238: what's been going on with me this summer

I thought I would share some of the thoughts of my heart and brain this last month! Nothing super organized, just what's been ping-ponging inside lately.

Abide. Fruit. Not of myself. Those have been the big ideas.

I'm kinda going through two studies this summer. #Fruited by Bethany and Bonnie of Teachers in the Word is all about the fruits of the Spirit. Teach Uplifted: Devotions for Teachers is more of an in-depth devotional based off of Hannah Whitall Smith's A Christian's Secret of a Happy Life. Amazingly enough (or not, cuz it's God), without my knowing so when I ordered them, both studies address the same topic: We can't bear fruit on our own. Which is soooooo what God was already leading me to after last school year.

Looking back on last school year, I think I was running on spiritual empty all year long. I struggled to fake the fruit of the Spirit and to force the flesh down.

I'm not saying I know this year will be any different. Except, oh Lord, please--

Here's the prayer from Teach Uplifted that I'm holding onto:

I felt drawn to Colossians this last week or so. I opened it up. Everything is about reckoning myself dead to sin and letting Christ live in me. Letting Him do it. The fruit of the Spirit is the fruit of Him. Being transformed is a passive (?) thing that I allow Him to do.

I hate the warped idea of kicking back and not making room in one's life for holiness. It's a pet peeve. As if grace is an excuse to say, "Whatever you did this week, it's okay, let it go." No, it's not okay.

"It would be very strange that what was previously the object of destroying vengeance should now become the object of toleration. Now that the penalty is removed, do you think it is possible that the unchangeable God has given up His aversion to sin so that ruined and redeemed man may now indulge, under the new arrangement, in that which under the old destroyed him?" (Dr. Chalmers, quoted in A Christian's Secret of a Happy Life, quoted in Teach Uplifted)

I love that quote. But simultaneously, what I think God is revealing to me this summer is that I cannot work to bear fruit in my own striving. I can submit myself to God. I can bring every worry back to Him in prayer. I can beseech Him. I can trust Him. I can trust Him to perform His work through me, but by the power of His Spirit.

(Or, as Hannah Whitall Smith would say, do we really think that He who delivered us from the consequence of sin will not also deliver us from the power of sin now?)

I sure hope it makes a difference this school year. I am holding on to faith that what I have entrusted to Him He will be faithful to complete.

Sounds kinda ridiculous to think otherwise because of course He is faithful and powerful enough to conquer my flesh and bear the miraculous fruit of the Spirit through me.

If I remind myself I am dead and walk in the Spirit.

I'm just starting to start to learn about everything I just wrote above. But those are the thoughts pinging in my head. :)

237: to have courage to share this part of life too

"For I am full of words;

The spirit within me compels me.

Indeed my belly is like wine that has no vent;

It is ready to burst like new wineskins.

I will speak, that I may find relief" (Job 32:17-20a)

I went to a new women's Bible study/devotional fellowship this evening with my semi-new-to-me church. We're going to be studying women in the Bible and how they responded yes or no to God. Tonight was on Sarah. For professional development, I've been learning about comprehension strategies, such as "determining importance." Out of all the material a student reads, how is he to determine what is important? With the skill of "synthesizing," importance is sometimes determined by what interests the person. So, all that to say, as we were led through this study tonight, I tried to focus not just on taking notes for the sake of taking notes, but listening for what might apply to me, what God might speak to me as relevant.

There were a couple things that stood out, but as the leader read from Genesis 8, a very familiar story about Sarah laughing when God told Abraham that she would bear a child in her old age, I looked down at the passage and part of the verse whirled off the page with the big question mark, "APPLICABLE?" I don't like to claim promises from Scripture that are not promises, but I did feel like this was for a group I'm part of consisting of older Christian single women. I anticipated sharing this with them.

The study portion concluded. We all traipsed out to the pool and stuck our feet in. The leader asked us for our input about what we read.

I knew. I knew from before we left the living room that I should have the boldness to share what God had showed me about singleness.

But this is a group of mostly older ladies, all women who have had husbands, children, homes of their own. The evening progressed with lots of stories about husbands, children, home repair. Children, husbands. Anyone else have anything to share? Husbands, children, life that (I slowly realized) I literally could not relate to.

And I kept my mouth shut.

"Indeed my belly is like wine that has no vent" (Job 32:19).

