger. I want to be the 80 year old with amazing peace and faith.

I want more of the fear of the Lord, ie. 1) more humility--letting God be God outside of my comprehension (If: Gathering, Jen Hatmaker) and 2) submitting under Him.

I want more faith--complete confidence even if I am struggling. I want to know and believe Him (Isaiah 43:10). Jen Hatmaker said that faith isn't about us manning up but how we think about God. That's a process. And we don't have to get there on our own. Jo Saxton said tonight, quoting what someone once told her, "The greatest thing about God being your Father is it's His responsibility to get it through to you."

Quoting Jen Hatmaker again, "Sometimes His ways seem crazy. They seem ridiculous." That's how I feel about His plan for my life. Well, back up. I'm starting to sense that He has a plan, and it's not my plan, and my plan doesn't count for a hill of beans except for Him taking into consideration the desires of my heart. But I'm starting to get the perspective that I am not in charge of my life, at least not in the area of getting a husband, not in those areas that I have no control over. And see, that's how singleness prepares us for anything. If I can reconcile myself to God being in control and not me, IF (and that's a big if) I can humbly submit to Him, if I can let Him unfurl His plan, however grand scheme of things it is when really in my world I'm focused on tonight, however crazy or ridiculous His plan seems to me and however not-my-choice it feels, then . . . *deep breath* then the miraculous happens. Then God's kingdom comes. Then His will is done. Then I actually am living up to that salvation prayer, "I confess You as Lord" (Romans 10:9). Then I am better prepared for all the other things that will inevitably happen in life that will keep trying to knock me down.

So that's what I've been working through. Singleness, esp. the idea of perpetual singleness, as a catalyst for faith, submission, trust, knowing God, believing Him. All sorts of good stuff that go way beyond the issue of today's singleness, which really seems irrelevant except for the fact that it spurs me to come to grips with God's ways.

"The word 'missionary' does not occur in the Bible. But the word 'witness' does. [. . . T]o be a witness to God is, above all, to know, believe, and understand Him. All that He asks us to do is but means to this end. He will go to any lengths to teach us, and His manipulation of the movements of men [. . .] is never accidental. Those movements may be incidental to the one thing toward which He goads us: the recognition of Christ." --Elisabeth Elliot, The Savage My Kinsman

124: objectivity

I might have mentioned this before, because it is something that I really appreciate.

I really appreciate the objectivity of God.

I love that my God is both in my circumstances and above my circumstances.

I love that God puts objective beauty all around me whether I choose to gaze at it or not.

I love that God has a place called heaven prepared for me no matter what subjective chaos may or may not happen here.

I love that God sees and is present in my past, present, and future even if I forget how the past has molded me or have no idea where He's taking me.

I love that the cross is an unmoveable event in history and that its sufficiency to save me is unchangeable.

I love that God is with me when I change.

I love that God brings the thread of my childhood into my present and says, "I AM."

I love that God is.

And that's not dependent on me.

sorry, couldn't get rid of the red-eye

God has blessed me over and over these last several months. My cup overflows. Tomorrow everything could change. But I am very thankful for today and yesterday's and the day before's happiness, laughs, satisfaction, and peace. (Explanation: Yes, I blog about singleness and its craziness and my fluctuating emotions, but I don't blog about the rest of my life, which happens to be pretty great! Not that singleness isn't...oh, nevermind. :) Anyway, if I could I would be plastering every post with pix of my students! And if I was writing a teacher blog, I would be telling about all the cool stuff we've been getting to do! But that's not what this particular blog is about. :))

85: why I have to go back to Elohim

Because I can be frustrated with turns of events now, whatever they may be, and blame it on this, that, or the other, and call it unfair.

And I can finally, slowly, reconcile myself to these events.

And I can declare that God had a plan.

But, if I still hold onto this ideal of how things should be

If I say THIS is the way things ought to be and reach for this twinkling star

And keep my focus on that twinkling star as the end all of happiness

SMASH!

Because happy wives can become widows

Arms ready for children can remain bare

Et cetera

Et cetera

Et cetera

And so,

this is why I have to remember to go back to Elohim.

It is all about Jesus.

It is all about His glory.

It is about Elohim sitting on the throne of glory high and lifted up, and the train of His robe filling the temple,

And all around Him cry "Holy! Holy! Holy!"

That is Truth. Reality. Beauty.

That remains constant.

That is the twinkling pinpoint that must always center my vision.

I need the reminder now and tomorrow and next month and six months from now and next year.

17: I have confidence?

I knew a lot more when I was a teenager. I had strong convictions, high standards for my future husband, and I knew what I wanted to do with my life.

Now I'm not sure, not sure, not sure.

I'm also finding that I can realize I'm wrong shortly after I was pretty sure I was right, which makes writing a blog somewhat precarious because you might cringe at what you said weeks or months later.

But even when I'm not being convicted that I was wrong, I tend to be wishy-washy and chameleon-like.

For example, the opposite of proper confidence is when you look back at your weekend and see yourself

talking about careers with a friend on Saturday

looking longingly at the three young marrieds dedicating their babies Sunday morning

laughing at a different friend's Rosie the Riveter inference at Sunday lunch

then being totally confused when Sunday evening two other friends refer positively to a quote about men being made to conquer the world and women are supposed to love their men for it and wondering, at this point, am I supposed to agree or disagree?
What group of people am I with again?
Is this the nod and agree or is this the look appropriately shocked group?

