243: not worth a title

Apparently I wasn't willing to put the work into blogging every day when I started that series on my interests.

It has been a hard last few weeks. But Friday was a good day at work, and today it has been wonderfully dark and drizzly outside, creating a feeling of rest and comfort inside.

I am doing the Teachers in the Word Christmas reading plan this season. It's really nice to have something to keep up with consistently! And I also have a mini-reading plan on names for Christ by Natasha Metzler. And I started Ann Voskamp's The Greatest Gift in November to give me a running start (which also has daily Scripture passages). I'm actually not ridiculously behind, which is nice!

In the singles social media group I am a part of, arranged marriage (and its ilk) has been a recent topic of conversation. Lord, is this desire within me of You or my flesh?

And yet, something stirs when I hear the stories of God putting two people together. The difference is that in my culture, two people come together in love and feelings, but in other cultures, two people come together with commitment.

I want that.

Is it practical? So not!

But the idea of choosing someone, or of being chosen and choosing back, and then basing the future on a commitment that will not fall into divorce because there is nothing to "fall out of," the idea of working through differences without the backdoor that you would have in dating--no, you get to work it out knowing that this is who you are meant to be with--that is supremely attractive to me.

I suppose all that (commitment, choosing, working through differences) happens in marriage no matter what relationship you have had to get you there. But there is a reason why arranged marriage cultures have a lower divorce rate. And the perfection of feelings and circumstances that we require of single people today before they can commit to marriage is fantastically also unreasonable.

A girl tonight shared that in Russian Christian culture, the guy prays about who God wants him to marry, hears from God, goes and proposes to the girl, the girl prays, and then they marry. No dating. No wondering if they married the wrong person, because God showed them.

Oh, Lord God.

I do not understand why He works differently in this culture. If He does work differently. I do not know why I am part of a FB group of some 400 conservative Christians who are unmarried and yet (most) want marriage. I do not know how to balance the stymie inherent in my American early 21st century culture with the sovereignty of God in individual lives.

But there seems to be something wrong in this culture that is preventing what seems more doable in other cultures or in other centuries.

I want to be part of whatever that is in other places and times that makes this thing of getting to marriage less impossible and more natural. Is it supposed to be this ridiculously hard for so many my age and older?

And at what point would I be willing to lay aside my culture and all my fears for the sake of "marriage"?

And what does God's wisdom say?

Meanwhile, school is back in session tomorrow for one more week. We got a new washer and dryer after using the neighbor's for, what?, 3 weeks? And Christmas is a-comin' and I already have been using my recently-purchased-from-Hobby-Lobby wrapping paper! (granted, for non-Christmas presents. Ah well.)

I think I can still say I am content with single life. I don't think I'm discontent. But content does not mean sit back and do nothing, now does it?

242: Interest #2

You know what I really like? But it's not anything you could claim as an interest, it just stirs me up.

I like being able to trace God's work in me. I love noticing His sovereignty doing something good through experiences I wouldn't have chosen. I love recognizing how He's used different things to make me who I am thus far. If I had followed a different path, would I have gained or learned or developed the same things?

So it's one part self-aware, one part psycological, and one part thankfulness to God that He's the author of this story.

241: Interest #1

I have long known that I do not like the question, "What are your hobbies?" What am I to say? When I'm not teaching, I'm Facebooking or watching movies? Sometimes reading? #lame. Recently, someone asked me my interests. And again, I stared. "Writing." Ok, there's only so much conversation you can pull from that (especially after listening to someone share about their passion for yoga and rock climbing). When I complained about my boring-ness to a friend, he snidely remarked that my interests are talking on the phone (because I've rediscovered the benefits) and mail order bride books. Hardy har har.

And so, it has been decided. I have started paying better attention to what interests and excites me. Futhermore, I'd like to share my daily findings here. For the record.

What to share today? There are just so many things to choose from! :D

For now, I'll start with something super obscure. In my "saved for later" Amazon list, I've kept a book called, Longing for Motherhood: Holding on to Hope in the Midst of Childlessness by Chelsea Sobolik. I heard it mentioned again on the radio tonight, and I'm considering purchasing.

Why does a book so irrelevant to my stage of life interest me?

A couple years ago I picked up Natasha Metzler's Pain Redeemed, and, really, my life was changed. From what I remember, it is her wrestling with the Lord with infertility, but the themes of pain and dreams dying are common to any of us.

Chelsea Sobolik's book is about her wrestling with the diagnosis when she was still a teen that she would never be able to have children. At 33 years old, I'm not married, I don't when or if I ever will be, if I will ever be able to have children. I, too, have wrestled with the Lord. I think that her biographical account would be both heart-touching, edifying, and on a spiritual level, relatable.

It also interests me because it is a real issue women deal with. Depression after giving birth (the term alludes me) also piques my interest because I think it must be so helpful to know that those feelings are not just unique to you, and as an outsider, I would want to have compassion on a mother dealing with that. I guess it fascinates me.

So, I just have to decide whether to spend another $20 for $5 off on Amazon before the end of November.

