236: guy versus starring image

You meet someone. You are immediately attracted for some unknown reason. You get to know him a little and the attraction remains. Then you don't see him for awhile. The first week is hard, maybe the first two weeks. Or more, depending on how much stalking you can do, or if he'll message you back. You see him again. Build the friendship more. Then another spate of time. Another meeting. Another length of distance and time. This is just getting ridiculous now. Here's someone with whom you could maybe, really, make a good match, ie. you could marry this person, possibly, potentially, if you could spend more time with him. Ach, you miss him! Grr, this is so frustrating. Oh, he's so wonderful in this area and that area. Remember when he looked at you that way? When you had that unspoken communication, like souls meeting? Or when he laughed at your joke and made eye contact that said, I see you, I notice you?

The interest in this person shoots up astronomically. Alongside it spurts up the baby leaves of a hugely-rooted monstrosity of a desire for marriage. Down there inside are all the rhizomes, taproots, and tuberous roots of a God-implanted desire that you have nurtured and watered--sometimes obsessively, sometimes unavoidably--for many a year. Every time the desire sprouts--which, admittedly, is quite often--you let it leaf-up for a bit and then hack it back. Because even though it's fine and dandy for it to have roots, ain't nobody want to deal with that thing--that clamoring umph for companionship and emotional and physical interaction--always in your face.

As your longing for this real-life person is shooting up like a dandelion in spring, so is this other plant simultaneously. Soon you find yourself saying things like, "I just want to marry SOMEONE," "Why can't I just have a chance with him? Just a chance!" "I don't care who it is, just give me someone, Lord."

You start imagining a life together--a potential-life. A vague personality that you interact with. A vague voice at your side. Your own words siphoned into male aspect, affirming you, saying how much he loves you.

Do not tell me I'm the only one.

And poof! It's no longer about him. It is no longer about the real human being that you were attracted to, well, it seems eons ago.

It isn't.

It's now about my desire for marriage taking over, blocking my vision with an intangible vision for the future.

At this point, he's transformed into a character in a play about my potential-life. I've filled in all the gaps of what I don't know, and he is now ready to star in a 2D production, with me as heroine.

It really isn't even about him anymore. Any ol' guy I somewhat like could be slotted to play the starring male role. I could repeat the production, have repeated the production, many a time over without the real life person being any worse for wear for all the emotional, invisible screen time he gets.

No. It has to stop.

Am I liking this person because I am genuinely attracted to him and see quality attributes? Or, as I get to know him better, am I still holding on to dwindling hope because this other desire has blocked my vision? Or, another possibility, as I spend more time away from him, am I forgetting why I even liked him when I was around him, but am building up a huge hope around him because he happens to be (the only one) available to star in my dreams?

Not to be brutal to the poor plants in this story, but cut them apart. Cut down that marriage desire so that you can see the actual person in your life. Deal with the marriage desire separately, before God. That is a spiritual issue of dealing with your life circumstances. It is a separate issue from that on hand. Ok, now turn back to this guy. You are now free to deal with him as he is, and not what you hope he could be.

It's hard enough to develop relationships what-with the Internet and distance taking away the 5-senses reality of a person. Let's not make it harder.

I saw a wild rabbit while driving the other day. #citygirl

Book Review: Better Together by Rusty George

I've been horrible at posting, I know. And I'm hoping during the summer, I write a bit more. Because I don't want this site to be alllllll book reviews. And I honestly do sometimes have things to say. I just then don't have the umph to pull out my computer and external keyboard. But rumor is that I'm getting a new computer, smaller, with a keyboard that works. And it IS summer. So I should write more. *should*

Meanwhile...another book review!

This poor gem has been waiting patiently for me to finish for a couple months now. I could have written the review before now, but I wanted to wait til I actually finished it. Which was this weekend. So now I can say what I have been waiting to say.

THIS BOOK IS SO GOOOOOOOD!

I have lost faith in today's nonfiction books, but this book, au contraire, was no disappointment. I mean, it could have easily been a trendy, little basis-in-Scripture book, especially with the fun spotlight on the cover:

"SUPRISING TRUTH FOR: Introverts, Extroverts, Control Freaks, Free Spirits, People Persons, Curmudgeons, and, Especially, YOU"

Gotta admit though, that is one of the things that drew me to this book.

