78: the other side of the equation (just realized how algebraic that figure of speech is....)

I've been so stressed out this weekend. Friday night I tried to tune out school anxiety but the lump in my stomach remained late into the evening. Saturday I slept all day and cried. Yesterday I lesson planned and felt a little better. Today was a day from . . . the unnamed place. I thought maybe Monday would prove that the mountain of Friday, Saturday, and Sunday wasn't as big as imagined, but instead it confirmed it.

They say tomorrow will be better. Just get some sleep. It'll all look better in the morning. I've already experienced that that's not necessarily true.

It is hard to even enjoy being at home, not to mention the weekend, when you have IMPOSSIBILITY scribbled across your chalkboard future.

I am struggling, really struggling, with this whole "I can't do this, Jesus can" thing. I'm not struggling with the concept as much as with the practical application. I know I need to give it over to Jesus, but I forget that the other half of "I can't" is "He can." Because over and over inside me is "I can't do this!" "I don't know how." "I don't want to." "I want to give up." And a thousand nameless emotions swirling like a whirlpool winding downward.

And I completely lose faith.

Because faith requires hope.

And hope requires...hope. Hope that tomorrow will be better. That the second half will be better than the first half. That I'll do better. That they'll do better. That someone will come and fix something.
A tangible hope. A lifeline out there that if I can just catch....

But all of those hopes are man-dependent.

And since currently I've lost almost all hope in man being able to fix my problems, I find I lose faith. Forget to have faith.

Forget that it's not Jesus can because I can.

But just, Jesus can.

Lord, act.

"From the end of the earth I will cry to You,
When my heart is overwhelmed;
Lead me to the rock that is higher than I." (Psalm 61: 2)

"He sent from above, He took me;
He drew me out of many waters.
He also brought me out into a broad place;
He delivered me because He delighted in me." (Psalm 18:16, 19)

"Oh, that You would rend the heavens!
That You would come down!
For since the beginning of the world
Men have not heard nor perceived by the ear,
Nor has the eye seen any God besides You,
Who acts for the one who waits for Him." (Isaiah 64:1, 4)


P.S. I did have one redeeming moment today. I began the day talking about God's standard of love, how much we fall short, how we need Jesus, and how willingly God forgives us. Later in the day when two of my students were particularly having issues, another student came to me humbly and quietly told me he just prayed for them. Yes! Because God can do SO much more than we can do.



Used audiobooks that keep me smiling while driving--
especially dear old Jeeves



These are a few of my favorite things.



Because it's not cool to post pix of your food on FB anymore


77: regrets

The last couple days I've been watching an Jane Austenesque youtube channel (actually, last night I watched over 50 vids...but it was the weekend!). In between gasping and laughing and awwwing, a recurring commercial keeps popping up every few videos about a soldier's homecoming.

I remember when I was dating a soldier, and he came home on break from Afghanistan. I remember being self-centered and petty from the moment he stepped in the car.

That girl. The girl you look at from afar and think "I can't believe she's acting that way."

I don't ask God to forgive me, because I know He has.

But I wish I could go back in time and redo several things in that relationship. Not so that it would have worked out, but for the sake of doing things right in a relationship with another human being. For the sake of no regrets and not causing pain to a friend.

And I do pray that I have changed. That I have learned.

To Him who can keep you from stumbling

My new window decoration in my bathroom

P.S. If you want some good reading/watching, try Dear Mr. Knightly by Katherine Reay, Amanda by Debra White Smith, Jane Fairfax by Joan Aiken, or the youtube channel "Emma Approved." Admittedly, those all have to do with Emma (except for Dear Mr. Knightly, which really doesn't), but they are all highly enjoyable!

76: walking on water

Tomorrow I go back to work.

When I started Christmas break, I was drowning. And I had been drowning for more than several weeks before then.

God is calling me to walk on water again.

I don't know if like Peter I originally asked him to call me out on the water or if it was His idea. Either way, that's where I ended up.

Then I looked at the winds and waves and began to sink.

Because the winds and the waves were very real. They were not an illusion. Sinking was the default position.

But now I'm being called to look up and look higher and trust in Him who is unseen and who has power to do the unthinkable.

working on verb tenses before Christmas break

He is calling me to walk on water and part of me doesn't want to because I know it'll not be in my own strength and that I will have to actively rely on Him and that it's not reasonable to expect me to walk on water but it's either resign myself to a year of sinking or obey and get up on the waves again.

The passage He gave me at the beginning of the year has been following me around the last two weeks. Everywhere it keeps popping up. Confirmation?

"Be strong and of good courage . . . . Only be strong and very courageous . . . . Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go. . . . Only the LORD your God be with you . . . . Only be strong and of good courage." (Joshua 1:6-7, 9, 17-18)

 

"Not because of who I am, but because of what You've done. Not because of what I've done, but because of who You are."

 

Onward and forward! Through Him! And for Him.