240: the latest

Has it been nearly two months? It has. What can one say? I am teaching three grades again (so far I'm not dying, by God's grace), I have a side writing job (yay for writing =ing moolah), my back is killing me while I sleep (so lots of making time for chiropractor appointments and exercise classes), and I'm on a no-sugar/dessert break for a month (and in that, I am dying).

Thus lie the pros and cons of my natural life.

No love life, but it is currently the three year anniversary of my last break up. Not that I haven't had heartbreaks since then, just nothing official to point at.

And spiritually? Well, this last week, not so great on my end of faithfulness, but I did learn something about a week and a half ago. I started praying "Lord, I trust You with _______" and "Lord, I lay _______ at the foot of the cross." Usually I constantly repeat, "Lord, help me do this and that and the other," which is actually very draining on me. A laundry list of all the areas where I need help can at times feel like reliving the burdens of the day, not unloading them. The alternate verbiage of "Lord, I trust You to _______" was a completely, utterly new way of praying for me. It actually felt like  leaving the matter(s) in God's hands. I trust You to help me be gracious towards this person. I trust You to give me wisdom on how to help this student. It's leaving my sanctification in God's hands and, seemingly, having actual faith that He will accomplish it. The only problem was having to check myself when it started feeling like I had to say the magic words. Because, the few days that I did pray that way, there was noticeable improvement in my day.

And as for praying "Lord, I lay ____ at the foot of the cross," it was an alternate way of my normal, "Lord, please forgive me for this and that, and if that was sin, and for that stupidity"--spiraling into a slight haze of depression-esque-ness. Instead, laying those things at the foot of the cross, in my mind, was an, ok, this and that way that I messed up and sinned, I lay it before You at the cross (on which the blood of Christ has already made atonement for me). Finit. The end. *contented sigh*

So that's the latest with me.

P.S. The kids at school are memorizing 1 Jn. 2:1-8 this month. That means every day we sing that "He Himself is the propitiation for our sins." Talk about a very unique vocabulary word!

"Say to Him, 'Here, Lord, I give myself to you. I have tried in every way I could think of to manage myself and to make myself what I know I ought to be, but I have always failed. Now I give it up to you. Take complete possession of me. Work in me all the good pleasure of your will. Mold and fashion me into a vessel that seems good to you. I leave myself in your hands. I believe you will, according to your promise, make me into "a vessel unto honor, sanctified, and meet for the Master's use, and prepared unto every good work"' (2 Timothy 2:21)." --Hannah Whitall Smith

239: rolling it on

In Psalm 37:5 it says, "Commit your way to the LORD, Trust also in Him, And He shall bring it to pass." 

Proverbs 16:3 is similar: "Commit your works to the LORD, And your thoughts will be established."

I looked up the word "commit." It's the Hebrew "galal," meaning to roll away/down/together.

I love that! These nagging anxieties that mount up like stones. Plunk. Then another, plunk. These unavoidable burdens that clump down into the soul and drag along the bottom.

I am trying to practice rolling them onto the Lord. It is so easy to ignore my worries, let the gnawing-away at my peace linger. Last year (I probably have said this before), I struggled with praying, partly because I had SO MANY anxieties and moments of failure and cares built up--I had no strength to pull them out one by one and give them to the Lord in prayer. I would say, "Here they are, Lord. Help me," but I was still shoulder-bearing undefinable, shadowy burdens. They weren't rolling over.

So right now, in this end of summer, beginning of the school year season, I am practicing rolling those worries over to the Lord and not carrying them with me throughout the day. He tells us to. Isn't that amazing? He tells us to be anxious for nothing but to let our request be made known to Him. He tells us to cast all our care on Him because He cares for us. We are encouraged to make Him our rock, our defense, our water in a thirsty land. 

"From the end of the earth I will cry to You,

When my heart is overwhelmed;

Lead me to the rock that is higher than I." (Ps. 61:2)

He doesn't want us to feel like we have the responsibility to carry around these weights with us throughout the day. Do you ever feel like that? As if carrying around the worry is a responsible activity? That it is making a difference? That's not Truth. Truth is that we are to roll our worries onto Him, and let Him deal with them.

238: what's been going on with me this summer

I thought I would share some of the thoughts of my heart and brain this last month! Nothing super organized, just what's been ping-ponging inside lately.

Abide. Fruit. Not of myself. Those have been the big ideas.

I'm kinda going through two studies this summer. #Fruited by Bethany and Bonnie of Teachers in the Word is all about the fruits of the Spirit. Teach Uplifted: Devotions for Teachers is more of an in-depth devotional based off of Hannah Whitall Smith's A Christian's Secret of a Happy Life. Amazingly enough (or not, cuz it's God), without my knowing so when I ordered them, both studies address the same topic: We can't bear fruit on our own. Which is soooooo what God was already leading me to after last school year.

Looking back on last school year, I think I was running on spiritual empty all year long. I struggled to fake the fruit of the Spirit and to force the flesh down.

