Quotes from the movie Shadowlands about the love of C.S. Lewis
Jack: Will you marry this foolish, frightened old man... who needs you more than he can bear to say... who loves you, even though he hardly knows how?
Joy: The pain then is part of the happiness now. That's the deal.
Harry: But she's not...
Jack: Not my wife. No, how could she be? I'd have to love her, wouldn't I? She'd have to be more important to me than anything in the world. I'd have to be suffering the torments of the damned. The thought of losing her...
Harry: I'm so sorry, Jack. I didn't know.
Jack: Neither did I, Harry.
Jack: Why love, if losing hurts so much? I have no answers anymore: only the life I have lived. Twice in that life I've been given the choice: as a boy and as a man. The boy chose safety, the man chooses suffering. The pain now is part of the happiness then. That's the deal.
Saturday, March 30, 2013
21: heart blockade
An ol' homeschool friend shared an odd article a month or so ago on Facebook. It was on guarding your heart.
Or rather, it was against guarding your heart.
You'll have to read it for yourself to understand the whole context of why Emily Maynard "stopped guarding [Her] heart ten years ago," but I have copied some quotes below that stuck out to me. Because, like her, I was an avid proponent of guarding my heart during my teens and early 20s (and perhaps still am?).
Or rather, it was against guarding your heart.
You'll have to read it for yourself to understand the whole context of why Emily Maynard "stopped guarding [Her] heart ten years ago," but I have copied some quotes below that stuck out to me. Because, like her, I was an avid proponent of guarding my heart during my teens and early 20s (and perhaps still am?).
". . . I discovered that you can’t shut down part of your heart and not shut down all of it."
"[The "Guard Your Heart" message] promises us that if we don’t have crushes, or at least don’t admit them, if we never say ‘I love you’ first, if we act detached until the last possible moment before commitment, if we just get married instead of dating, we’ll never have to experience heartbreak and we’ll be okay. It guarantees in a neat, repeatable phrase that we will be in control."(Maybe this is why I think an arranged marriage would be fabulous?)
"The rules for “Guarding Your Heart” . . . . breed shame because we can’t live up to the ideal put for us: that we can be whole people while avoiding the potential for pain."
"If you really want to be in healthy relationships, stop “guarding” your heart and start using it. Walk through the mistakes you will inevitably make and learn from them. Find a community of people who are practicing vulnerability. Fill your heart full of the love that makes it come alive, full of grace, full of determination to walk with pain rather than around it, and you will be much better off than any heart that has been merely “guarded.”
--Emily Maynard, "I Stopped Guarding My Heart Ten Years Ago."
I'm still figuring out what to make of all that.
Friday, March 29, 2013
20: expand my capacity to love
Four months ago I was struggling with a decision that enticed and scared me at the same time.
I was dogsitting, trying to decide whether to take this little one home as my own.
It was a big decision, but what finally cinched the deal was the thought:
(No, it had nothing to do with a guy.)
I was dogsitting, trying to decide whether to take this little one home as my own.
It was a big decision, but what finally cinched the deal was the thought:
It is never a bad thing for our love to expand.
Thanksgiving evening I journaled,
"Lord, Bella is in my lap and her mom wants to know if we're taking her home tomorrow to be ours. And I've been thinking maybe it is not Your will. But then she looks at me and I think when is it not God's will for us to love? And I think you are afraid of commitment/responsibility, aren't you? Lord, what is Your will? [. . .]
Lord, as I pet Bella, I think, Lord, expand my capacity to love. I like the twinkle of the feeling I have towards this dog. She's not even human."
That got me started thinking about love and my capacity for love. I'm still learning, but I'm going to blog about my thought processes on the subject thus far.
But for now I'll just say I did bring Bella home and now I call her my best gal. She is God's blessing to me and I love her very much!
Thursday, March 21, 2013
19: peer pressure
I just want to be above peer pressure, you know?
I want to be impervious to fads and trends.