Why? Well, first off, I'm just getting to know these people. But I want to be open. I want the fellowship. The other reason I didn't speak is that what I wanted to share had to do with singleness.

I didn't want my sharing to sound like a request for pity.

I would have had to share the context of the difficulty of singleness. And the difficulty wasn't the point. The point was that God had shown up during our Bible study.

I couldn't muster the bravery.

And so I sat and listened and felt the emotional strength drain from me as I listened to stories truly interesting, but unrelatable, until I finally left.

God, give me the strength to be open next time! I won't get the fellowship I crave if I won't speak what is on my heart. And no one is going to read my mind for me.

I am thankful that I think I have found a group to have true Christian fellowship with.

Now it's on me.

"Be strong and of good courage" (Joshua 1).

~*~

Ok, so let me share what I think God may have drawn out for older singles.

I've been looking at this idea of how old we are getting and our desire for marriage still, and I've been wondering how much I need to just acknowledge it probably won't happen. We have absolutely no idea what life not as single is, and, personally, theology + personality + availability = need a miracle to make it happen. But--

"After I have grown old, shall I have pleasure...?" (Gen. 18:12)

Sarah was skeptical too. After she was now old, was it likely that she would enjoy a child--her own child--in her arms? She laughed at the idea. That boat had passed her by long ago.

What was God's response? Why are you laughing? Why are you doubting it could be?

"Is anything too hard for the LORD?" (Gen. 18:14)

And that is...that. Would you, could you, still experience marriage and family and spend the rest of your days in a completely different season of life?

Is anything too hard for God?

236: guy versus starring image

You meet someone. You are immediately attracted for some unknown reason. You get to know him a little and the attraction remains. Then you don't see him for awhile. The first week is hard, maybe the first two weeks. Or more, depending on how much stalking you can do, or if he'll message you back. You see him again. Build the friendship more. Then another spate of time. Another meeting. Another length of distance and time. This is just getting ridiculous now. Here's someone with whom you could maybe, really, make a good match, ie. you could marry this person, possibly, potentially, if you could spend more time with him. Ach, you miss him! Grr, this is so frustrating. Oh, he's so wonderful in this area and that area. Remember when he looked at you that way? When you had that unspoken communication, like souls meeting? Or when he laughed at your joke and made eye contact that said, I see you, I notice you?

The interest in this person shoots up astronomically. Alongside it spurts up the baby leaves of a hugely-rooted monstrosity of a desire for marriage. Down there inside are all the rhizomes, taproots, and tuberous roots of a God-implanted desire that you have nurtured and watered--sometimes obsessively, sometimes unavoidably--for many a year. Every time the desire sprouts--which, admittedly, is quite often--you let it leaf-up for a bit and then hack it back. Because even though it's fine and dandy for it to have roots, ain't nobody want to deal with that thing--that clamoring umph for companionship and emotional and physical interaction--always in your face.

As your longing for this real-life person is shooting up like a dandelion in spring, so is this other plant simultaneously. Soon you find yourself saying things like, "I just want to marry SOMEONE," "Why can't I just have a chance with him? Just a chance!" "I don't care who it is, just give me someone, Lord."

You start imagining a life together--a potential-life. A vague personality that you interact with. A vague voice at your side. Your own words siphoned into male aspect, affirming you, saying how much he loves you.

Do not tell me I'm the only one.

And poof! It's no longer about him. It is no longer about the real human being that you were attracted to, well, it seems eons ago.

It isn't.

It's now about my desire for marriage taking over, blocking my vision with an intangible vision for the future.

At this point, he's transformed into a character in a play about my potential-life. I've filled in all the gaps of what I don't know, and he is now ready to star in a 2D production, with me as heroine.

It really isn't even about him anymore. Any ol' guy I somewhat like could be slotted to play the starring male role. I could repeat the production, have repeated the production, many a time over without the real life person being any worse for wear for all the emotional, invisible screen time he gets.

No. It has to stop.

Am I liking this person because I am genuinely attracted to him and see quality attributes? Or, as I get to know him better, am I still holding on to dwindling hope because this other desire has blocked my vision? Or, another possibility, as I spend more time away from him, am I forgetting why I even liked him when I was around him, but am building up a huge hope around him because he happens to be (the only one) available to star in my dreams?

Not to be brutal to the poor plants in this story, but cut them apart. Cut down that marriage desire so that you can see the actual person in your life. Deal with the marriage desire separately, before God. That is a spiritual issue of dealing with your life circumstances. It is a separate issue from that on hand. Ok, now turn back to this guy. You are now free to deal with him as he is, and not what you hope he could be.