I'm not saying I know this year will be any different. Except, oh Lord, please--

Here's the prayer from Teach Uplifted that I'm holding onto:

I felt drawn to Colossians this last week or so. I opened it up. Everything is about reckoning myself dead to sin and letting Christ live in me. Letting Him do it. The fruit of the Spirit is the fruit of Him. Being transformed is a passive (?) thing that I allow Him to do.

I hate the warped idea of kicking back and not making room in one's life for holiness. It's a pet peeve. As if grace is an excuse to say, "Whatever you did this week, it's okay, let it go." No, it's not okay.

"It would be very strange that what was previously the object of destroying vengeance should now become the object of toleration. Now that the penalty is removed, do you think it is possible that the unchangeable God has given up His aversion to sin so that ruined and redeemed man may now indulge, under the new arrangement, in that which under the old destroyed him?" (Dr. Chalmers, quoted in A Christian's Secret of a Happy Life, quoted in Teach Uplifted)

I love that quote. But simultaneously, what I think God is revealing to me this summer is that I cannot work to bear fruit in my own striving. I can submit myself to God. I can bring every worry back to Him in prayer. I can beseech Him. I can trust Him. I can trust Him to perform His work through me, but by the power of His Spirit.

(Or, as Hannah Whitall Smith would say, do we really think that He who delivered us from the consequence of sin will not also deliver us from the power of sin now?)

I sure hope it makes a difference this school year. I am holding on to faith that what I have entrusted to Him He will be faithful to complete.

Sounds kinda ridiculous to think otherwise because of course He is faithful and powerful enough to conquer my flesh and bear the miraculous fruit of the Spirit through me.

If I remind myself I am dead and walk in the Spirit.

I'm just starting to start to learn about everything I just wrote above. But those are the thoughts pinging in my head. :)

237: to have courage to share this part of life too

"For I am full of words;

The spirit within me compels me.

Indeed my belly is like wine that has no vent;

It is ready to burst like new wineskins.

I will speak, that I may find relief" (Job 32:17-20a)

I went to a new women's Bible study/devotional fellowship this evening with my semi-new-to-me church. We're going to be studying women in the Bible and how they responded yes or no to God. Tonight was on Sarah. For professional development, I've been learning about comprehension strategies, such as "determining importance." Out of all the material a student reads, how is he to determine what is important? With the skill of "synthesizing," importance is sometimes determined by what interests the person. So, all that to say, as we were led through this study tonight, I tried to focus not just on taking notes for the sake of taking notes, but listening for what might apply to me, what God might speak to me as relevant.

There were a couple things that stood out, but as the leader read from Genesis 8, a very familiar story about Sarah laughing when God told Abraham that she would bear a child in her old age, I looked down at the passage and part of the verse whirled off the page with the big question mark, "APPLICABLE?" I don't like to claim promises from Scripture that are not promises, but I did feel like this was for a group I'm part of consisting of older Christian single women. I anticipated sharing this with them.

The study portion concluded. We all traipsed out to the pool and stuck our feet in. The leader asked us for our input about what we read.

I knew. I knew from before we left the living room that I should have the boldness to share what God had showed me about singleness.

But this is a group of mostly older ladies, all women who have had husbands, children, homes of their own. The evening progressed with lots of stories about husbands, children, home repair. Children, husbands. Anyone else have anything to share? Husbands, children, life that (I slowly realized) I literally could not relate to.

And I kept my mouth shut.

"Indeed my belly is like wine that has no vent" (Job 32:19).

Why? Well, first off, I'm just getting to know these people. But I want to be open. I want the fellowship. The other reason I didn't speak is that what I wanted to share had to do with singleness.

I didn't want my sharing to sound like a request for pity.

I would have had to share the context of the difficulty of singleness. And the difficulty wasn't the point. The point was that God had shown up during our Bible study.

I couldn't muster the bravery.

And so I sat and listened and felt the emotional strength drain from me as I listened to stories truly interesting, but unrelatable, until I finally left.

God, give me the strength to be open next time! I won't get the fellowship I crave if I won't speak what is on my heart. And no one is going to read my mind for me.

I am thankful that I think I have found a group to have true Christian fellowship with.

Now it's on me.

"Be strong and of good courage" (Joshua 1).

~*~

Ok, so let me share what I think God may have drawn out for older singles.

I've been looking at this idea of how old we are getting and our desire for marriage still, and I've been wondering how much I need to just acknowledge it probably won't happen. We have absolutely no idea what life not as single is, and, personally, theology + personality + availability = need a miracle to make it happen. But--

"After I have grown old, shall I have pleasure...?" (Gen. 18:12)

Sarah was skeptical too. After she was now old, was it likely that she would enjoy a child--her own child--in her arms? She laughed at the idea. That boat had passed her by long ago.

What was God's response? Why are you laughing? Why are you doubting it could be?

"Is anything too hard for the LORD?" (Gen. 18:14)

And that is...that. Would you, could you, still experience marriage and family and spend the rest of your days in a completely different season of life?

Is anything too hard for God?

