280: the green-eyed monster and my place in this world

Have I mentioned I struggle with comparison? The green-eyed monster has skulked in my shadow since I was little, ready to rear its head at the slightest provocation.

“You should rule over it” (Genesis 4:7).

So, when my admin raved, absolutely raved, about a new hire, those green hackles rose immediately. I grabbed that monster by the throat and continued intentionally smiling, refusing to be dragged down by its jealousy. But the claws had already tightened around my shoulders, and my emotions had already decided I did not like this new coworker. I did not like her, Sam-I-Am.

Influxes of information have only confirmed my initial response. In every area where I have suffered from insecurity or been insufficient, she is a master: perky, motivated go-getter, multiple college degrees, can pull off cute dresses, loves spending time in the Word, knows everything about cooking from scratch, is passionate about healthy eating, and has the love of middle schoolers before she's even taught them one class.

Get behind me, thou green-eyed monster! Because, this data is making that part of my flesh salivate as though I’ve already been infected with comparison, and heaven help me, I will not be dragged down by its power!

In comparison, I, at least, well, um, I know how to surf Facebook? #fail

There are some people in this world who, if we compare ourselves to them, we’ll always come away with a deficit. I could list all my good qualities. I could list her bad ones. The scales are never going to come out even.

But–

Back in the day, CCM artist Michael W. Smith had a famous hit called “Place in This World.” The chorus went, “Looking for a reason / Roaming through the night to find / My place in this world / My place in this world.”

That’s the truth, isn’t it? You and I, we both have our own places in this world. Our own God-ordained purposes.

The ladybug that only lives for a few months. She has her place and her purpose in this world.

The sunset that spreads across the sky for only a few minutes. It has its place and moment of glory within a singular day.

And you, whether you are physically/emotionally dragging right now as you read this or are astonishingly put together, you have your place and your purpose in God’s world.

Sometimes, only God knows what place that is. You can roam through the night to find it, you can sprint forward with all your might as the green-eyed monster of jealousy and comparison pounds the pavement behind you, but you truly do have a God-seen place in this world. Keep moving. Keep believing in God’s hand on your life. Don’t look back. Don’t let comparison catch you.

~*~

An almond blossom fulfilling
its place in this world

P.S. I've made my peace with my green-eyed monster by realizing something. It's way too much a coincidence that a paragon of the virtues specifically targeting my insecurities is now my coworker. I think God is allowing this situation to test my journey out of insecurity and com
parison, because it's just too ridiculous otherwise! Recognizing that actually makes me feel more secure, and I don't have to get riled when I am tempted to feel like I'm in competition. That's good, because jealousy never produces good fruit.

279: a tale of Cain, crushes, and comparison

I was at a weekly Bible study, contemplating A) a guy I liked, B) the girl I thought was perfect for him, and C) my own imperfections in comparison with her. Specifically, how haggard and lackluster my face appeared in comparison with hers and the question of how could I recommend myself to him when, given the chance to meet her, he would probably, most definitely, maybe, hopefully not, prefer her to me.

So there I was at Bible study, trying to speak truth to myself and NOT play the comparison game as we continued our study of Genesis 4.

"And in the process of time it came to pass that Cain brought an offering....And the LORD respected Abel and his offering, but He did not respect Cain and his offering" (Gen. 4:3-5, NKJV).

Man, I feel for Cain. Putting aside what we know about him and the label he would wear for the rest of history, the very real choices he voluntarily made--in this moment in verses 3-5, he is not yet a murderer.

He is a boy who (conjecturing here) feels like God has rejected him. He feels the weight of the burden that he did something wrong while his brother didn't. His brother gets a pass, but he has to work to be better. What he did, or what he had, was not enough in comparison with others.

The Lord comes to Cain, and He doesn't rebuke Cain's offering. As far as we know, God does not tell Cain why his offering was refused. But God does ask Cain about his emotions. "Why are you angry?" The Lord goes straight to Cain's response to his Creator's negative feedback. "And why has your countenance fallen?" (Gen. 4:6) When God does not accept what you've done, Cain, how do you respond?

"If you do well, will you not be accepted?" (Gen. 4:7a)

This isn't a permanent rejection from God. This is a chastisement at best. It is a redirect. Yes, yes, you actually did mess up. But--listen--you always have the hope that intermingles with repentance. God is the Father of the prodigal son, He is the Savior of fallen mankind, He is the provider of sacrifices--of the Sacrifice--because He wants our sin to be washed from us. One rejected offering is not the end.

But Cain isn't listening. He is all wrapped up in insecurity and jealousy and the need to be right and the compulsion to be on top of others.

So with kindness, God warns him of danger. "And if you do not do well, sin lies at the door. And its desire is for you, but you should rule over it" (Gen. 4:7b).

Cain's feelings--whatever cocktail of falsehoods and fleshly responses they were--were mixing up to be the gateway to tangible, life-marking sin. But there was a doorway between Cain's feelings and giving this moment over to those feelings.

Choosing rightness over conflicted feelings is always an option. But Cain chose the latter. He let hurt and embarrassment take over until they slow dripped into something false and carnal. He allowed feelings to form the premise he believed, and it led straight to taking his brother's life.

Cain became a man synonymous with evil. 1 John 3:12 says, "Cain...was of the wicked one and murdered his brother. And why did he murder him? Because his works were evil and his brother's righteous."

Humility would have saved Cain this deserved infamy. Cain would have been saved if only a compulsion to please God had overridden his urge to defend himself.

Ouch. How strong sometimes is our desire to defend ourselves? To make ourselves appear better than whoever if only in our own eyes? Embarrassment or hurt grab hold and take us for a spin.

In Cain, that exacerbated me vs. them mentality became his very real slippery slope, landing him in a sin from which no repentance could remove the consequences.

The Lord knows us, loves us, knows exactly where we need to change and what we need to accept. As we live out our lives as women with various insecurities and disappointments, let's always circle back around to submitting our natural tendencies to the One who calls us to a higher standard than petty comparison. That is where we'll find safety.