75: if we are faithless...

I could feel my soul drinking it up, subtly, softly.

Don't they say that is how it always is when you are going to teach a Bible lesson? God teaches you too.

I was preparing to teach Sunday School. A lesson about Jesus walking on water.

The summary statement on the assigned sheet of paper read, "Through this lesson, children will learn that there will be times in life when our faith is tested. Life will not always be easy, and we will need to let our faith in God help keep us afloat during the difficult times in our lives."

I have been utterly overwhelmed with my job. It isn't fun to feel like a failure week after week. To feel like no one really understands. To not know what to do and wish giving up was an option.

The memory verse was Philippians 4:13 - I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

I'm sure as I read that verse in preparation I thought, "I can't."

On Sunday morning I asked the children for prayer requests. As they gave them I heard myself reply, "Can you do that? Can you fix that? No. So we need God to do it."

I heard myself say that no one can strengthen us like Jesus. Parents and teachers can, but not like Jesus. Only God can read our thoughts, know our feelings, know exactly what we need. And have the power to do it.

I heard myself say that even though Peter lost faith in Jesus, looked out at the waves and began to sink, Jesus still caught him by the hand and lifted him up.

So I came home, and even though I had no faith that things would work out, definitely no faith that I could do all things, even through Him, not even any faith to pray and expect miracles to happen anymore, I quieted my soul and let Jesus know that I still believe in His power and am willing to have my hand caught by His as I am sinking, if He will.

One of my favorite verses:

"If we are faithless, He remains faithful; He cannot deny Himself."

2 Timothy 2:13

74: put down the list, shut up, and get to know the person

I saw this on Facebook and thought, "THAT is what I was about to post about!"

In The Surrendered Single, the author encouraged me to put down my list, shut up, and listen.

I've noticed that I have adopted (or maybe I've always had) a bad habit of coming up with ways to make people better. Or rather, I think, "If So-and-So would do this...and this...and that...then they wouldn't rub me the wrong way." And if they don't rub me the wrong way, then they will be a better person!

Now I don't always offer my unsolicited advice, but sometimes I do, or sometimes, when I have been recently rubbed awry, I mull over and over in my head how the offender could fix certain personality quirks or character deficiencies to be perfect.

Ie. so that they will never offend me and cause interpersonal conflict between us ever again.

Skipping past the self-centeredness of that thought for the time being, I've been attempting to try on a life-transforming new habit:

Accepting people for who they are.

Oh, isn't that such an overused phrase these days!

What I mean though is getting to know the person for the person, including their tendencies that make me cringe or feel less than blissful, and dropping the list of perfection that I unconsciously hold up as the solution to all their social woes.

There is a place for sanctification, for self-betterment, for critique, rebuke, criticism, and a dose of motherly advice.

But what would happen if I stopped measuring prospects by a list, stopped thinking I could fix people by them changing, and started getting to know people in their entirety, faults and all, and accepting the whole being, accepting the whole being without offering my list of ideas for improvement in exchange?

I might like who I become.

Alia Joy wrote a piece on Kindred Grace that more or less relates to what I just wrote. Check out the link!

poetic distraction (x)

I bought a thin blue poem book the other day. I'm not a poetry girl, but this one was quaint and published in 1924, and I want to be a poetry girl.

The following page just hit me between the eyes. And since I had nothing else to write about, I thought I'd share it (because it's too long to share in a FB status!).

The Mountain Woman

Among the sullen peaks she stood at bay

And paid life's hard account from her small store.

Knowing the code of mountain wives, she bore

The burden of the days without a sigh;

And, sharp against the somber winter sky,

I saw her drive her steers afield each day.

Hers was the hand that sunk the furrows deep

Across the rocky, grudging southern slope.

At first youth left her face, and later, hope;

Yet through each mocking spring and barren fall,

She reared her lusty brood, and gave them all

That gladder wives and mothers love to keep.

And when the sheriff shot her eldest son

Beside his still, so well she knew her part,

She gave no healing tears to ease her heart;

But took the blow upstanding, with her eyes

As drear and bitter as the winter skies.

Seeing her then, I thought that she had won.

But yesterday her man returned too soon

And found her tending, with a reverent touch,

One scarlet bloom; and, having drunk too much,

He snatched its flame and quenched it in the dirt.

Then, like a creature with a mortal hurt,

She fell, and wept away the afternoon.

--Du Bose Heyward, Skylines and Horizons

73: why I need to spend time with teenage homeschoolers

Remember when you were a teenager?

Remember how idealistic you were?

Remember how you knew what was right and what was wrong and how to carry the torch for righteousness against a flood of naysayers?

A decade later I'm thinking I need to spend some more time with that generation again. I need to be re-inspired by those who haven't been affected by what is to come.

We need older people for their wisdom and testimonies.

We need younger people for their passion for holiness.

And then somehow to be a compilation of both. :)