Ok, backing up. Why did I choose this book to review?

I have been stirred the last, mm, year, about the need for godly community, spiritual fellowship, mutual edification. Or as a friend and I do when we text each other Scripture verses, #mutualedification. (SO trendy sounding ;))

I have been blistered by the thought from Proverbs 5:14, "I was on the verge of total ruin, In the midst of the assembly and congregation." In other words, I can be attending church faithfully and still find myself slipping away spiritually.

I know that community is important. But any of us can spout how we need it til the cows come home. Doesn't mean we have found it.

So, this book. Back to the topic at hand. I didn't know what to expect. Would it be primarily watered-down, Scripture-quoted-out-of-context content? But this book was neither exegetically unsound (imo; not that I necessarily agree with every iota) or made up of run-of-the-mill opinions that do nothing. The author actually had some really good, solid, edifying insight, with lots of personal stories, and I highly recommend the book! 5 out of 5 stars.

The most impactful chapter to me was "Everyone else is an idiot." Basically, Jesus' disciples were not on-par with him. They were not His equals. In fact, they were sub-par in comparison. But, author Rusty George writes, "Jesus stayed in community with them. . . . He continued to trust, lead, and teach them. He gave them opportunities to represent Him. It was as if He enjoyed being with them. How could they have possibly been any benefit to Him? How could they have given Him anything other than heartburn or a few laughs?" The author adds that "it's hard to have people walk with me who cause more trouble than they're worth."

It struck me hard that Jesus did not need his disciples to be his spiritual or mental equals to desire to be in community with them. He could have easily gone with the idea that "I can do this better alone." He is God. He created the world without any help. But He didn't choose to do His three years of ministry on earth alone. Even when He was at His emotional lowest before the cross, He actually wanted three of these people around Him. He wanted that community, even though they fell asleep on Him.

If Jesus didn't need people who were his mental and spiritual equals, then that qualification must not be important. If Jesus wanted community, then it must really be important.

So, 5 out of 5 stars. Available at an Amazon near you.

P.S. Lest there be any confusion, no, this isn't a marriage book :)

Book Review: Mary Poppins

I found this old book review I wrote, and since I've been thinking of the book lately, I thought I'd share it here!

August 21, 2012

Greetings! A school librarian gave me four Mary Poppins books for my class (when I was teaching). Before I put them in my personal class library, I thought I should preview them first. I read through the first quickly and am in the middle of the second right now.

Parents have differing opinions on the Disney version of Mary Poppins. The movie has two splendid actors - Dick Van Dyke and Julie Andrews - and has some fabulous songs, like the very famous Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious! But in the movie, Mary Poppins seems eerily magical, and many have thought she is a witch. And then there is the Disney injection of early 20th century feminism. So what about the books?

In the books, Mary does all the crazy weird things she does in the movie, if not more. But I am not convinced, yet, that one must attribute these to witchcraft or underworld power. It is often hinted by others that Mary is unusual and unlike other people. But every time the children have an extraordinary adventure with her, she emphatically denies that anything happened. As of right now, I tend to think a family could read the Mary Poppins series and just call it a fun, wildly imaginative story.

Who is Mary Poppins? She is a nanny who is noted for being obsessed over her appearance, curt, and often angry. She is haughty and treats the children rudely. She gets angry when they talk about their adventures with her until they are forced to wonder if anything really happened. And yet, they still love her.

So Mary Poppins is not a role model (she's no Julie Andrews!). But who says that she should be? Michael and Jane don't aspire to be like her one day. They simply love her, faults and all. Her faults are in no way glorified. Just because she has "super powers" (if you could say that) doesn't mean she can't be very human.

There's no suffragette theme in the books, though some of the adventures are a bit animal activist. In book one, they go to a zoo at night where the animals have locked up people and are treating them like humans treat zoo animals. In book two, Mary Poppins helps a lark lock up its former owner in a bird cage so it can terrorize her.

My conclusion? I'm not sure. I would say give them a try and see what you think. I've been enjoying them, but I'm not part of the Mary Poppins Fan Club now. :)

235: fellowship

All I can I think is I've got to get some fellowship. True, into each other's lives, spurring onto Christ-likeness support.