236: guy versus starring image

You meet someone. You are immediately attracted for some unknown reason. You get to know him a little and the attraction remains. Then you don't see him for awhile. The first week is hard, maybe the first two weeks. Or more, depending on how much stalking you can do, or if he'll message you back. You see him again. Build the friendship more. Then another spate of time. Another meeting. Another length of distance and time. This is just getting ridiculous now. Here's someone with whom you could maybe, really, make a good match, ie. you could marry this person, possibly, potentially, if you could spend more time with him. Ach, you miss him! Grr, this is so frustrating. Oh, he's so wonderful in this area and that area. Remember when he looked at you that way? When you had that unspoken communication, like souls meeting? Or when he laughed at your joke and made eye contact that said, I see you, I notice you?

The interest in this person shoots up astronomically. Alongside it spurts up the baby leaves of a hugely-rooted monstrosity of a desire for marriage. Down there inside are all the rhizomes, taproots, and tuberous roots of a God-implanted desire that you have nurtured and watered--sometimes obsessively, sometimes unavoidably--for many a year. Every time the desire sprouts--which, admittedly, is quite often--you let it leaf-up for a bit and then hack it back. Because even though it's fine and dandy for it to have roots, ain't nobody want to deal with that thing--that clamoring umph for companionship and emotional and physical interaction--always in your face.

As your longing for this real-life person is shooting up like a dandelion in spring, so is this other plant simultaneously. Soon you find yourself saying things like, "I just want to marry SOMEONE," "Why can't I just have a chance with him? Just a chance!" "I don't care who it is, just give me someone, Lord."

You start imagining a life together--a potential-life. A vague personality that you interact with. A vague voice at your side. Your own words siphoned into male aspect, affirming you, saying how much he loves you.

Do not tell me I'm the only one.

And poof! It's no longer about him. It is no longer about the real human being that you were attracted to, well, it seems eons ago.

It isn't.

It's now about my desire for marriage taking over, blocking my vision with an intangible vision for the future.

At this point, he's transformed into a character in a play about my potential-life. I've filled in all the gaps of what I don't know, and he is now ready to star in a 2D production, with me as heroine.

It really isn't even about him anymore. Any ol' guy I somewhat like could be slotted to play the starring male role. I could repeat the production, have repeated the production, many a time over without the real life person being any worse for wear for all the emotional, invisible screen time he gets.

No. It has to stop.

Am I liking this person because I am genuinely attracted to him and see quality attributes? Or, as I get to know him better, am I still holding on to dwindling hope because this other desire has blocked my vision? Or, another possibility, as I spend more time away from him, am I forgetting why I even liked him when I was around him, but am building up a huge hope around him because he happens to be (the only one) available to star in my dreams?

Not to be brutal to the poor plants in this story, but cut them apart. Cut down that marriage desire so that you can see the actual person in your life. Deal with the marriage desire separately, before God. That is a spiritual issue of dealing with your life circumstances. It is a separate issue from that on hand. Ok, now turn back to this guy. You are now free to deal with him as he is, and not what you hope he could be.

It's hard enough to develop relationships what-with the Internet and distance taking away the 5-senses reality of a person. Let's not make it harder.

I saw a wild rabbit while driving the other day. #citygirl

Book Review: Better Together by Rusty George

I've been horrible at posting, I know. And I'm hoping during the summer, I write a bit more. Because I don't want this site to be alllllll book reviews. And I honestly do sometimes have things to say. I just then don't have the umph to pull out my computer and external keyboard. But rumor is that I'm getting a new computer, smaller, with a keyboard that works. And it IS summer. So I should write more. *should*

Meanwhile...another book review!

This poor gem has been waiting patiently for me to finish for a couple months now. I could have written the review before now, but I wanted to wait til I actually finished it. Which was this weekend. So now I can say what I have been waiting to say.

THIS BOOK IS SO GOOOOOOOD!

I have lost faith in today's nonfiction books, but this book, au contraire, was no disappointment. I mean, it could have easily been a trendy, little basis-in-Scripture book, especially with the fun spotlight on the cover:

"SUPRISING TRUTH FOR: Introverts, Extroverts, Control Freaks, Free Spirits, People Persons, Curmudgeons, and, Especially, YOU"

Gotta admit though, that is one of the things that drew me to this book.

Ok, backing up. Why did I choose this book to review?

I have been stirred the last, mm, year, about the need for godly community, spiritual fellowship, mutual edification. Or as a friend and I do when we text each other Scripture verses, #mutualedification. (SO trendy sounding ;))

I have been blistered by the thought from Proverbs 5:14, "I was on the verge of total ruin, In the midst of the assembly and congregation." In other words, I can be attending church faithfully and still find myself slipping away spiritually.

I know that community is important. But any of us can spout how we need it til the cows come home. Doesn't mean we have found it.

So, this book. Back to the topic at hand. I didn't know what to expect. Would it be primarily watered-down, Scripture-quoted-out-of-context content? But this book was neither exegetically unsound (imo; not that I necessarily agree with every iota) or made up of run-of-the-mill opinions that do nothing. The author actually had some really good, solid, edifying insight, with lots of personal stories, and I highly recommend the book! 5 out of 5 stars.

