I recently asked a group of Christian singles for unhelpful things people say to make us feel better in our singleness. I got some doozies!
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| Birthday flowers from a student's mom |
1) If you stop looking, it will come to you.
This doesn't even make sense. First, we don't use this logic for anything else we want in life, like a job. Second, it's not Biblical (just clear your mind of all thoughts and what you most desire will magically appear). Third, if I'm not looking, then why would I say "yes" to a coffee date?
2) Maybe God is waiting for you to ____ first. / Once you become content, then God will bring a spouse to you. / God will bring you someone when you're ready for marriage.
Marriage isn't a bargaining chip! Marriage isn't something you earn. One person insightfully noted that the idea that we're not married/dating because we're not ready "gives the unhealthy and damaging notion that singles are defective by default." Also, were you ready when you got married?
3) Don't be so picky. / Perfect doesn't exist.
Please tell me what it is I'm too picky about because I don't know what it could be. I don't want to be picky--maybe you could teach me what you mean--but I also want to marry someone I WANT to be married to. The world is full of people who SHOULD have been more picky.
4) I don't understand why you aren't attracted to so and so or so and so.
I don't either (or maybe I do!), but you can't force yourself to be attracted to someone. That doesn't sound like a good basis for a happy marriage.
5) Maybe it's because of your physical touch boundaries. / How do you expect to get married if you dress modestly?
Y'all, if this is the issue, we've got bigger problems than delayed marriage.
6) Be less able to do manly things and men will like you more. / I think you might be too put together.
I've never personally been accused of either of these, but it seems unfair to ask someone to hover in a state of incapability or weakness years on end in order to catch a man.
7) Have you tried online dating?
Yes, I have. Have you? It's not all it's cracked up to be.
8) Get out and meet more guys.
This was said to a girl who meets Christian guys all the time--know your audience!
9) You're trying too hard. / You need to flirt more.
Just. can't. win.
10) Have you ever prayed about it?
Yes, actually. :)
11) I'm jealous of all the free time you have. / You're so lucky you can do whatever you want without worrying about a husband/kids.
I WANTED the hard sanctification of marriage and kids. Your life would have been my first choice. It was GOD who gave me this life. So, please don't make me feel guilty for having the potentially "easier" life, because you have no idea how many years it's taken to be okay with God choosing a LACK of what everyone else experiences to sanctify me.
One lady added, "That's the thing though, it's not easier. It's different...different challenges, different joys, different heartaches."
Also, you don't have to downplay your married life to make us feel better. Aren't you grateful for your husband and kids?
12) Singles are naturally selfish. They can't help it since they don't have a spouse or kids.
This was a quote from a speaker. God help us all.
13) ...when you are asked to babysit, dogsit, etc. BECAUSE you are single.
It's not that we mind helping, but you aren't doing us a particular "favor" by asking us to help. Just because we are unmarried doesn't make us the perfect candidate for jobs that have been traditionally teenager jobs.
As two commenters put it, "Contrary to popular opinion, not every single woman is dying to hold babies and listen to four small children scream simultaneously," and there is the false assumption "that babysitting someone else's kids will make me less sad about not having my own kids."
14) One day someone will want you. / I'm so proud that you're content with having no one.
Someone needs to repent of their insensitivity. Also, with the second statement, do you know me, my journey, my current desires? If not, then shush.
15) God has someone special for you. It's just a matter of trusting and waiting.
A good marriage partner is NOT a guarantee -- fake news! To me, this is the worst of the well-intentioned statements. It's saying something about God that isn't true, and it gives false hope.
~*~
Maybe this selection of things said to singles will help us all evaluate the platitudes we dish out whenever we are trying to soothe wounds or mend any situations we have no control over. I hope to do another post on HELPFUL things people say!
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