It's hard enough to develop relationships what-with the Internet and distance taking away the 5-senses reality of a person. Let's not make it harder.

I saw a wild rabbit while driving the other day. #citygirl

Book Review: Better Together by Rusty George

I've been horrible at posting, I know. And I'm hoping during the summer, I write a bit more. Because I don't want this site to be alllllll book reviews. And I honestly do sometimes have things to say. I just then don't have the umph to pull out my computer and external keyboard. But rumor is that I'm getting a new computer, smaller, with a keyboard that works. And it IS summer. So I should write more. *should*

Meanwhile...another book review!

This poor gem has been waiting patiently for me to finish for a couple months now. I could have written the review before now, but I wanted to wait til I actually finished it. Which was this weekend. So now I can say what I have been waiting to say.

THIS BOOK IS SO GOOOOOOOD!

I have lost faith in today's nonfiction books, but this book, au contraire, was no disappointment. I mean, it could have easily been a trendy, little basis-in-Scripture book, especially with the fun spotlight on the cover:

"SUPRISING TRUTH FOR: Introverts, Extroverts, Control Freaks, Free Spirits, People Persons, Curmudgeons, and, Especially, YOU"

Gotta admit though, that is one of the things that drew me to this book.

Ok, backing up. Why did I choose this book to review?

I have been stirred the last, mm, year, about the need for godly community, spiritual fellowship, mutual edification. Or as a friend and I do when we text each other Scripture verses, #mutualedification. (SO trendy sounding ;))

I have been blistered by the thought from Proverbs 5:14, "I was on the verge of total ruin, In the midst of the assembly and congregation." In other words, I can be attending church faithfully and still find myself slipping away spiritually.

I know that community is important. But any of us can spout how we need it til the cows come home. Doesn't mean we have found it.

So, this book. Back to the topic at hand. I didn't know what to expect. Would it be primarily watered-down, Scripture-quoted-out-of-context content? But this book was neither exegetically unsound (imo; not that I necessarily agree with every iota) or made up of run-of-the-mill opinions that do nothing. The author actually had some really good, solid, edifying insight, with lots of personal stories, and I highly recommend the book! 5 out of 5 stars.

The most impactful chapter to me was "Everyone else is an idiot." Basically, Jesus' disciples were not on-par with him. They were not His equals. In fact, they were sub-par in comparison. But, author Rusty George writes, "Jesus stayed in community with them. . . . He continued to trust, lead, and teach them. He gave them opportunities to represent Him. It was as if He enjoyed being with them. How could they have possibly been any benefit to Him? How could they have given Him anything other than heartburn or a few laughs?" The author adds that "it's hard to have people walk with me who cause more trouble than they're worth."

It struck me hard that Jesus did not need his disciples to be his spiritual or mental equals to desire to be in community with them. He could have easily gone with the idea that "I can do this better alone." He is God. He created the world without any help. But He didn't choose to do His three years of ministry on earth alone. Even when He was at His emotional lowest before the cross, He actually wanted three of these people around Him. He wanted that community, even though they fell asleep on Him.

If Jesus didn't need people who were his mental and spiritual equals, then that qualification must not be important. If Jesus wanted community, then it must really be important.

So, 5 out of 5 stars. Available at an Amazon near you.

P.S. Lest there be any confusion, no, this isn't a marriage book :)

Book Review: Mary Poppins

I found this old book review I wrote, and since I've been thinking of the book lately, I thought I'd share it here!

August 21, 2012

Greetings! A school librarian gave me four Mary Poppins books for my class (when I was teaching). Before I put them in my personal class library, I thought I should preview them first. I read through the first quickly and am in the middle of the second right now.

Parents have differing opinions on the Disney version of Mary Poppins. The movie has two splendid actors - Dick Van Dyke and Julie Andrews - and has some fabulous songs, like the very famous Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious! But in the movie, Mary Poppins seems eerily magical, and many have thought she is a witch. And then there is the Disney injection of early 20th century feminism. So what about the books?

In the books, Mary does all the crazy weird things she does in the movie, if not more. But I am not convinced, yet, that one must attribute these to witchcraft or underworld power. It is often hinted by others that Mary is unusual and unlike other people. But every time the children have an extraordinary adventure with her, she emphatically denies that anything happened. As of right now, I tend to think a family could read the Mary Poppins series and just call it a fun, wildly imaginative story.