The most impactful chapter to me was "Everyone else is an idiot." Basically, Jesus' disciples were not on-par with him. They were not His equals. In fact, they were sub-par in comparison. But, author Rusty George writes, "Jesus stayed in community with them. . . . He continued to trust, lead, and teach them. He gave them opportunities to represent Him. It was as if He enjoyed being with them. How could they have possibly been any benefit to Him? How could they have given Him anything other than heartburn or a few laughs?" The author adds that "it's hard to have people walk with me who cause more trouble than they're worth."

It struck me hard that Jesus did not need his disciples to be his spiritual or mental equals to desire to be in community with them. He could have easily gone with the idea that "I can do this better alone." He is God. He created the world without any help. But He didn't choose to do His three years of ministry on earth alone. Even when He was at His emotional lowest before the cross, He actually wanted three of these people around Him. He wanted that community, even though they fell asleep on Him.

If Jesus didn't need people who were his mental and spiritual equals, then that qualification must not be important. If Jesus wanted community, then it must really be important.

So, 5 out of 5 stars. Available at an Amazon near you.

P.S. Lest there be any confusion, no, this isn't a marriage book :)

Book Review: Mary Poppins

I found this old book review I wrote, and since I've been thinking of the book lately, I thought I'd share it here!

August 21, 2012

Greetings! A school librarian gave me four Mary Poppins books for my class (when I was teaching). Before I put them in my personal class library, I thought I should preview them first. I read through the first quickly and am in the middle of the second right now.

Parents have differing opinions on the Disney version of Mary Poppins. The movie has two splendid actors - Dick Van Dyke and Julie Andrews - and has some fabulous songs, like the very famous Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious! But in the movie, Mary Poppins seems eerily magical, and many have thought she is a witch. And then there is the Disney injection of early 20th century feminism. So what about the books?

In the books, Mary does all the crazy weird things she does in the movie, if not more. But I am not convinced, yet, that one must attribute these to witchcraft or underworld power. It is often hinted by others that Mary is unusual and unlike other people. But every time the children have an extraordinary adventure with her, she emphatically denies that anything happened. As of right now, I tend to think a family could read the Mary Poppins series and just call it a fun, wildly imaginative story.

Who is Mary Poppins? She is a nanny who is noted for being obsessed over her appearance, curt, and often angry. She is haughty and treats the children rudely. She gets angry when they talk about their adventures with her until they are forced to wonder if anything really happened. And yet, they still love her.

So Mary Poppins is not a role model (she's no Julie Andrews!). But who says that she should be? Michael and Jane don't aspire to be like her one day. They simply love her, faults and all. Her faults are in no way glorified. Just because she has "super powers" (if you could say that) doesn't mean she can't be very human.

There's no suffragette theme in the books, though some of the adventures are a bit animal activist. In book one, they go to a zoo at night where the animals have locked up people and are treating them like humans treat zoo animals. In book two, Mary Poppins helps a lark lock up its former owner in a bird cage so it can terrorize her.

My conclusion? I'm not sure. I would say give them a try and see what you think. I've been enjoying them, but I'm not part of the Mary Poppins Fan Club now. :)

235: fellowship

All I can I think is I've got to get some fellowship. True, into each other's lives, spurring onto Christ-likeness support.

As a teacher I am surrounded by coworker friends, and yet somehow I feel like a loner in managing my class. I crave having another person in my room. I don't want to keep doing this alone. (Kids don't make for a great emotional support system.)

I left Jazzercise last night with no one to say goodbye to as everyone mingled with their friends. Apparently not-attaching is a theme for me.

But I do attach. At Bible college this last year I've sat next to the same lady every week intentionally because everyone else already knew each other and she was someone I could be buddies with.

I want a spouse. I have always craved someone to do this thing called life with. So I don't have to bear it all alone.

Proverbs 5:14 (NKJV) "I was on the verge of total ruin, In the midst of the assembly and congregation." Sometimes I think of this verse and muse in fearful awe at how we can be in the midst of people and completely slide through the cracks.

Fellowship, y'all. I am chasing it.

"As [Jesus] walked this earth He experienced all the emotions we do, and in His darkest hours, He craved community." -Rusty George, Better Together

234: social media as an anesthetic for singleness

my dog on my leg while I was sick last week

What I'm about to theorize and muse about does not apply to some of the most single of us so there downs half of my argument. But, it might apply to me, and it's an interesting idea, so I'm going to go ahead and click-clack about it anyway.

I think that social media usage sometimes anesthetizes us from our singleness.

Actually, I KNOW it does. It, like any other social activity, takes away the loneliness. So that's not quite what I mean.

A quick Google search says "anesthetize" is to "deprive of feeling or awareness." I think social media can deprive us of the feeling or awareness of our lack of in-person attachments. It can make us not quite feel our singleness.

Okay, okay, I know the opposite is true as well. Who hasn't scrolled through social media and felt angst from viewing all those engagement and baby announcements?

