88: and if thou bidst me decide for myself in any affair...

I'm still working on writing my "book." I'm not at all sure it is meant to ever be published or if it's just for my own verbal processing. Recently I divided it up into 4 Word documents. I love having small chunks so that as I come up with ideas for one section I can open that document instead of scrolling through thousands of words to find the right area to insert my new scene. This last scene, just scribbled down, was inserted in Part 4. The names have been changed/deleted so that if it ever does get published, I won't have given away key character details! :-P Although the situation is fictional, the prayer included is one of my favorites and has played a role in my life when thinking about relationships.

He had asked me out to coffee. This sounded so familiar. First at the wedding. Then when Tom wanted to court me. Now again with him.

My guard was up.

Sure, I had liked him for awhile. I had been aching for this to happen.

But it was a little too good to be true.

A thousand questions flickered in my mind. We wouldn’t like each other once we spent time together. I wouldn’t fall in love with him. God wouldn’t give me a green light. I wouldn’t be able to get used to spending time with a real life burping, farting guy. I’d fall too fast, too hard, and I would come off possessive and drive him away.

Oh yes, my imagination was sinking the ship before the ship even left the dock.

I shut my bedroom door and crawled into my oversized rocking chair and began rocking.

“Lord God, this is what I’ve wanted, but I don’t know if it’s going to work. I want to let myself relax and let things happen naturally. But I’m afraid. Of lots of things.” I mentally went down my list of fears. “Lord, what if all this is of me and not of You?”

A memory--"God the All” in the Puritan prayer book Valley of Vision. It had devastated me when I was with Tom—God’s will had been contrary to my own. And now?

I had fresh faith in God. Battered faith. But one that I couldn’t afford to let go of now that I had experienced the bitterness and lostness that occurs when a person walks away.

“O God Whose will conquers all,” I prayed again to the One who had brought me through Tom and I’s breakup and the breakup of //those other people whom I won't mention here//.

There is no comfort in anything apart from enjoying thee

And being engaged in thy service;

Thou art All in all, and all enjoyments are what to me thou makes them, and no more.

I am well pleased with thy will, whatever it is,

Or should be in all respects,

And if thou bidst me decide for myself in any affair,
I would choose to refer all to thee,

For thou art infinitely wise and cannot do amiss,

As I am in danger of doing.

I rejoice to think that all things are at thy disposal,

And it delights me to leave them there.

This was my God, and a peace settled over me. This was truth. And I recommitted my love life or lack thereof into God’s hands.

He could work wonders, either now, or in His own sovereign timing.

I choose to trust Him.