285: footnote to "the fullest God wants for you"

I watch a reel of Full House--Jesse finding out that his wife Becky is pregnant--and oh goodness, I want to be them.

I remember that phrase: the fullest that God has for me. For me personally.

What if it's not.........

Hands raised. Soaking in the reality that a marriage relationship is something I may never have.

Like your life flashing before your eyes, because that is not who I ever wanted to be. I don't want it to stay this way for the rest of my life even if it is a good life.

The fullest God has for us--we literally have no idea if our whole future will change tomorrow or if it will stay the same. But, in His hands, it will be amazing.

That's living by faith.

284: the fullest God wants for you

On Monday at Bible study we read the classic Ephesians 2:10: For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them.

I wondered what others thought: the good works God prepared for us, are those general or specific to individuals? I tend to think general, one or two people said specific. Either way, the verse started the topic rolling in my head. A catalyst for what was to come.

Later that week I was listening to the YWAM International Adventures book Bring Your Eyes and See by Steve and Marie Goode. In the book, they remembered a time when Marie felt God tell her that she could have your husband healed, get pregnant, and have a baby or they could have God’s maximum for their lives. It was their choice to make. They felt God give them that choice again later, to go back to Switzerland or to choose God’s maximum—their choice (from chapter 7: Right Appearing).

Around the same time, in the Kindle Unlimited book I was reading--Space, Time & the Shopkeeper--the main character encountered a similar choice. Excuse the sci-fi element, but the character had the choice whether to continue to be transported in her dreams to real places in real life where she could really help people, or to continue to live her normal life. She hears a Voice tell her, “I won’t force you to do anything you don’t want to do. I just want you to be the fullest I made you to be. I want you to be yourself. Not who you think you are or want to be, but who you truly are” (chapter 11, Decisions, Decisions).

Then this morning, I picked up the top book in a stack of singleness books I planned to widdle down, because goodness, I have so many books! Chapter 1, first page, quoted the back cover of Learning to Be a Woman by Kenneth G. Smith: “A woman becomes a woman when she becomes what God wants her to be.” Now, maybe this was intended to be a generic statement, but for me, it sounded like the third echo this week of the same message: God has a specific vision for what my life could be.

With God confirming the same type of message three times, I'm left with my hands open going, "Lord?"

What about you? Is God speaking something to you too these days?

Proverbs 3:6: “In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths.”

283: upwards this Easter

With two friends in the throes of new relationships and with Easter Sunday tomorrow–the day when families go to church together and ladies show off their new dresses while I’ll be going solo wearing something already in my closet, I’m going to need this reminder.

So much of our struggles center around earth and our lives here. And to an extent, that is good and natural. But we are called to something higher. We are called citizens of heaven, a kingdom not of this earth. So, while we live in the nature God created and feel the ebb and flow of emotions and desires innate to our physical, God-handmade bodies, we also need to circle back around and upwards to what is eternal.

The other day at a Passover seder, the worship leader closed us out with “Hymn of Heaven.” 

“There will be a day when all will bow before Him.”

That, sisters, is the grand finale of our time here on earth. The anticipated culmination our lives are heading for. (I feel like there’s a Latin word here I’m forgetting. Any ideas?)

“In the end, we'll see that it was worth it

When He returns to wipe away our tears”

Every year the locusts have eaten will turn into praise as we see, finally see, the One we’ve claimed faith in all these years.

“On that day…[we’ll] stand beside the heroes of the faith.”

We can’t forget that we belong to a whole host of faithful throughout generations, spread across continents and time eras, and representing every personality and idiosyncrasy possible. In Christ, we are members together, witnesses of the only true God, the One who loves us so much He was willing to sacrifice Himself to save our rebellious behinds.

Together we’ll sing, “Worthy is the Lamb who was slain.”

Because, single sisters, these momentary afflictions will be swallowed up in victory. Our eager waiting will find its blissful home in the presence of Jesus. All will be how it was supposed to be.