As a teacher I am surrounded by coworker friends, and yet somehow I feel like a loner in managing my class. I crave having another person in my room. I don't want to keep doing this alone. (Kids don't make for a great emotional support system.)

I left Jazzercise last night with no one to say goodbye to as everyone mingled with their friends. Apparently not-attaching is a theme for me.

But I do attach. At Bible college this last year I've sat next to the same lady every week intentionally because everyone else already knew each other and she was someone I could be buddies with.

I want a spouse. I have always craved someone to do this thing called life with. So I don't have to bear it all alone.

Proverbs 5:14 (NKJV) "I was on the verge of total ruin, In the midst of the assembly and congregation." Sometimes I think of this verse and muse in fearful awe at how we can be in the midst of people and completely slide through the cracks.

Fellowship, y'all. I am chasing it.

"As [Jesus] walked this earth He experienced all the emotions we do, and in His darkest hours, He craved community." -Rusty George, Better Together

234: social media as an anesthetic for singleness

my dog on my leg while I was sick last week

What I'm about to theorize and muse about does not apply to some of the most single of us so there downs half of my argument. But, it might apply to me, and it's an interesting idea, so I'm going to go ahead and click-clack about it anyway.

I think that social media usage sometimes anesthetizes us from our singleness.

Actually, I KNOW it does. It, like any other social activity, takes away the loneliness. So that's not quite what I mean.

A quick Google search says "anesthetize" is to "deprive of feeling or awareness." I think social media can deprive us of the feeling or awareness of our lack of in-person attachments. It can make us not quite feel our singleness.

Okay, okay, I know the opposite is true as well. Who hasn't scrolled through social media and felt angst from viewing all those engagement and baby announcements?

This last 12 month period I have been part of this amazing Facebook group of Christian singles. It's like the City--it never sleeps. There is always something going on. Some conversation, deep or ridiculous. Some meme to like. Some gif to search for and add as a comment for others to like. Some person to roll your eyes at or interaction to laugh at.

It is a unique Internet community.

The other night I had to go outside without my phone. I looked up at the stars, the moon, the dark sky. And immediately felt lonely. Immediately started praying for a spouse and kids.

And I wonder...

If I lived without this instant access to people across the country at all hours of the day...

If I lived without this placebo numbing me to real life...

If so, and I know this is far-fetched, but...

Would I be less single today?

Probably not, but--

At what point does need drive us to action? To unprecedented action? Especially in a 21st century, first-world, middle-class life where "need" is almost nonexistent.

What would it take to cause us to do the unthinkable, whatever that may be? We'll never know. Because we never allow ourselves to get to that point. All these movies and fictional scenarios where people are faced with these either/or situations, where they have to be brave or face their fears or allow themselves to be stretched beyond their desires--I'm not saying we don't experience that now, but we don't willingly throw ourselves at those situations. We pad our discomfort with distraction, our need with placebos. Our wants--those things we can do something about with little cost--we'll gratify with fulfillment. But we prefer not to feel need. We must not feel need.

I don't know. Just some thoughts.

Anyway, it's an interesting question of how much social media affects my singleness.

Yet I am still grateful for it.

P.S. I use movies to anesthetize my singleness too, but I could only pick on one thing in this post :)

233: musings turned ramble turned somewheres else

Today I finally got away to a Christian bookstore-turned-coffee shop for a chance at a Spice Chai and some sitting. With the smart phone (aka Facebook, texting, Internet) tucked away in my purse, (and, by God's grace, staying there for the most part) I was able to, finally, devote some time to journaling and trying to pray.

And so I found myself journaling about, what else, singleness.

It's in those moments where I actually pause in life that I seem to wax on about this state.

Why?

I think part of it is because in my actual life--in my life as a teacher--every day I fail. Every day, or most every day, I could come home, consider my day, and despair about a myriad of ways I have failed both in Christian character and academically, though mostly in my behavior.

So when I come home in the evening, if I have been able to put aside the cares of the day, if I have dealt with the lingering issues that must be mentally dealt with before having peace, then I have very little desire to stir them all up again by even thinking about them in prayer.

Ok, so this blog post is becoming a processing sounding board. A public journal. Soooooorrrry.