Today I was listening to Chuck Colson and Nancy Pearcey's How Now Shall We Live in the car. They mentioned that, as Christians, we can influence society, even among the unconverted, by helping create or sustain moral virtues and taboos. But, they said, it is hard to create taboos in a culture with no moral compass.
I thought not being influenced was a virtue. What I heard in the car checked that value-system of mine. Societal taboos can be a good thing, especially if it's a general discouragement of homosexuality or abortion or divorce.
On Facebook, the friends I have tend to be book fanatics. You're obsessed with books? Awesome! One of my abnormally zealous friends just confessed that when she house-hunts she rules out places that do not have enough space for her books.
Despite my desire to be above such things, I have shamelessly, willingly fallen into the fad, the trend, the pressure of bibliophilia (though perhaps most of my friends would be better termed "bookworm," per definition). I have chosen to be among this nerdy group because 1) I personally enjoy it, and 2) I highly value literacy.
The result has been a ridiculous amount of 25 cent, 50 cent book buys from the local library. I also just finished a great book on Galileo called Galileo's Daughter, which you should read. :-P
So combined with what Colson and Pearcey said and my own experience, my new thought is that perhaps peer pressure is actually a good thing. Perhaps living in a pressure vacume is really a synonym for living in a valueless, morally relative, don't-judge-me-even-when-I'm-wrong society. We just need to choose carefully which pressure we'll succumb to.
I want to be impervious to fads and trends.
Today I was listening to Chuck Colson and Nancy Pearcey's How Now Shall We Live in the car. They mentioned that, as Christians, we can influence society, even among the unconverted, by helping create or sustain moral virtues and taboos. But, they said, it is hard to create taboos in a culture with no moral compass.
I thought not being influenced was a virtue. What I heard in the car checked that value-system of mine. Societal taboos can be a good thing, especially if it's a general discouragement of homosexuality or abortion or divorce.
 |
| one of my 3 bookshelves |
On Facebook, the friends I have tend to be book fanatics. You're obsessed with books? Awesome! One of my abnormally zealous friends just confessed that when she house-hunts she rules out places that do not have enough space for her books.
Despite my desire to be above such things, I have shamelessly, willingly fallen into the fad, the trend, the pressure of bibliophilia (though perhaps most of my friends would be better termed "bookworm," per definition). I have chosen to be among this nerdy group because 1) I personally enjoy it, and 2) I highly value literacy.
The result has been a ridiculous amount of 25 cent, 50 cent book buys from the local library. I also just finished a great book on Galileo called Galileo's Daughter, which you should read. :-P
So combined with what Colson and Pearcey said and my own experience, my new thought is that perhaps peer pressure is actually a good thing. Perhaps living in a pressure vacume is really a synonym for living in a valueless, morally relative, don't-judge-me-even-when-I'm-wrong society. We just need to choose carefully which pressure we'll succumb to.
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
18: I need community!
Taking my own advice on the importance of how you view the church, I recently asked a match about his beliefs and found he considered the Lord to be his only necessary accountability. In replying (and ending the e-mailing), it was good for me to put my own thoughts into words, and what I wrote is especially true after just returning from my church community group! Here is my answer in part:
Not only do I desperately need community spiritually, but I'm realizing I desperately need to hang out in more groups to grow socially! After hiking with a favorite girl friend and her boyfriend on Saturday, I realized, despite having a wonderful time, that sometimes I annoy myself in how I interact with others! And I wondered if her albeit very kind boyfriend was secretly wondering how I thought I was going to get a guy being how I am! So, my conclusion is that I spend too much time by myself and need to get out more so I can be refined! Yay for refinement!