So, as we paddle through the waves of families this Easter Sunday, as we join family members and notice our own non-parenthood or non-spouseness, let’s circle back around and up to why we are here, what we are celebrating, the One who holds our eternal identity. May God give us grace to remember our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ.

And if just reading this makes you want to mope, Ize sowwy! I'm not trying to minimize singleness for you right now. Gurl, I've been surrounded with nonstop relationship talk all during my Easter break, and I literally have no prospects. Unless I want to spend $50 to get on Christian Mingle and read the message I was sent. Yeah no. Ok, maybe. I'm not currently severely struggling with singleness--thank God! But, the last thing I want to do is be a voice that says you need to suck it up and not feel anything tomorrow. At my church's Good Friday service yesterday, we heard a clip from a John Piper sermon about the suffering of God and all Jesus suffered for us. He suffered physical torture. I'm a soft American. I would rather go through some emotional anguish than physical pain. But so much of our brothers and sisters in Christ have suffered physically for Jesus. I guess it just brought some perspective. We need to figure out how to give ourselves grace when we are struggling with singleness and also not forget our heavenly citizenship at the same time.

282: online dating?

Every once in awhile, someone will ask me if I've done online dating. If you have ever read back into the early posts of this blog, you will know, yes, yes, I have. I don't do it now, though. Because how on earth can I decide whether to initiate a hi or respond to a smile to any of these guys based on a photo (that I may not even like) and sparse info?

But, you know, every once in awhile, I log back into my ChristianMingle account and browse for 20 minutes until I can't take it anymore and get off.

Tonight, however, when I logged in for my regular check-up, I found not only had the format of the site changed, but suddenly I had a whole list of matches, and several of them said they were "NEW." Whether they are new matches for me or new to the site, I don't know.

Dragon's Teeth rock formation in Maui

But I do know this:

There is nothing new about these matches. :-P

Oh, hello. I think I messaged you before. Or hearted you? You never replied.

Same with you. I know I favorited you.

Oh, and you. Yes, I actually went on a date with you (which I totally forgot until now). Well, it wasn't really a date, because I made it soooooo lowkey. But, you didn't want any more kids, and that was a dealbreaker for me. So, we faded out. Except, after talking with you, I began reconsidering if a guy not wanting any kids was truly a dealbreaker. It still is something I wonder about.

And you! Ah yes. We emailed quite extensively until you ghosted me. I was never ghosted before or after, but now that I know what ghosted means, your abrupt cessation of all communication definitely qualifies. It was a good, short-lived acquaintanceship though. I think well of Huntsville, Alabama, because of you.

Oh, howdy-doody, I met you in person at an event in Oregon a few years ago. You're cute, but as we didn't hit it off then, I have my doubts now. Or maybe I'm just too proud to offer myself up when you were interested in other girls on that trip.

And you, well, ha! Yes, I had a crush on you for a long time. But we've been around that mountain before, haven't we?

And there's the guy that's been on there for years. I can't remember why I've never made an effort for him (and I don't remember him ever messaging me), but if I opened his profile, I'd probably see why. (I looked. He goes to church "occasionally." Sigh. He is cute and local.)

All that to say, online dating is a tool that totally works for some people. The most I've ever gotten out of it is an innumerable host of friends I met because one guy asked me if I had heard of Homeschool Alumni and told me about a retreat they did up in Oregon. So, I may still be single, but I think I got my money's worth out of the deal in friendships, multiple travels, and a singles community. :)

In the words of my friend in response to today's matches, "Well, that's just so reassuring that, you know, our chances of meeting guys on ChristianMingle are still what they always were. Nothing. Nothing at all."

Lol, that's not a slam on ChristianMingle or other sites. Just how we feel when people ask if we've tried online dating.