Who is Mary Poppins? She is a nanny who is noted for being obsessed over her appearance, curt, and often angry. She is haughty and treats the children rudely. She gets angry when they talk about their adventures with her until they are forced to wonder if anything really happened. And yet, they still love her.

So Mary Poppins is not a role model (she's no Julie Andrews!). But who says that she should be? Michael and Jane don't aspire to be like her one day. They simply love her, faults and all. Her faults are in no way glorified. Just because she has "super powers" (if you could say that) doesn't mean she can't be very human.

There's no suffragette theme in the books, though some of the adventures are a bit animal activist. In book one, they go to a zoo at night where the animals have locked up people and are treating them like humans treat zoo animals. In book two, Mary Poppins helps a lark lock up its former owner in a bird cage so it can terrorize her.

My conclusion? I'm not sure. I would say give them a try and see what you think. I've been enjoying them, but I'm not part of the Mary Poppins Fan Club now. :)

235: fellowship

All I can I think is I've got to get some fellowship. True, into each other's lives, spurring onto Christ-likeness support.

As a teacher I am surrounded by coworker friends, and yet somehow I feel like a loner in managing my class. I crave having another person in my room. I don't want to keep doing this alone. (Kids don't make for a great emotional support system.)

I left Jazzercise last night with no one to say goodbye to as everyone mingled with their friends. Apparently not-attaching is a theme for me.

But I do attach. At Bible college this last year I've sat next to the same lady every week intentionally because everyone else already knew each other and she was someone I could be buddies with.

I want a spouse. I have always craved someone to do this thing called life with. So I don't have to bear it all alone.

Proverbs 5:14 (NKJV) "I was on the verge of total ruin, In the midst of the assembly and congregation." Sometimes I think of this verse and muse in fearful awe at how we can be in the midst of people and completely slide through the cracks.

Fellowship, y'all. I am chasing it.

"As [Jesus] walked this earth He experienced all the emotions we do, and in His darkest hours, He craved community." -Rusty George, Better Together

234: social media as an anesthetic for singleness

my dog on my leg while I was sick last week

What I'm about to theorize and muse about does not apply to some of the most single of us so there downs half of my argument. But, it might apply to me, and it's an interesting idea, so I'm going to go ahead and click-clack about it anyway.

I think that social media usage sometimes anesthetizes us from our singleness.

Actually, I KNOW it does. It, like any other social activity, takes away the loneliness. So that's not quite what I mean.

A quick Google search says "anesthetize" is to "deprive of feeling or awareness." I think social media can deprive us of the feeling or awareness of our lack of in-person attachments. It can make us not quite feel our singleness.

Okay, okay, I know the opposite is true as well. Who hasn't scrolled through social media and felt angst from viewing all those engagement and baby announcements?

This last 12 month period I have been part of this amazing Facebook group of Christian singles. It's like the City--it never sleeps. There is always something going on. Some conversation, deep or ridiculous. Some meme to like. Some gif to search for and add as a comment for others to like. Some person to roll your eyes at or interaction to laugh at.

It is a unique Internet community.

The other night I had to go outside without my phone. I looked up at the stars, the moon, the dark sky. And immediately felt lonely. Immediately started praying for a spouse and kids.

And I wonder...

If I lived without this instant access to people across the country at all hours of the day...

If I lived without this placebo numbing me to real life...

If so, and I know this is far-fetched, but...

Would I be less single today?

Probably not, but--

At what point does need drive us to action? To unprecedented action? Especially in a 21st century, first-world, middle-class life where "need" is almost nonexistent.

What would it take to cause us to do the unthinkable, whatever that may be? We'll never know. Because we never allow ourselves to get to that point. All these movies and fictional scenarios where people are faced with these either/or situations, where they have to be brave or face their fears or allow themselves to be stretched beyond their desires--I'm not saying we don't experience that now, but we don't willingly throw ourselves at those situations. We pad our discomfort with distraction, our need with placebos. Our wants--those things we can do something about with little cost--we'll gratify with fulfillment. But we prefer not to feel need. We must not feel need.

I don't know. Just some thoughts.

Anyway, it's an interesting question of how much social media affects my singleness.

Yet I am still grateful for it.

P.S. I use movies to anesthetize my singleness too, but I could only pick on one thing in this post :)