This last 12 month period I have been part of this amazing Facebook group of Christian singles. It's like the City--it never sleeps. There is always something going on. Some conversation, deep or ridiculous. Some meme to like. Some gif to search for and add as a comment for others to like. Some person to roll your eyes at or interaction to laugh at.

It is a unique Internet community.

The other night I had to go outside without my phone. I looked up at the stars, the moon, the dark sky. And immediately felt lonely. Immediately started praying for a spouse and kids.

And I wonder...

If I lived without this instant access to people across the country at all hours of the day...

If I lived without this placebo numbing me to real life...

If so, and I know this is far-fetched, but...

Would I be less single today?

Probably not, but--

At what point does need drive us to action? To unprecedented action? Especially in a 21st century, first-world, middle-class life where "need" is almost nonexistent.

What would it take to cause us to do the unthinkable, whatever that may be? We'll never know. Because we never allow ourselves to get to that point. All these movies and fictional scenarios where people are faced with these either/or situations, where they have to be brave or face their fears or allow themselves to be stretched beyond their desires--I'm not saying we don't experience that now, but we don't willingly throw ourselves at those situations. We pad our discomfort with distraction, our need with placebos. Our wants--those things we can do something about with little cost--we'll gratify with fulfillment. But we prefer not to feel need. We must not feel need.

I don't know. Just some thoughts.

Anyway, it's an interesting question of how much social media affects my singleness.

Yet I am still grateful for it.

P.S. I use movies to anesthetize my singleness too, but I could only pick on one thing in this post :)

233: musings turned ramble turned somewheres else

Today I finally got away to a Christian bookstore-turned-coffee shop for a chance at a Spice Chai and some sitting. With the smart phone (aka Facebook, texting, Internet) tucked away in my purse, (and, by God's grace, staying there for the most part) I was able to, finally, devote some time to journaling and trying to pray.

And so I found myself journaling about, what else, singleness.

It's in those moments where I actually pause in life that I seem to wax on about this state.

Why?

I think part of it is because in my actual life--in my life as a teacher--every day I fail. Every day, or most every day, I could come home, consider my day, and despair about a myriad of ways I have failed both in Christian character and academically, though mostly in my behavior.

So when I come home in the evening, if I have been able to put aside the cares of the day, if I have dealt with the lingering issues that must be mentally dealt with before having peace, then I have very little desire to stir them all up again by even thinking about them in prayer.

Ok, so this blog post is becoming a processing sounding board. A public journal. Soooooorrrry.

When the moment comes to settle into a dark leather chair with a hot drink in hand on a Saturday morning, when the scene is idyllic, Instagram-worthy, and not at all my usual (I'm not a hot drink person), when I am coming to God Almighty when focused prayer time has become a confusing maze of where do I start and how does one do this, I always, naturally, come back to singleness.

Eh, and maybe it is because another friend got engaged and just posted it on Facebook.

Maybe it is because I have always equated the desire for marriage with hope. And when I come to God in a quiet moment, I come to the One in whom I hope.

Maybe--allow me to get ridiculously metaphysically philosophical, cuz this is the first time I've considered this--maybe, very seldom, I am not praying about marriage at all, but rather a desire for the day when He will make all things beautiful.

There's a book I read eons ago by Ted Dekker (but this wasn't a novel) called The Slumber of Christianity: Awakening a Passion for Heaven on Earth. Although I don't remember much about it now, I believe that is where I first awakened to this idea of HOPE. That we are created to hope. That hope is so, so powerful.

Of course, the hope that our souls crave is really Heaven.

There is so much about our perception that needs to be corrected. I mean, I was journaling today about wives being submissive and quiet and was thinking about how meekness is strength under control and how women have all this social-emotional strength and, unwittingly, I kinda realized that when we say everything we are thinking--measure, condemn, and demolish a man with our words--that that is not using our strength, that is like a city with no walls where what was meant for good has run amuck!

Perspective. Perception. A tweak here, a tweak there.

Goodness, this is not the blog post I was planning to write. Oh well, I didn't plan what I was going to write anyway.

We have to keep growing. Learning to see things more accurately.

Back to the topic of several paragraphs ago, I do desire marriage, and not for some idealistic, metaphysical, replacement hope for heaven. I have very real reasons to want marriage, and I also have sinful reasons to want marriage, like covetously wanting to join the "I have someone too" club.

But, as C.S. Lewis said, if we find a desire within us that cannot be met here on earth--a fairy tale hope, a dream of a Savior on a white horse, the call to a reality other than this one--maybe it is because we ARE made for somewhere else. Whether single, married, happy, frustrated, we are all mortals seeking a heavenly city which hath foundations, whose builder and maker is God. We have a homeland (Hebrews 11:14).

If you are going to freeze-frame an Instagram-worthy moment of time, believe even more in the beauty of eternity, because actual life in the presence of the I AM is going to be more real, more unimaginable, more beyond-comprehension fulfilling than an unfiltered pic of a coffee cup and a leather seat on a Saturday morning.