P.S. There is one really cute "Bible teacher" guy on there that I've never seen before. But I can't message him until I pay $50 for a month's membership. #facepalm

281: doin' what does not come natur'lly

As some of you may know, I’m a middle school teacher at a small Christian school. One of the many subjects I teach this year is world history, which requires learning things that feel new to me despite my history degree. Recently, one of the topics I researched was the Safavid Empire, the Islamic precursor to modern-day Iran. What does this have to do with singleness? Come for the history lesson; stay for the application. ;) 

Shah Abbas is considered the second founder of the Safavid Empire. He kicked out the Ottoman and Uzbek forces from Persian land, ushered in the Golden Age of Persia, and ordered a magnificent blue ceramic mosque to be built. Yet, despite the kingdom flourishing, Abbas was paranoid about others seizing his power. Paranoia stemming from childhood trauma led to Abbas blinding his father, his brothers, and two of his sons. He even killed one of his sons and then later regretted it.

But in world history, royal paranoia and family killings are par for the course. Earlier in the same unit, I taught about Taizu, the founder of the Ming Dynasty in China, who had 70,000 of his government workers killed because of his paranoia–and that was after 30,000 were killed throughout a fourteen-year internal investigation.

Concurrent with these lessons about Chinese and Persian rulers, in Bible class we were reading about the life of King David. 1 Kings 15:5 says, “David did what was right in the eyes of the LORD, and had not turned aside from anything that He commanded him all the days of his life, except in the matter of Uriah the Hittite.” Except for that one instance with Bathsheba, David’s heart abided with the Lord. Although David was a king among the kingdoms of men, his heart did not camp out on the natural way of doing things.

Now, externally, David’s experiences should have prompted the same paranoia seen in his pagan counterparts. For example, before David was officially installed as king, his father-in-law, King Saul, saw that the spirit of God was upon David, heard the people praising his military exploits, and felt so threatened that he chased David around the countryside trying to kill him. Then later, once David became king, his own son Absalom staged a temporarily successful coup against his dad and had himself proclaimed king.

David had every reason to worry that someone was going to take his power.

But David entrusted himself and his kingdom to the Lord. His trust in God’s sovereignty wasn’t a cliche either. His troubles were real and large. “LORD, how they have increased who trouble me!...Many are they who say of me, ‘There is no help for him in God’” (Psalm 3:1-2). Imagine having those around you shake their head and say that God is not with you, that He does not have a good plan for you, that He is not there to help you. I can’t imagine.

Connecting History with Singleness

One day after work, I sat in my car struggling with my singleness and had a brief Psalm 73 moment. I thought how it was ignorant for me to think if I just spent a week or month in focused prayer that God would finally bring me a husband. Others have prayed and fasted, and God hasn’t given them husbands.

I was responding very naturally. I was seeing with the eyes of the kingdoms of men. But that’s not who I am called to be or how I am called to respond. David set an example of how to look at real problems and choose to trust God to do what God does.

“I will not be afraid of ten thousands of people Who have set themselves against me all around” (Psalm 3:6). Ten thousands of people! This isn’t a blind faith. It isn’t a crutch. Trusting God is an intentionally different-from-the-world way of approaching real problems. It is choosing to step into God’s kingdom and do things differently.

When David fled Jerusalem during Absalom’s coup, he sent the ark of the covenant back to the city saying, “‘If I find favor in the eyes of the LORD, He will bring me back and show me both it and His dwelling place. But if He says thus: “I have no delight in you,” here I am, let Him do to me as seems good to Him’” (2 Sam 15:25-26).

David didn’t presume that he was owed anything before the Kingship of God even though he was completely in the right and Absalom was completely in the wrong. He submitted his future to God’s justice and higher wisdom, however that may look. So, even when we as single women can rightfully claim that God Himself did institute marriage the sixth day of creation, David gives us this example of still letting God be God, whatever He wants to do.

As David and his men traveled down the road away from Jerusalem, Shimei trailed along on the hillside above, cursing and throwing stones and kicking up dust. One of David’s men was like, “Can I please go kill this guy?” But David said, “‘See how my son who came from my own body seeks my life. How much more now may this Benjamite? Let him alone, and let him curse; for so the LORD has ordered him. It may be that the LORD will look on my affliction, and that the LORD will repay me with good for his cursing this day’” (2 Samuel 16:11-12).

