125: comparison

When my life-long friend got engaged, God gave me the grace to be happy for her. For the most part, I didn't struggle with pity parties of "but what about me?" Actually, I was more jealous that I was losing her to a husband than I was jealous that she got a husband!

When she got pregnant, that's when I began to struggle. It's the comparison problem. It isn't about her and her life. It's about me and what I have or have not.

Emotion clutches my heart. It points at me and then points to my friend. Then points to my friend and points back at me. It grabs my face and pulls me to look at her through the eyes of my own desires and lusts. It paints her happiness with the ugly and painful hues of comparison.

The emotion comes. It snatches my heart and twists, wanting me to either cry or harden my heart. I take the thought captive to the obedience of Christ. I am freed.

Someone posted a photo on Facebook of my friend's baby boy, held in the arms of his recently married 18 year old aunt. The caption read something like, "She wants her own baby now."

My immediate reaction was not, "Oh, that's so cute and sweet." No. It was "Oh, come on. Wait for a bit. You got married at 18. Let the rest of us in our 20s and 30s catch up to you before you go on and have children too!"

It's comparing, isn't it? It's coveting, isn't it? It's wicked, isn't it? And ugly and consuming and unprofitable and not based on truth.

What do I believe about marriage? I believe it's ordained of God and is good. What do I believe about children? I believe they are a gift from God and that part of the purpose of a godly marriage is to produce godly offspring.

But when my emotions grab me, what I believe and what I think separate.

No. Orthopraxy. Live what I believe.

Fortunately, I don't serve a God whose motto is "become your best self." I serve a God who acknowledges that I am a covetous, envious sinner who has been redeemed with the precious blood of the Lamb, and that it is NOT my power that overcomes my tears as I bang my fists into my pillow late at night crying "why not me?" but it is the power of the Holy Spirit, God of the Universe, the one who spoke light into existence, who can comfort my heart, turn my eyes off of myself, and teach me to walk in His ways.

The amazing thing about dealing with singleness is that it really applies to all areas of life where God is sovereign and I am not.