232: this vday

What am I thinking about this Valentines Day?

The Teachers Pay Teachers sale that ends tomorrow, the novel about Luther and Katharina that I'm reading for fun, the busy day behind me.

Ok, what am I thinking about *singleness* this Vday?

I've tried not to think about it much, actually.

But in general (and today too...while washing my hands...while sitting at a stop light...) I've been thinking about this whole idea of "settling." Sometimes I just really want to get married, and I wonder how much I'd be willing to compromise for that end result of having someone to build a life into old age with.

Ok, between my family and my emotions, the likelihood of me actually compromising on much is fairly low. I mean, I think I'd have to be thrown into a marriage with no turn around to actually not critique a prospect within an inch of his humanhood. (we're workin' on this)

But I am intrigued by this idea of marriage being something far less than I have trained my heart to believe. What if...what if marriage is simply two friends who are willing to do whatever it takes to make it to happily ever after to the glory of God? What if it's just two people who really believe they are designed for marriage and are willing to work out the kinks by leaning on each other, good counsel, and the power of the Spirit?

What if it's ok if he sometimes annoys me?

What if it's ok if he's older than my "ideal"?

What if it's ok if we aren't soulmates on every preference?

And what if my "ideal"--the "dream," whichever shade it may be taking at 32 yrs old--is not as important as having a reality? Not ANY reality, and not a close facsimile, but a reality that can become something I will forever be surmising about if I'm not willing to finger it by sheer faith.

No, no Boaz's are lying at my feet begging me to stop being annoyingly picky. I mean, maybe if I got a straight up marriage proposal I might just--

Nope, still too clear headed for that. Too rational. Too governed by freak-out emotions.

Too bad.

Does all of this sound awfully silly?

Tis ok. It's Valentines Day! And honestly, for the most part, I don't know what I'm talking about.

Chau.

Wrestling bears and Book Review: Graciousness by John Crotts

Ok, so...

Long time no see, btw. :)

At the time I requested this book to review, I was contemplating the strange notion that a guy can be kind without being nice. Or rather, I wanted to learn more about the Biblical category of kindness versus the cultural concept of niceness, because I felt like they must be different, and in getting to know menfolk, I wanted to be able to let go of my need for niceness while still evaluating whether they were the opposite of kindness. Because niceness seems to be more a feminine demand that maybe "we" shouldn't demand of men all the time.

So I thought this book might be JUST THE THING to give me a study on Biblical kindness from a man's perspective. :)

Meanwhile...

(Yes, I'm turning this into more than a book review, because it's more interesting this way, if not more cumbersome just to get to the review section.)

I'm part of a conservative Christians group on Facebook. And right before I got the e-mail confirmation about this book--with an e-book link to keep me occupied while the paperback was being mailed!--there was a big Calvinist/non-Calvinist eruption online. Actually, there have been several in the last month, most of which I seem to find myself in the middle of, but this one happened simultaneously with my receiving this book.

Background. I am not Calvinist. I believe in God's sovereignty, His foreknowledge, His omniscience, His omnipotence, that He does whatever He pleases. I also believe that He allows men to accept or reject His free gift. I believe that He loves the WHOLE world and that Jesus' substitutional sacrifice is available to all people. I also believe that baptism is a sign to the world by the believer of Who his Master now is. I do not believe that God's calling and promises to Israel in the Old Testament were only to a spiritual "Israel" that then became what we know today as the church. Rather, Romans 9-11, in my viewpoint, is talking about a nation, a group of people, that God will restore when the fullness of the Gentiles is complete. I also believe in a literal 1,000 year reign of Christ on earth at the end of the world.

I know there are lots of nice Reformed believers who do not bend on what they believe--that's a good thing!--but who also do not feel the need to be obnoxious about it. I respect and have learned from Reformed believers because of their passion for Biblical scholarship even as I disagree fairly strongly with their conclusions.

But over the years I have run across a VERY few that feel the need to proclaim from the rooftops something like *dot, dot, dot* Calvinism is the true Biblical theology, the theology Jesus would have preached, that you're either Calvinist or Arminian, and that Arminianism is heresy. And if you want them to calm down on the passionate rhetoric, then you're insecure or being too sensitive or haven't read your Bible. Go, Reformed Theology!

Or at least, that's how the communication trickles into my ear. Whether that is what is meant, I cannot say. And whether or not I may have poked a Calvinist bear a time or two in my lifetime, well...I'm working on self-control.

So that's what I had just experienced when I received this book. I opened up to the first chapter and read, "Many young Christians who discover Reformed theology for the first time enter what has been called the 'cage phase.'. . . They are using their newfound knowledge of the truth like a club to assault those around them who have different understandings of the Bible." The author continues that the "antidote to the truth zealots' harsh tones" is not a lesser love of truth but an application of Biblical graciousness.

What on earth? How did I get a book aimed at instructing Reformed believers on how to be gracious when discussing theology with others? LOL!

So, obviously, this book was not what I was expecting to get, but that's ok.