And how did it turn out? We know David did return to Jerusalem as the victorious king once again. But David was willing to let God decide how it would play out.

In my school’s chapel, a guest pastor preaching on the armor of God said that, when we are living righteously (per the breastplate of righteousness), there is a certain level of protection God gives us that we don’t have otherwise. That stuck out to me, because I don’t always recognize that. Sometimes it seems like I take on the norms of this world and the natural way of seeing things and almost purposely do not put on the eyes of faith. But if I’m going to choose to live in the kingdom of God–the kingdom I have been spiritually born into–then I cannot grab onto what I see with my natural eyes and wave that in front of God’s face and tell God that that’s all He’s doing. I have to see counter to nature.

This winter I was in San Francisco with a single friend I rarely see enjoying some amazing Salt & Straw ice cream (see pic of their salted, malted, chocolate chip cookie dough). I was telling her about a situation where two people were hesitant about pursuing a relationship in case it didn’t work out. Her response struck me between the eyes because it was so in line with the kingdom of God and my brain was so not there. With a good amount of passion, she replied, “Well, why don’t they fast and pray and see what God’s will is? Do they think God won’t show them what to do?”

Oh yeah….

The natural way of doing things doesn’t take into account that our God is in heaven and He does what He pleases, that He is allowed to do what He pleases, and that He has a history of intervening on behalf of His own.

I thought I surrendered my singleness to God when I was 20 years old, and then again years later. But now, at 39 years old, as I’m hitting my head against this unanswered prayer of wanting–needing–a husband, trusting God with the outcome like David did does not feel natural.

Because it isn’t.

Truly letting God do as seems good to Him is an intentional choice to step into the kingdom of God and do the opposite of what the kingdoms of men do.

May God give us the serenity to live more fully in His unique kingdom and not default to doing what comes naturally.

280: the green-eyed monster and my place in this world

Have I mentioned I struggle with comparison? The green-eyed monster has skulked in my shadow since I was little, ready to rear its head at the slightest provocation.

“You should rule over it” (Genesis 4:7).

So, when my admin raved, absolutely raved, about a new hire, those green hackles rose immediately. I grabbed that monster by the throat and continued intentionally smiling, refusing to be dragged down by its jealousy. But the claws had already tightened around my shoulders, and my emotions had already decided I did not like this new coworker. I did not like her, Sam-I-Am.

Influxes of information have only confirmed my initial response. In every area where I have suffered from insecurity or been insufficient, she is a master: perky, motivated go-getter, multiple college degrees, can pull off cute dresses, loves spending time in the Word, knows everything about cooking from scratch, is passionate about healthy eating, and has the love of middle schoolers before she's even taught them one class.

Get behind me, thou green-eyed monster! Because, this data is making that part of my flesh salivate as though I’ve already been infected with comparison, and heaven help me, I will not be dragged down by its power!

In comparison, I, at least, well, um, I know how to surf Facebook? #fail

There are some people in this world who, if we compare ourselves to them, we’ll always come away with a deficit. I could list all my good qualities. I could list her bad ones. The scales are never going to come out even.

But–

Back in the day, CCM artist Michael W. Smith had a famous hit called “Place in This World.” The chorus went, “Looking for a reason / Roaming through the night to find / My place in this world / My place in this world.”

That’s the truth, isn’t it? You and I, we both have our own places in this world. Our own God-ordained purposes.

The ladybug that only lives for a few months. She has her place and her purpose in this world.

The sunset that spreads across the sky for only a few minutes. It has its place and moment of glory within a singular day.

And you, whether you are physically/emotionally dragging right now as you read this or are astonishingly put together, you have your place and your purpose in God’s world.

Sometimes, only God knows what place that is. You can roam through the night to find it, you can sprint forward with all your might as the green-eyed monster of jealousy and comparison pounds the pavement behind you, but you truly do have a God-seen place in this world. Keep moving. Keep believing in God’s hand on your life. Don’t look back. Don’t let comparison catch you.