I'll make this personal. I need community because my heart can grow cold, even though I know from 20+ years of walking with the Lord what is right. Hearing others' fervor stirs me up to get back on the path. I need community because I can't see everything in Scripture. Hearing what God is revealing to others enhances my own understanding of the Word. I need community because I need the support of my brothers' and sisters' prayers and the wisdom of those who have walked with Jesus (and in life) longer than me to speak into my life situations. Basically, I need community because I do not trust myself, and I am not capable of running my life with just me and God because God never intended for me to run my life with just me and Him. To Adam He gave Eve. To individual Hebrews He gave the whole set-apart nation of Israel, messy as they were. And to believers in Jesus, our Lord has given us, not only His Holy Spirit and the Scriptures, but fellow believers who, although they might not have the same convictions about entertainment or education or dress or even politics as us, have much to offer us and truly are fellow believers.
How can I trust someone to stay on the straight and narrow if they do not submit themselves to the advice and correction of anyone except themselves?
 |
| photo from my very enjoyable hike with friends |
Isn't it funny how we think we know who we are until we actually take ourselves out in public?
Sunday, March 17, 2013
17: I have confidence?
I knew a lot more when I was a teenager. I had strong convictions, high standards for my future husband, and I knew what I wanted to do with my life.
Now I'm not sure, not sure, not sure.
I'm also finding that I can realize I'm wrong shortly after I was pretty sure I was right, which makes writing a blog somewhat precarious because you might cringe at what you said weeks or months later.
But even when I'm not being convicted that I was wrong, I tend to be wishy-washy and chameleon-like.
For example, the opposite of proper confidence is when you look back at your weekend and see yourself
Proper confidence is also not freaking out when someone questions the wisdom of a decision you've made after you've already agonized before coming to the decision.
A friend shared with me that, although she knows that God greatly uses counselors and that it's important to get counsel, she wants to start turning to God first in her decision-making.
There's lots of talk about being your own person and not letting people bring you down. Enough to make me ponder whether I should even try to improve my own confidence level.
But what my friend said reminded me that even though I do think it's important for me to grow in personal firmness so I'm not a chameleon, confidence can be empty, and often is empty, when it is not founded in seeking the Highest Authority, Counselor, and Future-Knower. Otherwise it's like having confidence in confidence alone (cue Sound of Music). What is that anyway? (It's a desperate personal peptalk until you convince yourself.)
I don't want a I-know-who-I-am-and-if-you-don't-like-it-don't-waste-my-time attitude.
But to be firm in who I am and where I stand because my confidence comes from the Rock, my Father, my Guide (versus sunshine, rain, and that spring will come again)? That works!
Now I'm not sure, not sure, not sure.
I'm also finding that I can realize I'm wrong shortly after I was pretty sure I was right, which makes writing a blog somewhat precarious because you might cringe at what you said weeks or months later.
But even when I'm not being convicted that I was wrong, I tend to be wishy-washy and chameleon-like.
For example, the opposite of proper confidence is when you look back at your weekend and see yourself
talking about careers with a friend on Saturday
looking longingly at the three young marrieds dedicating their babies Sunday morning
laughing at a different friend's Rosie the Riveter inference at Sunday lunch
then being totally confused when Sunday evening two other friends refer positively to a quote about men being made to conquer the world and women are supposed to love their men for it and wondering, at this point, am I supposed to agree or disagree?
What group of people am I with again?
Is this the nod and agree or is this the look appropriately shocked group?
-cue chameleon music-
What group of people am I with again?
Is this the nod and agree or is this the look appropriately shocked group?
-cue chameleon music-
When I find myself nodding my head at two seemingly opposing statements in the same day I just have to wonder WHO AM I? Driven and tossed with every gust of wind perhaps?
Proper confidence is also not freaking out when someone questions the wisdom of a decision you've made after you've already agonized before coming to the decision.
A friend shared with me that, although she knows that God greatly uses counselors and that it's important to get counsel, she wants to start turning to God first in her decision-making.
There's lots of talk about being your own person and not letting people bring you down. Enough to make me ponder whether I should even try to improve my own confidence level.