On to the book review!

The first half of the book is an apologetic for graciousness. It was hard for me to follow the author's organization, and I felt like some of the extrapolation from Scripture was a stretch. Like that Jesus' admonishment to the church at Ephesus in the book of Revelation--that they needed to return to their first love--refers in large part to their love of people. So if they did not repent of acting unloving, He would snuff them out. Interesting and edifying, but I wasn't exactly convinced of this interpretation of that verse.

The second half of the book though got into practical application. Much of the information wasn't new, but it was a good compilation of other sources into one. Actually, what he had to say was very good, very true, and applicable in many scenarios.

My favorite part is when he says that before we try to convince another of some point of theology, we need to first listen. He says that other people will be more open to listening to you if you can well articulate their own point of view back to them. WITHOUT that tinge of criticism that I know I personally am so prone to add when summarizing what someone has just said. People will know that you actually understand them and thus will be more willing to hear your verses combating their view. Yes! This! On Facebook I noticed that no one was asking what non-Reformed believers actually believe. Or why.

The author talks about listening well for the reasons beneath the opposing position. He gives an example of someone who believes you can lose their salvation and has concerns that those who believe in eternal security now have license to sin. Instead of blasting them with eternal security verses, the author suggests you first address the legitimate concern about the license to sin. Because that is the underlying issue for the other person. I love that. It is so applicable in all communication, not just theological debates.

He also writes, "If you merely match passion and volume for passion and volume, coupled with verses against verses, what do you think will be accomplished? Will God be glorified? Will the conversation communicate the love of Christ to the other person?" (chapter 7)

Another good quote--again, applicable to any situation--"Obviously, when everyone is on the same team, or perceives themselves to be on the same team, the potential for a gracious and effective conversation multiplies exponentially. . . . If two people are having a theological discussion, it makes a difference if they posture themselves as enemies or friends." (chapter 7)

We are all on the same team--we are all redeemed, we are all followers of Christ, we all value Scripture as the authoritative Word of God. That is our unifying point. We are not enemies but brothers.

So what is my assessment of this book? I think the practical second half of the book won me over. I think all Reformed seminarians should read this book as part of the curriculum (since Reformed believers are the target audience), but it is also great for anyone who is passionate about theology and wants to grow in communication effectiveness. He makes a good argument for the idea that communication breaks down if we do not practice graciousness.

I also recommend David Powlison's Good & Angry for those who want to delve deeper into the heart motivations of why we are sometimes ungracious.

I received a complimentary copy of this book from Cross Focused Reviews in exchange for an honest review.

Book Review: Judah's Wife by Angela Hunt

I LOVED Esther by Angela Hunt, but after Bathsheba I decided to forego any more Angela Hunt books (b/c tmi). But then a family member recommended Egypt's Sister, the first of the new Silent Years series. And then Judah's Wife (about the Maccabees) came up in my Bethany House Publisher's e-mail of books I could potentially read and review and, being that it was around the time of Hanukkah, I thought HEY, I'll ask for the e-book and get started on it while it is still the time of the year when we celebrate the Maccabees! I was excited! I was going to enter into the season!

There was strong characterization in the beginning. A girl brought up with an abusive father is glad to escape but thinks her new husband is secretly waiting for her to let down her guard so he can hurt her. Judah, one of several sons, told by his father it is time to marry and then finds himself lovestruck by the cheese-maker's daughter with no idea of the baggage she will be bringing into their relationship. The setting? The in-between years of the Old and New Testaments when many Jews were assimilating with the culture of the nations. Judah's zealous father leads his family and town to stand up against the invading pagans who would force them to sacrifice to their gods. But when the father dies, he appoints Judah to take his place, and Leah finds herself married to a warrior, a man who strikes down people, a man who is everything she never wanted.

The book offers a play by play of the battles Judah and his brothers lead against invading forces. A couple descriptive battle scenes (with elephants!). A lot of "we went there, hid here, fought them, and won." Several inspiring rallying speeches before and after Judah's father dies--a call to serve the one true God, to defy the idol-worshipping rulers, to trust Him who is not constrained by small numbers.

And Judah and Leah's story stays mostly surface level, in the background.

Their initial conflict is resolved. They finally are happy. But they are like characters passing in the night. Who are they? What do they say when they are at home taking care of their goats? For the reader, the husband-and-wife character development is sacrificed for Judah's battles, and I am left wondering why it is called "Judah's Wife" when I feel like I barely know her.

Neither is there any build-up to a climax. I was waiting for the BIG MOMENT. The goal towards which all this is building. There wasn't one. I'll refrain from giving away the ending. It was really good, if not abrupt, but...

the book was ill-named and so my expectations skewed my perception of the story.

I recommend this book if you want to read about the Maccabees battling the many enemies that came out against them and be inspired by how God delivered them. That part was interesting though slightly monotonous (even the characters mention near the end that they've been doing the same thing in and out with no change to their circumstances). I would not recommend this book if you want to read a character-driven story.

I received this book for free from Bethany House Publishers in exchange for an honest review.