~*~

An almond blossom fulfilling
its place in this world

P.S. I've made my peace with my green-eyed monster by realizing something. It's way too much a coincidence that a paragon of the virtues specifically targeting my insecurities is now my coworker. I think God is allowing this situation to test my journey out of insecurity and com
parison, because it's just too ridiculous otherwise! Recognizing that actually makes me feel more secure, and I don't have to get riled when I am tempted to feel like I'm in competition. That's good, because jealousy never produces good fruit.

279: a tale of Cain, crushes, and comparison

I was at a weekly Bible study, contemplating A) a guy I liked, B) the girl I thought was perfect for him, and C) my own imperfections in comparison with her. Specifically, how haggard and lackluster my face appeared in comparison with hers and the question of how could I recommend myself to him when, given the chance to meet her, he would probably, most definitely, maybe, hopefully not, prefer her to me.

So there I was at Bible study, trying to speak truth to myself and NOT play the comparison game as we continued our study of Genesis 4.

"And in the process of time it came to pass that Cain brought an offering....And the LORD respected Abel and his offering, but He did not respect Cain and his offering" (Gen. 4:3-5, NKJV).

Man, I feel for Cain. Putting aside what we know about him and the label he would wear for the rest of history, the very real choices he voluntarily made--in this moment in verses 3-5, he is not yet a murderer.

He is a boy who (conjecturing here) feels like God has rejected him. He feels the weight of the burden that he did something wrong while his brother didn't. His brother gets a pass, but he has to work to be better. What he did, or what he had, was not enough in comparison with others.

The Lord comes to Cain, and He doesn't rebuke Cain's offering. As far as we know, God does not tell Cain why his offering was refused. But God does ask Cain about his emotions. "Why are you angry?" The Lord goes straight to Cain's response to his Creator's negative feedback. "And why has your countenance fallen?" (Gen. 4:6) When God does not accept what you've done, Cain, how do you respond?

"If you do well, will you not be accepted?" (Gen. 4:7a)

This isn't a permanent rejection from God. This is a chastisement at best. It is a redirect. Yes, yes, you actually did mess up. But--listen--you always have the hope that intermingles with repentance. God is the Father of the prodigal son, He is the Savior of fallen mankind, He is the provider of sacrifices--of the Sacrifice--because He wants our sin to be washed from us. One rejected offering is not the end.

But Cain isn't listening. He is all wrapped up in insecurity and jealousy and the need to be right and the compulsion to be on top of others.

So with kindness, God warns him of danger. "And if you do not do well, sin lies at the door. And its desire is for you, but you should rule over it" (Gen. 4:7b).

Cain's feelings--whatever cocktail of falsehoods and fleshly responses they were--were mixing up to be the gateway to tangible, life-marking sin. But there was a doorway between Cain's feelings and giving this moment over to those feelings.

Choosing rightness over conflicted feelings is always an option. But Cain chose the latter. He let hurt and embarrassment take over until they slow dripped into something false and carnal. He allowed feelings to form the premise he believed, and it led straight to taking his brother's life.

Cain became a man synonymous with evil. 1 John 3:12 says, "Cain...was of the wicked one and murdered his brother. And why did he murder him? Because his works were evil and his brother's righteous."

Humility would have saved Cain this deserved infamy. Cain would have been saved if only a compulsion to please God had overridden his urge to defend himself.

Ouch. How strong sometimes is our desire to defend ourselves? To make ourselves appear better than whoever if only in our own eyes? Embarrassment or hurt grab hold and take us for a spin.

In Cain, that exacerbated me vs. them mentality became his very real slippery slope, landing him in a sin from which no repentance could remove the consequences.

The Lord knows us, loves us, knows exactly where we need to change and what we need to accept. As we live out our lives as women with various insecurities and disappointments, let's always circle back around to submitting our natural tendencies to the One who calls us to a higher standard than petty comparison. That is where we'll find safety.