But what my friend said reminded me that even though I do think it's important for me to grow in personal firmness so I'm not a chameleon, confidence can be empty, and often is empty, when it is not founded in seeking the Highest Authority, Counselor, and Future-Knower. Otherwise it's like having confidence in confidence alone (cue Sound of Music). What is that anyway? (It's a desperate personal peptalk until you convince yourself.)
I don't want a I-know-who-I-am-and-if-you-don't-like-it-don't-waste-my-time attitude.
But to be firm in who I am and where I stand because my confidence comes from the Rock, my Father, my Guide (versus sunshine, rain, and that spring will come again)? That works!
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
16: a change in me - a simple sketch of Belle
I went to the Broadway version of Beauty and the Beast last week. I found surprising depth in its colorful, musical scenes.
Belle wants more. She's not happy with a life full of grocery shopping, managing kids, interacting with people who don't care about the latest book you got from the library.
Then the beast takes her father as prisoner, and Belle goes to the castle and exchanges her life for his. In her cold, dark room, torn from her father, never again to see their little cottage on the edge of town, she sings:
Her life has been upended, and nothing is as it was. It's not the exciting life she had been dreaming of either.
The play progresses, and of course, she luckily falls in love with the beast and vice-versa. But then she sees in the magic mirror that her father is in danger, so the beast lets her go to rescue him and take him home. Home again, she sings what is currently my favorite song in my playlist:
She wanted so much more than her provincial life. Then, all that was good in her life was stripped away, and all she wanted was to go back to that provincial life. Discontent here, discontent there.
Then something changed in her.
She now loves the world she sees. She is where and who she wants to be. It's not that she's resigned, settled, or even had a change of mind. Her world was upended, and she has come back a different Belle. She . . . is satisfied.
She never thought she'd leave behind her childhood dreams, but somehow she doesn't mind. Although she still depends on who she used to be, her history, she now feels a truer life beginning within herself. She's moving on. In a good way.
No moral to the story for this post. Just surprising depth in this "tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme."
"There must be more than this provincial life!"
Belle wants more. She's not happy with a life full of grocery shopping, managing kids, interacting with people who don't care about the latest book you got from the library.
Then the beast takes her father as prisoner, and Belle goes to the castle and exchanges her life for his. In her cold, dark room, torn from her father, never again to see their little cottage on the edge of town, she sings:
"Is this home? Is this where I should learn to be happy?"
"What I'd give to return to the life that I knew lately!"
Her life has been upended, and nothing is as it was. It's not the exciting life she had been dreaming of either.
"Is this home? Am I here for a day or forever?
Shut away from the world until who knows when?"
The play progresses, and of course, she luckily falls in love with the beast and vice-versa. But then she sees in the magic mirror that her father is in danger, so the beast lets her go to rescue him and take him home. Home again, she sings what is currently my favorite song in my playlist:
"There's been a change in me
A kind of moving on
Though what I used to be
I still depend upon
For now I realize
That good can come from bad
That may not make me wise
But, oh, it makes me glad!
And I--I never thought I'd leave behind
My childhood dreams
But I don't mind
For now I love the world I see
No change of heart
A change in me
For in my dark despair
I slowly understood
My perfect world out there
Had disappeared for good
But in its place I feel
A truer life begins
And it's so good and real
It must come from within
And I--I never thought I'd leave behind
My childhood dreams
But I don't mind
I'm where and who I want to be
No change of heart
A change in me"
She wanted so much more than her provincial life. Then, all that was good in her life was stripped away, and all she wanted was to go back to that provincial life. Discontent here, discontent there.
Then something changed in her.
She now loves the world she sees. She is where and who she wants to be. It's not that she's resigned, settled, or even had a change of mind. Her world was upended, and she has come back a different Belle. She . . . is satisfied.
She never thought she'd leave behind her childhood dreams, but somehow she doesn't mind. Although she still depends on who she used to be, her history, she now feels a truer life beginning within herself. She's moving on. In a good way.
No moral to the story for this post. Just surprising depth in this "tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme."
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