236: guy versus starring image

You meet someone. You are immediately attracted for some unknown reason. You get to know him a little and the attraction remains. Then you don't see him for awhile. The first week is hard, maybe the first two weeks. Or more, depending on how much stalking you can do, or if he'll message you back. You see him again. Build the friendship more. Then another spate of time. Another meeting. Another length of distance and time. This is just getting ridiculous now. Here's someone with whom you could maybe, really, make a good match, ie. you could marry this person, possibly, potentially, if you could spend more time with him. Ach, you miss him! Grr, this is so frustrating. Oh, he's so wonderful in this area and that area. Remember when he looked at you that way? When you had that unspoken communication, like souls meeting? Or when he laughed at your joke and made eye contact that said, I see you, I notice you?

The interest in this person shoots up astronomically. Alongside it spurts up the baby leaves of a hugely-rooted monstrosity of a desire for marriage. Down there inside are all the rhizomes, taproots, and tuberous roots of a God-implanted desire that you have nurtured and watered--sometimes obsessively, sometimes unavoidably--for many a year. Every time the desire sprouts--which, admittedly, is quite often--you let it leaf-up for a bit and then hack it back. Because even though it's fine and dandy for it to have roots, ain't nobody want to deal with that thing--that clamoring umph for companionship and emotional and physical interaction--always in your face.

As your longing for this real-life person is shooting up like a dandelion in spring, so is this other plant simultaneously. Soon you find yourself saying things like, "I just want to marry SOMEONE," "Why can't I just have a chance with him? Just a chance!" "I don't care who it is, just give me someone, Lord."

You start imagining a life together--a potential-life. A vague personality that you interact with. A vague voice at your side. Your own words siphoned into male aspect, affirming you, saying how much he loves you.

Do not tell me I'm the only one.

And poof! It's no longer about him. It is no longer about the real human being that you were attracted to, well, it seems eons ago.

It isn't.

It's now about my desire for marriage taking over, blocking my vision with an intangible vision for the future.

At this point, he's transformed into a character in a play about my potential-life. I've filled in all the gaps of what I don't know, and he is now ready to star in a 2D production, with me as heroine.

It really isn't even about him anymore. Any ol' guy I somewhat like could be slotted to play the starring male role. I could repeat the production, have repeated the production, many a time over without the real life person being any worse for wear for all the emotional, invisible screen time he gets.

No. It has to stop.

Am I liking this person because I am genuinely attracted to him and see quality attributes? Or, as I get to know him better, am I still holding on to dwindling hope because this other desire has blocked my vision? Or, another possibility, as I spend more time away from him, am I forgetting why I even liked him when I was around him, but am building up a huge hope around him because he happens to be (the only one) available to star in my dreams?

Not to be brutal to the poor plants in this story, but cut them apart. Cut down that marriage desire so that you can see the actual person in your life. Deal with the marriage desire separately, before God. That is a spiritual issue of dealing with your life circumstances. It is a separate issue from that on hand. Ok, now turn back to this guy. You are now free to deal with him as he is, and not what you hope he could be.

It's hard enough to develop relationships what-with the Internet and distance taking away the 5-senses reality of a person. Let's not make it harder.

I saw a wild rabbit while driving the other day. #citygirl