-cue chameleon music-

  

When I find myself nodding my head at two seemingly opposing statements in the same day I just have to wonder WHO AM I? Driven and tossed with every gust of wind perhaps?

Proper confidence is also not freaking out when someone questions the wisdom of a decision you've made after you've already agonized before coming to the decision.

A friend shared with me that, although she knows that God greatly uses counselors and that it's important to get counsel, she wants to start turning to God first in her decision-making.

There's lots of talk about being your own person and not letting people bring you down. Enough to make me ponder whether I should even try to improve my own confidence level.

But what my friend said reminded me that even though I do think it's important for me to grow in personal firmness so I'm not a chameleon, confidence can be empty, and often is empty, when it is not founded in seeking the Highest Authority, Counselor, and Future-Knower. Otherwise it's like having confidence in confidence alone (cue Sound of Music). What is that anyway? (It's a desperate personal peptalk until you convince yourself.)

I don't want a I-know-who-I-am-and-if-you-don't-like-it-don't-waste-my-time attitude.

But to be firm in who I am and where I stand because my confidence comes from the Rock, my Father, my Guide (versus sunshine, rain, and that spring will come again)? That works!

10: confidence

I'm going to a dinner/game night with people my age tonight. The group consists of a good majority of homeschoolers, so I decided to don a skirt (since the last couple times I've hung out with them I've worn jeans). Since it's a casual Saturday, until I leave, I decided to keep my pajama t-shirt on--a new red-neck kind of t-shirt, girly camoflauge. So I have a long maroon t-shirt over a long teal skirt, my hair is down, unbrushed but long and nicely wavy. And I'm like, "I look so much like a homeschooler right now." (Did I mention I AM a homeschooler? Or, was. But once a homeschooler, always a homeschooler, imo.) So I get on FB and write "Homeschool rocks!" Because I'm just feeling the homeschool pride today. :)

And then the dog starts barking out front and I go to bring her inside and I see a teenage girl, the daughter of one of the ladies at church, walking by. I've driven her around a few times when she's needed a ride. I go out to see her. She's dressed in a low-cut tanktop, totally soaking in the early hot sunshine of this deceptively summery March day, walking a friend's baby. And suddenly, I feel self-conscious.Because, oh yes, I look completely homeschoolerish when I could have been looking cool like her (minus the low-cut).

"Well, I'll let you go on with your walk. I'm making applesauce."

That and the kitchen towel in my hand clenched the look of domesticity. Maybe the applesauce comment made me look better because it made me look like I was maximizing this sunny day even though I was inside?

Ah, the beauty of insecurity. :)

I walked back into the kitchen and started thinking, "And you just wrote that homeschool rocks. And this is not confidence. Confidence would have been being completely comfortable in who you are in front of someone who is not the same as you." And I thought, "That's who you want to be, isn't it? You want to be a person who can be the homeschool-type, or the Mennonite type (which I'm not), and be able to talk with all other "types." (I've been inspired by Mennonite books and older women who are able to minister to others without being either judgemental or self-conscious.) You are you, and that's ok."

So what is confidence? It's being secure in who you are today (whether today I'm rocking the homeschool look or the skinny jean look or the hippie look) no matter who you run into. It's being secure in being you, unless of course you want to change who you are, which is fine, but confidence is not wanting to change who you are every time you run across someone who does not mirror yourself.

Ok, back to making applesauce.

4 : just be yourself

"We often have lofty demands for suitors (well, not that lofty – just that they have Jim Elliot’s heart, C. S. Lewis’s mind, William Wallace’s courage, Clark Gable’s face, Cary Grant’s clothes, Josh Groban’s voice…), but we want them to love us just the way we are. [. . .] Janey apparently hopes that her paragon of glowing character and accomplishments won’t mind that she is (apparently) shallow and materialistic, has qualities buried so deep there’s no danger of anyone ever finding them, is not-quite-sold-out for Christ herself… and is not interested in changing."--VisionaryDaughters

 

~*~

 

A friend and I were talking the other day about ourselves. I told her that I do things out of insecurity. She confessed to being very insecure too, which kinda surprised me. "But then every guy wants a girl who is confident," I said in exasperation. I've been on these dating sites. Guys want girls who are confident, know their own minds, etc. etc. "Some guy's got to want a girl who's not!" ("Like me, like normal girls," was my inference.) "Do guys really want that?" she asked. "I don't know," I replied. She then philosophized, "I think the key is just being yourself."

 

I had heard that before. In relationships, in writing.

 

So what does it mean to "be yourself?"

 

Because every once in awhile you run across a person that you wish would stop being himself. Sometimes "being yourself" should be constrained by self-control and social mores.

 

Perhaps to truly be yourself is to be confident enough in yourself that you don't live every conversation trying to laugh at the right moment, agree on topics, look graceful when you can't. To be comfortable in your own skin.

 

Ugh, that.

 

And to my immense comfort, my friend concluded, "I'm still struggling with that."

 

So thankful I'm not the only one. :)