280: the green-eyed monster and my place in this world

Have I mentioned I struggle with comparison? The green-eyed monster has skulked in my shadow since I was little, ready to rear its head at the slightest provocation.

“You should rule over it” (Genesis 4:7).

So, when my admin raved, absolutely raved, about a new hire, those green hackles rose immediately. I grabbed that monster by the throat and continued intentionally smiling, refusing to be dragged down by its jealousy. But the claws had already tightened around my shoulders, and my emotions had already decided I did not like this new coworker. I did not like her, Sam-I-Am.

Influxes of information have only confirmed my initial response. In every area where I have suffered from insecurity or been insufficient, she is a master: perky, motivated go-getter, multiple college degrees, can pull off cute dresses, loves spending time in the Word, knows everything about cooking from scratch, is passionate about healthy eating, and has the love of middle schoolers before she's even taught them one class.

Get behind me, thou green-eyed monster! Because, this data is making that part of my flesh salivate as though I’ve already been infected with comparison, and heaven help me, I will not be dragged down by its power!

In comparison, I, at least, well, um, I know how to surf Facebook? #fail

There are some people in this world who, if we compare ourselves to them, we’ll always come away with a deficit. I could list all my good qualities. I could list her bad ones. The scales are never going to come out even.

But–

Back in the day, CCM artist Michael W. Smith had a famous hit called “Place in This World.” The chorus went, “Looking for a reason / Roaming through the night to find / My place in this world / My place in this world.”

That’s the truth, isn’t it? You and I, we both have our own places in this world. Our own God-ordained purposes.

The ladybug that only lives for a few months. She has her place and her purpose in this world.

The sunset that spreads across the sky for only a few minutes. It has its place and moment of glory within a singular day.

And you, whether you are physically/emotionally dragging right now as you read this or are astonishingly put together, you have your place and your purpose in God’s world.

Sometimes, only God knows what place that is. You can roam through the night to find it, you can sprint forward with all your might as the green-eyed monster of jealousy and comparison pounds the pavement behind you, but you truly do have a God-seen place in this world. Keep moving. Keep believing in God’s hand on your life. Don’t look back. Don’t let comparison catch you.

~*~

An almond blossom fulfilling
its place in this world

P.S. I've made my peace with my green-eyed monster by realizing something. It's way too much a coincidence that a paragon of the virtues specifically targeting my insecurities is now my coworker. I think God is allowing this situation to test my journey out of insecurity and com
parison, because it's just too ridiculous otherwise! Recognizing that actually makes me feel more secure, and I don't have to get riled when I am tempted to feel like I'm in competition. That's good, because jealousy never produces good fruit.

279: a tale of Cain, crushes, and comparison

I was at a weekly Bible study, contemplating A) a guy I liked, B) the girl I thought was perfect for him, and C) my own imperfections in comparison with her. Specifically, how haggard and lackluster my face appeared in comparison with hers and the question of how could I recommend myself to him when, given the chance to meet her, he would probably, most definitely, maybe, hopefully not, prefer her to me.

So there I was at Bible study, trying to speak truth to myself and NOT play the comparison game as we continued our study of Genesis 4.

"And in the process of time it came to pass that Cain brought an offering....And the LORD respected Abel and his offering, but He did not respect Cain and his offering" (Gen. 4:3-5, NKJV).

Man, I feel for Cain. Putting aside what we know about him and the label he would wear for the rest of history, the very real choices he voluntarily made--in this moment in verses 3-5, he is not yet a murderer.

He is a boy who (conjecturing here) feels like God has rejected him. He feels the weight of the burden that he did something wrong while his brother didn't. His brother gets a pass, but he has to work to be better. What he did, or what he had, was not enough in comparison with others.

The Lord comes to Cain, and He doesn't rebuke Cain's offering. As far as we know, God does not tell Cain why his offering was refused. But God does ask Cain about his emotions. "Why are you angry?" The Lord goes straight to Cain's response to his Creator's negative feedback. "And why has your countenance fallen?" (Gen. 4:6) When God does not accept what you've done, Cain, how do you respond?

"If you do well, will you not be accepted?" (Gen. 4:7a)

This isn't a permanent rejection from God. This is a chastisement at best. It is a redirect. Yes, yes, you actually did mess up. But--listen--you always have the hope that intermingles with repentance. God is the Father of the prodigal son, He is the Savior of fallen mankind, He is the provider of sacrifices--of the Sacrifice--because He wants our sin to be washed from us. One rejected offering is not the end.

But Cain isn't listening. He is all wrapped up in insecurity and jealousy and the need to be right and the compulsion to be on top of others.