When the moment comes to settle into a dark leather chair with a hot drink in hand on a Saturday morning, when the scene is idyllic, Instagram-worthy, and not at all my usual (I'm not a hot drink person), when I am coming to God Almighty when focused prayer time has become a confusing maze of where do I start and how does one do this, I always, naturally, come back to singleness.

Eh, and maybe it is because another friend got engaged and just posted it on Facebook.

Maybe it is because I have always equated the desire for marriage with hope. And when I come to God in a quiet moment, I come to the One in whom I hope.

Maybe--allow me to get ridiculously metaphysically philosophical, cuz this is the first time I've considered this--maybe, very seldom, I am not praying about marriage at all, but rather a desire for the day when He will make all things beautiful.

There's a book I read eons ago by Ted Dekker (but this wasn't a novel) called The Slumber of Christianity: Awakening a Passion for Heaven on Earth. Although I don't remember much about it now, I believe that is where I first awakened to this idea of HOPE. That we are created to hope. That hope is so, so powerful.

Of course, the hope that our souls crave is really Heaven.

There is so much about our perception that needs to be corrected. I mean, I was journaling today about wives being submissive and quiet and was thinking about how meekness is strength under control and how women have all this social-emotional strength and, unwittingly, I kinda realized that when we say everything we are thinking--measure, condemn, and demolish a man with our words--that that is not using our strength, that is like a city with no walls where what was meant for good has run amuck!

Perspective. Perception. A tweak here, a tweak there.

Goodness, this is not the blog post I was planning to write. Oh well, I didn't plan what I was going to write anyway.

We have to keep growing. Learning to see things more accurately.

Back to the topic of several paragraphs ago, I do desire marriage, and not for some idealistic, metaphysical, replacement hope for heaven. I have very real reasons to want marriage, and I also have sinful reasons to want marriage, like covetously wanting to join the "I have someone too" club.

But, as C.S. Lewis said, if we find a desire within us that cannot be met here on earth--a fairy tale hope, a dream of a Savior on a white horse, the call to a reality other than this one--maybe it is because we ARE made for somewhere else. Whether single, married, happy, frustrated, we are all mortals seeking a heavenly city which hath foundations, whose builder and maker is God. We have a homeland (Hebrews 11:14).

If you are going to freeze-frame an Instagram-worthy moment of time, believe even more in the beauty of eternity, because actual life in the presence of the I AM is going to be more real, more unimaginable, more beyond-comprehension fulfilling than an unfiltered pic of a coffee cup and a leather seat on a Saturday morning.

232: this vday

What am I thinking about this Valentines Day?

The Teachers Pay Teachers sale that ends tomorrow, the novel about Luther and Katharina that I'm reading for fun, the busy day behind me.

Ok, what am I thinking about *singleness* this Vday?

I've tried not to think about it much, actually.

But in general (and today too...while washing my hands...while sitting at a stop light...) I've been thinking about this whole idea of "settling." Sometimes I just really want to get married, and I wonder how much I'd be willing to compromise for that end result of having someone to build a life into old age with.

Ok, between my family and my emotions, the likelihood of me actually compromising on much is fairly low. I mean, I think I'd have to be thrown into a marriage with no turn around to actually not critique a prospect within an inch of his humanhood. (we're workin' on this)

But I am intrigued by this idea of marriage being something far less than I have trained my heart to believe. What if...what if marriage is simply two friends who are willing to do whatever it takes to make it to happily ever after to the glory of God? What if it's just two people who really believe they are designed for marriage and are willing to work out the kinks by leaning on each other, good counsel, and the power of the Spirit?

What if it's ok if he sometimes annoys me?

What if it's ok if he's older than my "ideal"?

What if it's ok if we aren't soulmates on every preference?

And what if my "ideal"--the "dream," whichever shade it may be taking at 32 yrs old--is not as important as having a reality? Not ANY reality, and not a close facsimile, but a reality that can become something I will forever be surmising about if I'm not willing to finger it by sheer faith.

No, no Boaz's are lying at my feet begging me to stop being annoyingly picky. I mean, maybe if I got a straight up marriage proposal I might just--

Nope, still too clear headed for that. Too rational. Too governed by freak-out emotions.

Too bad.

Does all of this sound awfully silly?

Tis ok. It's Valentines Day! And honestly, for the most part, I don't know what I'm talking about.

Chau.