"The truthful lip shall be established forever,
But a lying tongue is but for a moment." (Proverbs 12:19)
What a great verse to tell my kids! I thought this morning as I read it. Should I underline it? Write it down somewhere so I won't forget? No. To what purpose? I won't remember it. I don't have kids. I'm not about to have kids. I may never have kids.
And I broke down and cried.
Today I am in mourning for what I don't have--a family of my own.
I don't know whose fault it is that I haven't married yet. Lord, teach me how to mourn without being bitter or mad or blame You.
It's not even about getting a guy. It's about the life I've always dreamed of one day having. A reason to get up early in the morning. A reason to clean the house. A reason to shop the household good section of the thrift store. Falling in love and deciding on the right guy is just the big and important and tricky mountain that stands between me and that other life.
The grass isn't always greener on the other side.
I know. I don't want it to be greener. I just want it to be . . . a different shade of green.
My life now is good. It's a different kind of good than I wanted, but it's good.
"Hope deferred makes the heart sick" and, boy, that Scripture is so true.
It's okay to be heart sick. It's okay to be sad.
I will trust Him to see me through.
So today I'm mourning the deferrment of a hope, the dream of so many young Christian girls who are still waiting.
Waiting? Yeah. I can't stop hoping yet. I just can't.
(I'm making myself very vulnerable in this post. But I do so out of conviction--conviction that Christian young women should not be ashamed of wanting what God has called good.)
Michelle, this is a wonderful post! Thank you for such incredible honesty and transparency! I feel like this, too, at times. I know what I've got now is GOOD, but it's not quite the same GOOD I thought my life would be filled with!
ReplyDeleteAnd I fully believe right along with you that it's okay to grieve what we'eve never had the chance to have. God DOES call marriage GOOD, it's what He created us women for specifically! And so not fulfill the calling...it's a big, huge, gaping unforgettable (and not the good kien!) loss.
Chin up. Lets get together and eat ice cream and chocolate at my house, eh? Oh! Colleen's sister has never seen Doctor Who, so there's going to be some Doctor Who lovin' going on at my house over the next weeks/months! I'll make sure I let you know when...in case you want to join in on some of it! :)
Thank you, Kellie :)
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, I would definitely be interested in watching some Doctor Who with y'all. There's still one or two Christopher Eccleston episodes I never watched!
*gasp* Ones you haven't seen?? For that matter, now that I think of it...there's that one episode where the Doctor and Donna go to that snowy place where the Ood are acting up with that red eye thing...still haven't finished that one. The disk I was watching froze (must have been defective) and I couldn't finish it! Must.Go.Watch.It!!
DeleteOooh, Kellie! That's an important one!!
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