So with kindness, God warns him of danger. "And if you do not do well, sin lies at the door. And its desire is for you, but you should rule over it" (Gen. 4:7b).

Cain's feelings--whatever cocktail of falsehoods and fleshly responses they were--were mixing up to be the gateway to tangible, life-marking sin. But there was a doorway between Cain's feelings and giving this moment over to those feelings.

Choosing rightness over conflicted feelings is always an option. But Cain chose the latter. He let hurt and embarrassment take over until they slow dripped into something false and carnal. He allowed feelings to form the premise he believed, and it led straight to taking his brother's life.

Cain became a man synonymous with evil. 1 John 3:12 says, "Cain...was of the wicked one and murdered his brother. And why did he murder him? Because his works were evil and his brother's righteous."

Humility would have saved Cain this deserved infamy. Cain would have been saved if only a compulsion to please God had overridden his urge to defend himself.

Ouch. How strong sometimes is our desire to defend ourselves? To make ourselves appear better than whoever if only in our own eyes? Embarrassment or hurt grab hold and take us for a spin.

In Cain, that exacerbated me vs. them mentality became his very real slippery slope, landing him in a sin from which no repentance could remove the consequences.

The Lord knows us, loves us, knows exactly where we need to change and what we need to accept. As we live out our lives as women with various insecurities and disappointments, let's always circle back around to submitting our natural tendencies to the One who calls us to a higher standard than petty comparison. That is where we'll find safety.

278: Unstoppable Growth

In my backyard is a hedge. I have no idea what it is called. I have no idea how long it has lived there. When I moved in, it was a full bush, but contained. In the last
month or so it has become a determined monster, stretching tendrils out into the air, not even caring when it can't find anything to latch on to, but claiming the nearby tree it did find with a vengeance. On Saturday, I cut back some of the reaching hands. There were tendrils that had intertwined with other tendrils, strengthening into cords. I really emotionally hesitated trimming the plant back. Such dogged persistence should be awarded, not hacked away with scissors. I made sure the cuttings got inside the yard & garden bin and weren't able to latch on to the nearby oleander. I had no doubt that, even trapped inside a plastic bin, one of those vines could latch on to a host tree and begin growing its dominion again.

Meanwhile, my pansies are more temperamental. On the porch? Shriveled. Under the backyard tree? Gasped for life. On the chairs next to the house? Nearly died. Under the front yard tree? Happy! But even then, as the summer heart intensifies, I'm fairly certain they will wither again, permanently this time.

Our spiritual lives--our affections--our response to God's pursuit--are we more like the determined green tendrils, always pushing forward, or are we more like the pansy, needing the conditions to be just right to meet with the Lord, always on the edge of wilting? Different seasons, different levels of strength, right? Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it; prone to leave the God I love.

There is grace to take whatever level of strength we have right now and, not compare ourselves to a different plant, but take what we do have and push a bit deeper. And then a bit deeper still. To make another hard but necessary choice. To stay a little bit longer in silence, in the Word, in prayer. Until one day we can look back, see our growth, and praise God for His preservation when we were weak.

277: comparison

I struggle with comparison. Like, it's one of my default weaknesses.

The thing is, we are all so different.

I am a single woman in her late 30s, who rents a room cheap from an old family friend, eats dinner almost every night at my parents' home, and spends time on Facebook in a singles' community and watches low-budget Christmas romance movies for fun.

I have a friend who lives in a rural area, rearing three boys with her husband, milking cows, feeding sheep, tending a garden, making homemade yogurt and soup and bread. She plays board games with her husband and reads thick history books for fun.

The comparison is stark. And it is so so so tempting to devalue myself and my life in the process.

Her life is real. Mine is fake. Her life is meaningful. Mine is "city girl" shallow.

My life is what it is because I have chosen to stay in the same town where I grew up, to pursue life here. I have chosen friends who are such quality, God-loving people, but who share similar interests as me. I would like to think my life is what it is because God has sovereignly directed me so far. I know that's been true as far as my job. I could still make different choices and change my life from what it is. And maybe He is calling me to some changes--our lives are not meant to be static, without any sanctifying growth. But I don't think I have heard Him call me to a dramatically different life than what I currently live. (Though maybe with less movies?) And the thing is, I would still take myself along to any circumstance I lived in.

Which leaves me with a choice. Do I accept my life as good in its place in His grand scheme of things?

That is so very difficult for me. To value my contribution. To be okay with the differences between me and a married friend. To not feel judged...by myself. 

And to grapple with whether I do need to make any changes. Whether I even want to. Whether I should want to.

What about you? Do you compare yourself negatively to others, are you confident in your differences, or do others inspire you to improve?

276: quick update from the middle

I'm attempting to write this book on singleness, right? But as I come up on a year of working on it, I realize anew how this year for me in my personal life has been a year of abject sifting. Sifting of my need to know why things happen, my mental grappling trying to understand what does not make sense to me, what I think should not be, a fresh upheaval of my insecurities as I try to dive deep, my faith, just everything. I think, objectively, it has been *one of* the hardest years of my adult life, and it hasn't blown over yet. Just a constant struggle for the last 11 months.

I would think one would want to write from a place of victory. You want to communicate light and goodness and an honest path to victory. But instead, I feel like I'm trudging through that Pilgrim's Progress Slough of Despond, and let me tell you, juggling all the parts of a full length book and not knowing what on earth you've written, and wondering if the tone is appropriate (not even if it makes sense!), and wanting to point people honestly (versus through platitudes) to God while still being sympathetic to the struggle, and really, just juggling all the different parts--it's yet another sifting of my lifelong natural bent toward insecurity.

But. I'm still here. He has caused me to still be here. Still enduring. Continually bobbing me up to the surface when I drown and drown again. Knowing exactly how much I can take and then giving me a break, a blessing, a breath of air. Giving me a reset. Speaking to me explicit reminders of His guidance and provision when I began panicking. No, I'm not talking about the book. I'm talking about life. And the One who is good.

So, no conclusion here. It's really hard to see clearly when you are in the middle of it, but I will, you will, hold on to Him as He holds on to you.

275: at this moment in the singleness journey

Where are you on your singleness journey? I'm curious. It seems everyone has different seasons within the season of singleness.

Currently, I am in an odd-to-me season.

9 months ago I was wearing a beautiful ring on my finger. After months of hoping that I might finally be able to do life with a real guy, maybe this was actually happening. But the hopes were cut short, and I adapted back to familiar singleness. But, with some twists.

For one thing, I didn't feel particularly needy. Maybe that started earlier in my 30s, but something about just coming out of an intense relationship left me feeling a bit less empty, oddly enough. Like, I don't need to jump into something else right now while my heart is healing.

I've also realized how not-lonely I am. I have my friends, my work, and my online community of fellow-singles. I can barely remember life before I had this network zigzagging across the United States. I really don't know if it's because I'm in my mid-30s and am thoroughly entrenched in single life or if it's because I rarely feel "alone," but I generally do not struggle with loneliness or lack of companionship.

Which makes it weird because I am writing a book about wrestling with prolonged singleness. One of the huge pieces of singleness is that desire for a companion, and I just haven't been feeling it enough to be able to write about it as accurately as I like. Thus, why I want to know how everyone else's season is going. Is it just me? Or is this common to one's late 30s?

Something else about beginning this writing project shortly after my breakup is that I had to start dredging up all the feelings I've ever wrestled with regarding singleness, even though I wasn't necessarily feeling them right then. I have done so much of the deep wrestling via this blog. Since I've wrestled it out, the feeling of lack is more often in short bursts than long periods of angst. I've been trying to relive some of the angst in longer-fashion so I can, again, be accurate about the source of those short bursts. It's a bit odd to try to stir up and hold onto genuine painful feelings on purpose. Writing life?

One thing that has been surprising is how I still experience late-night, painful mental overdrive thinking about the ended relationship. That has nothing to do with writing. That's just my current life.

While I may not have this constant ache to not be single--because I honestly don't--I do still really miss having someone to set all my hopes onto and feel that perhaps it will be reality that I will spend my life with this real guy and we'll have a real, ordinary home and life together.

So, again--where are you in your singleness journey?

274: hurry up vs. wisdom

One of my 4th graders this week said that he wished engagement wasn't a thing, that you just were married. I hear ya, boy. 

But life is more nuanced than that, isn't it?

Arranged marriage is great if you are willing to play Russian roulette on the rest of your life.

Skipping the dating process and marrying someone who seems great on first glance without taking the time to get to know them seems easier if you're willing to risk all because you're impatient and scared of what you might learn.

Bypassing engagement sounds carefree if you don't realize that sometimes the period between wanting all your dreams to come true and when all your dreams will come true--that middle "promise" period--can shake the tree hard, sifting whether there is fruit among the hopeful leaves.

So yes, 9 year old boy, sometimes it would be nice if engagement wasn't a thing. But any time you have a waiting period in life--singleness, dating, engagement--you are blessed with the opportunity to double-check what it is you're waiting for, and if the destination will be as glorious as you've dreamed up in your head. Time draws thoughts out of you that a rushed series of events cannot. Get wisdom, get understanding is the Scriptural command, not hurry up and get this show on the road, no matter how much we think that hurrying would give us all we want more than the counsel of wisdom would.